This is utterly frustrating. A simple conversation about seeing my son this afternoon turned into WW3.

My W takes no blame on any of this. She says that there are a lot of benefits with my son living with her and the OM and she will not tell me what they are because I would just dismiss them.

She called me a "dictator" and that I have to have everything my way and yet she's the one who's acting this way.

She says I should have given her everything she asked for back on d-day. She says they were reasonable requests. What was reasonable about asking me to help her pay for an apt while she "explored" her R with OM? What was reasonable about giving her 50% of our assets w/o taking into account our liabilities and without involving a legal process. Did she think I was going to be stupid enough to just hand everything to her without checking with a lawyer. Remember she wanted an amicable uncontested divorce.

So, I ask her what is it that she wants now. She says that whatever the petition for divorce says. To summarize:

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The house so she can live there while I pay for it</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">50% of everything we have</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Marital support. Yes, right, support her while she has a R with OM.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Child Support. The only one I fully agree with.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Full "control" of our son. Actual words.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Restraining order against me so I don't contact her and our son. Yet, she agrees with visitation</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Other things as well.
I told her I only want one thing. For my son to live with me until she and OM are married. "what happens then?" she asked. I said, we can revisit the custody case.
In the meantime the judge told her she could not leave the county with our son and that she needs to allow reasonable visitation with our son. She calls every Wednesday and every other weekend reasonable while my son is asking to see me everyday. For valentine's day they left the kids with a babysitter and I'm thinking, ok, my son wants to see me, I want to see him and yet we cannot see each other because mom does not want to while at the same time she's out having fun with OM. And, I'm the dictator?

It is now clear to me that if I don't do things her way I am the controller who just wants to do things my way. When I told her how much this is going to end up costing us her response was that it was because of me because I'm causing so much trouble. She says I'm trying to buy my way out of all this process. What does this mean? I don't know. She thinks that because I have more money than her right now I will buy everything into my favor.

Just venting, folks, I need to go to a meeting. More later.

I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP, GIVE HER EVERYTHING SHE WANTS AND DISAPPEAR FOREVER. This is probably what she wants me to do. This is probably why she keeps provoking me. Why can't she admit to at least one thing she's done wrong? Why is everything my doing? I am tired and exhausted of all this.

<small>[ February 19, 2003, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

UC,
I agree with you but you and I can't do anything to change your wife right now. We may want to, but we can't.

What I will continue to do, is help those that I can help, and I encourage you to change the parts of your life that you can change. Set some goals and work on them. If you always wanted to learn to play the piano, now's the time.

I encourage you again to get a good lawyer and let him worry about W.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I hate to see you go slowly crazy trying to reason with someone that is unreasonable. If she was reasonable she wouldn't have gone after OM in the first place, she would have worked with you on things. I don't see any thing you can say that will suddenly make her reasonable and logical so that she will see your side of things. Can you?

Please, please put your efforts into something that will produce happiness for you in the short term.
If you could get a judge to set a visitation scedule it would take care of much of your frustrations right now.

UC, I am sorry things are this way, Please turn your attention to something positive that will put some light into your life.

SS

UC, weren't you supposed to have a custody hearing soon? What is the status of that?

I am sorry to hear about the things you W is doing to you and your S! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It sounds almost exactly like what my W is doing to me.

One thing that helped me is that my lawyer knows her lawyer so they talked. Turns out my WW never told her lawyer about OM, never told her lawyer that she moved out of the house on her own. Once those truths came out their tone changed quite a bit. Maybe your lawyer knows hers?

Anyway, I agree with SS. You need to find some hobbies to keep your mind busy. Also, try not to get too involved in the divorce. I am letting my lawyer handle as much as possible. I told her what it was that I wanted and what I would settle for, so that is what she is going for. I know it will cost me more money this way but it will save me emotinonally.

Whatever you do, don't give up just to get it over. Fight for what is right and fight for your S! We are all here for you.

STTSI

Much love to you, my friend. Much love. I'll call you Friday.

uc:

"My W takes no blame on any of this. She says that there are a lot of benefits with my son living with her and the OM and she will not tell me what they are because I would just dismiss them."

One for the archives, UC!

Try asking her: "Would you be willing to tell me what they are if I promise not to dismiss them? Maybe I'll agree with you!" which would translate into: "you'd have to admit that you're probably wrong."

-Qfwfq

uc:

More for the archives:

"She called me a "dictator" and that I have to have everything my way and yet she's the one who's acting this way."

"She says I should have given her everything she asked for back on d-day."

"Restraining order against me so I don't contact her and our son. Yet, she agrees with visitation"

uc:

"I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP, GIVE HER EVERYTHING SHE WANTS AND DISAPPEAR FOREVER. This is probably what she wants me to do. This is probably why she keeps provoking me."

If I had a dollar for every time I've thought this, I could quit my day job!!! And you know? I almost DID just that about a year ago next week. Went for a walk in the desert from our out of state home where she and my son and I were staying for a week - just a month after D-day. What I did was to go on a 4 hour walk. I walked twelve miles cross country, away from roads, and right into a snowstorm. What was I thinking? Well, for the first 3 hours, I was going to walk to the highway, hitch a ride, and leave my life behind forever. I almost did it, too. Well, I probably wouldn't have stayed away, and I didn't in the end, but I sure enjoyed the fantasy of doing so. But that's what it is. A fantasy.

Sure, this is what she wants you to do. But you'll do yourself a humongous favor if you can get to a place where you simply aren't provoked by her anymore. Look for the humor in what she's saying to you. SHOW her that you think it's funny if you think it will help. But don't get drawn in. If you can't keep her on the relevant topics, make an excuse to end the conversation and END IT.

"Why can't she admit to at least one thing she's done wrong? Why is everything my doing? I am tired and exhausted of all this. "

She can't admit any wrong because that would be taking responsibility for having done what she's done. She's not ready to do that, uc.

I know you're tired. Heck, I said on my threads just this weekend that I want to quit. AGAIN. But I can't, because I do see signs of progress. I just wish I could see ALL of them firsthand, not have to have them pointed out to me on this forum before I do!

But life goes on,
-Qfwfq

Thank you all. I didn't expect to have these many responses to my vent. They really lifted my spirit and I felt better after reading them.

I had my son from 3-7, my W insisted it would only be for 3 hours but was "nice enough" to give us an extra hour. We came to the house and we had a great time! His b-day is coming up this Saturday and he helped me with some of the preparations for it. We played Monopoly, he likes playing it but he's too young to really follow it so we play a made up easier version of it. We ate dinner and played on the computer. He really enjoyed himself and I enjoyed him as well.

But, "but" should be stricken from the dictionary, on the way back he cried halfway through it. When I gave him to mom he kept crying and would not let me go of my jacket. Why? Because he does not want to live with her and wants to live with me. He can't understand why that is the case. He is desperately looking for an answer from me, from somebody, and it feels frustrating not to tell him "because of your mom." Any parent reading this can understand my pain at seeing my own child hurt so much and it s*cks even more when the one hurting him is his own mother who claims that she's only doing what is best for him.

He did not want to let go and for some reason I felt compelled to convince him it was time to go. I reminded him to always obey his mom and that his mom takes care of him and so forth while at the same time feeling like screaming at her and saying "look at what you are doing to him!!!" My W just stood there and only once asked me if she should take over. But something within me told me "no, don't let her, I will make it easy on him."

Our mutual friend and her BF were present during this exchange and I tell you I felt this utter solidarity with my S while I hugged and kissed him several times because I knew exactly what he was feeling. I think the moment was poignant, father and son hugging each other while son cries, father trying to make him laugh while the mother/wife was a couple of feet away standing there looking like an outsider. It is gut wrenching to see your son this way and hard to contain yourself because you are feeling the same thing as he is.

They finally left, the door was closed and I cried. Thank God for friends.

Thanks all of you for being there for me. Thanks.

UC,

IMHO, it is time to share some truth with your son. He is now a victim in this mess and he needs to know that he has support. As the victim he needs to know who is making him the victim.

IMHO, you owe that piece of explanation to your son. It doesn't matter what your W thinks..... I will try to get ahold of Indy. He like several other dads here have gone through the same thing. In Indy's case, he has custody of their 2 children.

take care,
L.

UC ... check your Yahoo! mail. I just sent you some.

whippit,

got it, just replied. Thanks.

still seeking,

I'm looking into activities that can help me. I have a couple of ideas about volunteering. Yes, I need to pick up where I left off and start looking at myself again. This Saturday is my son's b-day and I have a party for him at his best friend's house. I invited all of his closest friends from before d-day. Some of them he has not seen in a year, others in months. He is very excited about it.

I found out what my biggest problem is right now: speaking with my W. I was successful in not speaking for a a few weeks, I know I can do it again. The only thing I am not sure how to achieve is working out the logistics with her as far as visitation is concerned.

STTSI,

Both lawyers asked for a continuance. My lawyer advised me to gather more evidence so we can go for permanent custody. The next step is to go through a custody evaluation. In the meantime I sent a letter to my W asking for more visitation days. She's received it but has not replied yet. Another letter was sent with the name of the psychologists who can perform the evaluation to ask if she has any preference. Unfortunately the process is utterly slow and it hurts me that my son is living in that house. Patience is the key.

The truth about what my W is doing/has done has come out and her lawyer knows it. Her lawyer was OM's divorce lawyer and told my lawyer that OM is a "wonderful" man.

whippit,

Thanks.

Qfwfq,

I have so much to learn still. I have changed. I have changed the way I look at the world, God, and people. I have changed the way I interact with each of them. But still, I need to learn to deal with her, to communicate with her, for the sake of my son. I need to have that "coldness" she displays when she talks to me. I need to learn to STOP speaking with her.

Orchid,

I know what you are saying about sharing some truths with him. I have been very tempted. However, I want to make sure he grows up respecting and loving his mother. I know that eventually he will make up his mind about her but I don't want it to be me who points it out to him. She is already doing a good job herself.

The things I have told him though deal with the situation and not the people. I always call the house where I live in, "our" home and when he talks about his mom's house or his house I correct him and say that it is not his house but OM's house.

All,

She had no business bringing OM to pick up our son last night. At least he had the decency to stay in the car and not get out. I felt it like an insult, sort of like rubbing it in. But I know I can't control that so I have to learn to let it go and not let it bother me.

I have learned so much this past year and people around me have noticed that change in me and I feel good about those changes, but the weight of this pain brings me down and stops me from taking the positives higher.

Be well and thanks.

Tagged you back, mi amigo.