Many of you know my story. I am a former WS who is now divorced, due to my infidelity. I've been trying to show my exH how remorseful I am, how I want to work on the marriage--and be family again.

So far, no luck. I wake up in the morning and he is the first thing I think about. Same thing at night, I'm thinking of him. This goes on all day long. Work is a great refuge as it's an escape from this torture of thinking of what I've lost.

He's been out of town for a few days. I so wanted to write him a letter to be there upon his return, in his mailbox. I'd sent him some notes in the fall, but he told me they made him feel 'pressured'. I send sometimes send him emails, with proclamations of love. I will write the letter here now, and please tell me how YOU would feel if you received such a letter. Tell me if you think I should send it, or not. Thanks for your help.

Dear - - - -,
I am thinking back to our talk a few weeks ago. You again told me that at this time you didn't want anything to do with me. I respect your decision.
I just want to say a few things to you now.

Thanks for the happiness you gave me, for many years. You were the best friend I ever had , and you were a wonderful husband and father. The finest moments in my life have been
1) the time spent with you, in our youth, as friends talking until way into the night.
2) the day we became engaged
3) the day you relocated to this state, when you were younger
4) the day we married
5) the days our children were born
6) the time I was very sick, and you packed my bag yourself , took care of our young children, and brought the bag to the hospital- for me
7) the trip we took to celebrate our 10th anniv.
8) the many fine moments spent simply sitting on the sofa with you, holding your hand.
9) the moments spent in the car, as you drove--and we held hands
10) the private times we shared as a couple

Since you and I separated, I haven't known any happy moments. The only time I've felt good and at peace have been when you're near me.

The highlight of the last year was when last April you told me we should 'go to a movie or dinner'. That never came to pass , as you changed your mind. I understand.

Another highlight was in early August when you told me you'd go to counseling with me. I understand that you've changed your mind for the time being.

You told me on the phone that I could call you to 'vent'. I don't feel simply a need to vent to you. I feel a need to share life with you, to show you my love for you. I ache that you are living alone, and I am here-- a mile away.

All of our hopes and dreams as a couple and intact family are gone. I dream of seeing your face, beaming at me--with love. I dream of pleasing you, as I once did--and seeing your face light up when I walk in the room.

I will love you until the day I die, and I won't feel my life is complete until you are by my side again.

I've told you over and over how sorry I am, and that the remorse I feel is deep and real. I still hope and pray that you can forgive me, and that one day you'll let me love you again.

There's no excuse for what I did. If you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I will show you that it is worth it to do so.

You told me you didn't want to try again, for fear that it wouldn't work and that would only be harder on the kids. I feel it's worse to simply give up, as we did...when all of this started.

I love you dear _ _ _ _.

Me

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

MB friends- Thanks to those of you who read this. It made me sob to write it. It is safer to write it here than mail it. Shall I mail it? I have said these words--many of them--before. What do you think? I've already lost this man- the divorce was final in August. Do I have anything to lose, by sending a letter, again? (He never answers emails, etc.)

Will sending him a letter bug him, all the more?

Any suggestions are welcome!

Thanks, H_P
me-43
married '81
EA began '98, internet
PA began '99, long distance A
separated fall '00
D day Feb '01
H filed D in summer '01
OM moved locally '01
ended A '02
Divorce final Aug -02
3 children- all teens

<small>[ March 03, 2003, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

I've had a hard day today, and this letter of yours made me cry. I really don't know what to tell you. Your words showed compassion, and love. If you have a counselor, I would talk to that person about sending this letter. Also, I would write a letter stating to yourself, what you would feel if you received this letter with his attitude. Write down, what you think your husband would feel. That is all I can suggest, yours is a hard one to really say what to do.

hopeful...I'm sorry for what you are feeling and for the remorse you have shown. But...there is always a but, sorry...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...at this time you didn't want anything to do with me. I respect your decision.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you send this letter...you're not respecting his decision.

I know that isn't what you wanted to hear, I know how much you want to reclaim your marriage...I too can "hear" your heart in this letter...but...

May you find peace on your healing path!

Hopeful_Person it saddens me to see you in such pain and I wish that the letter you wrotte would make your ex-H aware how much you love him and are sincere that you learned how to protect yourself from falling into another A. BUT, I would be doing you a disservice by not saying that the letter will only drive him further away. He will view it as another attempt on your part, to pressure him into a relationship he is still not ready for. Are you afraid that if you do not express your feelings of love for him, that he will eventually find another woman?

That was a wonderful letter and I would personally be the happiest guy in the world to get one like it but I have to agree with wifey. I learned the hard way that the best thing you can do is respect what they say they want and try to work on becoming the best person you can.

H-P hi,

Like faith4me suggested I read this as your ex with his mindset might read it.

I'm sorry but imho it will not work. He needs a reason to listen. There is nothing new. Nothing to get his attention. And there is a lot of LB in in it.

Yesterday I read through all your threads. People have been giving you the same advice about telling your kids the truth since the beginning. They have been saying that he doesn't feel your remorse despite what you say. Kily says you've made progress but I think she's killing you with kindness. You need to get into MB IC and get some help. Again if you think this is cruel please remember it would be easier and more cruel to not reply.

For what it's worth, here are my comments on your letter. Comments with ***

I am thinking back to our talk a few weeks ago.
You again told me that at this time you didn't want anything to do with me. I respect your decision. I just want to say a few things to you now.
***
This goes round in circles and is conflicting. It will get up his nose. Why not say "You told me you didn't want anything to do with me. I'm sorry but I feel so badly that I must write to you. Please read this letter" ***

Thanks for the happiness you gave me, for many years.
You were the best friend I ever had , and you were a wonderful husband and *** insert "are a wonderful" *** father.
The finest moments in my life have been
1) the time spent with you, in our youth, as friends talking until way into the night.
2) the day we became engaged
3) the day you relocated to this state, when you were younger
4) the day we married
5) the days our children were born
6) the time I was very sick, and you packed my bag yourself , took care of our young children,
and brought the bag to the hospital- for me
7) the trip we took to celebrate our 10th anniv.
8) the many fine moments spent simply sitting on the sofa with you, holding your hand.
9) the moments spent in the car, as you drove--and we held hands
10) the private times we shared as a couple

*** This list contains forms of the word "young" 3 times. Take them out. It will distance him from what you are conveying ***
*** This list contains forms of the word "moment" 3 times. Take them out. It implies an ephermeral nature to the happiness ***

The highlight of the last year was when last April you told me we should 'go to a movie or dinner'. That never came to pass , as you changed your mind. I understand.
Another highlight was in early August when you told me you'd go to counseling with me. I understand that you've changed your mind for the time being.
*** Leave out these highlights he didn't follow through and you saying you understand is an LB for him" ***

You told me on the phone that I could call you to 'vent'.
I don't feel simply a need to vent to you.
I feel a need to share life with you, to show you my love for you.
I ache that you are living alone, and I am here-- a mile away. *** This is a mild LB ***
*** I'd take this out. I feel he said you could vent just to finish a long painful telephone call.
To go on about your feelings will make him ask when his feelings are going to get aired. ***

I dream of seeing your face, beaming at me--with love. I dream of pleasing you, as I once did--and seeing your face light up when I walk in the room.
*** take this out it will get his movie of the A going ***

I will love you until the day I die, and I won't feel my life is complete until you are by my side again.
*** I think you must be absolutely honest with him. You have spoken on MB about waiting 2 years or 4 years. Only say this if you promise never to have a R with any other man remembering you will become very easy prey to another A when the kids leave home ***

I've told you over and over how sorry I am,
*** Here you are emphasising that what is in this letter is not new. Unfortunately it is true ***
and that the remorse I feel is deep and real.

There's no excuse for what I did.
If you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I will show you that it is worth it to do so.
*** this is negotiating the terms before having sold him the concept ***
You told me you didn't want to try again,
for fear that it wouldn't work and that would only be harder on the kids.
I feel it's worse to simply give up, as we did...when all of this started.
*** He gave you his reasons. You feeling different on his behalf equals LB.***

Do you a deal H-P,
Get some MB IC and I won't plan B you.
<<< It's a joke >>>
Smile for Pete's sake.

H_P,

I just got back into town late last night and say this letter this morning. I have a few thoughts but even less time.

I believe your idea to communciate this to your exH is right. I think timing is very important. But, I also agree that the letter doesn't really convey what you really want to say. It does show any humor, and really while many of us can empathize with you, it doesn't give a reason to come back.

I will come back and try to be constructive with this H_P. I do think he doesn't DARE believe what you say in this letter. No matter how much he MIGHT want it to come true, he doesn't dare.

It comes back to your children again, I think. Not using them, allowing them to be the intermediaries that you two need to crack a few walls.

Must go, but hang in there H_P.

God Bless,

JL

H_P-

Similar to what Starman mentioned, I'd fall on the floor and roll around in joy if I received a letter like this from my XW.

In your case though, I think it might cause your XH lots of emotional turmoil and I'd recommend not sending it as you have it written now. I'd opt for something more subtle with some sort of humor as J_L suggested.

"MB friends- Thanks to those of you who read this. It made me sob to write it. "

IMO, the hidden gem in writing this letter is the effect it's had on you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to write this and to constantly rehash your mistakes. Keep in mind though that all of this anguish is helping you to become a better person and in turn improving your chances of R with your XH. If R is not in the cards, you'll find happiness again regardless. Hang in there and God bless you and your family...

<small>[ February 21, 2003, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

Hopeful-

If you ask 10 different people, you'll get ten different answers.

I for one think your letter is spectacular because it is strait from your heart. Who cares about "hidden messages" and what choice of words you use. Psycobable...It was beautiful because it was strait from your heart.

Whats more important...That he KNOWS you love him still or that he may feel a little "pressure"

All you are trying to do is convey love and remourse, it is HIS choice on whether he wants to pursue a relationship, so if he feels pressure in my opinion, he is causing it himself because if I am a bettin man, he does want to be with you...

Its his understandably wounded pride stopping him.

Rly

H_P,

I don't have a lot of time today. Your letter just gets to me. It makes me feel so sad for you, your exH, and your family. It depresses me for the what might have beens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I guess my question is: Do you think if your exH felt the way I did when I read you letter would it make him feel better about you?

I know putting this on paper just tears you up, but what do you really want him to do? What do you really want him to hear? How are you going to communicate with him the way you need to?

As much as we would love for our spouses to be at our knee loving us with all of their heart, it is not enough. We all need to enjoy receiving that love. That is why Harley talks about "targeting" our love to the "needs" of the other person.

You have written a letter you would love to receive from your H. Actually, a love letter like that would turn ME to jelly as well. But, necessarily one he would like to receive.

But, we aren't talking about YOU or Me. We are talking about your H. Why should he come back to you? What can you offer that he needs? Why would he be happier being with you than without you? Why would having the family together make a difference to him, to the family, to you?

I am not asking these questions to frustrate or discourage you. I am asking because your letter when it is sent should only been sent when you have answers to most if not all of these questions.

You don't have them now. You don't even have the obvious one. Is he lonely? Most times when people meet in the dating one of the first things one can assume is that they WANT to meet someone new, they are receptive to a new relationship. Is your H?

If you don't know the answer, talk with your kids and specifically your older D. She can tell you what she sees. You need to know this.

That is why I keep coming back to the kids. Right now they are your means of communicating, learning, and understanding what is going on. I do not mean USE them, but asking them what they feel, how they feel, what their Dad is feeling is important.

Further, it is IMPORTANT (in my mind anyway) that your children have been told clearly and concisely your love their Dad, you would dear like to be back together with him, and that you KNOW he is very hurt by YOU (not the kids). Why is this important? Not to make your exH look bad, but so they are comfortable and clear about your feelings for their Dad. They may or may not convey your feelings, but they will understand why you are asking them questions about him and his feelings.

You need more information before sending that letter. You need to target your efforts. You need to know his NEEDS. You also need to move along with your life, NOT AWAY FROM HIM, but so that you are happy, so that he sees a woman he might enjoy being with.

What I am really saying is MAKE A PLAN. You plan to be patient is great and a necessary FIRST step. If the children would like to see you two together, then they become part of the plan. If you know what he wants, needs, fears, desires, then that information becomes part of the plan. Now plan is perfect but have one, and when you see him ALWAYS touch him.

I recall in the past you have been reluctant to touch him and show affection. Do it. Little steps, and then more little steps.

Your exH needs to receive a letter such as you wrote but it needs to be focused more to him. Personally, although I may be wrong, I would tell him you plan on getting him back. Then I would smile, kiss him lightly and then tell him to not worry your bark is worse than your bite.

Why the latter part, most men like the forthright approach, even the idea that someone wants THEM. Plant the seed.

You are probably too young, but years a go there was a commercial ( I don't recall for what, I think a candy bar or something). This slightly balding, heavy set guy, comes on and says : "We are going to get you." The scene changes and he says, "Sooner or later we are going to get you." Then later with more laughter, and a bigger smile and louder, "Oh, yeah we are going to get you."

All of this is said with a huge smile, and a chuckle moving to laughter. There was no way, you could watch that advertisement and NOT smile. You just could not resist the infectionous of this guy laughing and telling you, they were going to get you. The add was wildly popular, and always effected people postively.

H-P, when I read your posts, I just see you being that guy (although far more attractive). It was this determined, jovial, relentlessness, confident approach that made the add so attractive. You are determined, you need more humor, a bit more relentlessness, and the upfront "We are going to get you." in your approach to this.

It will wear your exH down. Your kids will notice, and I suspect they will join in. They will be the first people he listens to, but then he may well start to listen to you.

THEN you can open your heart and really talk with him.

Think about this OK?

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ February 21, 2003, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Hi,
I must tell all of you how happy it made me to have so many responses to my 'letter'. It was very cathartic to write it, and reading all of your insight has been helpful, too. I will respond on each of your comments later on. Right now I don't have privacy here!

Thanks for caring enough to give me your input. IT is so meaningful to me that you do so.

Hadn't checked here all day- I can't access this site at my place of employment.

Take care,
H_P

Hi H_P!
I again crawl forth from the primordial muck of "lurkdom" to salute you! My phone line has been out for weeks (I live on a sailboat docked in these nice peoples' back yard near Annapolis, MD), so my puter hasn't been hooked to nuthin lately.

But, anyway....I vote send the letter. What have you to lose? Hammer away at him....I guarantee you he likes to hear it, but would NEVER admit (or even acknowledge) it. I got 5 bucks says he's watching VERY closely (and listening to the kids comments) to see if you could possibly mean it.

I believe there is a good chance for reconciliation...unless, of course, you start dating again. He's watching and listening very closely...and I'd bet WAY more than 5 bucks on that. Keep doing what you're doing.

I gotta tell ya I'm astounded at your graciousness on here....you even thank blatantly nasty posters like olderandwiser (no relation! LOL), who are obviously lashing out at you because they can't lash out at THEIR WS's. You used the term "displacement" and I agree. I don't want to single out olderandwiser, tho...there are/have been many others. BryanP comes to mind....you know what he's going to say before he even says it...and it's ALWAYS negative and judgemental. I haven't figured out Just Learning....he is a extremely intelligent and nice fellow who has helped MANY here, but he does seem to gravitate exclusively towards female WS's. He claims no personal experience with infidelity, and I won't question his motives. And hell, why do I still read here?!? I've given up on my former wife....I'll always love her and wish her well, but I don't want her back. I simply didn't get the job done.....and that's nobody's fault but my own. Your ex may feel the same way...but hopefully, he's NOT the defeatist that I am!
It is said often, on here, that women can forgive physical betrayal, but rarely, if ever, emotional betrayal...and that men are the opposite. (what else is new? lol). Don't know where I was going with that, so I'll shut up now.

Oh, you mentioned that I should maintain contact with my ex stepkids....well guess what! The oldest just got her driver's license and as soon as she could, she piled her younger brother and sister in the car and drove all the way over here (from Northern Va, 50 miles). BOY, was it ever great seeing them! We went out for a sail on the Bay and then out to dinner in Annapolis (all with their mom's permission). What a wonderful day!

If I may critique your letter a bit, tho, as much as I like top ten lists (I watch Letterman every night)....your ex might wonder why, if everything was so great for all those years, why did you take up with the other guy? Guys are analytical about stuff like that....things HAVE to make sense, ya know?

But, all in all, it's a great letter and I'm sure he'll be glad to read it.

Better go....I've got a (moonlighting) diesel engine guy coming down in the morning to do some maintenance on my auxiliary motor and generator.

Best wishes to ya H_P!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
bud

Again--thanks for your replies. I appreciate all of your advice.

It's been a dreary day here. I have the boys this weekend, but today only one was home with me. I grocery shopped, worked on chores here, and have lots to do for my job, too. I'll get to that shortly.

A short VENT:
I feel like I can't stand my life at times. All that ever mattered to me was having a family, and now I feel very lonely when I'm not working. I talked to a few friends today, but they don't fill the void of my husband. Perhaps you don't believe me, but exH and I were once very close, and we basically just needed each other and our kids. That was it. WE had friends, family, etc, but our family and my R with exH was IT for me. It is so sad, I've leaned over to pick up the phone and simply call the man, but I can't bear the rejection at this moment. THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT . Now on to your responses to my letter to exH. I haven't mailed it yet, nor communicated at all with him lately. (except an email 'thanks' in regards to a ride for our sons, etc)

Faith
Thanks for your empathy, and for your honesty in saying you don't know what to say about sending it or not.

I don't have a counselor, so I can't go that avenue as far as an opinion . At this point I don't know how exH would feel about these words from me.

JustAWIFEY

Thanks for your input. I suppose by sending it I'm not respecting his decision to not reconcile. However, the man did tell me I could call to 'vent'. Perhaps a letter is better for me to do, as he can read it without feeling a compulsion to have to answer me.

Coffeeman

Thanks for your input, too. I was happy to hear from you, haven't had your input in a long time.

You said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BUT, I would be doing you a disservice by not saying that the letter will only drive him further away. He will view it as another attempt on your part, to pressure him into a relationship he is still not ready for. Are you afraid that if you do not express your feelings of love for him, that he will eventually find another woman?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have a valid point, but he did tell me I could call him to 'vent'. I'm not worried about him finding another woman to love, per se. He has told me recently he thinks he is meant to be alone, forever. I just want to remind him that I love him, and that I think of him OFTEN. I think that many people in my position would have given up by now. I learned how to be patient, from my exH. Now is the time to show him that improvement. If I completely ignore the man, then I'm showing him nothing at all. That is how I view it.

Starman

You said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I learned the hard way that the best thing you can do is respect what they say they want and try to work on becoming the best person you can.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, Starman. I am working on becoming a better person. I guess at this point I don't see what I have to lose by AGAIN reminding him that I love him. Our R ended without a fight. That was wrong. I feel that there is so much 'unfinished business' between both of us. That is part of the reason I am in so much turmoil.

olderandwiser

Thanks for your input, too. I appreciate all of your time spent reading my threads, and your comments.

He did tell me he wanted nothing to do with me. But then, last time he and I talked--he said I could call him, to vent. I think HE DOES want something to do with me, but he's too proud to admit it yet. Perhaps I'm wrong, but that is my gut instinct after knowing this man for 30 years.

I agree with your reference for me saying 'young' too many times in the letter. I must live in the now, and include recent times with him.

You're right, it's LBing to bring up his not following through with things he said he would do, and took back. Thanks!

You said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel he said you could vent just to finish a long painful telephone call.
To go on about your feelings will make him ask when his feelings are going to get aired. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He sounded like he was in no rush to get off the phone, and we talked a long time after that statement was made on his part. I ask him to tell me about his feelings, but I'm sure you know that some people don't run around and talk about them. He is one of those.

You said that for me to refer to the joy of seeing his face light up would remind him of the A. I don't see that at all.

Now, exH doesn't know this--but I NEVER saw OM happy to see me, the way my exH was. I don't follow your idea here at all.


At this point, I plan on waiting for my exH for 3- 5 years. I feel comfortable telling him I won't feel complete until he is by my side. If, in five years, I give up and am with someone else--I guarantee you that the ghost of my exH will always be there, with me. That won't mean I won't be able to love anyone else, but I won't ever quit loving this man ---on a certain level. That is just how it is. I suppose many widows/ers feel the same way. They may fall in love again, and remarry--but they still LOVE their deceased spouse on a certain level. Isn't that natural?

I won't be 'prey' to another A when the kids leave home. I am divorced now. If I WAIT five years or so, and then date...how is that an affair?

Older, you then said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Get some MB IC and I won't plan B you.
<<< It's a joke >>>
Smile for Pete's sake.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Will do! (the smile part)

LITCHFIELD
tHANKS for your reply, too. I appreciate what you're saying about feeling joyful if you received such a letter. I see your point though that it might be too much for him, right now.

You said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> IMO, the hidden gem in writing this letter is the effect it's had on you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to write this and to constantly rehash your mistakes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel I constantly rehash my mistakes when I'm not working. That is why work is such a blessing to me.

The other day someone at work was complimenting me ( a female) on what a great job I do. All I could say was, "Thanks, but I am a bit of a workaholic." I do it as it keeps my mind off of this sadness that engulfs me constantly.

Yesterday I saw a couple walking in to a store, holding hands, as ExH and I often did. (almost all the time) It brought me to tears, in an instant. This is how it goes now.

You said all this anguish is making me a better person. I certainly hope that it's doing some good.

Rlyhurtin
Thanks for your input. You wisely said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you ask 10 different people, you'll get ten different answers.I for one think your letter is spectacular because it is strait from your heart. Who cares about "hidden messages" and what choice of words you use. Psycobable...It was beautiful because it was strait from your heart.Whats more important...That he KNOWS you love him still or that he may feel a little "pressure"

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You of course have again given me 'hope'. I tend to believe it is best to speak from the heart, without too much editing in cases like this. Thanks for the input.

You then said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> All you are trying to do is convey love and remorse, it is HIS choice on whether he wants to pursue a relationship, so if he feels pressure in my opinion, he is causing it himself because if I am a bettin man, he does want to be with you...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see it this way, too. I need to keep reminding him--weekly?--that I love him and want him in my life. If I dont tell him, from afar---how will he know?

J.L.
Thanks for your input, too. Yes, the 'what could have been's' are very sad, indeed. I am still praying that things will be, again.

You asked me if this letter would make him feel better about me. I simply don't know what would, at this point.

You said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know putting this on paper just tears you up, but what do you really want him to do? What do you really want him to hear? How are you going to communicate with him the way you need to?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I simply want him to nothing, but to know that I love him deeply, still. That is all I want him to hear.

If something awful , for example, were to happen to the man tomorrow--at least I would know I again let him know I loved him, despite his utter indifference to me. Does that make sense?

You said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As much as we would love for our spouses to be at our knee loving us with all of their heart, it is not enough. We all need to enjoy receiving that love. That is why Harley talks about "targeting" our love to the "needs" of the other person.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is so true, JL. I just can't imagine that he has all of his needs met now.

I know he needs to be admired. Maybe I should instead write a letter from that point of view, telling how much I admire him. Perhaps that would be better.

I also know that he used to DISLIKE being alone here, when I"d visit family, etc. He said it felt empty without me near him. Did all of that leave his soul, completely? I know it's been a long time since he left here, but I can't imagine that his life is so full that he doesn't fill any void at all without the family with him.

I don't know if he's lonely, really, or not. I didn't ask my daughter yesterday, as I simply didn't want to be a 'downer', again, bringing all of this up to her. I will do so, when I see her the upcoming weekend.

Later on this evening I will ask my sons about it.

You then said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Further, it is IMPORTANT (in my mind anyway) that your children have been told clearly and concisely your love their Dad, you would dear like to be back together with him, and that you KNOW he is very hurt by YOU (not the kids). Why is this important? Not to make your exH look bad, but so they are comfortable and clear about your feelings for their Dad. They may or may not convey your feelings, but they will understand why you are asking them questions about him and his feelings.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have told them I love him, and have hurt him, and want to be together again. I will tell them again.

I have felt I've moved along in my life. I've gotten re-involved in a hobby , and I do many activities with that group. (It's a 100% female hobby-no males involved at these activities) As I know I've mentioned ad-nauseum, my job is very consuming. I mentioned to exH in an email that I recently had a promotion, but he never comment either way. It's sad that I lost the priviledge of his pride for things I've accomplished, isnt it?

I like your idea of a plan. You're right. I think intuitively speaking that i know what he wants, needs, and desires. His big fear is that it won't work out, again. He likes being alone, he considered me stressful. (I think he is simply focusing on the negative, as self-protection--like we all do --to rationalize being alone)

You're right, JL, I should touch him. The problem is that he is never close enough to touch. He drops off the kids. I dont' see them drive up to the house. He's gone--backing out. I merely 'wave' from the door. I would have to run out there, and aggressively attack his vehicle to get him to stay. I feel this would be very unattractive, to say the least.

You then said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your exH needs to receive a letter such as you wrote but it needs to be focused more to him. Personally, although I may be wrong, I would tell him you plan on getting him back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have thought of that. My only concern is that this man is so AGAINST following 'orders', so to speak. He is stubborn to a fault--as he freely admits. He's the type that will do something he knows is not in his best interest, just to not do what others say he should do. HOpe that makes sense.

I don't remember the commercial you mentioned--well, maybe a bit vaguely--but perhaps you do have the right idea. I have said this, on the phone, but he kind of just nervously laughs when I say it. (I will say..for example..."I know you really want this, you'll see.."

I hope it does wear him down--so to speak, we'll see.

Budswiser
I wondered if you were lurking about, or off on some voyage. Thanks for dropping anchor long enough to add a few words.

Thanks for your vote to mail the letter. I will refine it though, to focus more on him....and my gratitude for him, in my life. I don't think it will have an immediate effect, but at least it's more admiration shown him.

You then said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guarantee you he likes to hear it, but would NEVER admit (or even acknowledge) it. I got 5 bucks says he's watching VERY closely (and listening to the kids comments) to see if you could possibly mean it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the vote of confidence. No, I have no interest in dating anyone. Not a chance.

Thanks for the compliment on my graciousness. I try and live that way in my life, all the way around. All the more shock to everyone that I went out and got involved with OM. It certainly was the low point of my life, as a human being.

You're right, JL is very intelligent and has been a huge help to me. And, by the way, he comments here to all kinds of people---male and female. I don't draw any sort of conclusions to who responds to whom here, by the way.

I'm THRILLED to hear that your stepchildren visited you. That says a lot about you, as a person and a stepparent. If you still love your exWife, don't you see any chance at all for a restored relationship with her?

As far as my letter goes,
you said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">your ex might wonder why, if everything was so great for all those years, why did you take up with the other guy? Guys are analytical about stuff </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was thinking the same thing, as I wrote it. I knew he would wonder that, too. I don't know how to get around that. I feel I had a semi-nervous breakdown--and that's why I had the affair--but I know to many that is a hopeless excuse. I don't mean for it to be one, but that is how I see it. I truly 'compartmentalized' what I was doing, and it was like it wasn't me, in a sense.

Hope your engine repairs went okay.
Thanks for your help, and for de-lurking and adding your comments.

Take care,
H_P

H-P hi

Just to clarify
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You said that for me to refer to the joy of seeing his face light up would remind him of the A. I don't see that at all.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes that was fine it was this next sentence that recalled the A. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I dream of pleasing you, as I once did
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I won't be 'prey' to another A when the kids leave home. I am divorced now. If I WAIT five years or so, and then date...how is that an affair?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A single woman with her own house no kids around is prey to a gold digger. I agree it is not an EMA.

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for all your help. Yesterday turned out to be rather pleasant, in a way.

My brother had arranged for exH to pick him up from the airport, instead of me. They had an odd excuse, but who knows if deep down my brother and sister in law are trying to help me. (They barely spoke to me during the A, so of course I couldn't expect them to turn around and now support me in wanting exH back, could I? )

Anyway, I called exH and offered use of my car to pick them up at the airport, instead of his vehicle. Mine is more practical. He actually came and got it, and used it.

I also discovered that I needed to have my taxes done ASAP due to DD's school papers. I asked him last evening, in front of our sons, if he could do my taxes. He agreed. He picked up my relatives at the airport, brought them here, and then asked me if I'd gathered up my stuff for taxes. I gathered the things while he waited, and then I sent all of it home with him. He actually emailed me an hour and a half later, and he was DONE with the taxes. This was so very , very kind of him. IT did benefit our daughter, but he certainly could have said, 'No". (He did my taxes for me the last two years, too!) A month ago I'd asked if he could help me with them, but he pretty much gave me a 'negative, get a tax expert' . That sort of thing.

I only emailed him today, with a kind thanks and deep appreciation. What should I do...?? Please any suggestions???

I must add that he seemed 'better' again, yesterday. He was fairly warm, and jovial.

JL, I didn't touch him much. He stood fairly far away the whole time. I did touch his arm, once only, when I gave him the papers. It's hard as he is so 'stiff' now!

OLDER,
In response to what you said on the other thread. You're right, I was selfish. Having an affair is one of the most ultimate acts of selfishness, following suicide. Wouldn't you say?

And as far as the letter goes,when I spoke of pleasing my husband, I was thinking in the 'total' sense. I wasn't even thinking of sex. Perhaps that is a male/female thing. I meant in the sense of taking care of someone, cooking, catering to them, being their partner.

You then said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A single woman with her own house no kids around is prey to a gold digger. I agree it is not an EMA </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see your point, but I certainly wouldn't even be interested in someone who didn't have the financial stability that I currently do. At this point the whole thought of someone else is very foreign to me, so the whole thing is very hard to imagine.

Any suggestions on what to do for exH for his helping me with the taxes?

Thanks,
H+P

H_P-

Hey, that's good news with regards to the taxes! Seriously, others may pooh pah the significance but I think it's great! These little glimpses of sunlight that shine on you periodically are a pre-cursor for better things to come. It really seems like your XH, while extremely wary, is slowly coming to grips with his pain and opening up to the idea of a relationship with you again. He's definitely interested in you as I just don't see someone who wants to move on going to the lengths he has to help out. With regards to a gift, is he a practical person? Are there things he enjoys but doesn't allow himself to indulge in? Computer games, music, outdoor equipment, clothing, software, etc.? If so, consider setting him up with a gift certificate and present it with little fanfare or praise.

One thing that jumped out at me in your earlier post is your comment about how work provides you with the only relief from your internal turmoil. Hopefully, that ability to forgive yourself is something you ponder rather than ignore. I'm sure you know this, but we're all worthy of forgiveness. We're only asked to go forth and "sin no more". Good luck H_P!!

Thanks, LItchfield- for your reply.

I appreciate these words very much: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
It really seems like your XH, while extremely wary, is slowly coming to grips with his pain and opening up to the idea of a relationship with you again. He's definitely interested in you as I just don't see someone who wants to move on going to the lengths he has to help out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray that it's true. Tonight he dropped off DS's, without getting out of the vehicle. I suppose later on this week I'll have to sign the forms.

I think I'll get him a certificate at a store, as you mentioned.

Thanks for your support.

God bless,
H_P

Hi everyone,

I'm 'bumping' this up to see if anyone else has ideas for me. (re-exhusband doing tax work for me) Thanks again, Litchfield.

BTW, last night when he came to get the boys he was cordial, and had eye contact with me, especially as I hugged my sons and told them I loved them--as they left.

This is in sharp contrast to Valentine's Day, when he had his back to the front door--looking toward the street. Older, you were right about that day, and how he felt!

I've posted in the Divorced area too as perhaps at this time it's where I 'belong'. I've been divorced 6 months now-gosh, almost 7. I so thought in my stupidity that by now he and I would be together again. What was wrong with me?

Thanks for all of your help!

H_P

H-P,
in the area of conversation, are there any ways to approach exH. I didn't read your post about the convo where he said you could call him and "vent".
I'm thinking, can you call him and talk at all, on any topic?

to tell him something about the kids, or to consult with him about his thoughts about the kids (ex. what do you think of D's summer plans, or of her new boyfriend?)

discuss a subject of mutual interest to you (ex. wanted to tell you about the article about XX that I saw in the paper today, what do you think about this situation?)

ask him for his opinion on stuff he knows about. (what's the best software for this, what do you recommend for this type of home repair problem)

ask him about something he's doing, even if you heard about it from the kids (maybe something work related)

in other words to make repeated small attempts to engage him in conversation. Not big, heavy duty attempts, not big R talks- just little points of contact that are consistent and regular. Something that he might get used to over time.

???could that be a possible strategy???

Hi Espoir,
Thanks for responding to my thread. I appreciate it very much.

You asked me if I could call and talk to my husband about topics. He said once that "You can call me if you need to vent, but I don't want you calling for general 'chit-chat'." So there you are.

I think though he might not mind questions about his areas of expertise, although there again I walk a fine line. Once I called him with a car question as I felt an oil changing business was trying to sell me unnecessary services. He answered my question but then said 'You should look in the owner's manual." It's hard to say if this meant anything or not, as he might have said that anytime.

Yes, I could call him about the kids. He did say once that that was the ONLY topic he wanted to hear about.

Our only daughter was diagnosed with depression last summer. He doesn't even seem concerned about that. She is getting better, by the way. I know though that it's a lifetime tendency for many.

Yes, I need to call him about a computer program question I have. I will do that.

You know what's hard? Sometimes when I hear his voice, I get choked up and it's hard to speak. I don't want his sympathy, and I'm not doing it for manipulative reasons. It is a combination of feeling great joy at hearing his voice and great sorrow at having lost him.

You're right, thanks. Best to make small attempts at engaging him in conversation without R talks. No good at all. I need to call him more often, but as I mentioned it's hard to do as I feel emotionally overwhelmed AND I get so little warm feedback from him. It's like talking to a robot much of the time since all of this happened.

I will try it though, perhaps on a weekly basis. Not sure though how he'll take it.

Thanks again for caring and responding here.

Take care,
H_P