ATN:

Well, golly!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think you handled yourself famously. So did she. I applaud you for showing restraint about the SF issue, and how you explained how it made you feel. She's still not willing to admit to the A, even when you told her you know? I guess this isn't surprising, considering. Or maybe she wanted to stay as positive as possible during the convo. I can understand her saying that she's afraid that you'll get tired of her quickly if you get back together. My W still says she can't trust me, though I wasn't the one that had the A. They're uncertain about the future, and afraid to put their hearts on the line. I guess we all are.

Stay consistent, your plan A is working.

Oh, and feel free to date your W!!! Anytime the urge hits you and she wants to, try to do something nice and non-stressful, like go to dinner alone, or to a movie or to the mall to shop for new outfits for her (like Mark did this weekend!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Have fun,
-Qfwfq

Well, golly!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bravo!!!

Now you listen to me and listen well!! KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!

It's working, but ya gotta be patient. I suggest you don't even MENTION the A or OM again. He's slowly being dumped, I believe. In the least, she's thinking about it.

Keep being the excellent Daddy you've been. This is your ace in the hole.

So, patience, time, consistency, OK?

WAT

Wow, she is coming right along. I think she is really responding to your NOT pushing her, which is a lovebuster. You are showing that you can forgive her and I think she is starting to believe it. Look at how she responded when you didn't jump up and return her calls? WOW! Good job, ATN!!

Thanks you guys...The MB2x4 to the head hurts after a while <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So I had no choice but to listen. I truely beleive that me doing modified plan a is working. Basically a PLAN A with a little tough love. Some things are coming back to my memory.....

SHe indicated to me that I looked very nice at church and said she has only seen me in a tie 3 times...when we got married, our first divorce hearing and sunday at church....I told that I have been wearing a tie almost every ohter day at work...and co-workers are getting pissed because I am dressing better than them (I work in a small engineering firm and the dress is casual).

She has indiacted to me she can see major changes in me but alos indicated that she is afraid I am only doing the changes because of loosing her. I said what changes are you refering too. She indicated the dressing, church, being nice etc....I said I do not mean to ruin this conversation but these changes are for me and me only. You are the one who woke me up and now that I know they are important to you it makes me want to contuniue doing them for US.

Sorry if typing sucks,....I had about 4 wiskey sours <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Anyway....I realy miss her and the kids. It was real hard for me to drop off son saturday. But yesterday he kept saying..."daddy eat dinner" and kept giving me kisses... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I want this over, but I am strong to last the roller coaster ride.

GODBLESS you all and thanks....

WAT/MEL/Q

For her to ask the questions / make the comments she has, doe this mean she is considering getting back together or is she just playin me. The reason I ask is tha we are suppoed to ignore everyword that comes from the Aliens mouth.

Just wondering???

Went to daughters school program tonite. Met W and son and sat together. She did not mention how good I looked (if I must say what I was wearing I looked good, a old friend that was there said how great i looked and asked how much wght I have lost <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )Anyway spent most of the nite running around after my son but I did ask W if she had a nice dress, she asked why I was asking, I just said Im just asking. Anyway later I said I was wondering because I would like to take you oiut for a nice dinner and she kinda did not respond.....so I later asked her If she would like to ho out and have a nice dinner sometime. She made a comment " I find that Bizzare" I than asked why and she said "well we are in the middle of a divorce...thats why....I said well I love you and thats why....She then made a statement that she was bleeding profusey and she was tired all of this as we were leaving....

I kept seeing her looking at me when I was with my son. Also she was wearing a necklace (looked cheap) and I said thats nice when did you get that...She barked at me and said "I know what your thinking and NO>...I bought it for myself....I said I am not bringing him up anymore.....I said what I had to say and thats it.....besides if I thought he bought it I would have said thats a nice piece of pooop. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ..

What does this all mean....she kinda did a 90 (at least not a full 180).....Any thoughts guys...

Hey ATN, I think she is wavering, which is very normal. I agree with you 100% that you should execute a RESERVED Plan A. She just hits me as the type of person who would be very AVERSE to a heavy-handed, overly demonstrative Plan A. She NEEDS some challenge and is probably very averse to being patronized. I am very struck by her behavior towards you when you wouldn't return her phone calls last weekend.

You know something else? I think she is alot like me in that she is very strong willed. It is very hard to find men who will stand up to us and hold their own, not allow us to run over them. A man who does not allow me to run over him is VERY ATTRACTIVE to me. On the other hand, clingy, needy behavior was repulsive to me. Do you get the sense that she is like this?

Yes she is very strong willed....For example last nite I would bring up "coversation openers" ie like weather, children or house. I asked her if she had changed the air filter in the furnace and she kinda was rude to me and this happened a few times during the nite. I politely said to her that when I am trying to have a normal discussion with you please do not make it appear like you do not want to talk with me. I love you and will continue to try and start conversations but I have to saay its hard when you act like the conversation is not worth your time. I beleive she said sorry and we continued to talk.

I have to say my wife is a very strong willed person and does not take any poop from anyone. I realy and truely believe this is the hurdle that needs to delt with.

Update on OMW. She said he came home yesterday (has been gone 1 week and she leaves for 12 weeks in 1.5 weeks)he checked thier joint email account and a few clothes. What a F-ing COWARD. It appears to me that this guy can not face his wife becasue of the guilt he has. She has no intention of keeping him. She also indicated it would be nice to see him crawl back to her.

Mel...How does him not coming home affect my wife and me. I mean I am sure he is probably telling her that she kicked him etc....but I need to know how to deal with all of that....do i just leave well enough alone.

I have no reason to call/visit my wife for the next few days. Should I not contact her and see if she calls me?

Mel LMK you thoughts on the above questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Any Time Now...:
<strong> I politely said to her that when I am trying to have a normal discussion with you please do not make it appear like you do not want to talk with me. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you handled this very well. It lets her know that you have boundaries. It also makes her respect for you grow, and for many, love is linked to respect. It sure is for me.

When you say she doesn't take crap from anyone, do you mean that she has a chip on her shoulder? It sure sounds like it. It sounds like she is always in a defensive posture around people and doesn't know how to get out of it. I agree that it is a HUGE issue that needs to be addressed *IN THE FUTURE.* That has got to be a major lovebuster for you and very uncomfortable for her. Has she always been this defensive or is it a recent thing since the affair?

I wouldn't say or do anything about the OM's situation. It is really sort of good that he is gone because they are now free to assume their fantasy in the light of day. And the light of day takes all the polish off the apple. This can be a very positive development for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hope you don't call her in the next few days. She does not respond well to being pursued but really enjoys it when she has to pursue you.

Just finished reading up on your story.

Wow.

There are so many simalarities between us. I never would have thought affairs are so 'text book' but I'm really learning that's the case.

My WW came to me monday with the first real talk we've had since she moved out.. "I love him (OM).. I can't leave him... I can't try our marriage again.. It hurts too much.. I want a divorce.. I still love you, that's why it hurts so much.." It's almost mind boggling how the alien-talk comes out the same from them all. Do they share a book? Have a night class? "Thing's to say when having an affair 101"?

Your plan A seems to be working wonders. I commend you on your effort, and wish you the best of luck in your continued efforts. Your situation sounds pretty hopeful. Your WW seems to be swaying, wondering if she's making the right choice.. second guessing her decisions..

Keep focused on yourself and your Plan A. Pray. Talk to God, for he can do anything. Keep being a wonderful father, good worker, snazzy dresser. Hopefully, she'll come around.

As far as calling, it seems you'd be best served by not calling and waiting to see if she does. Let her chace you if she will. That will really make her second guess what she's doing.

Hey Johnny B....Ya I have notice that alot of threads Ive read are pretty similar. I get alot of support from Melody, WORTHATRY and Q and a few others. I realy truely feel in my gut that we will eventualy be toghter again but I am sick of throwing up everytime the roller coaster takes that big long drop. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Anyway I am glad we are similar in our stories and if you ever want to talk or use outside email or chat LMK and I will gladly give you a way to contact me or vis versa (this also goes for the gang who has helped me).

Thanks Again. I think I will not call her until say Monday of next week. What will probably interefere with that is my desperation to see kids. At least I can call my D on phone cause she is 11, but my Boy is only 2 1/2 and we both need to see each other. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks for your thoughts.

Melody....Any thoughts.

Melody you have forgotten about me already. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

ATN:

I doubt she's forgotton. Maybe something's come up.

I'm at a meeting in Houston, but I do try to check in when I can.

Because of your son's age, I would try to see him and talk to him as much as you can work out with your W. And maybe, if you keep the convo with her about HIM and how wonderful it is to spend time with him, she'll be more agreeable to letting you visit more.

Take care,
-Qfwfq

Hi ATN! I didn't even see your thread last night. Sorry I neglected you. I do think its a good idea to not contact her this weekend if you can. Give her some space to miss you.

Well I am NOT going to contact her till at least Sunday Nite. My D is going with my Mom for 3 days spring break monday and I said I woiuld contact her. I kinda want to know why WW acts like she does. I want to beleive she is on the "fence" but at the same time why is she cold the next time I see her. Is this normal. I was so happy to have that convo with her sunday that it touched my heart. I mean her asking about the possibilites or obstacles that would have to be addressed. Is this normal, cause I can not take having these convos with her and then not have any type of communications with her or least her acting like nothing was said. That hurst more now than the affair. Am I making sense or am I just in denial.

Words of WISDOM Melody?, WAT or Q or anyone else who hears my cries... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

ATN,

Her actions are VERY NORMAL for a WS in withdrawal. I suspect she is still going through withdrawal and the light creeps into her brain every once and while and she sees you in a realistic light and realizes what she is losing. THEN the OM calls and fogs her up for a few days or maybe she gets scared of her feelings for you. As long as you dont'love bust her or PUSH her, the light should eventually wash out the fog as she comes to realize that the OM is not what she really wants.

See, that is why I think it is good that the OM has left his wife. There are NO MORE fantasy obstacles here. She has to make a decision. And the more you attract her to YOU with your Plan A, the farther away she will draw from the OM.

Hopefully, as she pulls away from him, he will begin lovebusting, which will aide the end of the affair. It will not happen overnight, ATN. If she starts fence sitting TOO LONG, you can move to Plan B. But for now, it is imperative that you play it cool and execute a good Plan A. You are doing very good, just try and be patient.

ATN,

I also suspect she is having some intense inner battles right now. She has probably demonized you in her mind in order to justify what she is doing. Deep down she knows it is pure crap but I wonder if she withdraws into that when she is feeling guilty or defensive? She is probably struggling with letting go of that portrayal of you because letting go means she has to look at HERSELF for the blame. That is a very POSITIVE sign, ATN.

Thanks Melody. I realy lean on you for encouragement. I am realy happy for what is "going on" right now because I can see that part of her sees the light at the end of MY tunnel. I am just wanting her to run to it rather than tip-toe. I know....I know....Slow...Slow....I just want it to go away.

Thanks Mel.

PS...I will try and give my photo to FAITH to upload to the MD Photo Thread so you can see me.

PSA..Your quite attractive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well Melody, Have not talked to her since Thursday nite and not a word or call from her. I plan on calling her after I do some things in the morning. I hope she is a least receptive. It will be one week since our, I mean "her", convo with me. How does she go all week after saying those things to me???

Any spent time with inlaws tonite and even played backgammon with MIL. Had fun.

Good nite....Do I bring up any of the convo from last week if I talk to her. What about the dinner i asked her to go on???? Or just let her come to me....Thats hard...