MAJOR UPDATE

Wife called Sunday (while I was at church) and asked what time I was picking up D to go with Grama for a few days for spring break...I told her about 1ish...I asked if I could come early and play with son...she of course said yes...got there and played with son and then somehow we ended up talking outside about us....I really do not remember how it happened but again....she was pretty much the pursuer in the convos....

I did receive a partial nude picture from OMW claiming it was my wife. She said she caught him viewing it on there computer (spy software) along with many adult web sites and believe it or not....match.com...and a bunch of other dating sites <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . I say I am mad because of a few things...First I really thought the pic could be my wife except for 3 things...the date of the pic was 1 yr ago and my wife was allot heavier than what the pic showed. Also the woman had a "mole above the left breast. As I would love to admit, I really do not know every square inch of my w's body but I did NOT recall a mole.

I had printed it out and had in my car incase it was ever discussed. Anyway I'll get back to that in a minute. Our discussion again focused on the future with concerns. She first said to me "I am not telling you this so you think we are getting back together but, we did not talk Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I was worried and wanted to call you and ask how you were or even that matter "alive". She then went into how she thinks about us every day "she indicated all positive no negative" and how she loved her job and wanted to be a SAHM. Some how "he came up" and the convo seamed a perfect time to bring up the pic. Before I mentioned that I asked to see her chest <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> of course she was hesitant but it was kind of funny.... until I told her why...After not seeing the MOLE I was relieved I then showed her pic and explained. Told her about web sites and told her that If I ever catch him around my kids I will kick his f-ing a$$. I said porn can lead to all sorts of porn including child porn.... she seamed very concerned and I explained that he had not visited those types of sites but you may never know. I also said it was kind of of funny that a man leaving his wife for mine should not be visiting/having accounts at dating services online. She seemd to be really concerned, as she ought to be. Believe it or not this was not a LB. I think she actually appreciated it, I mean maybe she had some doubts&#8230;I do not know but she did not get pissed. Maybe hes gone already&#8230;

Well after that I called him a COWARD and said that any man that can not face his wife and tell his parents that he filed for divorce I s a coward. She said he told her a different story&#8230;I said go figure&#8230;. Think about this&#8230;. did you ever tell him the truth about us. Your whole relationship with him is based on lies and deceit. Remember my W has not even told me the truth yet but our convos act as if she has. Also this whole conversation believe it or not was very calm and very meaningful. My daughter had come out side at one point and my wife and I kind of wrapped it up, but she then asked me to come back later tonight and watch a movie. Of course I was extremely shocked. She said do not get any ideas&#8230;this does not mean I want us to get back together. I said ok but what does that mean. She said everytime I give you an inch you take 5. I said OK&#8230;.I understand&#8230;I left and came back and basically we talked instead of watching movie. It went real good. I am sick of typing and if there is any comments that I need to type from our discussion I will post tomorrow when at work&#8230;.

You're killing me, ATN!! Somehow you squeaked by a MAJOR lovebuster by bashing the OM. Please do NOT bash him again, ok? That can make her feel defensive OF HIM and push her right back towards him. You need to let her come to her own negative conclusions on her own. And as long as you are bashing him, she will NEVER GET THERE. Quit standing in her way. She will come around if you leave her be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She said everytime I give you an inch you take 5.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boyhowdybob, did she ever hit the nail on that one!!! Be cool and play it slow, she is coming along just fine as long as you don't PUSH, PUSH, PUSH.

Very good job on staying away for the weekend. It sounds like she missed you.

hey, nice mugshot there!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>hey, nice mugshot there!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hey I forgot....She said she read my Emotional Questionaire and she said she was somewhat upset at some of the answers I put. She even asked me to redo it. I told her those were my feelings when I did it. I did not indicate I would NOT redo it, but I do not think I should have to????? Originally I had asked her to fill hers out before she read mine and she said she wanted to see what I said) Also I asked if she would start reading SAA and she said yes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I said I wopuld prefer she read it over the next week or so and not over months and she said she would look at it and see. Its a start! When I dropped off book yesterday, I put a note on book asking her to fill out the EQ.

Anyway things are going good....I am now just preparing for the 180. When this happens I will be puking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Oh ya, we never watched movie and I was supposed to go over there last nite but she was not feeling well. I was upset but bit m tongue and just said that I would be waiting to watch it with her. I think agian, i am going to wait for her to call me. That seems to have an effect on her when i do not call.

What do you think?

ATN

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 07:06 AM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

Well, you shouldn't redo the EN Q, its only right or wrong based on YOUR feelings, not hers. Thats good that she agreed to read SAA. It won't be good if you push her, though, because trying to educate a BS can be a lovebuster. You are doing good.

Hey, man, you're doin really well! (Better than my fishing!)

I think I've caught up and I agree with everything Mel has said.

Here's my advice for the moment: Decrease the drama.

She has the message about OM - porn and dating, etc. - so DO NOT bring him up again. Ditto OM's W. You've done what you can, so no need to communicate with her any more. Bottom line: focus on your self and your marriage. This is no longer about OM (it never really was). DO NOT bring the affair up any more. It is just a symptom, not the disease. Keep being a bit distant and a "challenge." Make her wonder. Patience, time, consistency.

WAT

ATN:

Holy Cow!!! How did you do all that without getting utterly KILLED!?

But you did, somehow.

I think you did fine with the rest of it. And I agree, drop the OM. Stop talking to OMW. Enjoy your family. Take it slowly.

-Qfwfq

Beleive it or not guys it was a civil conversation. I can prove I have no wounds. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Anyway, it was as if she knew something was not right. But I WILL NOT BRING UP OM,OMW or the A at all. I feel so good about myself that I think she realy senses that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I could not be prouder of myself. I am going slow.

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

hehe, "slow" in ATN time or real time?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yes, you are doing very good. Just look how far you have brought things in 3 weeks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>hehe, "slow" in ATN time or real time?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yes, you are doing very good. Just look how far you have brought things in 3 weeks!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Melody...I am having a hard time last nite and today. Even though sunday she said that she was "worried or mad" that I had not called in days. I have not physically talked to her since monday afternoon when she said she was not feeling well and asked if we could watch movie another nite. Also she had told me she was looking last week at dresses because of what I had said to her re: if she had a nice dress so we could go out. SHe indicated that it took alot for me to say that and she realy felt special by me asking that. So yesterday (tuesday) I wrote her this email:

I hope you are feeling well. I got to work way too early today and went to www.anntaylor.com and looked at some dresses that I think you may like. If I recall you can search by Style number.

Here is what I liked and would love to see you in!

79989 (my absolute Favorite. This would just add to you beauty....Really....baby blue on you makes me melt)
81466 (not sure you like prints)

Other notable ones:
81171
86954
86890
79557

LMK what you think.

I love you.

Well of course she never replied. I realy expected a call. I am been also trying to give her some type of flowers at least every week. Last nite when I went to get my mail I put some roses in the mailbox.

Why does she seem so inviting to our conversations yet will not call me. Also her mom and dad have realy not talked to her. Her mom usually does our taxes and my W asked her mom if she would do them and her dad stepped in and said that as long as she is seeing OM and is continuing to lie to me they wanted nothing to do with her. So anyway, they have been talking, only re: kids and wife asks her dad Monday nite if she can do our taxes. His repsonse :are you still seeing OM" her response...."Not really" her dad said not good enough and she replied ok I understand. Know 2 things are happining, first either they are having troubles and are breaking up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> or she knows that they would tell me about the whole convo and she is just fing with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . Not sure, but in my convos with her it was as if she wanted to tell me they were not togheter....again I may be just nieve.....

What should I do? Do I continue not to talk to her. Like today my D is coming home from Gmas and I have to bring her home. Do I bring home D early so I do not need to see W?

Please help!!!

ATN,

I would not read anything into the convo between your W and her dad. It is apparent that things are ending there so it does no good to fret over it. You could also be perceived as pushing with the dress thing. She said something nice to you [gave you an inch] and you went to town with it. [took a mile] Your overzealousness discourages her from saying things like that.

She likes subtlety. She doesn't like being chased. So, I would suggest backing off today and letting her make the next move. Every time you back off, she starts coming TOWARDS you. Every time you push, she backs off. See the pattern?

Melody....Wife just called me asking some things about thursday and friday for my daughter. We talked about those issues and than I ask about the flowers and she said thank-you, that was nice. She then asked about her email she sent yesterday and I told her I never recieved it. She then went on about how the her email has not been working right. Anyway she said she would look at dresses today and LMK. Also said she was feeling better. My D had told me last week that her and my W were going to go to chicago while she was on spring break. I asked wife if they were still going and she indicated that they were only going to get american girl doll stuff and it was not worth the expense to park, tolls etc just for that so they bought stuff online. I suggested that we could all go on friday and go to a museum or something and she quickly said she would not feel comfortable. I repsonded kinda out voice with a OK...it was just an offer. I left conversation by saying....I realy did not have anything to say but when you want to watch that movie LMK. She said ok...

How long to I keep this plan a going without her walking all over me. I mean I see she sees the changes in me, but I have no clue of they are still seeing each other or not. When do I implement a PLAN B? I am just curious as to what you guys think as far as me not getting crushed. I truley believe by her words and actions she is still very much undecided. BUt at same time her M&D are teling me to get away and get away quick until she is ready to come back to you. I agree but it is harder said than done, especially with kids. I think again I should just back-off and give her space but how long do i keep doing that when she could have the best of both worlds.

I love her beyond all words could ever say but the fact is she is still possibly lying.

ATN,

We are far from ready to do Plan B. If you do Plan B too early you only give the WS some RELIEF from the pressure that can contribute to the END of the marriage. You need to continue to attract her with Plan A so that she will have something TO MISS if/when you go into Plan B. And she is coming to that point, but not there yet.

Look at where you started, ATN. You couldn't even see her without a huge fight and she didn't want to be in your presence. NOW, you have attracted her to the fence. She may sit on the fence for a while until you attract her some more. If you keep pushing her or do any lovebusting, she goes BACK OVER the fence. You don't want that.

I don't think its a good idea to suggest TRIPS with her. She is afraid to be stuck with you out of town for fear that you will start a fight. Its better to build up trust through non-threatening events where can safely get rid of you if need be. That way you can prove to her that you won't go ballistic in safe environments. And maybe after you demonstrate to her that you can be trusted to act sanely, she will trust you on longer trips. In many ways, her response was to be expected about the trip out of town. So don't let yourself get down. Your inlaws mean well, but their advice to break off at this point is not well founded and would work against you. Slow down, be patient. Things ARE coming along. In REAL time, not ATN time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Things ARE coming along. In REAL time, not ATN time.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was good.....I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks...So keep it cool and calm. I can do that. However when I do talk to her, do I ask about watching movie, or (I forgot to tell you guys) a walk downtown (where we live not Chicago) that she said we could do maybe with Daughter when she gets back. Do I make these advancements or do I let her come to me about what was discussed already...ie...Date (dress thing) and movie....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks...So keep it cool and calm. I can do that. However when I do talk to her, do I ask about watching movie, or (I forgot to tell you guys) a walk downtown (where we live not Chicago) that she said we could do maybe with Daughter when she gets back. Do I make these advancements or do I let her come to me about what was discussed already...ie...Date (dress thing) and movie...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any thoughts MELODY?

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

Sorry ATN, work was interfering with my internet time today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I almost think you should let her come to you lest you appear to be pushing. Remember what she said about you taking a mile. Its hard for me to judge that, but just be careful about pushing her and play it cool.

Thanks Melody, (I never let work interfere with my Internet Time) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well I dropped of daughter and my wife was home and I went into house. Son of course was happy to see me. My wife was wearing her "after work" clothes (sweats) and she looked absolutely beautiful, I told her this, she kinda looked at me like "are you crazy, I am wearing sweats". I said it doesnt matter what your wearing You are beautiful.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I noticed that the roses (I bought her the day before) were not on the kitchen table (where she ususally puts them). So I asked where they were and she said she brought them to work. She said I am there more and can see them more than if they were here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway SLOWWWWWWW and EASYYYYYY

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 07:26 AM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
Hey, man, you're doin really well! (Better than my fishing!)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Give us a breakdown of how your fishing went!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Any Time Now...:
<strong>So I asked where they were and she said she brought them to work. She said I am there more and can see them more than if they were here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway SLOWWWWWWW and EASYYYYYY</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW, that is a VERY GOOD sign! The OM will see them.