The fishing was excellent, but the catching was lousy. No keepers, which meant I didn't have to clean any. (I'm looking for the positive here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) But I'll be going again in three weeks further south and I'll have a lot more chances for redemption.

ATN, you're doing real well, just be patient. If you wonder whether you should do a particular thing but aren't sure - don't do it. You've done a lot of stuff right so far and the groundwork is laid for recovery, but there are a whole bunch of things you can still do wrong that can unravel all the good. Be cool. Be patient. Let all you've done work in time.

WAT

I am having a hard time today. I wonder if she is playing me for info on OM and what OMW know so she can tell/plan with OM. Could she be just playing me. COuld she be saying all of these "nice things" about the "future of us" and not mean it.

MELODY/WAT/Q please tell me it is normal (I may have asked already but need you to tell me again)that she is calm/starting to care one day and then BOOM shes has a mean tone or I dont care about you attitude. I mean she told me it was hard not talking to me for three days yet doesnt call me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I need reassurance this is typical.

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 07:56 AM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

It's not only typical, it's predictable. It's universal. I'm not a shrink, but this behavior seems rooted in their (the WS's) inner turmoil created by the contradictory feelings of euphoria, confusion, and guilt - with a hefty dose of denial thrown in. Re-read Rule #1. You cannot rationally process irrational behavior.

WAT

OK...But what about the good things she says....like the talk of getting back together and the what "ifs"...I mean to some extent that is true, right...I guess what I am saying is she uterly confused at what to do. I realize this is a good sign for me but do I only say the negative things she says are physco babble or is EVERYTHING she says untrue. Could it be that she is in a state of mind that allows her to somewhat tell me she wants back but at the same time uses negativity to tell me she is "Sitting on the fence".

OK>...I realy can not stand this. Wife called to ask what time I would have D home today and of course "us" got brought up...I think I did it this time but I am unsure at this point. Anyway she became very rude and basically said the alien thing "I do not love you, why do you want to be with someone who does not love you. She said she wants me to find someone who love me for me....blah blah blah,.....I realizze this is scripted psycho babble but it plain hurts....I thoug we were over that. I mean i even asked her "well what is all this talk about WHAT IF, and What that.....of course she changed the words around and I said what about you bringing up being a SAHM and she said that she has been thinking about that and said that she knows....You love me, you want me, you may more kids with me.....And I said if things work absoultely.....I would want another child, but not until I am sure about OUR FUTURE>....How the you know what can someone change faces more than a chameloeon (SP). I mean even afeter things calmed down I continued to say....well since D is home from G-mas...how about that walk downtown.....I was expecting her to be like "dont you get it I DO NOT LOVE YOU....but instead she says....It is supposed to snow tommorw its too cold.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I can not do this anymore.....she changed so many times in that conversation I almost puked becasue I was so f-ing dizzy....

SOMEONE PLEASE REASURE ME AGAIN>>>>>THIS IS COMMON AND THAT I AM MOT LOSING MY WIFE!!!!!

It is very common. Just calm down. Tomorrow she will be back on the other side. She is withdrawing from the OM and is having an inner struggle. The worst thing you can do is react to it when she acts like this. Don't get angry, don't argue with her. When she says she doesn't love you, just say "yes,I understand you don't." And leave it at that. Tomorrow she will be nice again. You haven't been pushing her again, have you?

No I have not been pushing her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Well I see son tommorrow for a few hours and then I technically do not have to talk to her again until I want to see kids again. I think I will go as long as I can and hope she calls first. Even then I will have a noncchanlant (sp) attitude. Tommorrow when I see her I will be very corgile and get in and get out.

Melody after re-reading some of your last few posts it sounds like you think they are not seeing each other. As much as it does not matter if they are, I am curious as to know what specificaly makes you think that. I mean I do not think I have indicated that, is it how she is acting. I think they are seeing each other still. I do think they are laying low until thier divorces are final. My W is affraid to be with him (specifiacally with son) cause I will use it against her for custody.

Melody...could you read my last post from last nite.

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

ATN, her behavior seems to be that of someone who is confused and vacillates between her H and the OM. That is why I thought she was withdrawing. Do you think they are still seeing each other and planning on getting together? Is this all an act on her part to get something from you?

I think she is like we said "sitting on the fence". I do no think there is anything I have that would cause her to act this way. I think that she does not know what she wants. Her mother agrees, but I know they are still talking. I do beleive my wife is worried that I have information to prove she was with him and my son while they were "together". But again I truley believe she is just confused and not sure what she wants. I can say that it is harder for them to get to gether. Remember they "work" togheter but he is in a different office 15 miles away and unless they are working on a case or he needs to go to the "main" federal court house they do NOT see each other during work. They either meet before/after work or at lunch. My W drops off son at daycare by 7:30-8 and picks him up romptly at 5:30. So if they are seeing each ohter my bet is during lunch. But again my wife knows that see could be followed or is being followed.

Not sure other than that. I know for sure they are talking.

ATN, either way, the plan needs to stay the same. A good solid Plan A that is designed to improve you will hopefully attract her. You have already succeeded in confusing her, which is a big step from where she was initially. If she stays on the fence too long, then we can discuss moving to Plan B. However, that is a LONG WAY off and you still have lots of work to do. You are doing good, just hang in there.

Another thing. Do you work out? I started working out when my last H left and it gave me enormous peace to get lost in a heavy duty work out session. It also did wonders for my figure and helped my mental outlook. Do you like to lift weights?

Yes actualy I go to gym 4 days a week. Right now I am just running/walking on treadmill 3 miles a day. When I started I could barlely to 1 mile. Once I get some of my major weight off I will lift.

I was just confused as if I implied they were breaking up. I wish, but like I said a few posts earlier, I am picking up son in about an hour and I will be corgile and not bring anything up. Same when I drop him off. Even if a small mircle happens where when I drop off son she asks me to watch that moive I will probably ask for a rain check. Then I will not contact her for as long as I withstand from seeing my kids....I am intisapating at least by wednesday.

Thanks

Sounds like a good plan with the wife. But why are you waiting to lift weights? It might build up muscle, but muscle will speed up your metabolism and help you burn calories. How much weight did you want to lose?

I would like to drop ~100 lbs. I quit smoking in 98 and have gained that over the last 3-4 years. I have lost about 50 lbs already. Anyway my son and I had a blast. We actualy visted all the grandparents today. When I dropped him off wife was somewhat kind. After little discussion, I asked her if she wanted to go to my D's school meeting together this thursday (she will be staring Middle School and this meeting help prepare the parents) and she said no. I said OKEEDOOKEE and said bye to my kids. As I was leaving my wife asked what me and my son did and I replied "Had Fun" and walked outfront door. My W for some reason called her M&D and asked them if they saw my son today and they replied why yes we did. And my wife got pissed and began to yell at them. She said alot of things but my MIL just let her get it out. Basically my wife asked why they never call her to see the kids and my MIL was like why do you not call us and does it realy matter, they got to see the kids PERIOD. She then whined to her mom on how now I am calling them mom nad dad and said I was tricking them.....I realy think my W needs help. She misses talking to her mom and dad but thier stance is they are not going to help her continue an affair that is jeopordizing thier grandchildrens future and me. My wife is feeeling left out right now and thats good. She needs to see that what she is doing isnt all that great. Its nice to see she gets her panties in a bunch when she is losing control of her emotions. I realy wish I could help her. I hope this realality check opens her eyes.

I LOVE HER.

Well were to begin...When saw me sunday (stopped by to play with kids) she of coure was nice than asked me if i went to church with her parents then all hell broke loose. She blamed me for taking away her parents from her. I immediatey laid into her and said the reason they are not speaking to you is because of what you have decided to do "you choose to sin" this is by now means my fault and no matter what you say or do I WILL CONTINUE TO BE THERE FOR YOU>>>>I LOVE YOU. She of course did the "I do not love you, why do you want to be with someone who does not love you". My reply....thats is ok if you do not love me....i however have vows to you and I love you....and will forever. Alot more happend and I ended up leaving on a bad note. He also called when I was there AT MY HOME....I had the feeling it was him so i said loudly...."if you want me to leave so you can talk to him I will" she shot a look at me and said "I ll call you back in a few"...I am letting her chill for a week. Her mom then stopped by and talked to her and they talked about alot of things....basically how my wife has sinned and until she is willing to work at her marrriage they (Her M&D) do not want anything to do with her. Sad, I know. Nothing changed when she left. However she did say when she was there....the OM called and MIL overheard part of the convo....nothing said but "are you okay"...YUCK...

More to come in a few....later tonite

ATN:

I'm out of town on vacation, and with this slow connection I can't read all you've writ.

But> What the hell are you doing???!!!

Stop it right now with the disrespectful judgements. They'll get you exactly NOTHING but postponing reconciliation. I know. I did the same stupid things you're doing now.

Doesn't matter a hill of beans if any of it's true, so I won't even acknowledge any of it. What does matter is whether you want your W to come out of the fog and rebuild your M or not. She has to do ALL of this on her own. You want her to come to you someday and say something like "let's get down to rebuilding", but you put that day off every time you get angry at her for what she's "doing." And her parents are no help at all, either. But they don't "know better", you DO.

So, do the week to chill thing, but realize that YOU need to chill, not her. (she may need to, but she's got to do it for herself, not for anyone else).

Hang in there, and just be careful, okay?
-Qfwfq

ditto Q

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Any Time Now...:
<strong>She blamed me for taking away her parents from her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The next time she says this, your reply should be: "I cannot change your parents anymore than I can change you, but I understand that you feel this way. I suggest you speak to them about this."

Another alternative is to stop associating so frequently with her parents. Each time she feels alienated from them (pun intended), she'll have you to blame. If you're not around them as much, it may eventually sink in to her that they're making their own decisions. Talk to her parents and alert them that she's blaming you for all this so that they can react appropriately when she has disagreements with them. In other words, separate this into two conflicts - one with you and one with them.

And of course, there's the fundamental, moral bottom line: do what you know is right and let the cards fall where they may - but DO NOT argue with her!!!!

WAT

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Ok...I think I understand. As far as the backing off with MIL. She know where her parents stand. They are not speaking with her becasue of her having an affair.

I am busy and will post more later....Thanks guys for the A$$ beating....I needed it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

ATN

Hey ATN,

Hope things are going better. I agree with Q and WAT and hope you take their advice. I have been out of town all week and am back now. Let me know how its going.