I have alot of question , Who else is dealing in same or simalar situation .

My hisband is still in contact with OW .I am wondering how many others are in same place .

Does the OP know WS is home ?
Why are they saying they still will not do N/C?

How long are you doing Plan A for already ?
Are you in PLANB ?

Hi! My WS. is in contact with the second OW, but he is gone, seperated in June last year. But won't make a decision. Says he knows he is going to have to but has to "love" the person he ends up with. I said you just have to start acting like it and it will grow. Also this OW doesn't know anything about his first affair or why we seperated or that we've been talking about getting back together. He knows she would dump him and is afraid so I don't know. I am just staying away as much as possible and praying, trying to be good to myself and make myself a better person.

I've been doing a good plan A since mid November which is when H told me he wanted out of our marriage. Affair has beeng going on since May...I found out in July.
He has talked to a lawyer but not filed and I think is waiting until our baby is born (due this May). He has been at home and we act as though things are ok...even sleep together, etc. OW believes that he has been sleeping in separate room.
He has said that he and OW want to see if they can have a future together and they actually have talked about plans to be together, so I think he has stayed with me because of the pregnancy and to not upset me. He never would do NC as he said he can't get her out of his mind. I also have asked if he is going to file and he says he doesn't know, so either he's trying to keep the peace until the baby is born, or really is undecided as to what he wants.

He just got a new job however and is moving two hours away from me, so this is going to be a chance for him to see if he does miss me I believe.

It's also a chance for him to talk to OW more since he'll have his own place...and see her more on weekends (she lives 7 hours away) so maybe it will help reality sink in and not be such a fantasy of secret hotel meetings.

I think living by himself will help him figure out what he wants...I can only hope it is me, but if not, then I guess this wasn't meant to be.

I have thought about plan B, but with the baby coming and him now moving I don't think that is a good idea. I think him living my himself and being a new dad soon is going to shake things up enough and I want to see what happens with these upcoming events.

Hi 3isacrowd - I am in a situation where my WH is still in contact w/OW, in fact he is living with her. He had promised me NC 8 times but went back to her after each promise. Once he even told her, over the phone, with me standing right next to him, that he "couldn't do this anymore, it's over". It didn't matter, he was back in contact with her the next day. Maybe the FOG needs to lift enough so that he and other WS can realize that the A has to end, NC must be established, and it won't be easy. I think my WH is waiting for the feelings he has for me to equal those he has for OW, but unless he works on it, it ain't gonna happen, just like DaybyDay says. We BS can't compete with the FOG and it's addictive chemicals.

My H and I haven't seen each other in 2003 - he left New Year's Eve 2002. I sent him a Plan B letter 2 weeks ago. He is supposed to be moving into his own apartment this weekend, hoping our grown kids will talk to him and end his "isolation" if he's not living with OW. We shall see....

The most important thing, also as DaybyDay said, is to keep working on yourself. That's all you have any control over, and it will help you keep your sanity. I really feel for HoldingMyBreath, it is enough of a life change to become a parent, let alone with the added stress of an A to deal with. You sound very grounded and philosophical about it, though, like you know you will be OK whatever happens. Please take care of yourself and your unborn baby! This is such a special time in your life! I love babies! Can't wait to be a grandmother someday!

LabLady

Hi!
I too am fighting the N/C issue. H had been living with OW up to 1 week ago. He has moved out and is living with his son at the present, however, he still goes to the bar where she works (or is there) every night anyway.

I asked him to please not go there, but he said he has to work this out his way. I don't see how anything can be worked out while he sees her every night, I just hope she contimues to LB or the fog starts to lift. Sometimes I think it is beginning to, then it rolls back in!

I am still mixed up about what I want to do about the whole thing!

Good luck!

Thanks so far for your responses , IN regards to GETTING this no contact I feel like I got a better chance of winning LOTTO WITH OUT PLAYING LOL .

I know every situation is differt , but thats what I wanted to no if the excuses are mostly the same .

ERR- like H saying he needs to work this out on his own or their own way .

I know cause H says same to me I working on it .
But I know seeing them at all just keeps that what ever there.
Weather it is there GUILT for what they did to OP , or the attraction I don't know .

Guess thats why they call it FOG , OR their quilt that they did this to someone else and now they are leaving them to go back to their wife .

AND their life will be ok and op life is lonely now without them .

These are some things I go through with my WH .
Its like he has guilt that he did this to OW , instead of guilt that he did it to me .

I want him to see her feelings as obsolete and walk away .

I think you are right about that guilt thing. H actually told me that he has to do this slowly because there were "feelings" involved here with OW (her feelings he was referrring to). He told me he really didn't have much in the way of feelings for her.

I asked him "what about MY feelings the day you walked out on me?" He said "I cared about your feelings too". I reminded him it didn't stop him from leaving though!!

I think they like the idea that someone else is "in love" with them!

My situation seems as frustrating as your's I guess. I found out about WW EA(PA???) in Jul 02. I am not sure when it started probably around Feb-March 02.

There has been one NC email that was sent to me and OM in august. He responded back to say he was stepping off. They continued to email and talk to each other for a while. Late Sep she told OM that they could be friends and that was it nothing more. I shouldn't have agreed to that.

I think that she meant it every time she said NC and I think she tried for a while but is now once again in contact with him. I am not really sure to what extent. I know that he is still with his fiance'. I do know that WW has never really let go of him emotionally.

Right now She is at home, we sleep in the same bed, but that is about it. There is no affection or emotional contact really. I believe that she would be gone if it was possible for her to pursue things with OM. I struggle with the idea of separation at the momentand at this point it is not something I am ready to do. Though I go back and forth on that one.

We are in counseling, have been in and out of it since Aug 02. Am I hopeful....yes. I know that she doesn't want to go through this painful rebuilding process with me when she could just be happy with OM.

I brought up the NC stuff last Wednesday, didn't really ge a response from her. I know that her feelings are still strong. Sometimes I want to try and convince myself that it is the idea of being in love that she is in love with but that might be denial on my part.

I am proud of my WW. She is struggling and has ahown strength and courage like I have never seen. I have been tempted to call OM just to see if there is something still going on. But I won't, I'll just remain tempted.

Bottom line....No active NC as of yet.

All this effort , on the part of the people who stayed faithful ? It just seems to be thats where the problem is . I am sure everyone thinks about that part , we are human . I know BS are to find ther way to except ther part in where the marriage was falling apart or what ever , but with all the emotions runnong around in our heads and not haveing a n/c given by WS its even harder to make sense of all of it .

I do think ERRN and myself tuoched on a point that WS feel more guilty about HURTING the other person because they may feel responsible for getting then inviolved in there confustion to begin with .

And they have a point , BUT>>>>>>>> the OP did go into it willingly I mean WS may have lied to them but they are lieing to there BS as well no morals to begin with .

How long before the guilt of what they did to BS kicks in I mean we are the ones they had the real commitment to , . It ammazes me that they feel more sorry for some stranger then the person they promised to love till death do you part .

d_rose- sound very down you need to pick your self up a bit don't get to depressed it don't help PLAN A

3isacrowd,

Your not the only one out there.
Yes, OW is still in our lives.

Over the last couple of wks I have come to the realization that she always will be.
I had to do some soul searching. Is this something that I could live with?

The answer...... No. I would rather be alone then have this constant pain.

I don't know what my future will bring.

He has to make the CHOICE to fight for our M

VB

3isa,
Maybe a little down. There has been so many times when things are so clear and I think "we are on our way" only to have that change a couple days or weeks later. We can almost taste it sometimes but just can't seem to shake OM long enough to get a good grip on things. Personally things have been easier to deal with for me. My IC is wonderful, good friends and family, including in-laws.

The A was a wake up call in my marriage(too late?) but more importantly it was a spiritual wake up call. God has been tappin' me on the shoulder for a long time and I didn't listen. So he looked around, saw a 2x4 and gave me a good whack in the back of the head.

I am not happy for the situation but I am happy for what I can now see because of it. I think that our M will heal dur in large part to our 5 year old daughter but if it doesn't, I'll be sad but you wont find me shriveled up in the corner dying either...I am quite the catch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

3isacrowd,

IMHO this virginiabean made the most important point:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has to make the CHOICE to fight for our M

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WS will go to NC or not when they are ready or not... and I think that is as it should be. Getting the WS to agree to NC if their heart is not in it means that it is less likely to succeed.

HTH

Me too. WW still doesn't want to leave job. It was really fulfilling for her and it's the school where our kids go to. In effort to please her, I agreed to let her remain on a 'trial' basis.

And yes, I'm stupid. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Friday I dropped off breakfast for her and OM walked out, didn't see me, smiled real big at her and started talking to her (I'll give her that it was about business). Knowing she was still dealing with him on a daily basis was hard enough, but seeing it put me over the edge.

Then that SOB turned around and actually said hello!! All I could do was hand my wife her bag, turn around and leave. I have no qualms about being physical with OM. Being in the school surrounded by children is what saved him from a severe beating that day.

But alas, I've decided to take a firmer stand. Today we're going to talk about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Zaed

Z- hope your talk goes well .

See this is what I mean , there are situations like this , why should your W leave a job in the perfect place where she is near her kids . But yet then there is still contact I mean it can be work only on her part , but isn't this problem everyone has with falling back into fog?

So do we have to move our lives all over the place?

Changing jobs? schools? when does it stop .
When do WS just grow up ?

Good luck and I guess if she could quit job she should.

And yes , I belive in a good butt kicken on OP.

He was luck kids around and all .
I wish H would tell the OW he is home and she called cause I would be all over that $lut