As many of you know I sent a plan B letter to my wife a couple of weeks ago and she responded with a letter telling me she wanted to put our family back together and that she loved me. She said she wanted to work things out but didn't know if she could just say goodbye to OM. After I read her letter I decided to go back to plan A and have been on it since. I have come to realize now that I will more than likely have to go back to plan B at some point. How do I go back to that after caving so quickly the first time? She told me that she didn't know how we could ever get back together if we didn't spend any time together and I thought this sounded reasonable at the time. That's another reason I decided to try plan A again. Now I see that she thinks she can work on her feelings for me while at the same time continuing what she's doing. I now know that it doesn't work that way but am not quite sure how to handle going back to plan B at this point.

Are you losing your love for our wife while in plan A .... or

Are you being overwhelmed by your "taker"?

Are you losing your self respect?

Are you depressed in plan A?

Are you wanting plan B because you feel foolish or angry? Or, because you are falling out of love?

What is your purpose of plan A? Was it a reward for your wife for being ambivilant? Was it an opportunity to work on your finer points of being an excellent husband, and demonstrating those to your wife?

I think you need to think and discuss this further.

Tell us more.

<small>[ February 22, 2003, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi Starman, I've read many of your posts and want you to know that you have handled yourself so well through this. You obviously love your wife and want your marriage back. It's hard to know exactly how to do it, though, isn't it? From reading the posts here I've gotten the impression that the idea is to stay in Plan A as long as some progress is being made and as long as you can stomach it. That way when you go to Plan B your W will remember the good changes you have made and believe there is a way to reconcile.

You have never actually left Plan A. You sent the Plan B letter but didn't implement it, so you're not really going back as much as enforcing Plan B when you decide the time is right. I would say to send the same letter, just update it saying that you tried but were getting nowhere.

Are you ready to leave Plan A? What evidence do you have that your W is stil in contact w/OM? Is she acting like she's going back and forth btwn the two of you? If she's sitting on the fence she could stay there for a long time. Your DDay was only 2 months ago, not very long (although it feels like a lifetime, doesn't it?) I can tell you that it gets easier to handle the daily ups and downs. You get stronger. Just make sure you take care of yourself.

Lablady

I came to the conclusion that I will eventually have to go back to plan B after reading SAA. I think my WW is acting very much like the worst case scenario that was described in the book although I don't know for sure. She doesn't talk about the other relationship much when she's with me. I am trying to stay a step ahead and plan for the worst just in case. I am doing much better in plan A now that I know I have a chance. For some reason that has made it so much easier. My WW came over today to celebrate our sons thirteenth birthday and we spent the whole day together. She was somewhat depressed and rather distant until about an hour before she left. She snapped out of it and we had a pretty good time until she left. She is still staying at the OM house but hinted again today that she may want to come back home. I don't read too much into this because she's been saying these things for a couple of weeks now. It was hard to stay upbeat for the whole day but I think I managed pretty well. When you're sort of depressed yourself it's hard to believe she enjoys herself much when she's here but overall I think the day went okay.

starman,

I am reminded that Steve Harley told you to do Plan B and I hope you follow through on his advice this time. Your W says you can't get back together unless you spend time together. Well, guess what? You can't even BEGIN to consider reconciliation until she ends her relationship with the OM. And as long as she can have you on the sidelines she has no motivation to end that relationship.

I would just tell her that you are following through on the statements in your previous letter and that when she ends the relationship with the OM and is serious committing to your marriage that you will consider it. Tell her you love her and wish her the best. And don't cave in the next time, starman, ok? Or she REALLY won't take you seriously at all.

Meeting her needs has never been the problem with your wife and continually trying Plan A is just a waste of time.

I had to laugh when I read your post Melody! Your straightforwardness (is that really one word?) is so cool. Yes Steve told me to go to plan B and I choked. The letter my WW wrote made me reconsider. I have talked to Steve since then and he wanted me to fax a copy of the letter to him, which I have done. When I read the letter myself I realize that you were right about it. She really does nothing to commit herself to our M and wonders only if I can really change to meet her needs. I do know that her most important EN were the ones that I wasn't meeting very well and I am having a hard time going to plan B without trying to show her that I can meet those needs if given the chance.

starman, sorry if I sounded harsh, I didn't mean to! I really do hope it works out ok for you. You deserve so much better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

sheeesh, I really do sound bossy in that post, don't I?!! I am sort of outraged at her behavior and the General Manager in me wants to move in and manage the business for you, starman. Sorry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Are you planning on talking to Steve again about this letter she wrote?

It should not be a problem going back to Plan B. Write another letter. This time stress that contact MUST be cut off from om. It is not negotiable. Keep it short & to the point. No blame, no groveling. Point out you love her & want it to work out but you cannot have any contact until she ends it with om.

If she replies and wants to talk about it, fine. It should be a very short conversation. If she says she doesn't know if she can stop contact with om, them tell her it is not negotiable. When she is willing to end it, then she can contact you.

thanks for the input Melody and Chris. Melody, I was not offended at all by your post. I think you give good advice and come across to me as a strong person but not bossy or harsh at all. Don't ever change!