An intelligent man once told me "Life is full of Choices." Little did he know was that I had already believed this. Matter of fact I think it was here........on MB that we both had learned this.

For the last 1yr & 1/2 both of us have instilled this into our children. We want them to learn this early on so that when they are adults and M they won't make the same mistakes that we have made.

I find it amazing that even though we know this and really believe it, we don't use it in our own lives.

I use to have such a clean home. I cleaned it 3 times a week. I had friends that were convinced that I had a cleaning service come in and do it. Anyone knows that being a W and Mother working outside the home is a lot of work. Yet, I made the CHOICE to do it.

A 1yr & 1/2 I have complained that our house is a disgrace. Dirty, dog hair everywhere, toilets not scrubbed and so on. I have made the CHOICE not to clean as often as I use to.

Over the last 6 months or so I have been depressd and what MB'ers would call withdrawl.
Knowing the MB principles I was able to recongnize this and make a CHOICE to change it.

I have been crying out to him.........communicating to him the pain that I have been in bc of the CHOICE he has made to keep the OW in our lives.....daily.

I made the CHOICE over a 1yr & 1/2 ago to forgive him to take that leap of faith and trust him completely. Is he the source of this pain? NO! she is. I have been treated like yesterdays dog ****, and have put up with it.......why?
Bc I so badly wanted to show him that I do love him and more importantly trust him and didn't want to "cause any problems." This has changed me. If I have a problem with someone I tell them. I have bitten my tongue more times. I haven't been true to my self and with him in "Complete & Total Honesty." So..........I have communicated this with him, what is his response? "I think I know what this is really about." He has used his past mistake as an excuse for the CHOICE of not handling the OW and her attitude in the work place. "I am the one with the attitude and can't forgive him for the past." What a bunch of BULL-****.

She has used this excuse as well. And it has worked well for her. When he has said something to her about her attitude she comes back with the same thing that he has said to me. "I think that I know what this is really about, she (W) doesn't like me bc of what happen in the past." Once again............ what a bunch of BULL-****.

A couple of wks ago I asked him to leave. He has made the CHOICE not to protect me from her giving me attitude and **** everyday. I had to take charge and protect my self, other wise I was going to explode. In asking him to leave(the business)I was able to get the OW out of my life and home.......but in doing so I got rid of the one person that I didn't want out of my life.
I made that CHOICE.

Once again is he the source of this pain? NO. But the CHOICES he has made is allowing, condoning, contributing to it.
Life is full of Choices.

I fell in love with a man that was so full of life........happy, funny, confident, he owned the world. Is he the same man today? No.........the CHOICES that I have made in our M have contributed to him changing.

In my attempt to keep communication open.......to make sure that he always knew how I felt, I have "beaten him down." I have made him feel useless, worthless and him felling that my self and the kids are better off with out him. This couldn't be farther from the truth.

He finally agreed to go to counseling. He will never really know how deeply that touched my heart, how much more I loved him, and felt for the first time in a long time like he loved me as well. In the MB ways he made an ENORMOUS deposit in my Love Bank. We had what I felt was a great session, I believe that this Doc can put us back on track. More importantly help give us the foundation we truly need.

We left and went to lunch. Had a wonderful lunch talked and laughed. We haven't done that in a while.

I felt and believed that this was the start of "Our New Life." That he understood and was making the CHOICE to court me, wine & dine me, start at the begining of dating to build our foundation. Something that we really hadn't done.

He asked me if I wanted him to continue working on the remodeling of Our Home. I told him no. I need to know that he is really ready to make the CHOICES to change our relatinship. Going to counseling was the start.

That evening he faxed me a letter. Stating that "He is giving up." He thought that "He had found the right one." But "bc of his past mistake it is still following him today." WHAT?
He has made a CHOICE for it to follow him, I haven't done that.

Why is it that a man that could have everything he dreamed about become a reality. Have a women that loves him with everything that she is, a women that is a W, Friend, Companion, Lover, Mother, Loyal, Honest, Caring, Giving, that would do anything in her power to make him happy. How could a man make a CHOICE to "Give Up" before he really even started if in fact he "Found the right one."

Life if full of Choices.

This will always be Our Home. I will always love him. My heart will always belong to him. He told me that "my self and the kids were better off without him." Shouldn't I be the one to determine that? He is a wonderful Man, so giving and willing to help around the house, I couldn't ask for a better H.

Why would a man make a CHOICE not to have everything he has dreamed of?

He knows how I feel, he knows I think that he is worth the fight. Why doesn't he?

He knows that if he needs help with something, I will always be there for him. All he has to do is ask.

We have another session set up with the Doc next week. I told him that I am still going.

The CHOICE is his to still go.

Life is full of Choices.

I just don't understand.

Why?

Anyone?

Cause your husband has not fully made a committment to working on your marriage. Your husband is still in the deep, mucky, sticky, body sinking FFOOOGGGG>>!!!! He has you under his fingers, and you will bend over backwards, to get him to feel about you like he thinks he feels about the otherwoman. One day he will realize that what he felt for the otherwoman was bullcrap. It was fantansy, euphoria. When it comes down to the real life situations, you are the one who handled it all.

I am lonely for my husband too. But he has made his decision to act in a way that is not caring for me. That is his decision. I act according to what I feel in my heart. He leaves, it is his loss.

I know that you are a good wife, a good woman, a good mother. You seem to be a very affectionate person, and can feel empathy towards others.

As far as not cleaning your house, it is depression. Have you gone to the Dr. to get on medication? I was totally on Zoloft, but now I am only taking 50mg. of Zoloft, and 10mg. of another new antidepressant.

I don't know what I would do without my anti-d's.

The day you two had together and had lunch and laughed, was good. But your husband might have seen it as a interference with the other woman. How could he dare have fun with you, the mother of his children. But you did have fun, enjoy the good days. Hopefully, your husband will continue on with the counseling. That is the only source of real committment. You need a 3rd person to work on both of you and your needs.

Good luck. I would say, he has made his choice, which is not good. And one day he will have to pay for his choice. But pray for him, and pray for your marriage.

Faith4Me,

Thanks for the response.

Let me just clarify something. Both of us were M before, the children are from my 1st M.

Even thou he isn't the children's "real" dad I feel as thou he is. He has been a better "Daddy" then the real one.

The children miss him as well.

He isn't "involved" with the OW hasn't been over the last 1yr & 1/2. What is difficult thou is the fact that they have continued the "friendship". They are still "Buds".

He is her Boss. How can he fire a Bud?

That is affecting the Business. He can't seperate Business from personal.

It is up to him. He has the CHOICE to do what is right.

Yes. I did go to the Doc, got back on Prozac
(was on it before when going throu my D)

But all the Prozac in the world won't make the "problems" go away. God knows I wish it would.

I hope that he does keep his apt with the counselor.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

<small>[ February 22, 2003, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: VIRGINABEAN1122 ]</small>

My H left Christmas night to be with his OW and I am hurt so bad by this. I used to always have a clean house, but now it is a mess. I have no desire to do the things I used to do. I am negleting so much, my kids, my house, myself. My 1st priotary should be my children, then myself and then whatever else I have to do. My bills were always paid on time, now they are late, because I don't have it in me to do anything. I feel as though if I don't go out on the weekends I am missing something.

Goldielocks,

I am so sorry to hear that.
I do have to say in my H defense. He didn't leave to "Go be w/OW", he left bc I told him to.
They are not "involved" but have kept the friendship.

He is her Boss and she is a terrible employee.
He can't seperate Business from personal.

Even thou the situations are a bit different the emotions are all to familar.

It seems that not cleaning, bills being paid late not taking care of ourselves and the children is a very common thing among all of us.

It is a constent circle. Bc of our behavior our H have changed and Bc our H behavior they have changed and so the circle continues.

That's why MB principles are so powerful.

We have to work on ourselves. To be able to recognize this and try to recapture the person we once were. But in the same turn our SP has to do the same thing.

It is so sad. I feel for and am sorry you are going throu this. If it helps at all. Just know that you aren't the only one out there.

Take care,

VB

You said: "My heart will always belong to him."

This TOO is a choice you're making!

Why not reclaim your own heart .... you could make the necessary repairs on your heart if it belonged to YOU! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Choose to own your heart again. He is not responsible for "fixing" your heart ... that's your job.

Read my thread "Angry Wives and Passive Husbands".

Pepperband,

You are absolutely right.
I have read that post and was actually going to respond to it.

I have taken back my life. It is kind of weird for the fact that I feel better about my self, back to my "normal self" then ever before, yet at the same time sad that he isn't here.

As regard to the "Heart" thing. I meant it more as. No matter what happens, if we are not together any longer and "single" again. I will not date,I'm done. He was/IS the one Just like your quote BC I Choose him to be.

Thank you,

VB

VB ~~~~ Do you wonder if your H ever feels he cannot bear the burden of your love? He feels unworthy of owning your heart? He feels he cannot trust himself with so tender an object?

Just cuious .... these self-destructive adults scare me ... see my convo with Susan about my son!

Pepperband,

Absolutely! I do agree w/you.

We have talked about this.
Several yrs ago he put everything into his "Business" a part of him feels he lost his W (she had an affair)bc of it,he found MB but to no avail ended in D. A part of him blames the Business so now to the present both of us feel he is "trying to have the business fail bc he dosen't feel he doesn't deserve it.

Not in so many words but feels the same way about our M. He doesn't feel worthy of having such Happiness.

It is really sad. I can't change his thoughts/feelings on this. I can only change me.
Get my self back. And be a better Parent then what I have been.

Your post and responses are always such a help!
Thanks,

VB