WS still not off fence, well as far as I know, no other woman, but still not acting like the family man... I used to think he at least wanted to be...e xcept for the drinking. SO SO angry at him, and even starting to think there is no hope. Feeling better about moving on if I have to alone, yet grieving what is lost.

I feel like b/c of the kids and the depth of love I have had for this man... I can never have it again. I know it is not true... but I didn't want a step family.... if I do end up divorced and remarried one day.

I want my family together and ahppy. Ws can't do what a h should do right now, and a big part of it is the financial, and so I feel alittle bad.... he won't even do the other things.....

I think he is lying about his income, but I could be wrong? but I doubt it, this makes me STEAMING mad, and no t wanting to reconcile.

There is much much more, but I am so angry/ and emotional right now over his lack of committment or een concern over what he has done to me and the boys.

Overwhelmed by the responsibilities of single motherhood. I am mad that I am working 50-60 hrs and week and still don't have enough time or money... and that he doesn't seem to care... says the boys are better off this way b/c I am not a good wife and we just don't get along...

Well gee, is that b/c you didn't work steadily / help with the home/ or be committed enough to what is best for the family- not what is best for YOU???/ Ws?

Sorry vent vent. Just starting to think he may never get it.

Thanks for listening, H

Hang in there and stay strong. I am trying to live by my own advice but its not working for me either.
I am in the same boat as you are. I want "MY" family back and dont really want to be a step parent or my boys to be raised by a step father. I just wish my W would pull her head out of the fog she is in.
So just take it one step at a time and be thankful for all these wonderful people helping us out in a time of need.
Danny

I hear you Honey! ((((((((( Honey ))))))))

I'm feeling similar to you... only I don't have the anger anymore. It's more of a depression for me. I am just so sad. There's no better word to describe it than that. SAD. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I think that part of my problem is mourning so much of the what could have been and should have been in my M. I have little mourning for the what was... usually.

This week has been different. I've been thinking about the way things were, when we first met. Now, I can think that the base of it was all a farce then too (sigh!), but there were still some good times that we had.

I know you're just venting... but keep in mind, that you're vent about a lot of unknowns to you. You are making assumptions (I know they're valid, b/c they're based on past experiences with your H, and his patterns continue to repeat). It could be wasting a lot of valuable energy. (not that I know of how else to direct it when all you need to do is vent! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

You will be fine Honey, no matter what the outcome of your M with Jim is. You know that, don't you??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I know that you don't WANT to do it alone, and/or with someone other than Jim, but you do deserve so much more than what you've got right now, and what you've been given (from H)for such a long time too.

How are your views regarding moving to plan B? Have you made any preparations, should you need to go there?

Karen

Thanks so much Sandcrab and Topie for your heartfelt replies... also another Mber even phoned! You guys are great aren't you.

I did sit here and cry a bit today, maybe it was the fact that I watched Unfaithful for the second time- I rented it... I think this time watching it helped make me sad... the first time, i think I even saw it as hopeful .. that the WS and the BS were able to be together and love again, despite the tragedy.. I am not at all making light of the tragedy in the drama.... but I was glad to see a somewhat hopeful ending...

I am just afraid I am stupid to even hope. Funny I start to think that , when things are actually looking much better than ever- well during this last 18 months. The fact that ws has been in counseling with me for over 2 months is a Godsend, that means prob. around 9 or so appointments.

He can't seem to see what he needs to do though, and that is getting to me.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Here I go blaiming him! UGH. I don't want to put the onus on him or anything like that, at least I hope not! But I am just afraid he won't change. He won't be that family man I thought I married, b/c of the drinking and his lifestyle ideas.. and the way he is now accumtomed to living... life is a party.

The drinking has maybe calmed some, but I have seen him drunk a couple of times recently and
been very dissapointed in him.. even slightly disguisted. It is hard to watch someone destroy what you could have... a family.. sometimes without them even knowing what they do.

I feel like I am dealing with a child, a teenager gone awry... or is it an alcoholic... Boy, I might need a second alanon mting today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just saw in the movie Unfaithful, a husband like one I want.. in the aspects that he dearly loved his wife, provided for her and cared about her and her well being. He also worked hard so that they could have a nice life.

Now- that i want. I am sick of being the breadwinner... now I know that was a movie... and I might not have as much materialistally as in that movie.... if ever.... but I am not saying I have to.. Just a man who cares about paying the bills and what kind of life his family has...

I am sick of WS's childish behavior. Seriously.

I am angry now= about time? Maybe b/c it is saver now that he is expressing some love and desire for me, it is ok now for me to be mad!?

I don't know, but it does seem to push him away when I express it... not drive him towards me.

I had belief in him when we married, that he would become more as he matured - I do see some of that... but not what I had in mind??? But it is his life, but the dreamed we talked of, haven't happened, nor are they... and he just acts like it is all my fault.

Sorry, for the long vent and expression.. it does hlep to type it out.

I miss our love, that was once wonderful, or so I thought!?

But we always had some hard times... but I didn't mind, as long as we were there for each other.

This lack of committment and uncertainty he is making me live with... the maybe we can work it out thing... it does get old. Also that he puts so much of it on me and does not take responsibility for what he has done.

I guess I am nearing losing love at least for now.

I hate that.

I am drawing boundaries, and I do think I have to continue. ... b/c he is not respecting me, and it makes me lose more and more love.

Little bits of respect and love, are like the crumbs counselors talk of that an abuser throws out... I am just starting to feel like that is all I will ever get with this man.

Thanks for even reading... sorry I am still so blue.

HOney