I admit, when I broke off the A with OM, I wanted to be with him. I was "in love" with him. I really did not feel like I loved my H with the same love as I did OM.

For the days and months after the A, as I struggled with my loss of OM, I really did just say I love you because it seemed like the thing to do. I did love my H, but when I said it it felt so wrong and awkward to say it because I knew my love did not match his for me.

So d day was mos ago, although sometimes its like it was yesterday. And while thoughts of OM still creep into my mind, against my will I assure you I wish i could never think of him again, I find my self truely connected to my H, like before, maybe even better then before.

I find myself thinking of the A now in a more painful light. WHile I was 'hurt' the day that I confessed to him, now the pain that I feel for betraying him like that is almost overwhelming at times.Its hard to bare.When I dwell on it I have to choke down vomit and bile . It hurts me in ways I never imagined, and makes the emotions I felt at d day a walk in the park. Sometimes i have night mares remembering what he said that night, he just kept saying "no Hol, NO!" God he said that over and over and over again.

After we make love, I find myself crying and staring off into space thinking "WHAT WAS I THINKING???!?!?!" to take something so beautful, so speacial , so private and so *US* and taint it with what I did. I ruined it, I ruined everything. No more story book ending. No more and they lived happily everafter.

Each time we make love it gets worse and worse. Because I love him more and more. Before I was sorry, sorry because I loved him because he was my H. I was sorry because no person should have to go thru what he did. Now I am sorry because I can't believe I did what I did to this glorious man that I love with all my heart and soul.

((((((((euphoria)))))))))

I am so sorry that you are feeling such tremendous guilt. Just remember that we are here for you and care about you, your H, and your family. You are not alone.

dear euphoria, it is not about the mistake but what do you do to fix it. You have a responsibilities to ammend your H with all your heart and mind ... about your OM's shadow, pray to for the grace of the Lord to shine upon you, you know that HE gave HIS only SON to us to clean our sin ... all we need is kneel down and ask for it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . How to fight evil ? ... by doing good ... I would memorize several scripts about forgiveness and rehearsh it when you start having a dark tought. IT IS NOT ABOUT HOW DEEP YOUR LOVE VERSUS H's LOVE ... IT IS ABOUT HOW YOU HAD FAILED TO PROTECT IT. Please get medication and counseling on this, don't let it linger and become a fatal mistake again for your M. You are the luckiest woman with your H stand by you, show your love for him with your soul and mind and not with sad and sorrow.

Have you talk about it with your H ? ... have you wonder that H might think that his love is not enough to make you happy ?

Lord, I praise you for your work, Lord, on this family and gave this family a second chance to life the happy marriage. Lord, may you give a wisdom for this lady to understand that you have forgave her A even before she comitt it, may you lead her to live as a wise wife as in Proverb 31, may you give her the courage to walk the path that you has lay down for her and her family. We know, Lord, miracle is for the one who seek it and for the glory of Your Name. Amen

-rh-

euphoria,

I feel an increasing amount of guilt as well. I find myself hurting more and more as time goes on. On d-day, and in the weeks that followed, I was still completely stuck on myself, and how I had ruined my life. As the months wear on (it's been 8.5 months), the reality of how much I've hurt my H has hit me harder and harder. Just as you say, taking "something so beautful, so speacial , so private and so *US* and taint it with what I did. I ruined it, I ruined everything. No more story book ending. No more and they lived happily everafter." My H is a completely different person in so many ways because of my selfishness.

If I'd just said no, gotten up, walked away.....things would be so different. But now I've forever destroyed the part of my H that trusts. I've forever destroyed our specialness as a couple. I've shared something with another man that I had only shared with my H prior to that hurtful event. God only knows if we'll ever be able to return to being a couple again.

"Now I am sorry because I can't believe I did what I did to this glorious man that I love with all my heart and soul." Exactly, euphoria, exactly.

I wish I could say more to comfort you, but I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same pain. Hold your H tight, tell him you love him, and keep making love to him. Thankfully he has forgiven you and you are with him now. Keep that in mind, and don't dwell on your mistakes. You have acknowledged them. You've apologized to your H. You are still together, which is more than some of us can say.

Take care,

Jen

I too had an A and I regret what I did, but my H can not and I don't think will not ever forgive me. I realize how much my H loved me and how much I love my H and no problems we had in the past is an answer for the A. I should have confronted my H and I wish I never did what I did. I would love to back in time and change what I did. I want my family and I love and loved being married. No other man can ever replace my H. Now he is living with his OW and he is so confused he does not know what he wants. My H told me that the sex is not the same as being with me. And I hope that is a good sign about us getting back together and I hope he is telling me the truth. But love is not all about the sex it is how you feel about a person and the sex part should not matter am I right? Sorry if I am getting off the subject. But that made me feel good and think wow maybe we do have a chance still and I will wait for as long as it takes to get my H back. I never knew how much he really loved me, but I continued to hurt him. Then he told me that a her 1 friend is a cop and that tomorrow morning if I call and say anything bad to her (she calls me also), and when I call my H about the kids she always gets on the phone and starts with me and I think she purposly does it to test me that she can press in a number and have the phone call taped. At least he warned me so I will not call for any reason not even for the kids. I don't trust her and then when she want info out of me she pretends to be my friend, because I know she is very jealous of me. I think she is driving my H away from her and I think it is only time that he will see that and come back home to his family. I made mistakes and I will always regret it and feel sorry for what I did, but now I have to realize he is living with another woman and that is not right when you are married. I have learned from my mistakes and I am looking to God more than ever. I just wish I can turn back the hands of time and be normal again. I love being a mother and I love being a wife and I hope I can be both in the future with my kids and my H again. I am feeling better about my self, but I do have some bad days that I hurt everyone that I love.

Threadjack...sorry!

Goldielocks...do I have this correct...Whenever you call your H, OW gets on the phone to have a conversation with you? And she calls you?

Why are you talking to her at all, besides if she answers the phone when you call to ask for your H? Why do you let her have a chance to push any of your buttons? Do NOT engage in conversations with her!!! You do NOT want her as part of your life...don't invite her in. Yes, your H has invited her into his life, but as long as she doesn't have any standing as a step-parent and your H is still married to you...not her, she should be shut out. Calmly and completely. I'm not saying be mean, rude or anything else...just don't talk to her! jmho

I'm really sorry for your guilt euphoria. It comes through loud and clear in your post. I wonder if most WS end up with this kind of guilt sooner or later. I worry that my WW is going to come out of the fog one day and be in the same kind of shape some of the posters here are in. It worries me that she will wake up too late to the damage she is causing our family and how hard it will be to handle at that point. You are obviously a good person who just made a bad mistake. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Easier said than done I know but if I was your husband and had forgiven you the way he seems to have I would not consider our marriage ruined at all. It would be a painful thing to get over but just knowing that you loved me enough to feel the way you do would make things a lot easier. Try to remember that when your with him.

If I call her house about the kids she says she is not getting my H on the phone and tells me to give her the info so she can tell him. I know she is highly jealous of me. She won't even let him have his cell phone she told me have the kids call themselves, and I told her my 2 younger kids don't even know that he is living with her and she said yes they do and they don't. My older daughter who is 19 knows and when she calls my H the OW always has to tell her things, like I just want to make your dad happy and goes on about her kids which I don't think she has no right to tell my daughter.
And about my H that he forgave me I don't think he did or he wouldn't be with his girlfriend. He knows I love him, but he is afraid I will hurt him again.

Euphoria,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep in mind what Redhat said,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are the luckiest woman with your H stand by you, show your love for him with your soul and mind and not with sad and sorrow.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is so right. Your husband is with you, he forgives you and love you. In time I'm sure the guilt will subside a bit, but it will probably always be there a bit. That is because you are a caring person with a conscience.

Wish my exH could forgive me, and consider a reconciliation for my infidelity. PLEASE remember Redhat's words. Be grateful your husband still WANTS you.

Take care,
H_P

Goldie , I really hope you arnt giving OW details on your kids to pass onto your husband.

That puts her in a position of control.She has no right involving herself with your personal deatils regarding you and your husbands kids.

If she will not hand the phone over to him....Simply( but sternly) ask her for your husband to call you back, as it's important you speak to him regarding family matters.Then place the handset down.

Detail what time and date you called, for future reference incase your husband( who I might suspect may miss a few messages)will know that you have indeed made contact regarding your children.

I do wish you well.

No I do not give her info on her kids. I told her I wanted to tell him myself and she insisted that I tell her and I said no. My H did end up calling me back. She is one nasty person and I can see why she doesn't want or have her 3 kids.

Euphoria,
Thank you for this, I believe this is exactly how
my WH is feeling. The guilt is overwhelming. He is very confused and cannot be affectionate with me. He does not feel that it is in his heart anymore, although he has come and gone and come
back always on his own, wanting to work it out. I
think he feels that I have been to understanding,
which I have. Maybe he is looking for punishment.

Euphoria,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No more story book ending. No more and they lived happily everafter.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WRONG!!!!!!

"As our story closes, we see 2 people in love and having overcome bad decisions and misery, who have chosen to be together and live out their lives in newfound strength, hope, forgiveness, and commitment...and they lived happily ever after."

You can keep your life a ruin, but it is better not to.

Wow while I hate to see your pain as a BS it helps to understand what my wife is going thru. My case is rather unique and I don't want to threadjake still it helps to see the WS does indeed suffer at least on the same or close level as the BS minus the obvious rage the BS experiences.

Dear Euphoria,

I am sorry for your pain. I can see it on my husband's face all the time. I pray that he will be able to forgive himself. I love him so much and I just want him to come back to me fully.

Forgivness is there for him to take (God's and mine). He just needs to claim it. It sounds like that is what you need to do also. I love RedHat's suggestion of claiming scripture verses that speak to God's complete forgiveness.

Micah 7:

18 Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.
19 You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.
20 You will be true to Jacob, and show mercy to Abraham, as you pledged on oath to our fathers in days long ago.

We have all sinned, we have all fallen from glory. You are no different than any of the rest of us. Your sin was infidelity, as was my H's. Mine was different, but sin none-the-less and equally as repugnant to God. When you dwell in guilt and refuse to claim and own the forgiveness you have been given through God's Own Grace, you let the enemy win. If God in his goodness can forgive you, you are free to forgive yourself. (It might even be a sin of pride to not claim that Grace.)

When I am wallowing in the world, struggling and feeling bad about myself, I like to read Colossians 3, New International Version

1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.
2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

If I were you, I would print out this thread and give it to your husband. He deserves to know what you think and feel. It is part of the POJA to be this open to each other. What man or woman wouldn't be blown away by what you wrote here?

I wish you God's peace, his own Shalom, which implies wholeness.

Blessings,
MJ

silly thing to say, but I wish I was in your place! look, I think you're doing absolutely fine. of course, the guilt thing comes once in a while, but that's only natural, right? I think you can be damned proud of yourself, having gone so far. And damn proud of your H. And he should be proud of you. You're doing the right thing.

Euphoria,
I am so glad that you posted this message because I am in the same place. I could never express how much pain I am in with words. Words seems to dilute the feelings, and I am not very good at even writting them down. You said exactly how I feel. How could I have done this. WHAT WAS I THINKING?? How could I have hurt the man who loves me with his whole heart and soul. Who gave both to me and I stomped on them. I too have to choke back the vomit and most of the time I am on the verge of tears, breaking down at any given moment, at the grocery store, driving down the road, watching tv. I stare out the window in a daze too, just bewildered by my actions. How could this be ME!!! My H has always been my whole world. Ever since the first time I saw him. All I ever wanted was HIM and to make him happy, to be a good wife and mother. For the rest of our lives. I REALLY did take our wedding vows seriously, knowing that I would be true to him. NEVER did I think that I would WANT to do such a thing!!! HOW THEN, DID I DO THIS???? I worry all of the time that all of the pain is going thru will be too much and he will change his mind and divorce me. I certainly don't derserve his love anymore. I'm not sure I even deserve to be alive sometimes. I just want to go back in time and change EVERYTHING. I want back what we used to have before I screwed it all up. Before I changed his love for me forever. I have to live with the fact that I tainted this marraige and the way he feels about me. He will never look at me the same again. No more unconditional love, no more trust, no longer his soul mate. The pain I have caused is SO DEEP and SO RAW, THAT HE WILL NEVER FEEL TRUE LOVE FOR ME AGAIN. I pray that we can get back some of the magic but I know that it is forever changed. I am so very grateful that he has given me a second chance. I see some of the people who have responded arn't as lucky, so I am thankful for that. I love my H with all my heart. I aways have. I just lost sight of it, something I will NEVER do again.
I hope that you will read this post and realize that I can feel every bit of your pain because it is mine too.

I am sorry for your guilt Euphoria. I can only suggest you get some counseling to help yourself. If he loves you you're in a good place try to appreciate it.
I pray that my WW never suffers the pain you seem to be in, no one should. I just hope she comes back to my love and loves me 1/2 as much as you love your H. I miss her so and we're still in the same house.

AlwaysHis & Euphoria

While I cannot speak for each of your husbands I can assure you that if either of you were my wife I would be estatic with joy just to have you back.

If my wife ever reaches the stage that you 2 are I can assure you that I would simply want to hold her and tell you everything is OK. I do love her and that yes I can forgive her.

Rmember RedHats words and prayers. Forgivness is a gift for you from God. He forgave each of you and requires us to first fogive ourselves and then to forgive others just as Christ forgave us.

Can he look at you as none of this has happened. I have not walked in those shoes yet but I can assure you that I love my wife unconditionly. Even in the midst of all this garbage we are in I choose to trust her because God trust me. I choose to love her because God first loved me.

Just remember that God does love you and if each of you and your spouses choose to follow Him then yes, a bright future is indeed headed your way.

Praying for God's blessings for each of your families.

<small>[ February 26, 2003, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: Trusting Her ]</small>

AlwaysHis & Euphoria -

First of all, you chose an apt name, euphoria, for a WS. Maybe now, since your euphoria is obviously gone and you are growing by leaps and bounds, a new name may be appropriate. How about "enlightened" or "euphoria no more"? AlwaysHis is ahead of you on this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you both for your candor. It is priceless to everyone reading your words.

I don't have a suggestion for either of you other than to stay the course. Borrowing from Trusting Her, I can assure you that many BSs here would KILL to have a WS like you. I look forward to the day when my XW experiences your revelation and we can be friends again.

OK, I do have one suggestion. I urge you to participate on this forum and help others - both BSs and WSs. Your insight can be invaluable. In addition, I'll bet that the act of helping others can enhance your self worth and thus, promote your recovery. By helping others, you'll practice the mind exercises necessary to help resolve your own emotions, perhaps. Sorta like an out-of-body experience (how's THAT for "alien speak"?) that allows you to exercise your feelings vicariously through your friends here. Just a thought.