Trusting Her and worthatry,
Thank you both for your replies. I have read every word both of you have said at least 3 times, soaking in every bit of advice and your amazing ability to forgive. I will replay these words over and over in my head and before I go to sleep every night. I know that it is important to forgive myself but in some ways I think I hang on to all of the guilt becuase I don't deserve to be free of it. It is my punishment. Will I ever feel like I deserve to be free?? I hope and pray that one day I will. I know that God will forgive me, but can I forgive myself??
Every couple that I see, I compare our marriage to theirs. I can't even watch tv without thinking "Monica wouldn't do this to Chandler" .
I want to go back to the innocence that was once ours. To the time when my H would suprise me with little notes on my windsheild,when he bought me THE MOST comfy slippers for my hospital stay when our daughter was born, the way he looked at me after she was born, how much he REALLY loved me then. EVERY thing reminds me of the way it used to be, not so long ago.........
OKay, I can't hardly see the computer moniter for the tears. I cry so much I don't even bother with eye make up anymore. My 18 month old daughter knows exactly what a Kleenex is for... She sees me with one all of the time.
I will continue to read and post and hopefully, someday I will be the one to offer advice and help others who are living this H*ll. I only wish I could have had all of this insight before I did what I did....
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart,
AwaysHis

first I want to thank everyone that replied. Sometimes it just feels so good to let it out. WHile I do share things like this with H, I am afraid if I really open up it might still hurt me( ie I think it would hurt him alot to know I still think of OM). I would never lie to him if he asked, but I won't mention it either, I guess I feel that is my cross to bare on my own.

Always his, thats how it is isn't? Too much to bare this thing we did , this violation of a sacrement. I am a good person with high morals, I ask myself how did this happen??!?!Oh no I am getting choked up again and I was not wanting to cry LOL.

thanks for all your kind words really. I have always found great support and advice here. I still remember my very first post asking about whether I should confess the PA, after the EA.Everything is said honestly and with so much hope, it really lifts me up and again i thank you all for that!

I just want to say I love my H, I was just thinking about him and I had this urge to just tell you all that again , that I love this man with all my heart and soul and thank god I now have the rest of my life to make it right with him:) Its going to be one hell of a trip:D

worthatry: about my handle Euphoria..... Euphoria means a feeling of great happiness or well-being. H gave me that nickname when he met me when i was 16.Its whats engraved on his wedding ring.So it has special .. and GOOD conotations to it and I won't be changing it anytime in the future.

always his, I do as well feel the need to be punished for what I did. And I know some of the guilt I feel is be wanting to punish myself. I am not ready to let go of that yet and its good because it reminds me of what an A can do to you.

I see your DD is not that long ago. You must be still dealing with the initial shock of the A and the NC with OM and the pain of your H.> I understand the raw pain you are in. Even though i have bad days like when i posted, it does get better, honest. Even though the pain at times gets WORSE, the good days get even BETTER. So please keep that in mind.

best wishes to us all.....

euphoria...

i love your name...

i’m just a wife now but i was the wayward one... we’ve been in recovery for just about a year now... i can definitely empathize with you... yes, the guilt can be overwhelming... it does get better... some time around the nine month mark just learning convinced me to put guilt aside and move on to remorse... i know that it’s easier said than done but try not to get stuck in guilt...

just recently twyla gave me a light bulb moment... she got me to realize that at some point i really do need to leave the affair in the past and focus on the future... not forget it, but stop bring it down off the shelf and placing it on the examination table... let it sit there on the shelf and collect dust... why i can even see getting tired of it some day and regulating it to a back room or a box in the closet...

a truly happy committed marriage is the goal... keep striving for it...

oaktown...

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>

Euphoria,
The only thing I feel about the OM is anger. I don't think about him unless I am thinking that I want him to suffer too. He was only using me. I now know I am not the first he has done this with. I know he has broken up a marraige (secretly still seeing this girl-nobody knows that HE is the reason she is getting a divorce) so he sits there without any repercussions. I doubt he even feels guilty for any of it. He KNEW I was married when he made the first move (e-mail) I am not saying it was all his fault (I take full responsibility for MY actions) but if he hadn't made that first move, I wouldn't be in this situation. I know that I could have and should have ignored his advances. He is just a opportunist looking for another "secret" afair. I think he gets a rush from it. an addiction. I hate the man, no feeling of lose for me when it comes to the OM.

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. It helps to know that there IS light to be seen. I wonder when the good days will out number the bad?
Thanks again,

AlwaysHis

AlwaysHis--

I know that God will forgive me, but can I forgive myself??

Have you asked for fogivness? Your statement of "I know that God will" leads me to believe that you have not asked or reached that point.

Prehaps a few remiinders to boost your spirits:

1 Corinthians 15:3
For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance; that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures

Galatians 1:4
who gave himself for our sins to rescue us from the present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father

1 Peter 2:24
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us fron all unrighteousness.

1 John 2:2
He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

So you already know all of this and wonder how to apply it to your life today. Well.....He has that covered too.

First

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow. for tomorrow will worry about its own things. sufficient for the day is its on trouble.

See, tomorrow is already taken care of because it really does not exist. It never gets here. So all we have to really do is take care of today.

Today, do the following.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's wills is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguements and every pretnsion that sets itself up agains the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I know, a lot of verses and what does all of this have to do with me and forgiveness. Did you know that almost 40% of Paul's writings make reference to the renewing and control of the mind. This is what controls and impacts our hearts. Close the doors to all of those other thoughts that tell you anything negative about yourself. If you have asked for forgiveness God has given it.

Somewhere I responded to a question/statement that MrBC made, I hope I can find it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">trusting her

Thank you, "cometh the hour, cometh the man". These were sweet words to my soul, because these are my principles and beliefs. I do feel that satan has attacked our family, first through my w and then through me in this horrible recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What imperfection are you refering to? Our perfection is only made through Christ. It is because of his forgivness that we can be made perfect. Does this come in this world or the new world? I believe if I truly forgave my wife then in the eyes of Christ she is prefect again. So I would agree that Satan is quite possibly trying to derail your recovery. That is his purpose in life. Ask yourself if your thoughts are from Him or from Satan. I know that Satan has a huge way if imposing on my thoughts and I have to sometimes remind myself that Yes, Christ did forgive me. And with that forgivness the sin was totally blocked from His memory and thrown away. As my daughter often tells me, "Daddy, God took my sins and threw them in the deepest ocean and then He put up a sign that said "No Fishing".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you especially for this. I have the knowledge of faith, but applying it in adversity is proving a little harder </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to go back to the innocence that was once ours. To the time when my H would suprise me with little notes on my windsheild,when he bought me THE MOST comfy slippers for my hospital stay when our daughter was born, the way he looked at me after she was born, how much he REALLY loved me then. EVERY thing reminds me of the way it used to be, not so long ago.........

You and me both. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> At least you remember those times and cherish them. My WW has yet to come to that point. If I was to mention, and I actually did with a banner that the children and I made for her, those very moments that you mentioned above she gets mad. Replied with a comment of "Why do you want to make me remember!" Beacuse we love you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I will remember you in my prayers and God Bless you and your family.

euphoria,
I am new here (sort of) and you can read my story on my thread.
I just wanted to tell you that I keep coming back to this thread to read what you said in your first post, and pray that my WS has some similar feelings. If I thought he did, (he is so bad a communicating), I would find it SO much easier to get better, and move on.
Thanks for sharing. I join the other posters in saying that you need to start to forgive yourself. I can see that I underestimate how hard that may be, even though I may have wished to be in your shoes a few times.
In a way, it's "easy" for me to be in the position of "wronged" than the do-er of the deed. I have often though of a revenge A, but there is a little voice telling me: you don't want that kind of guilt!
I hope your H realizes the treasure he has. Hang in there.

Euphoria and AlwaysHis:

Thank you for sharing your feelings on this very painful subject.

I am a w who was considering an affair. I already have decided mentally not to go through with it. But I still struggle with fantasizing about it.

I intend to print your posts and refer to them when I am tempted. One of you mentioned that you wish you knew how bad it would be ahead of time. I am sorry that you didn't, but thankful that your experience can help me.

I pray that a few years from now you will be able to look back on this without the tears. That your love for and from your husbands will have grown in that you both will appreciate and hold dear even more that which you almost lost.

H in PA

Hey euphoria (and any other FWS), check out the reply by Tom Carlton to the thread on JFO by DazedConfused titled, "When is infidelity a poor excuse."

Your assistance may be appropriate.

WAT

AllwaysHis -

I'm not a woman, so I really don't understand this stuff, but it seems that emotional turmoil after giving birth occurs to some women. Based on your child's age, it's possible that you had some severe mood swings to deal with?

Not excusing the affair, of course, but just pointing out something you may want to watch for in the future.

Now her some simple advice witout the "Bible banging"

Type what you just wrote and hand it to your spouse! I wish the heck that my wife would do something like this.

Arewehavingfunyet,
Euphoria states she is a Christian, Bible banging is appropriate as her questions about forgiveness, pertaining to her faith, are abundantly answered <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I myself prefer the term Bible thumping <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> since that is the sound fist on book makes, you can only bang it if you lift it up and drop or slap it on something. Not good for books.

Trusting Her,
Thank you so much for your uplifting words. I have printed out the post with the scriptures and I will turn to them often. I know forgiving myself won't happen overnight. It will be a process, much like it was for my H to forgive me.

I pray that you W will soon realize the depth of your love for her and come to you with remorse, asking you for your forgiveness.

One thing I remember, is that even though my H and I have to make a new future, we still have the past. What I did doesn't "cancel" out all of the wonderful times we shared, right? All of the moments that are engraved deep in my memory and heart WERE real and we did have something very special. That is what we WILL have again.

Thanks again for your uplifting words.
AlwaysHis

I have read several post about feeling guilty. My H had an affair, that ended five months ago. I have forgiven my husband and we are trying to rebuild our foundation. There are times when I think about on what he did and I get depressed and cry. I don't make my H feel guilty, however he does feel guilty, and because of this guilt he cannot have sex with. Right now I feel that maybe his guilt will end destroying out marriage. I was rejected when he had the A and now I feel rejected again because of his guilt. He feels very close to me, but not in the bedroom. I would appreciate anyones thoughts, I am so depressed. Thanks

Euphoria, I say go with the bible, thumping or not! Because the answers are all there.Forgive yourself as God has. And become the new person over again, shedding the old. Remember, God can and has cleansed from all sin. We all may have to go through that clensing process many times.
Of course, as a Christian, you feel more guilt than if not. But then, God gave us that spirit to remind us of the need for repentance and forgiveness.
Think on these things. Know that God does love you and has taken away the sin!
I agree, my H's A's hurt and it's hard to forget them. And I do feel things changed forever, But with prayer, God has a way of bringing blessings out of the messes!
You have seen and know how much your H loves you. That is a blessing you may not have felt before. Use your mistakes to help others see the error of ways. Make lemonade out of the lemons!
Don't allow the experience to be wasted, rather use it to find new paths and strengh, and to help others.
God bless you, LouLou

CarolineB, I would have some deep concerns and ? about your H's lack of activity with you.
My FWH had an A and when he stopped, due to my finding out, he didn't stop our sex life. It did sort of stall for a while, but not that long. Now it's more active than had been in years! 17 mos into recovery here!
My main concerns about your H's lack of bedroom activity would be, has he been tested for STD's?
If not, insist he do so and you see the reports. Could it be he contracted something and is withholding this from you, hence the lack of sex?
If no STD's my second concern would be if he is still involved and you do not know it. Whether same OW or new one!
This is not normal at all, so there is something he's not revealing. In My Opinion!
Time for some deep discussion and honesty here on his part!
He is not being totally honest and his guilt would not go to this extent in my opinion. And comments guys?
God bless you Caroline, I know this has to hurt like hell! LouLou

CarolineB:
My WS is expressing extreme remorse and guilt. However,like Lady Lou is saying, this has not stopped his sexual attraction for me. It seems to have gotten even stronger. He has always expressed his emotions during our intimate times together and that has begun again. I would be suspicious as Lady Lou is suggesting. Even during his A, my WS has continued to be intimate with me. However, now it is more passionate; seems like he is making love rather than seeking just SF.

Best Wishes to You

<small>[ March 03, 2003, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>