I'm almost at my breaking point. I don't know how much longer I can keep this all up, but I have a question for many of you. I hope I word this in a way that makes sense.

My Plan A went to pots shortly after Christmas when I had a major breakdown in front of my husband. After that he actually opened up to me a lot. He then started calling me EVERY evening because he was bored or lonely and wanted to talk to me. He was coming and staying every weekend in our family home. He started sleeping on the couch and gradually it went to us being intimate and him sleeping in my bed. We'd continue to talk nearly every night if he wasn't here. Many times he would show up unannounced and spend the evening here. We were talking about many things and a huge portion of the time HE WAS ASKING if there was anything we could talk about.

After about 5-6 weeks I made the mistake of crying one Sunday night when he left to go back to his home. I told him how hard it was for me to have him here all weekend and then have him leave on Sunday night like it was no big deal. He held me while I cried and he acted very sad as well. The following night he was back and spent the evening with us. Then he called me and told me we wouldn't get to spend Valentine's Day together and I was hurt. I told him how hurt I was and he stated we would try to work something out. That weekend, he stayed at the house on Friday night, but then left Saturday around 1 PM and didn't return. He came back late Sunday and we talked some. Monday night, he called me and asked me about my counseling and I ended up going to his house and we talked again. He continued to make comments about his candles and sexual inuendos. So, the following day, I decided to bite the bullet and fixed a little basket with candles, oil, wine, etc. and left it on his porch for him to find when he came home with a note to give me a call. He never called. I eventually called him and we got into an argument. He accused me of being in his house and going through his things. The next day he called me and asked me to come to his work so we could talk. He was so busy we didn't get to. That night he had his girls and stopped at our home. Then Valentine's came and the weather was bad and he had to watch his little sister and he had his girls so he wasn't around. He came for a while with his girls that Sunday and we were to talk, but didn't. After he dropped his girls back off he came back and spent the evening here until about midnight, but didn't mention talking. Then Monday, he called me again after counselling and wanted me to come out and talk with him.

This is where my question begins. He told me that he was confused. He told me that there were times he'd be at our home and not want to leave and then he gets angry and upset with himself for feeling that way because he was the one who made the decision to move out. He stated that he seems to take it out on me and that he's sorry for that, but it's just that he's upset with himself. He stated he feels it is unfair for him to stay since he hasn't decided to move back home. Please keep in mind that until my emotional breakdown he was very very very adamant that he wasn't coming back, yet told my counselor that he was confused as well. He stated to me that he's so afraid that we will enter right back into our old habits. He told me that he just wanted me to be myself again, etc. There are many issues to try to explain.

This past week he's stopped with his girls on Wednesday evening for about an hour and then visited my daughter in the hospital for a short time Thursday evening and the two of us had supper together. Friday night, I assumed he'd be over, but he made numerous excuses and I haven't spoken to him since that time.

I'm confused and hurt. I don't know what to make of this sudden turn around that he's done again. I have to question if his actions were true and honest when he was coming and staying and if he really sees how much it hurt and confused me and that is why he's staying away, but I don't know.

I've made up my mind not to call him or contact him since he obviously wants more time away from me, but I would like to have some of your takes on whether or not you all feel that I need to do a Plan B or if I should continue with a BETTER Plan A.

I don't understand his actions, but he's not mentioned divorce. He even got all our tax return deposited into his account and I was sure he'd file when he received it, but instead came out and we paid a bunch of bills together and then split the rest leaving each with only about $500 extra.

Any suggestions!! Thank you for lasting this long. I know it's a drawn out post, but I do need input!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!!

Ferbie,

You have fallen off the plan A wagon and time to dust yourself off and get right back on...

It sounds like things were and are going well between the two of you...

Even his honesty about his confusion is a good thing...remember when he would say it's over?...

Time to plan A your heart out in fact. Consistancy is the goal here...
And yep this post is all about you....you need to get your emotions under control...they are not "wrong"...they are part of you...but you need to work through them and give him the space to work through his...

In his attempt to work through what he is telling you..and what he told you, is good.
he said..."He told me that he was confused. He told me that there were times he'd be at our home and not want to leave and then he gets angry and upset with himself for feeling that way because he was the one who made the decision to move out"

THAT is proof of a good plan A...and why you must take great care to continue to build upon the environment of which he does not want to leave the home....

Don't you dare make that internal struggle of his easy....don't you dare <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ...step up your plan A so that his struggle to fogly justify his moving out is taken away....It is his struggle and you can't change that or him...but you can do everything to prove him wrong...

And while it's not always "fair" that you take on the burden ...it is better than chaos and conflict...you want this marriage...then it is worth it...

Ferbie we all hear your desperation for this just to be better...we all understand the pressure and anxiety it causes....it is hard...and emotionally painful and draining...

But pressure him with all your fears and anxiety and it erases all the good building you've done of showing him how you have changed...

It will backfire on you and he will come back at you with sayings like...

"see I knew you really couldn't change"
"see I knew you would go back to the "old you" and ways"...

Time to walk that narrow line....
You have come so very very far from your first postings of such pain and fear and struggling...
you have conquered so much in finding that you really do have the strength and grace inside of you to face fears that you thought you never ever could.
Plan B is there for you...but I strongly suggest not now...not when he is telling you he likes being home....make it that home you envision sharing with him all the time.

Ferb, I am sending you a big old cyber hug...you are doing well....be happy...be proud...seek serentiy and peace in all your interactions...
ARK

Another question....do I continue to allow him to waltz in and out of our home at whim? I love him being here. When I hear his van pull in my drive, my heart jumps and I feel "safe" again. But, I have so many people telling me that I'm allowing myself to be a doormat and that he's using and abusing me by his actions.

I get more "positive" feedback that what I'm doing is the right thing from this site then I do from a couple other support sites that I visit, but they aren't sites for marriage salvation.

I guess I struggle so badly trying to be strong and NOT call or NOT contact him. I've written letter after letter about my feelings, etc. as my counselor told me that it was good and a way to keep communication open. He's NEVER really responded to anything I've written except when I once asked him if he would take time to think about how he would envision us handling our exes and finances if he came back. He got upset with that and said that I had a perfect plan that he was coming back and everything would be great, but that he hadn't decided to come back or not yet.

Anyway, back to my question of letting him come and go....do I? Also, I struggle with NOT calling him about things (like when my daughter was put in the hospital). Do I leave him out of the loop on some of this, just because? I mean she is his step-daughter and everything, but she wasn't in a urgent life-threatening situation.

Things like that are what is foggy to me. I did print out a previous response of a portion of the 180's?! Is there a list somewhere with all the 180's for Plan A that was developed? I couldn't find it on the site.

I have an idea. Plan A can be fine tuned daily to accomodate your situation.

***mix it up***

You said: "When I hear his van pull in my drive, my heart jumps and I feel "safe" again."''

Be prepared for this next time. Psych yourself up to do the following:

When you hear his van, go put on your coat, but leave you purse and car keys in 2 different places. When he comes into the house, be unusually cheerful, but very lightly so. Talk to him cheerfully as you move around the room, slightly distracted. Cheerful and happy to see him as you try to locate you keys. "Hi sweetie. Gee you look delicious! (make flirty face) I am on my way out to spend some time with *friends* so , unfortunately, we don't have much time to visit. (be SURE to say VISIT) ....I can't seem to find my keys. "(make a cute flirty gesture) ....

Then, once you have his attention .... find your keys. Sit with him for a few moments, making small talk (and flirty faces) .... and then look at your watch .... Oh Geeze, look at the time! I'm sorry. I'm late. Can we VISIT another time? " ...... then run out cheerful, happy .... looking and smelling like a million bucks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Then drive somewhere unusual for you .... and shop or have coffee or a manicure, something for yourself.

Instead of HIM leaving you .... YOU leave him for a change! You're NOT being 100% available is a good thing for plan A .... especially in situations like yours.

His jaw will be flappin' and his mid will be burning with curiosity .... where is she going? WHAT "friends"?

Be mysterious in your plan A. The steady-as-a-rock woman waiting oh-so-patiently for him to come to his senses has suddenly become an object of intense interest and has to be pursued! Let him chase you.

Ya gotta be ready to appear to be .... politely and happily disconnecting ..... and his fog may not feel so comforting.

Just a suggestion from my perspective.

Come on Pepper!!!!
Lets SEE that flirty face!!!!

ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Okay .....

head slightly lowered so you look up at him through your lashes. Ever so slightly tilt your chin toward one shoulder, and finger-comb your hair ..... smiling with your tongue just barely visable touching your teeth.

Ark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

We need pictures, Pepper!! Ferbie, I think ark made an excellent suggestion about appearing to move on with your life. I think you need to stay with Plan A for more time, especially in light of his remark that he can't be sure that you would resume your old habits:

"He stated to me that he's so afraid that we will enter right back into our old habits. He told me that he just wanted me to be myself again, etc. There are many issues to try to explain."

But I think it is most revealing that your vulnerability in your "breakdown" seemed to move him closer to you. Why is that? What need of his did that serve? Have you identified what needs were lacking that led to his departure?

Ferbie,

Let me just say as my self being one of the "OldTimers" to MB (1999)now w/a new name, YOU have done a wonderful job.

Your H has confided in you. He has told you that he is confused. Even thou you are still living in "Limbo" he is making the effort to see you and be open w/you and how he feels.

This is a Good thing!!

Everyone here has given you great advice.

Keep up the good work. And come here to vent.

Pepperband,

I love your quote as well!

You all take care,

VB

Hi Ferbie,

It seems there is so much there that is positive for you. I do understand exactly how uncertain everything feels, but he is still around so much, your Plan A is working,he is drawn to you but confused about what he wants. Keep Plan A going .
And I would keep him in the loop about everything-you are still married aren't you, you don't want this separation? Then keep telling him everything.
but maybe , I agree, be a little less available....

Deluded

I agree with pepper...(flirty face and all) !!

also I say quit with the letters...write them for you...then hold on to them...
let him wonder why you quit writing...

Ofcourse call him when daughter is in hospital...(hope she is OK...)

the other thing is kick him out after dinner when he's over...say thanks so much for sharing dinner with us....but I have some things I got to work on...and I really appreciate it when you are here....insert peppers flirty face here... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
but perhaps it is time you left...do it on a Friday night...hee hee...

ARK

Ferbie ....

When I was "almost at my breaking point" ... I was waking up very early every morning, riddled with anxiety.

One morning, I decided to get up and leave. I left H a note "Gone off today to think things over. See you later."

I got in my car and drove to Malibu .... and drank coffee watching the sunrise. Then I drove to Santa Barbara and walked on the beach for about 4 hours. Then I drove to another beach city and ate lunch/supper.

I mosied back to the bewildered WH all refreshed and sandy.

His concern and bewilderment??? Well, it was a boo-tee-ful thang! I slept tons better that night! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 23, 2003, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">head slightly lowered so you look up at him through your lashes. Ever so slightly tilt your chin toward one shoulder, and finger-comb your hair ..... smiling with your tongue just barely visable touching your teeth.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like the good beginnings of a porn novel to me...

Seriously, I have been on the other side of that. My husband got in his truck and took off, just riding.....it hurt like hell. I was worried sick...didn't know if he would come back.

Well, I'm hoping for a few more responses just to help me out a little. I have spoke to my husband a couple times due to my daughter being in the hospital. I figured he was her stepfather and needed to know that she was back in again. He did come to the hospital to see her both nights. The first I had invited him to come eat supper with me and he took me out, paid for it and all. The next night we talked and I said, "Well, we'll still be here tonight so if you plan to stop, O.K. Otherwise, we'll see you when we see you." My daughter saw him drive by the hospital out of her window and I was so upset!!! He wasn't stopping! I thought, what a jerk. Then, later he did stop and I felt like such a jerk for cussing him!

I have a hard time "forcing" myself to not call or contact him. I would ask that I could get some encouragement from all of you here. If I post and I'm crying and whining, can you bear with me and talk me through it all?!

Ferbie,

You are going through a lot. With your daughter in the hospital, that is a lot in itself.

Actually I think you are doing quite well but understand that you are feeling overwhelmed. So it is ok to vent.

As for your H, he needs to show his worth to you more than you being available for him. He needs to convince you that he is now worthy of your company. Remember this.

When you have some time alone, go find a spot in nature where you can go and yell out...... "I, Ferbie deserve so much more."

Kinda like pushing out the negative thoughts. Setting a new standard for not being so needy. Taking a stand for yourself which commands respect. Your H will see that and if he wants a good W, he will want you to continue that way.

NOw it is still ok to shed a few tears in front of him. Ok to do the Pepper Prance and bat those lashes. LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The combo will keep his head spinning. But it will be a healthy spin.

Well at least think about it.

L.