To make a long story short my H who is living with his gf for the past couple of months, (You would know from my other posts of the situation.) called our house this morning looking for my H, because she said he was mad and left yesterday because a guy called her. My H said that isn't the reason she is making that up. Well my H and I went out last night and he stayed the night here. We go out and he has stayed here frequently. I have told her many of times I was out with him but he would lie his way out of it all the time. There was even 2 weeks that he came home and he got out of it somehow. And it makes me look like a liar. She said if you tell me that he is here and I hear his voice then she would kick him out and bring his clothes that he has there to our front door. She also said I would win. Well my H was waving and telling me he wasn't here. He tells me if I tell her that I am out with him he would never speak or see me again. So do I tell her and let her catch him or lie to her? Help Now I don't know what to do.

By hiding your H, by not telling OW that he's there when she specifically asked you, you're enabling your H's actions. Why would you want to play their silly head games? You have more important stuff to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And if your H is threatening you if you "tattle tale" on him... really now... how mature is THAT? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Just the other day, you said you were done with him, and that you've given up on your M reconciling. So, from that stance, what difference would it make to admit that yes, he is at your house? I think your H might eventually THANK you for telling the truth (eventually, being the key word <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Karen

I agree with Topie, so long as you play by your H's rules, he'll keep this up. Don't try to reason with the OW, she doesn't seem capable of listening. If you try to tell her he's there, she won't believe you, she'll believe his lies later. You know that already, that's why you're frustrated.

Time for a change.

Or, and I doubt this will work very well, but maybe you need to plant a spy cam in your house, video tape the fact that your H is there with you, and then mail the OW the tape. But, honestly, I still think that would mean that she throws him out, and he will still be a jerk to you.

He's not concerned about your feeligns or those of the OW. He's all about himself and having two women on the go.

I know how hard it is to draw that line and stop seeing a man that you love with your whole heart. I'm stuck in the same place. Just when I think I've had it, and have the resolve to Plan B him, he acts almost human and allows me to be in contact with him, and I cave in. BUT I always end up feeling like crap again soon, b/c he resumes his rotten treatment of me. Do you feel like you're in a similar cycle? If so, you need to get out too.

Take care Goldie, take care of yourself!

Jen

Bump up, please give some more advice, thanks

Goldie,

You already got the best advice you are going to get. I have answered your posts before and told you the same thing. Stop the insanity, you are part of the problem.

goldielocks109,

I, for one, do not know why you choose to live like this. I read your posts and it is like some bad Jerry Springer episode. You realize of course that you are contributing to this insanity....right?

He does what he does because he can. You can choose to not participate in these antics. But, you haven't. You are enabling him to continue in his spiral downward.

Your children must be appalled by this behavior coming from their Parents! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

And Yes, I am being harsh. What is going on there is deplorable and you have the power to change it...you choose not to.

For goodness sake...it doesn't matter right now who did what to whom, and who did what first.
You have got to change things, and you can only do that by changing yourself.

As Always, JMHO
committed

Yes I know it living like this is crazy and I know it is like a Jerry Springer Show. I wanted to tell her that he was here and catch him, but I didn't because I know if I told her she would defintly find out and as I write this I can still call her and tell her and let her catch him in a lie. All the time I told her I was with him or he was here he just always lied his way out and it made me look like I was crazy.

Here's an Idea....

STOP letting him stay there! Start right there.

Why do you want him there anyway???
He is sleeping with her....sleeping with you....and I can imagine that there is no protection being used to protect you from an STD. In essence, you are sleeping with the OW and every man she has ever been with. Do you really want that many sexual partners? You have invited them into your bed when you allow him to come over there and sleep with you.
Whatever she has been exposed to you are being exposed to.
There is not enough penicillin in the western hemisphere that would make it ok.

Do your children a favor, let them have at least one parent that is not behaving in such an insane and degenerate manner.

JMHO
committed

Honey, you're missing the point! You're not listening to the good advice you're being given here. You're in some kind of fog of your own.

You should not be in contact with your H so long as he's in contact with the OW. Cut him off. Kiss him goodbye.

Don't waste your time calling the OW. She won't believe you anyway. He'll lie to her anyway. You can't control him or her. You can only control your own actions. Look after yourself and your kids, and
cut off contact with your H, for your own sanity. Stop letting him into your home.

Sorry to be harsh, but get some counselling my dear, you need it.

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am not going to tell her, because it is not worth it, I will look bad no matter what. I am trying my as good as I can not to give in, it might not seem it, but I am.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by goldielocks109:
<strong>I am not going to tell her, because it is not worth it, I will look bad no matter what. I am trying my as good as I can not to give in, it might not seem it, but I am.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quit lying for him and playing these games. Quit letting him come over unless it is to pick up the kids. Move into Plan B immediately and end this sick little charade. You have children that don't need to be seeing this craziness.

Goldie,

There comes moments and times in all of our lives in which we stand at the point of making a decision based on what we believe or claim to believe in and what we stand for....no matter what and no matter who...

You are standing at this point right now...

You have the choice to make that regardless of anyone elses behaviors, actions, or even opinion what YOU...and YOU alone value and believe to have great worth...NONE of this is about them...ALL of it is about YOU

You CAN NOT move towards any type of real reconcilliation with you husband that encompaases a relationship with the basic value of truth if you yourself do not live the truth....

You can not go to your husband and demand that he be honest with you...as long as you continue to engage in dishonest behavior....our actions define who we are and what we believe in...and the lesson you teach your husband by your own very actions each and every time you lie for him is...that it is acceptable for lies and deceit to exist between you and and others...

YOU are damaging your part in reconcilliation by your actions...
PLAN A is not nor ever will be about lieing to protect the affair to continue....

IF YOU teach this
IF YOU do this
YOU will live this over and over...with no hopes of ever having an honest relationship as long as you continue to engage in lieing...

People advise you to stop because we believe you are better than this,,,,then "their" behavior, better than the chaos and stress, and oh so much better than selling a piece of your own soul each time...

Time to step up to the plate...and dig deep inside to decide what you believe in.
What you want your children to believe in.
And how much more better you are than these petty destructive games...

The man threatens to "leave you" if you tell the truth and act as an honest person...
time is at hand to call his bluff.
ARK