Mimi suggested I look for some advice from senior members. I've been posting for a week or more,started under PlanA/B and have been here since. My H has been involved in an EA from sept/oct o2 and as far as I can determine PA since Nov.o2. Discovery was 12/21/02.
We've been married almost 19 yrs. 4 kids, oldest 18, youngest 4. H has been working out of state for the better part of 4 yrs. The last 2 yrs, he's been 2 1/2 hrs. away, so was coming home on weekends, but also worked 7 days for many weeks. Our relationship seemed to be weathering the separation pretty well, although the past few months were beginning to take its toll on me. Just burnt out w/kids, work, on my own so much, lonely, etc.
We were looking forward to lay-off, expected Oct.02 that would have had him home for a couple of months, he seemed anxious to get home. The layoff just came 3 weeks ago. Of course now he is not home, staying in his apt. OW lives in same town there, she's separated with 3 kids.
The first few weeks after Disc. were spent making all the typical mistakes, crying, pleading, anger, after 3 weeks he decided that he wanted out of our relationship. Now he says he's not sure if wants a D.
At one point I told him he could not visit and stay overnight when he came to see the kids, and I was limiting comm. between us. That didn't last long, as I found this site and have been Plan Aing since.
I've read "Surviving.." and am on to HNHN's now. Of course he is stunned and confused by my change in attitude. See posts under FOG? for our latest visit, last night and how it went.
Just need to know, because he's already living out of the home, (seems like part of PLan B?), how best to cont. with Plan A. I'm working on myself, trying to stay focused, just need to know how to handle the visits, some are overnights, especially don't want to feel like a "doormat". At what point is he having his "cake.."
Right now, nothing has really changed for him. Even for the younger kids, it's business as usual, except for Mom's emotional roller coaster ride for those first few weeks. More under control now. Starting to ramble, but please check my other posts to catch my story and respond please!
Even though I feel Ok about last night, I need to know if I'm on the right track or if there is something different I can be doing??
I haven't mentioned before, he had a 3 week A, over 2 years ago when he went to another state for a 4 wk job, he came home a mess, I suspected because of his inability at that time to lie convincingly,he confessed and seemed very remorseful. I thought we had recovered pretty much( I was more upset this time, last time I forgave right off, and tried to move on)Now, he says things like,
I don't want to keep hurting you,
why do I keep doing this (duh, you can't be away from us!!),
if I came home would it work, would it happen again?,
If it did't work with us, would I be losing another relationship(OW)?
I know he's confused and I'm trying to be understanding, but it's tough. Gotta go for now. Please help me sort this out.

<small>[ February 26, 2003, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: learnin ]</small>

Hopin to hear from Melody & Worthatry, as well as any others who can enlighten me! Where do I go from here?

Is anyone out there?

It seems crazy that I can go from upbeat and feeling ok to thinking that this is all just a stall tactic that will eventually end in DV anyways.
I'm not sure I'll be able to stick Plan A for very long, in our situation it just seems like business as usual. H is away, I miss him terribly, H comes home, I try to make everything cozy & loving, H goes back.
It's been this way for 2 yrs. now. But now he has someone else to go back too, no more hugs & kiss & lovemaking when he's home, nothing to get me through until the next time he's home.
Now it's just reading between the lines, geez, maybe I can take that as a positive, and see if gets me through the week. It's crap. I deserve better than this.
I've been a loving, hardworking, patient, wife and mom, making the best of situation while he's been working away, and now I'm looking for things that I did wrong in the relationship to admit my responsibility in all this.
What did I do except be a sucker all this time, and now I'm just doormat, while I let him figure it out, or the A to die out.
I know, I've done the reading, I know on one level it makes sense, but I'm so damn tired right now, I just want it all to go away. Besides I'm tired of replying to my own posts. Not anyone's fault, just venting.

<small>[ February 26, 2003, 02:33 PM: Message edited by: learnin ]</small>

I'd love to help...but my eyes just can't read your post...

There is just so much...and it all runs together.

Try breaking it into paragraphs please.

Learning:

You can edit to break up your post into paragraphs and then hang on until later tonight. To edit click on the paper and pencil icon.

Take Care.

Go to your first post and edit your topic into
ALL CAPS and title it PLEASE HELP ME. Hope that works.

I'm trying to bump you up.

Learnin..

First an apology ...I read your post last night...and honest to God was to darn tired to type...so now that I've had some coffee...beat the children into eating something for breakfast...kidding!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am here...

Hubby is stunned and confused by your attitude and changes...good good job...

Here is a link (I hope to Bramblerose's awesome post....http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=020459#000000

OK I realize I'm not quite getting that posting link thing down ...but it appears to work..if not search How to be a doormat in plan A...that should work...

If you are doing an awesome plan A ...and you are feeling that he is becoming to comfortable..then maybe it's time to shake him up a little...

Do things like when he does come home...be happy happy happy to see him...look fabulous...smell even better...and go out...even if you are going to the conveniant store to sit...make it appear that you are NOT waiting for him....

don't always answer the phone when he calls...be out mysteriously or busy...sing and hum to yourself...

You can also consider doing things like sending any of the custodial things you are doing for him with him and to the OW>..ie dirty laundry...half the bills....was it Orchid who suggested to her husband that she would cook him half a supper and let the OW cook the other half...that way all his needs would be met at once...

I will try to catch up on your other posts...but perhaps it's time to step up the mystery in what YOU are doing

This is ALL about YOU....
take care
ARK

Learnin
Hang in there. I wish I could give you some advice but I am still trying to figure things out myself. So keep your spirits up and smile all day. It sounds like you have made some wonderful progress.
Danny

My Days are getting shorter and my Nights are getting longer!!
I really had to resist calling in sick this morning, so hard to get out of bed some days.
While sitting at my son's high School Sports Awards last night, I realized, that I've sat at far too many of these things by myself. Why doesn't WH know that it's important to be at these things, boring as they can be sometimes.
I'm so glad that I've been present at some very special moments for my kids, that H only gets to hear about later, his loss.
Why do I miss the jerk so much?
Why doesn't he miss us?
What can she possibly have that can keep him away from his family and what was always important to him?
It kills me to think of the tender moments he's spending with her? He even wrote her a "letter", he's not the letter type!(heard her cell phone message, "thanks for the letter, it was soo nice"
Uughh!!
Why do I even go looking for that stuff(messages), do I really need to be hit over the head over & over?
He promised he'd never leave me!!, that I was the best thing to ever happen to him, that if he lost me it would be the biggest mistake of his life!!
How can all that change??

Hi learnin. First, hang in there help is coming. I know how it feels not knowing what to do. The first thing that made me feel better was to get into counseling with Steve Harley. I developed a plan on how to proceed with his help and it made me feel much more in control. Keeping a relationship strong and healthy with one of you being out of town as much as your husband is would be a real challenge for anyone. It sounds like your husband has some real remorse for what he's doing which is a good thing. You have to remember that plan A is about you and not him. When it gets too hard on you emotionally you have to stop to protect yourself and your M from further damage. Hope this helps a little.

Can I bring this up to WH as a "disrespect" issue, without it being a LB?

He said to my 16 yr.old on tues, I was going to bring my "friends" Mercedes SUV up for you to take for your Driving Test, but it has a crack in the windshield.

My S told me this, as he's no dummy, but he didn't say anything in response to H.

I'd like to bring it up and just say that it was disrespectful to me & our S to say these things, what was he trying to prove anyways, Impress the kid or what?

How should I handle this, or just let it go?

Bump