I don't know if anyone here is familiar with Dr. Laura. She has a radio program where people call in with their problems. A woman called in about her husband having an affair (which she caught him in) for 10 months. Her husband wanted her to get over it and not mention it again. As we all know the BS has to talk about it to get over it.
Dr. Laura gave some good info. It all boiled down to the fact that if he loved her, he would be willing to help her anyway he could. He was the one responsible for the whole mess to begin with. She said if the WS isn't willing--what kind of marriage is this? I guess in other words there isn't one.
I'm kind of in the same arena. This opened up a can of worms with me. I'm not allowed to bring up a matter with my H related to this. So does this mean that he doesn't really love me although he says he does.
If something was going on - are some WS too ashamed to admit it? Is that why they don't want to talk about it - because it reminds them of what they did? A BS has a reminder everytime they look at their S.

lobelia,
I've been listening to Dr. Laura a couple times a week for years. She's very negative on the possibility of marital recovery after an affair. She often says things like "you knew he/she cheated and you stayed with him/her? That wasn't very smart."

She also believes that if a spouse has cheated and the BS doesn't know, the WS should NOT EVER tell. "Why pass on that burden?" Guess the reprecussions-- STDs, secrecy, accidental discovery--is a chance she thinks the WS should take. Odd, because sometimes she's quite big on honesty, like Thou shall not lie.

Anyway, she's not a particularly good resource on infidelity recovery. Her 10 Stupid Things Couple Do hardly touches on infidelity, it's just part of a chapter on Stupid Attachments (I gave the book away, I think that was the chapter).

If you want more info on what you can do to facilitate recovery or to recommend to your H, I'd recommend
Dr. Willard & Steve Harley (MB),

Phil McGraw (Relationship Recovery),

James Dobson,

Michelle Weiner-Davis (Divorce Busting),

Gary Chapman (Hope for the Separated, The Five Love Languages),

Dave Carder (Torn Asunder),

Janis Abrams Spring (After the Affair),

Jim Talley (Reconcilable Differences).

Lor,
Thanks for bringing me back from a setback. I don't listen to her that often. Although I still believe in the statement: if he loves you, he'll help anyway he can.
Thanks for the list of books. Although I don't really know what or if anything went on, I guess I just have to "get over it". I may get over it but I will never forget it.

Your statement that you will never forget it. That is true, so true. You will never forget it. It will stay with you the rest of your life. It is like the little boy being criticized by his father. It takes, 1 bad statements, and 20 good statements to cover the bad statement. What your husband did with the affiar, is like 100 bad statements, and it is going to take 1000 good statements to make it better.

I personally don't like Dr. Laura. But Dr. PHil is great. So just wanting to bring up the forgetting about his affiar.

I adore Dr Laura, but she is OFF THE WALL when it comes to affairs.

Lobelia--and with all respect to Faith4 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ,
I still hang out here on the Infidelity Forums, so I can't say I've forgotten, but I can say I'm recovered. I'm healed. My H & I are in love, through his accountability and trustworthy actions over the past 3 years, the trust is building.

In January, at my H's request, we went to a marriage enrichment seminar through our church. This is a man who fought counseling, didn't like the 3rd (!) counselor at first, but I did, so I stuck with that C, eventually my H joined me, and he's now someone my H really admires.

At the end of the seminar we renewed our vows in our church, with our pastor.

So, forget? Maybe not. But it is in the past, even with my MB habit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , has very little to do with our daily lives, other than we take better care with our communication and off moods, and kind of "check in" with each other.

<small>[ February 26, 2003, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong>lobelia,
I've been listening to Dr. Laura a couple times a week for years. She's very negative on the possibility of marital recovery after an affair. She often says things like "you knew he/she cheated and you stayed with him/her? That wasn't very smart."

She also believes that if a spouse has cheated and the BS doesn't know, the WS should NOT EVER tell. "Why pass on that burden?" </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems to me two statements above are contradictory. On the one hand Dr. Laura seems to think you are crazy to stay with a WS. On the other hand, she advises the WS to keep it a secret, thereby removing the BSs chance to follow her advice and not stay with the WS.

I never have liked Dr. Laura.
Michael

Does anybody agree with her statement that if the H really loved the W he would be willing to help her, or there really isn't a marraige?

Lobelia,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does anybody agree with her statement that if the H really loved the W he would be willing to help her, or there really isn't a marraige?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems like the answer should be yes, if the H loves the W, he should help...but then, what is the W's definition of help?

I don't know your time line after discovery. Nor do I know how much you wanted to talk about the A, or how often? "Not ever mentioning it" is rather controlling of the WS to demand. But, in the last year, I've mentioned the FOW once and she's still my H's co-worker and I've seen her at 3 social events. I'm not interested in discussing her with my H anymore.

But there was a point where she was all I wanted to talk about and my counselor asked me "how much information is enough? How much remorse will be enough?"

And, I think those are good questions.

What is your H willing to do? Counseling? 15 hours a week spent together? No contact with the OW? Is he willing to work on your marriage, even if he doesn't talk about the A? Does he understand about needs, meeting yours?

In most cases the affair is more like a symptom of what is wrong with the WS or with the marriage and if he's willing to deal with that, then talking about the A is likely to be less important to you.

Long answer for a simple Q!

Lor,
I don't know if there was an affair. He denies it. Even if nothing went on, in my eyes he betrayed me when he put another woman's phone number in his wallet.(which I found). So I have lots of questions which go unanswered. Yes, I didn't realize until this happened that he is controlling. There were so many other problems, which I am dealing with. Who knows, maybe all my suffering is for nothing.

Not many of the WS's want to talk about it or even admit it. What we find out is just the tip of the iceberg.

I learn a lot from Dr. Laura but I disagree with some of her pronouncements and beliefs.

My H and I don't talk about his EA, and we have not recovered. We just live at the same address. There's no trust between us. And with no trust, there's no relationship.

Try the Harleys and try reading what Lor recommended.

Dr Laura ALWAYS recommends divorce with adultery, addiction or abuse (AAA).

She says if the peson with AAA is not willing to do everything to fix it, then get rid of them. With her, there is no middle ground.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>Dr Laura ALWAYS recommends divorce with adultery, addiction or abuse (AAA).

She says if the peson with AAA is not willing to do everything to fix it, then get rid of them. With her, there is no middle ground.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On this point I agree with Dr. Laura.

Michael