I went to see my lawyer today to start the legal separation process. In my state a legal separation is different from a divorce in name only. Everything has to be negotiated to a settlement and is legally binding at that time. Is this how other states handle this? It's going to be harder to do this than I thought but I will see it through. I just hope it doesn't get too ugly.

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: starman ]</small>

That is the same for me in MN. That is what I was going to do until my WW filed herself. As I understand it every tie between spouses is broken except for the state of being married. In other words financially you are seperated but physically and mentally you are still married and need to act that way.

My lawyer said to me that since I was going through the cost of separation I should just file for Dv instead. I explained that I think morally divorce is wrong and that this what I need. Like the Harley's say though, you need to have a deadline for when you file for divorce on your own. I know I could only wait so long before I lost all my love for her and filed myself.

Don't know if this helps.
STTSI

Thanks sttsi. I wanted to see if there were big differences between the states as to how this worked. I think I wanted to make sure that Steve Harley was sure about what he was telling me to do. I remembered early on in my counseling that he asked me to familiarize myself with this process so I could let him know how it worked. I was just freaked out after my appointment because I didn't realize what a big step this was going to be.

It is a big step but for me I felt it was necessary. My W would spend money faster than she made it and I had already paid enough of her debt.

If you live in MN I could send you some helpful links to legal stuff.

Why do you want a separation? Are you afraid of money issues? Are you trying to snap her back to reality?

If it is reality than conventional wisdom says it will backfire. If it is money than go ahead and get it done, you have to protect you and your S!

STTSI

Becarful please be careful. I only signed our seperation because it was the only way to get my W and our household goods back to the states from Germany. Well now she keeps throwing it in my face saying that I signed the damn thing. Make sure this is what you want because now I know if I was to do it again I would never.
Dan

Thanks sandcrab. Can you give me some more details on your decision? Who initiated the separation agreement? Why do you feel so strongly that it was a mistake? I feel in limbo right now worrying about the kids and I can't really make any long term financial decisions when I don't know what's going to happen. If this were to be a big LB or something that would ruin the progress I've made in plan A I could wait a while without any problem too.

Again I ask, why do you fel that separation is necessary?

Why did SH suggest it to you?

It sounds like you are unsure about this step so that is why I am asking. Again for me, it was only because my W has money problems. She has HUGE debt and I couldn't be responsible for it anymore. I still loved my W but I didn't want her to take me on a financial rollercoaster along with the emotional one.

STTSI

I am a little unsure about this now that I've seen what it entails. SH did suggest it to me to help me be at ease with my whole situation. I suppose if it wasn't going to help me in that way it wouldn't be a good idea right now.
The more I think about it I realize that it would help me as far as being able to move on with my life if I had to. The thought of doing this and then going to plan B is more appealing to me than just doing plan B. It's definitely better than staying in plan A right now. I really only worry about how my WW would take it. I don't want it to look like I'm giving up. I don't know if I should take that into consideration or not. I suppose it could serve as a wake-up call to her too. Do I worry about how this will effect her or should I just think about myself right now?

I don't mean to be pushy here but I was planning on telling my WW about this tomorrow morning so I wanted to get as much input as possible. Thanks.

I would not do it as a wake-up call!!!!

If you are not worried about financial issues than why take this step? If it is to make it easier to move on than why not file for divorce?

Maybe you should plan B for now. Maybe I am wrong, but I thought you had restarted plan B?

Tough call but I don't see a reason to do this. As I understood separation, all it separates is the financial responsibility between spouses. So if you are not concerned about that than why do it?

Tough call starman

STTSI

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starman:
<strong> I really only worry about how my WW would take it. I don't want it to look like I'm giving up. I don't know if I should take that into consideration or not. I suppose it could serve as a wake-up call to her too. Do I worry about how this will effect her or should I just think about myself right now?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Starman, I would go ahead with this. Worrying about her reaction has got you nowhere and I don't see that changing in the future. I agree with STeve Harley on this, it is time to do something different.

If you are in plan b now than maybe I would consider it. If you are in plan a than go to b. Did SH give a reason for suggesting this? I don't want to second guess him but as I remember of your situation you just went back to B.

I think give it time but I know there are others here wiser than me.

STTSI

Steve Harley recommended I get the legal separation done first because there will have to be quite a bit of communication between the two of us to work this out. As soon as we do he wants me to go to plan B. My financial situation is fine right now. The only thing we had jointly was our checking account and that has already been closed. From what I understand as long as there is nothing that has my name on it that my WW could run a debt up on I can't be held responsible. I don't really worry about this anyway. I also don't worry about her doing anything with the kids. First I just don't think she would and even if she did I can show that they've been here with me the whole time and that's all I need to be able to do to get them back. Steve didn't say anything about this being a strategy for my WW one way or the other he only wanted me to do it for my own peace of mind.

Although setting boundaries is viewed as a LB by the WS it does not exclude it from something that a BS should do needs to do or does do....

cake-eaters get real comfortable with the status quo....

does she worry much about how her actions affect others....one should walk the walk if they are going to talk the talk...

gotta run out time for therapy....OK really it's just the all ladies bowling league tonight.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .which is cheaper than therapy..and a lot funnier...will be back later to catch up on some of your recent experiences starman...

hang strong
ARK

thanks ARK you jogged my memory. We did discuss what my WW was doing. Of course SH told me what she was doing before I had to tell him. She has been going back and forth between here and the OM house, one week here more, the other there. Steve said she has gotten herself into a groove and is pretty comfortable with things right now which seems right. She hasn't had to think about anything because she's found a good balance right now and she could stay like this indefinitely. If I just go to plan B I don't see how it will change things that much for her. She is trying to spend some time with me thinking she can get to the point that she feels better about trying things again but we all know that she's never going to get to that point as long as she continues to see OM. As long as I make clear to her that I'm not giving up on us and this is about me I think that's the best I can do. The ball will be in her court then and whatever she decides to do I can live with.