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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 7
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 7 |
My wife say's she is "in-love" with her lover. But she said she would stop seeing him but she will be in a lot of pain and angry at me for a while.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
sever, That is what they all say. She is in the throes of an ADDICTION that has been fueled by a fantasy. It will blow over. Your job is to find out what needs of hers have not been met and start meeting them. This Other Man [OM] is filling some need that hasn't been filled in your marriage. You have to fix that. Please get your hands on the book Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. They will be HUGE aides in recovering from this and making sure it doesn't happen again. Here is a great article to start you off with: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
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Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 779
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Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 779 |
Welcome to MB. Sorry you're here. I second Melody about Surviving an Affair. If you can't find it in bookstores, you can buy it here.
Also, print out the questionnaires on this website for you and your wife.
Read EVERYTHING here. Post often - it helps. There are sooo many wise and wonderful people on here you cannot believe it!!!!
You will begin to realize, that everything she has pretty much been said by all of our spouses. Everything you feel has been felt by all of us. You are not alone - you are totally normal.
Hope that helps!
Good luck rebuilding your M!
DB
<small>[ February 26, 2003, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: dazedblonde ]</small>
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Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 128
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Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 128 |
Sever,
Sorry for what is happening in your life. You have friends here at MB.
Please get professional help today...do it now.
My wife was plenty mad at me for disrupting her fantasy and making her choose between me and them. It was her choice to stray just like it was her choice to stay. I emphasize...her choice. I did everything I could to assure her that I loved her and wanted to rebuild our relationship...but..."no contact" was my boundary. I simply told her that we could not be husband & wife if she maintained contact.
Surviving An Affair was the first book I read. His Needs/Her Needs was next. Torn Asunder is another wonderful book but my favorite book is Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.
Hang in there Sever, get help, do some reading...but most of all communicate with your wife.
God Bless You
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 531
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 531 |
I just want to second what the others have said. I'm very sorry for what you're going through. There are so many wise and helpful people here. I thank God everyday that I found this site. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you will get better. I have been here for about two months. When I first started posting I was a complete mess and more depressed by far then I have ever been in my life. I'm already a hundred times happier then I was back then! It will happen for you too.
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504 |
What you are going through is for real. Your wife says she is in-love with ? is a fantasy. One day she will realize that this is not the true love. It is fantasy, euphoria, and not real. She does not see him for his defects. He leaves the toilet seat up, he burps, he doesn't shave, he doesn't take enough showers, he leaves things laying around, he yells when you don't do something right, etc. etc. There is so much she doesn't see. And of course, they became active sexually, and that seems to be the power of all the minds.
This is difficult. Take and read the books, get counseling, and try your best, to find our her EN. Good Luck.
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