First post so I don't know the abbreviations so bear with me. BACKGROUND: My W and I started to drift last September, when she said "I don't love you like I should." Finally in November, she CAME FORTH and told me that she has "developed feelings for OM, was in love with OM, and dreamed of him" and wants a D. W would not tell who. I found out who it was by reading a email of him asking her out on a date, but SHE DECLINED (she was at home with me on the mentioned date). It was a co-worker who lives out of state. Our sex life previous to this was suffering a little but was there. I dug into her cell phone bill the next month, December, and found many phone calls to OM (about 75) at all hours of the night while I was sleeping or when we were out and she went to the bathroom, etc. There were many calls (about 10) on Christmas. I found her talking to OM on X-mas night, and W said she told OM she wanted to work things out with me. I found more phone calls (100) in Jan after her promise to stop. Over half can be work related. I issued an altimatum for Feb and we are waiting on the results. She has withdrawn from me totally in the bedroom this last month and doesn't reciprocate I luv U's all the time. She went to a "finding yourself" weekend last weekend to "get find courage and get coached on leaving me". However, for the first time, W admitted to having responsibility in our bad M, admitted to loving me still. W still is not sure about wanting to work out our M or wanting a D which baffles me with our great finances, friendship, and 2 yr old son. During all this, she sticks to her guns and says there has been no sex between her and OM. I have asked numerous times, and she says she sometimes wishes there was sex, so it would be easier to leave me and give her an "out". SHe has admitted to telling OM that she loves him. There has been many, many opportunites for them to hookup due to verified, legitimate business meetings they both attend. W now says she does not want to be with him and the feelings are gone. W is still at our house but is not working hard enough (my opinion) on our M. HERE's THE QUESTIONS: Should I confront OM to find the truth about the nature of the relationship/sex? Do you guys think my W is telling the truth and only feelings existed? Thanks for any insight.

Hi WOndering,

So sorry for your troubles. I am new too, and you can read my story on another thread.

To answer your question, in my opinion, although it's very tempting to contact OM and confront him, I think that the issue right now is with your wife and you. Consider the possible answers that OM will give, and then ask yourself: how is that going to help WS and you?

It sounds like she in "mourning" the OM and having a hard time coming out of the fog of the A. I have seen that in my H.

Read up on the Plan A/B stuff on this site, and consider trying to be your best self starting right now, rather than chasing down "info" that will either enrage you and/or not go far towards improving things with your W.

If she really has cut all contact, then she is in withdrawal and all you can do is work on yourself, and start questioning why she felt the need to go outside your M. Once you figure out some of that, you will be able to sit down and talk to her...without LB-ing!

In the meantime, try not to go nuts about how she may be cold with you, not returning the "i love you's" etc...be patient.

Not sure if this helps...just know that I hear you and am sorry for your sadness.

wondering,

I think elenor's advice is right on. If she has cut contact with OM then she will be grieving, missing, having withdrawls...whatever you want to call them.

I think contacting the OM is a bad idea(personal experience). It could put them on the same side. Better to keep him out of it. As far as believing her that is a tough call. Ask her to be honest with you. The stuff you think up in you head will more than likely be far worse that what is actually happening.

Go slow, be gentle...find out what was missing on your part.

Good luck and hang in there. This is a good place to have found.

i still suffer the same issues.my wife claims she did not have sex and had no interest in it with OM.having doubts i contacted OM.he said they didnot but they both wanted too it just didn't feel right.botom line..i was more confused.who was lieing.did they and both lied,they didn't and have diferent reasons for not,who knows.
should you contact other man and he says they did.will you believe him and not your wife.if he says no you still will have doubts.the fact is she had an A.ea or pa it is still wrong.

if she admits to it what will your responce be.make sure you can handle the answer before asking the question.if she said just once will you belive that?
i understand your wanting to know the truth.but what is the truth.this is a common problem umoung us BS'ers.we want proof.we can prove they did but cant prove they didn't.i was told enough to creat doubts but not enough to convince.so i stopped asking!

i still have doubts today but i'm at the point that i can say my wife had an affair and just leave it at that.thats all i need to know now.