Yesterday I received, quite unexpectedly, a cc of an email from my wife, which she addressed to OM. In a nutshell, it said,

- She can't go on like this
- She thought that he was the answer to her search of happiness, but in fact, the answer to happiness can only come from her within, not from others
- She said that no, she wont ever move to him, as not to deprive our daughter of her father (me)
- She is going to stay here in London;
- She wants to "work on herself", become happy, as from her happiness depends the happiness of our child and the happiness of "the person who lives next to me"
- That he is the "most free" of all 4 people involved, he isn’t helpless
- That she "always admired Nick's moral, human and professional qualities"

I was speechless when I've read it. Of course, I have many more questions and need many more answers, but I simply replied to her at this stage (and said so to her in the evening) that I admire her courage and lift my hat in respect. I know this letter has been incredibly hard for her to write. I feel overjoyed that reality has sunk in, but I am very careful as not to do something wrong at a moment when she finally showed her vulnerable side.

You know, when this nightmare is over, and we are back together again for good, then I think this was the biggest achievement of my life. Forget about all my fancy university degrees, the job, the salary etc, from a personal point of view, if this ends well, I will look at it as a great achievement - dito for my wife.

But we aren't there yet. Specifically, I've got several questions, which I still ponder and don’t know the answer to. For example, the letter DID NOT say anything about stopping contact, or that it's over with him for good (it simply said, she wont go to him and that their "love" might have been something else). Also, it DID NOT say that yes, she intends to stay with *me* (it said instead that she wants to be in London, so daughter has easy access to me).

But, let's face it, my wife took an enormous and courageous step yesterday. I'm glad for me (of course), but more importantly, so glad for her.

Nick

<small>[ March 04, 2003, 11:06 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

hi Nick. this does sound like a good start. maybe you should just let her answer you in her own time instead of questioning her. plan a, plan a, plan a. I read alot in that mail and even though she didn't say the exact words, it looks like an ending. good luck to you both. keep the faith!

Nick-

That's really good news!! While you're wise to note that obstacles remain, there's no questioning the significance. If you're able to get this OM out of the picture for good then of course the chances for true recovery begin. I'd keep it slow and steady and begin formulating some sort of plan for a NC letter if possible. Good luck with this latest turn, treat yourself to a few dark beers this weekend for a job well done!!

PS Forgot to add that yes, if you pull this off, you should feel like it's your greatest accomplishment. You've shown some remarkable patience and determination. Hang tough!

<small>[ February 28, 2003, 06:18 AM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

Nick,

Yes, it does appear reality has reared it's head and she's turning a corner. Tread lightly my friend, this is a crucial point. Don't bombard her with questions or she may crawl back inside her shell. It's a long way from realizing OM wasn't the answer to her happiness to finding it within or with you. Now's the time to be the man she confides in, a friend first with an unbelievable capacity for forgiveness and compassion.

I believe my W came to that very realization long ago that OM was not the cure for her unhappiness, yet still has no idea what is.

Best of luck to you. I'll keep my fingers crossed and wait for updates.

sad dad

Dear Nick

I think this is a major breakthrough - predominantly because this has come from her without prompting or questioning from you. I believe that (from the point of view of a FWS), true recovery can only begin when something "clicks" inside the WS. Something that makes them realise that their past other life is purely that - past and other. Whether that means that she can reconnect with you will still take some time and hard work on her part.

It will not be easy for her or you, but I believe that something inside her for whatever reason has clicked. It happened with me the night H and I went out with my friends and I really upset him - Nick you probably remember the story about how I treated him in comparison to one of my friends. I realised that I couldn't go on as I had and that I had to do everything I could to try and work things out with H - irrespective of anything else. I hope that your W comes to that decision too, that she wants to try try try as hard as she possibly can, because if she does, you will succeed.

Nick, I have admired your courage, your dedication and your ability to stay and work even though the odds have seemed remarkably stacked against you. I hope this is the beginning for your W - a turning point. Try not to rush her or push her - it seems she is coming to some conclusions by herself.

I wish you well, and hoping for the best of everything for you.

Regards from cold north London (well still cold compared to Thailand!!)

Lisa

I love to wake up and read good news. Sounds good, Nick.

S. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Wow, Nick - what a bombshell!

You know what to do. Good luck and keep us informed.

WAT

Great news Nick,

Feels like a huge sigh, huh. Good luck. be patient.

d

Nick ... I do hope there's a lot of this going around! How awesome is this?

Nick -- While you've noted your cautions, I agree that this is a significant turning point. Try not to push. You've been an example of patience for the most part and you can continue to be with a ray of light such as this. My best to you, your WW and your daughter.

Just when I need a boost...Wham, something like this..!!
This is great...keep it up!
If it weren't for this site the past few weeks, I don't know where I'd be right now.
Thanks so much for sharing Nick & everyone!
Keep us informed, I need to know...

I agree it is an excellent start. And especially because she wrote the e-mail on her own. Plan A is crucial at this time- and not being too pushy is good.

Although your W does not indicate what will happen in the future, whether or not the two of you succeed in reconciling, it is an important step for her to end this relationship. This relationship is not healthy. It is built on lies and deceit with a morally bankrupt man who would stab someone (you) who has helped him in the past-in the back.

Regarding a no contact letter- more important than the letter is actually doing it- having no contact. The most important thing perhaps is to talk about it with your wife, to tell her that you know it will be hard for her at times, she may feel tempted to call, and that her honesty about any contact (if Om tries) will help you not hurt you.

My H never sent a formal NC letter. However, once he made his choice not to leave his family, the OW knew that her dream of grand love, where her fantasy man leaves his wife and kids to run off into a romantic future with her, was just bullS#$t. Her interest in my H dropped hugely, and she knew she only had limited time to patch her own marriage back together. Likewise my H had woken up to the reality of the A. There were some dribble and drabble of phone calls, but that was it. So if you feel contact has stopped, it may not be worth it to insist on the MB correct form of no contact letter. Unless OM just doesn't get it and keeps contacting her.

However, I do want to point out Nick- that this advance comes after you reached the end of your tether and started to appear serious about separating. In other words, the threat of losing you for real woke her up to reality in a way that even the best Plan A could not.

That's why it's Plan A and Plan B. Plan A helps, but Plan B (or at least the threat of it) is frequently needed. Otherwise the WS has no real motivation to end the A.

Dear Nick,

I am so happy for you-this is a real turning point I feel for you-both the email and the fact that she cc'd it to you.

Plan A to the max now !

I have to say that this has given me hope for my own H also as he has also been in prolonged long distance contact with OW.

What will you do re your plans to separate now?

Regards

Deluded

You believed my post last time, didn&#8217;t you? I did. You also believed what my WW wrote in her post, didn&#8217;t you? I did. Fooled! Here it goes:

Yes, WW wrote OM (and cc'ed me)

<strong>
- She can't go on like this
- She thought that he was the answer to her search of happiness, but in fact, the answer to happiness can only come from her within, not from others
- She said that no, she wont ever move to him, as not to deprive our daughter of her father (me)
- She is going to stay here in London;
- She wants to "work on herself", become happy, as from her happiness depends the happiness of our child and the happiness of "the person who lives next to me"
- That he is the "most free" of all 4 people involved, he isn&#8217;t helpless
- That she "always admired Nick's moral, human and professional qualities"
</strong>

So far so good. You remember, I also mentioned that

<strong>
Specifically, I've got several questions, which I still ponder and don&#8217;t know the answer to. For example, the letter DID NOT say anything about stopping contact, or that it's over with him for good. Also, it DID NOT say that yes, she intends to stay with *me* (it said instead that she wants to be in London, so daughter has easy access to me).
</strong>

Well, yesterday at the MC's I got my answers:

1. Yes, she has been in contact with OM all along
2. No, she doesn't intend to stop contact with him. She calls him always, when she is happy, when she is sad, it's someone who understands her, that she can never ever forget him etc etc
3. She wants to "focus on herself" as the letter says
4. She doesnt really see a future with me at all, but that remains to be seen "after she has done changes herself"

MC said, well, her double focus / contact with OM isn't really helping, that I must feel betrayed, that we cant really make any progress and that under these circumstances we can&#8217;t have a couples therapy. Can't agree more!!

And then the bombshell: WW told that at the age of 6 she was nearly/partially raped (I didn&#8217;t know this). Apparently, a psycho attacked her when she was on a public toilet. She never was able to talk about it as in her culture these things are brushed under a carpet and not talked about openly. She told, she didn&#8217;t know until our first night whether she was actually still a virgin or not (she was). This led her to have huge difficulties to open up emotionally, sexually. (True - I always wished we had more affection, intimacy&#8230; but always hit a brick wall. In my emotionally illiterate years I would just get angry at this as I interpreted this behaviour as rejection). And for the coup de grace - OM was/is the only person who she trusts emotionally so much, that she could/can relax and open up emotionally so to experience SF on a completely different level.

Where does that leave me? Pretty angry, clueless, hopeless and frustrated and hurt. Down goes the rollercoaster.

To be continued.

Nick -- I am so sorry that what had seemed positive has twisted into something negative.

The MC is right. You cannot counsel as a couple or continue to hope for reconciliation while W is still in constant contact with OM. You have to let go through something akin to plan B. I kept thinking what if I did X, etc. etc., but it really does come down to the unpleasant reality that while they are in contact with OM or OW, there is not much that you are doing that is going to change things. The work you did in plan A is important and has shown that you are capable of change and better understanding. Unfortunately, until WW sees the full picture and puts into practice no contact with OM to give your M a chance, then you will be effectively banging your hard head against an even harder wall and really hurting yourself in the process.

It's these glimpses of hope that keep us all going and not giving up. I still believe that plan B is not giving up, but is giving yourself back a part of your life. I think about WH every day, but the pain has lessened.

As hard as it is -- and I think we all wanted to believe it would be different for you -- it's time to make a change for you. Your WW is still deep in a world that makes Nick out to be wrong no matter what. Every time you change something, she reveals yet another reason why she's no longer "in love" with you or why OM is so much more special. Obviously, none of us agree with what she thinks, but she keeps moving the target. Time for you to move it completely.

Again, I am really sorry to hear this.

Nick, I am so sorry. How disappointing.

One of the most frustrating things about this is that if she had moved in with OM and REALLY spent time with him, I suspect her idealization of him would have already worn off. IF she spent everyday with this guy, had to negotiate with him, make joint decisions I suspect she would not find things easy at all, given his character. It is so unfair to you- in a sense, she should feel emotionally close to her faithful H, who has stood by her in times of turmoil and confusion, but instead she devotes that feeling to someone she's never lived with or dated in the real sense of the word. Someone she really doesn't know.

I do believe that she is idealizing the SF. Yes it's easy for something new to be HOT when you've settled into a marriage's more predictable routine. But when the newness wears off, there's nothing left.

I think it's good she told you about the abuse issues. Helpful to know that she has been dealing with that. Did she ever tell you why she wasn't able to confide in you earlier in your relationship?

Her comments in her e-mail to him indicates that perhaps deep down, she knows what the truth is about your character. But she really remains committed to her point of view.

Has she ever been able to articulate what exactly about herself she wants to change? Do she have a goal or plan for her own personal growth? I know she has alot of career and independance issues. What exactly is she doing to further those goals?

I agree that MC seems pointless when there is this third party hovering in the background. How can she even look at you objectively?

I guess it's up to you Nick to decide how long you can handle going on in this relationship with your wife. I do think she has vastly underestimated what life without you would be like. Have you thought about how to proceed from here?

Nick, I am so sorry, this is awful.

So MC is faltering and is unlikely to be of any use while she is in this frame of mind. But IC for you is still a good course of action. You may find the support useful.

Now you need to think about your options. Stay as you are and wait for her to wake up? That could go on for a long time if you choose to stay. Meanwhile, she is not meeting many of your needs and has not done so for a while. You risk becoming resentful towards her and worse, stopping caring for her.
Or you could separate and go to Plan B as you were considering. A risky strategy in this situation.

Which feels right for you and why? How much more can you take? Remember Nick you can't change her , just you. You owe it to yourself and your child to retain your dignity and self esteem through all this but also to feel you have done all that you can do.

My thoughts are with you

Deluded

Nick-

I'm sorry to read that she plans on continuing contact with this OP. I'm sure you expected further bumps in the road but it's a shame she hasn't seen the light with regards to her poor decision making. Why can't people understand that a key ingredient to happiness is doing the right thing?

Anyway, it looks like you'll need to re-evaluate what you're willing to put up with given these recent developments. I still say you're in good shape for success with Plan B provided you could somehow get her out of the house. That and somehow keep the LB from going to E in the meantime. I wish you luck with all of this Nick...Hang in there.

OK - wow - see what happens when I can't get on for a couple of days and everything goes up and down in your world Nick...

so - what's my take (for what it's worth)...

don't let this swing you too far either way

now to explain...

it took a lot for your WW to write that letter and to CC you in on it. A lot of guts and understanding that it is important to be honest to Nick... cos she could just have sent it to OM and not you.
You understood this and quite rightly thanked her for this.

Continuing to be honest in your counselling session was also a very positive point I believe. In the past it seems that she has resisted telling you her feelings at all. So a step forward....

But what to make of what she told you? Well again this is all my opinion (from my own experience) so may not apply but...

just because she has started being honest with you doesn't mean that she suddenly knows the truth. I would surmise that she has realised that she has to be honest to move forward at all. That she has to be honest with both you, Nick and OM. That she has to be honest with herself. But after so many years of deceit (telling you that she and OM were in contact all the time was a big step) how the hell is she going to know what she really thinks, wants or feels??

And the last thing she (probably) wants to do is for you, Nick, to suddenly think it's going to be all peachy. Now of course you know, and we know you know, that it isn't going to suddenly be alright, but your W doesn't probably know that you know that. That make sense <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ?

So what does she do in counselling? She deliberately pushes you away and tries to assert her own independence by telling you that she is not going to stop speaking to OM; that she is not sure she wants to be with you or to work on M etc etc.

But don't get down about it Nick. This is an incredible start to a new corner. Now round the corner may not be you two getting back together but if your WW manages to retain this honesty and you can find the strength to give her the time to work on herself then I believe that you will both come out with a much better R which can only benefit your D. However no one would blame you for not having the strength to continue - you have given and given so much with nothing in return.

I would suggest that rather than this huge split between Plan A and Plan B you look at Plan A as working on you. Maybe continue to talk with WW about moving out but perhaps not going to NC. I don't know? Brainstorm yourself to see what you can take but don't be down. There is so much positive that you mustn't let the fog that is causing her comments in the counselling session to blind you.

I hope this makes sense - I'm tired and typing too fast. Stay positive Nick - you've come this far, and after all you are the long distance runner man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />