I don't know what is going on anymore. As you know my H spent last three weekends with OW, even V-Day weekend. Before every weekend getaway he was sweet to me and also when he got back. He even sent me a txt msg to my cell saying that he loves me and that he wishes things were different. After spending Feb 7-9 with OW, he said to me that he missed me very much and that he wants to end his A. Said that he'll do it on his own does not need my help or anything like that. Was very nice to me and even took me to a restaurant. Opened up to me a little bit which was nice.

He also mentioned that the next two weekends he is spending with her as well, that this was something he planned long time ago and that he cannot back down now. He was sorry about V-Day and that he is not going to be here. I asked him not to go; I told him that by going he is showing who he loves more (shouldn't have said it). It didn't matter he went anyways. I wasn't home when he got back and he was not pleased. Sent me more txt msg saying the same thing as before.

However, he came home a changed man. He does not want me to touch him, does not talk much to me, and is not interested in our D. Said that he feels sometimes that he is cheating on me and on her. But she can touch him and they make love, talk everyday and I am not allowed to do those things and he is my H.

Then the 3rd weekend of Feb he spent with OW and her kids. It was a fun weekend as they went away. I told him before he went that I can not tolerate this anymore and that he needs to end his A. He did not say much, did not make promises like 2 weeks before.
When he got back, did not sand me any msg to my cell and also not very interested in talking to me. Every time he goes away with her he changes. He comes back and acts like he is an alien and does not know what he is doing here (at home).

We had a very brief talk and he said that I don't love him, and that we can not be together b/c I would never forgive him for what he has done. I said that we would need counseling to deal with this. He said he does not want to do counseling. He also said that basically anything I do or say drives him nuts. Then all the sudden, he said he found a car for me. Went out and bought me an SUV?! The next day he bought new appliances and sofas for our new home. I asked him about this and said that I will not be able to pay for all of this by myself if he is planning to leave. He said that he would not be buying this stuff if he was planning to leave, hugged me and gave me a kiss (in the store).
Then when we got home he said that he wants to pay off all his debts including things we bought (except for SUV) with the money we saved for the down payment on the house. I don’t want to do this. We took a 12 month no payment plan, we wanted to do this before and in a year we would come up with money. But now he wants to pay off all this debts. It’s like I am not going to be here to pay for all this, so I rather pay for it now, and basically I should worry about myself how am I going to pay for mortgage. With my earnings alone I am not going to be able to do it.

Then the next day he called one of our friends and made arrangements to meet with them at a restaurant for dinner. He has not seen them in a while. He was bragging about the car, and other things we bought. Then the next day he invited some of our other friends over to our house. Only two couples came, but he would touch me, play with my ear, and hug me. It felt as if he was showing that we are OK. Nobody knows that he is cheating on me. Then when we went to bed, he turned the other way and did not want me to touch him.

He also spoke to OW, couple of times that evening. She called him, he went upstairs to talk to her. He is not planning to end contact with her. He talks to her everyday and she calls him even when he is home. It is my fault as I did not set boundaries, and even if I say to him now that it hurts me, he does not care.

I felt like he is just acting, pretending in front of our friends that everything is OK. I mean he bought me a car, appliances etc. so it shows that things are good. He is playing them and me along, continuing with his plan whatever it is. I think he is going to abandon me and I will be forced to file for separation, and he'll say that this is what I wanted not him. Well if he is going to leave to another state supposedly for work, and I know that this is not entirely true, I will need to protect myself and D financially by filling for separation. He is playing smart.

Once he said to me, that in the end he is going to be a good guy. This was 3 months ago.
He is doing all this pretending as if everything was OK, but it is not. Should I tell our friends? We have a huge party this weekend, and all this time he would not tell me if we were going, but I learned on Wed, that we are going, should I tell them there that things are not so well. I was planning to talk to his best buddy asking him to talk to my H. Good/bad idea?

I don’t know how to explain his behavior. I mean he bought all those things for new house, he did not have to, and he also did not have to buy me an SUV. On the other hand he said to me once, that if he leaves me I would be set, meaning that he would buy all this stuff.

I feel like I am sinking. I made so many mistakes along the way that I am not sure I can save this marriage. Just couple of weeks ago he sounded sincere when he said that he messed up a perfectly good marriage and that he really wants to end it and that he is going to do it, just does not know when. Now he does not say that anymore. I gave him till the end of the month which is today, but he has done nothing about it. Said to me that he did not promise me that and this is what I wanted. Should I then move out? I mean I thought I set my foot down and thought he’ll listen, but he does not care what I say. I can not tolerate him treating me this way.

Should I plan B him or stay in plan A?
How would you explain his behaviour?
Should I tell our friend about his A, or is it too late and this would be Lbing?
Please, please help

<small>[ February 28, 2003, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: thisisnotright ]</small>

just wanted to bump my post...please respond need your help badly

I feel so bad for you. I'm sorry I don't have any legal advice for you in this situation. The ins and outs of S and D are definitely not domain. I can tell you one thing. He is certainly "playing you". He is keeping you dangling while he has his fun and that is totally not right! Do you feel your M is over? My FWW decided on her own that our M was over so she could have an affair. I guess it made feel better about it. She just convinced herself that since she had no M it was okay to do what she did. There was one hinderence though. She didn't ask me first.

Your husband seems like he's going through a crisis right now. He is in a very selfish time in his life and doesn't care who he hurts. I can tell you this...what he is doing is totally against what God wants. Here is another fact. When his life comes to an end, he is going to wish someone had talked to him about his actions. There is nothing worse than having to pay for your selfishness for an eternity. I would suggest that you do speak to someone who you think can break through that wall he has built around him. Someone who believes in God and His ways and is close enough to your H to get him to listen. In the meantime, make sure you are walking the right path.

With Prayers,

Jetes

I am so sorry for what you are going thru right now. I really think it is time for you to stand up and be counted. Don't let him walk al over you, you deserve better.
Have you talked to a lawyer about what you can do to protect you and your daughter if he does abandon you? You really need to figure out what is best for you and your daughter. It doesn't seem like your H is watching out for your best interest..
I think once you really go thru with your deadline you will feel stronger. And if not you always have us to lean on. Your husband right now is in a fog and getting it both ways. IMVHO it sounds like it is time to plan B. And let friends and family know the truth.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
SH01

PLEASE follow the advice you get here and the advice you got from Steve H!

The last time I posted I encouraged you to go see a lawyer.

PLEASE go for a consult ASAP in order to learn how to protect yourself and your daughter. That is one of the most important things that you need to do NOW.

He is in the FOG. He is in an ADDICTION. He is SICK. You have to be the rational one in order to protect your family.

Also reread the LOVE MUST BE TOUGH principles and try to apply them.

These are my two major recommendations for you now.

Take care.

Mimi, stillh, jetes thatnk you for your replay.

I am so confused I am not sure how to react to his actions. In a way I am thinking he would not be spending all this money on things for a new house if he was not planning to be with me. On the other hand maybe he is just playing me along and is continuing on with his plan so that at the end "he'll be the good guy". I once overheard him saying to OW that he has a plan to end it with me and that they would talk about it when they get together (that was back in January). Maybe that's why he has changed a little bit towards me for a while, as he thought I would buy this.

We do not talk almost at all, when he gets home from work. I don't know anything about him anymore. If I ask how was his day he would say "fine" end of conversation. IF I mention A he would say "here we go again". It's like he has nothing to talk to me about anymore. Does not ask me about advice on anything, does not talk about work. He comes home and treats it as a hotel. I am going to book an appointment with Steve for Monday or Tuesday, even though this is very exensive for me. I relly on you guys as you always give good advice and it's free. Thank you.

I know he is spending our savings, but I can not freeze his account as he would get angry at me. He is still giving me money every pay, if I freeze his savings he'll stop giving me money, this would be huge LB on my part and I will be left with no money.

I think he is confused, and still does not know what he wants, but b/c I have failed to set boundries he is playing me and having fun with OW on my cost.

How should I approach this problem. I mean I was firm when I said that he has till the end of the month, he only said that if I want him to move out he wants 2 weeks to find an appartment.
I don't really want him to move out, but to end contact with OW. He also told me once that if we get back together we would need seperation in order to work things out? He is probably planning to seperate once he moves to another state for work and to be close with OW.

Right now he knows I love him and that I want him to end his A, but he is not taking me seriously as I let him be away with OW 3 weekends in a row without any consequences. I feel a need to do something otherwise he is going to be using me even more.

Mimi I have read Love must be Tough, but I am not sure how to use it in my case. Do you have an advice for me, how should I approch my H with this. I feel that it might work, but I am afraid that if I word it not as he wants to hear it this will be it.

Please help

I’m no expert but I do know that in either plan A or B you are not supposed to do anything that enables the A. At this point keeping his dirty little secret for him is enabling it. He’s got this great deal going on, he has his OW and you’re the only one who knows it. He knows what he is doing is wrong or he would not be playing house with you in front of the world.

Expose it, put the spot light on it and see what happens because your right thisisnotright.

Oz

Yes, Tell your friends and family.You need them.May I ask..how old are you?

Tell friends and family. They will be your allies. That's what I did.

A lawyer can answer your questions about finances. Better yet, killing two birds with one stone, Do you have a friend that's a lawyer?

The Love Must Be Tough technique is aimed at saving your marriage. It is to help things!!

I will be back with you later. I'm rushing now.

Lynda

I am 27, H 30, together 9 married 3 yrs.