I know how hard it is to get threw an affair,you have to give yourself a lot of credit, for working threw the pain and staying in the marriage.And for forgiving and putting it behind you.I know I did this.But what happens when after a few years..he does it again? How many of you have been able to get threw it? I need to know.#2 is so much harder than #1.I have never had an affair.My H and I were happy I thought,he just can't turn down willing women.

Yup, that's me! The first time, I told him I'd forgive him "this time" as soon as I found out.

I cried, but was relatively calm. He seemed a mess, remorseful, spent the last 2 yrs. telling me how he was so sorry for hurting me, would never leave me, if he lost me it would be a big mistake, I was the best thing that ever happened to him...

(the 1st A lasted 3 weeks out of 4 he spent on a job out of state) I figured she was far enough away, I was pretty sure of NC after he was home a month or so.

Anyways, 2yrs. go by, we're doing ok, I trust him to be working 2 1/2 hrs away, home on weekends...
BIG MISTAKE!!

We obviously didn't learn the lessons from the 1st A!(False Recovery?)

THis time, it hit me like a ton of bricks...I hit him, went crazy, "I" threatend to walk away...from kids, the house, the whole picture...just couldn't handle that he would do this to me AGAIN!!

This time, the OW lives in same city as he's working, she's separated, 3 kids, $$(doesn't work), the first time the OW was much younger, single, Nurse...

Anyways, after intial mistakes, I'm now in Plan A, will see how it goes.

We obviously should have counseled after the first time, but I thought "this would never happen to us", "it would certainly never happen AGAIN" I wish I knew about this site then.

What do you plan on doing?

I'm letting the dust settle...

Learnin, How did you find out about #2? I too was calm with the first one..And handled the second one differrently.I called his mother! Told her what her son was up too.He started getting phone calls at work from his family..telling him how wrong he was. Then my heath fell apart.My knee snapped, had surgery.,on lots of meds..Two years later I am still married but not happy.Yes we tryed M/C.Yes, he still works with her.But claims NC...tells me to trust him! And that I need to forget about it.Well I did try to forget.Not able to.I do not think he is cheating now.But...I thought that before.This is so hard.

I felt him pulling away for several weeks, not coming home as quickly after work on weekends, leaving earlier on sun. nights, etc.
Then the weekend before Christmas he gave some lame excuse about not coming home(studying for his elec. code course & not wanting to travel back down for just mon. & 1/2 day tues. to work)
On the phone, I'm asking what's happening, he says " I don't know what to tell you, we'll work it out when i'm home)
When i hung up I decided to get in the car and drive 2 1/2 hrs. to get more than "I don't know what to tell you out of him", half expecting to Discover something but hoping not.
He wasn't at his apt., his roomate & girlfriend pleaded ignorance (but they were scurrying trying to find him!)
I finally got roomie's girlfriend to spill the beans( I even knew who it was, had my suspicions about his new "friend" pool partner, that I had met on previous visits)
Roomie found him, but he wouldn't come to apt. to meet with me, knew I was angry...
Tracked him & her down in a bar, and when I saw them, I just lost it, started hitting him, screaming, how can you hate me this much, totally out of control(especially for me)
The cops came, after we were outside, H told them I didn't hit him, otherwise I prob. could have been arrested. At the time I didn't care.
It was ugly.
Cops were very nice, respectful(understanding when they got my story) and drove me back to my car.
I waited for H, OW drops him off, they kiss(UUghh!)
I ended up spending the night, and next day, many tears, anger(he had the nerve to be pissed, saying they were just "friends", I owed them an apology, embarrassed her in her home town, blah, blah)
The next few weeks were spent making the usual mistakes, crying, pleading etc.
Now in Plan A, much calmer, control on anger, H confused but notices change in my attitude.
Still have hope.
Check my other threads, also under PlanA/B at first.
Talk again, gotta go.

Hey LM,

It seems as though we really are on the same wavelength today based on our seemingly identical posts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm now wading through the murky reality of my H's A so I can't even imagine having to go through this again.

I asked my question about repeat offenders because on days, such as this one, I spend a lot of time wondering if this is all worth it, especially since my M is so new.

Are you regretting not bailing after DDay #1? Do you think if you had flipped out and let him really see your pain the first time and not been so calm that things may have worked out differently? Learin, what do you think?

Need some encouragement I guess.

CB

CagedBird, Your young and have no children.If you really love him.. stay and trust.I should have flipped out after affair #1 this would have stopped my H.He said he wasn't hurt with #1..I was quite about it,didn't make a fuss.That was a mistake!! Do I wish I would have bailed after #1?I was pregnant with 3rd child.With 3 little children it is very hard to walk.So I am not sure....

Hi Linda,

I am sure sorry you are here. But to answer your question, I would not tolerate another affair. I only stayed because he convinced me his affair was an aberration of behavior and that he had changed. If he had another affair, then I would know it was not an aberration, but a PATTERN of behavior. I have no interest in being married to such a person and would find it impossible to love someone I could not respect.

It took me a long time to ever regain any love for him as it was. And he had to WORK very hard and make major changes to regain it. Anyway, that is how I would handle it, I would move immediately to divorce and not look back.

Hi, I have to add my 2 cents. check out my story on today's topics.

I am dealing with affair # 2, and in some ways its way worse and in some ways, it's not.

The worse stuff: it's hard to dismiss it as a mistake, slip, lack of judgement, not reflective of you in any way, or a comment about you desirability (which OF COURSE) it isn't, but it's just harder to get around that part of it second time. I have started to consider that H has a really big problem that we will not get over, ever...oh I could go on.

the way in which it's not as bad: It all feels familiar, the schock, the phases of rage, grief, depression...you know the steps, you know what you have to do, what has to be said to H about what was wrong, what needs rebuliding.

I don't know about you, but with us I think there was a "false" recovery after the #1 time, so maybe, just maybe, NOW is the time for the REAL work, for the real messages to be gleaned from this whole mess.

I think it was on Oprah or something that I heard: you keep going to the same class, or experience or whatever, until you are really really LEARNED the lesson that had to be learned. I hope that the case with me and you, and I hope that it's true!

Take care of yourself really really well, and your kids too.

Wow I am surprized at Melodylane..She may be right but I an hoping to keep my fanily together somehow.It is very hard,may NOT be possiable, but I have seen what happens to teens when the marriage breaks up and It is not pretty.This is not all about ME and what is best for ME.It is about the family.