TL,<P>I KNEW that there was a caring person, and a reason for your actions, below your hurting and tough exterior! You and I are so much alike. We really are. I read your H's entire post with my H last night. I want to share my story with you, as it parallells yours...<P>I've had a lifelong problem with my weight, and sadly, my affair and the aftermath are what has taken off 75 pounds so far. I have weighed as high as 271 pounds and as low as 135 over the course of our marriage (I'm in the middle right now). My H has ALWAYS been kind about my weight. He has NEVER called me a fat pig, or anything that even resembles that. He told me I was beautiful no matter what size I was. <P>We have horrible money problems. We have filed bankruptcy, and have, at several times throughout our marriage, lost vehicles, bounced checks and basically made a mess of our finances.<P>I am a horrible housekeeper. The kids used to say things like, "who's coming over?" when they'd see me cleaning.<P>My H had a series of emotional w/ slight physical (touchy-feely stuff, kissing) affairs during the 7th year of our marriage.<P>I stalked the OW who I felt was the biggest threat. I took my three kids with me, (they were 5,4 and newborn) blasted the tape she gave my H (Chicago music) and parked outside of her house for a full month. I then called her and asked to meet her, which I did on July 3, 1987. She brought her Bible, she said he loved us both but chose me, and she hugged me goodbye. A series of events happened that forced us to move, and we did -100 miles away from all of the women. THAT was the only way I could begin to forgive or forget. But as you can see, forgetting has been slow coming... even all these years later.<P>My H works 14-16 hr. days to provide for his family.<P>Now, how have we fixed all this mess?? <P>I'd like to tell you what I've done, what he's done... I don't want to bumbard you with it though. Please tell me if you'd like to know, if you'd like to email, if you like me to post it here. I want to be your friend. In fact, I am reaching out to you. I am not an enemy, although I have been an OW. <P>I am so pleased that you and your H posted. You have helped my H and me in ways you may never understand. I'd like to make some sense of all this, and you can help me in the process.<P>Love to you...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

My eyes are swollen from crying. Thank you so much for caring. My H and I talked for hours last night and have come to the conclusion that our marriage is over. I actually can say it's not Mia's fault now. Funny that I wanted to blame her for all of this, but I know that's not true. Believe me when I say this, hard as it is for me to say, but Mia really is a nice person. She stopped the affair even when my H didn't want to. I just couldn't or wouldn't believe him. Maybe I couldn't believe him because of all the "lying" I did myself to him about how I ruined our finances and ran crazy with the bills.<P>Yes, I'd love for you to continue to share your story and experiences with me. I can't begin to imagine how my H's post could possibly help anyone except maybe W's who are as unforgiving as I am. You can either continue to post here for the benefit of others, or you can send me an email. Let me know your address and I'll respond.<P>Thanks again for your support.

Here's some things I have done that helped tons:<P>I found a wonderful, nurturing, counselor for myself ONLY who deals with weight and self-esteem issues. I tried two counselors before her, and neither were good for me. You have to keep trying until you find the right fit. The weight matters, is possibly a protection against the outside world, like it was for me. As soon as I began to lose, the OM came along, just as I always felt would happen. A self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I used the weight as a <B>protection</B>. Maybe you too? Find a counselor, and dive in. <P>There's a book called, "When spending takes the place of feeling". It's by Karen O'Connor. The title kinda says it all, don't ya think?? Okay, so when it wasn't food, it was money. One or the other, or both, to curb the pain. Doesn't work, as you know. <P>I found a <B>real</B> support network. I thought my "friends" were helping me. You know the ones: the one's who help you shop and eat. They sabatoge (sp?) your efforts at every turn. I had LOTS of friends, I thought. Not really. I actually had a few very good friends who lived far away. I chose who I would speak to about my problems and tried to stick to it. It was hard. Those bad friends, the one's who are crazymakers, they stir you up, and then back up and watch the destruction. Do you have some friends like these? Pick and choose the people you will speak with carefully.<P>I learned to spend time alone. Just me. I learned to look in the mirror, deep into my own eyes, and yes, saying outloud the affirmations that I am "worthy" and "beautiful". I learned that a bubble bath, a good book, and listening to music can do wonders for an aching soul.<P>How's this for a start?? <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited November 11, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited November 11, 1999).]

Tired Lady --<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I actually can say it's not Mia's fault now. Funny that I wanted to blame her for all of this, but I know that's not true. Believe me when I say this, hard as it is for me to say, but Mia really is a nice person.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>WOW!! I have to say that again -- WOW!! I've hoped for a long time that you'd write something like that, TL. It's one of the most hopeful things I've seen you write. It nearly brings tears to my eyes!<P>Maybe your marriage will be over, but I believe you now have within you the capacity for forgiveness, and for improving yourself as a person. I'm truly impressed by your leap! You're seeing the truth now. You might think I'm weird, but I'm actually happy for you because I see peace in your future.<P>--andy

Tired Lady and new_beginning,<BR>I would love it if you would write me. I related so much to your stories. I would really like someone to talk to as I work through these problems.<P> mrstrucker@geocities.com <BR>Jaded Heart<BR>

jadedheart, you have mail <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

HI Sheryl,<BR> sorry to jump in. I was hoping you'd reply to my post "Spent day with W today......<BR> OH WISE ONE! Thanks Frank<BR>Hope all is well for you & H <P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Tired Lady,<BR> I know that you are still in enormous pain, but I think that you've turned a corner in the direction where you can rebuild your life, even if you aren't able to rebuild your marriage.<BR> Keep posting here for support. My next project is to do something about my weight, as well. Only problem is that whenever I decide to lose weight, I get hungrier than all get-out! <BR> Maybe we need to start a cyber weight-loss club!

The cyber-weight-loss club is a good idea, actually. <P>We all need support as we work on one of the most difficult things in the world - to lose weight. It's SO HARD!!! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>