Hi, JJ~
I forgot to do anything *just for me* this weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> But I've got a few things on my list and I ain't gonna let myself slide any more! The weekend was okay, pretty uneventful but not bad either.
I do feel better but it doesn't have a thing to do with hubby. It's about me. I feel better about me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I've been working really hard on how to disentangle myself (emotions) from my husband('s) and I'm trying really hard to do a balancing act and not become too greedy (so much so that I become completely self-centered).
Thanks for asking, JJ. I sent you an email and I'll check in with you in a bit.
Pepper and Susan~
As I've mentioned before, I'm a member of a few other boards. A couple of them are private and I've shared much of what is going on (and has gone on with me) on those boards. Instead of retyping, I'm going to cut my own words and paste them here in hopes that you'll have *somewhat* of a clearer picture. I've taken out any names and substituted the curse words.
These paragraphs don't follow a particular *train* as they are taken randomly.
Please keep in mind that these were posted over a several week period. Many of them are expressing my anger. Some of it's sort-of journaling. Some of these thoughts are when I *knew* that there was something that just wasn't right in my marriage and I was trying to figure out the *problem*. I didn't want to jump to conclusions and label him as abusive until I leanred more about it. JJ recommended a book to me The Verbally Abusive Relationship and I'm currently reading it.
here they are:
I don't know what to say, except that there have been many instances of abuse in our marriage (and one before we got married). I feel so funny saying that because I know my husband would scoff at such a remark.... that he was abusive. I'm confused. I don't see him as abusive but there are things that he's done to *put me in my place*. OMG. Not that he's ever voiced that he was putting me in my place...that's just how I felt afterwards. Mostly it's if I get too mouthy or laugh at him or something.
The one before we got married...well, I was pregnant. My cousin, husband and I were walking through the grocery store. I think I was making fun of him for the way he said something.... (We were 18 at the time) and my cousin and I were laughing. He walked up to me and squeezed my head with both of his hands...he squeezed right on my temples and I had searing pain through my whole head. Like a migraine. I remember immediately crying out in pain and sobbing because it hurt so bad. He said I was totally overreacting and that there was no way it could have hurt that much.
Once I slapped him because he was verbally beating me down. Every time I would try to talk or say something (I caught him doing something that was EXTREMELY offensive to me) he would talk and yell over me and he was EXTREMELY sarcastic. I didn't KNOW I was going to slap him before I slapped him, it just happened. One minute I was sitting there and the next my hand was stinging and he had me nailed against the wall, fury on his face, and his hand around my throat. I felt like I brought that one on because I slapped him...and I still feel that way.
A couple of years ago my daughter, husband and I were in the kitchen. I was cooking. I opened the oven door (it was really hot) to take out some lasagna. For whatever reason I put the potholder on the open oven door. It sat there for a few minutes getting hot. I think my daughter and I were laughing and joking around and he got p!ssed and grabbed the pot holder and slapped my chest with it (he didn't just slap my chest, he held it there). My chest was burned and I immediately screamed out because it hurt. It was summertime and I had on a tank top so it was directly on my skin.
He choked me in front of my daughter.
He's never hit me with an open hand or fist. He's kicked me before but I didn't (and still don't) think I recognized it out of anger. It's usually when we are playing around and he's had enough.
(In retrospect, though, I realize that his reactions, or actions, were out of anger)....
These are the things he does...he suffers from what I refer to as "little brother syndrome" (extremely competitive, simply cannot let me win ...especially if we are wrestling around or something...he has an older brother that was always mean to him). He has a short fuse when he feels threatened. If my daughter and I *play* with him, such as tickling him, and he says stop.... mind you, we will ALL (or so it seems) be playing and having fun and then on a dime he will say, "okay, stop". If we don't stop immediately he makes us regret it. Believe me. Somebody is going to end up in tears and it's all our fault because he didn't stop. When we wrestle around (hitting each other), if I hit him and it hurts then he will hit me back.... but he hits me harder and more times to MAKE SURE that I get the point. It's been long time since we've played.
This is all surreal and I have a furrow in my brow because...it's just surreal. If someone else were to tell me such things I would say it is abuse.... but when I type it about my husband and myself, it doesn't feel like it's abuse...I feel silly even putting that label on it. If you asked me, I would not ever describe my husband as abusive, he's kind, giving, can be really sweet and thoughtful. There's a nagging something, though. Something doesn't feel right but I feel like that is all in the past, you know?
I'm confused. I always feel as if I push him to those extremes. I honestly feel like it's my fault that the situation escalated so...but my logical minds says that I am not responsible for his reaction. What is up with that?
I'm not even going to get into the way he talks to me.
Since his job very much depends on his appearance he's made it very clear, and given me many pep talks about things NOT to say in front of a group of people. He doesn't embarrass me in front of people (well sometimes) or degrade me the way my father does my mother.
But, when I look at him I see a lot of good because he is a good person. I don't think he realizes what he does. I chalk it up to *growing pains*.
My daughter has started making observations of her own. Such as "Daddy, why didn't you yell at Mr. D (one of his work colleagues) for slamming the car door like you yell at Mama?" later on last evening he pitched a screaming yelling fit at me right in front of her, promptly ignored me the rest of the evening. Fell asleep on the couch. This morning he didn't wake me up and I didn't hear from him all day until I called him (usually he calls or comes home around lunch time).
Exactly. I hate to see the term abuse being abused. Hubby has done some terribly mean and manipulative things (such as threatening to o.d. on his insulin if I left...this was years ago, though...since then I haven't really threatened to leave) and he's choked me twice.... once in front of my daughter. BUT, it's not those physical things that bother me so much. It's the way he talks to me and the things he says. AND, it's not a daily thing (mostly).
When I look at my husband I don't see him as a cruel and abusive person. I just don't see it. I see a loving misguided guy. He doesn't hit me, it's not a daily hell, but there are things, things that I'm noticing more and more that are unacceptable to me. Such as the way he treats me (in front of my daughter) and allows others to treat me (such as his mother).
We had a huge argument this afternoon when he got home from work. It was huge. I didn't back down. When he told me I wasn't "woman enough to admit when I'm wrong" I just laughed at him. I DID admit what I was wrong about but I refused to take responsibility for his p!ssy-arsed screaming tantrum. I also said, "I admitted it, Mr. Sel, but it just isn't good enough for you. I've admitted it more than once....does that make me more of a woman??? What about if I admit it 10 times....am I then 10 times a woman?" He said, "Yes". The *&#@&#! The PROBLEM was that I didn't admit it in the tone or in the way he wanted me to admit it....AND....I didn't admit it enough times for his satisfaction. Of course, it was MY fault that he reacted the way he did....but he did say that he shouldn't have acted that way (which is what he says every time he does it). He said he was sick and tired of me painting myself as a poor victim. I was like, &@(*.....if being a woman who has wants, dreams, desires and feelings makes me a selfish, emotional basketcase of a b!tchy victim, then so be it, I am one. "Not woman enough, my [censored]". heeheeheehee. That's f@$*@&!) hilarious. THAT'S just the icing on his winkie. LOL!
You know how it is...when you feel better about things, well things look better? That's kinda where I am at this point. Not about the marriage, mind you, but about the way hubby treats me. He's done some pretty mean things and I feel guilty about labeling them as abuse (especially when I see such things as my father does, and has done, to my mother <such as pulling a loaded pistol in her face and asking her if she believed he would blow her GD brains out, I saw him do this to her when I was a child>, and things like ___ and ___ posted). My husband doesn't do those sort of things to me but he makes me feel less worthy, unimportant, and he can have a pretty mean tongue and demeanor. So, I'm trying to figure out if he's just an a-hole sometimes or if it really is abuse. Either way, my husband doesn't have a bad nature (at least one that I've been able to realize yet) and I don't believe that he would intentionally hurt me and not care about it. However, that seems to be one of our problems because I don't know if he is on the up-n-up in the empathy department.
