Argh.I had a very brief, non sexual affair a year and 1/2 ago. I ended it right after we kissed the first time. I left feeling guilty, got some counseling and an attitude adjustment. I was advised not to tell, but have just read Dr. Harley's thoughts on the need to tell. I have a couple of reasons for not telling; if the reasons matter, I'll provide. I haven't seen the guy since I broke it off. He called for about a month after the kiss, until I made it clear that I couldn't even be friends with him.

To tell is the best medicine. One you will be radically honest with your husband. And two you will get this off your mind. How can you live everyday of your life being dishonest to your husband? Not easy is it. So to tell your husband, and discuss the feelings, and why you went there, and the counseling, and everything. I think he would be very pleased with you to tell him. If you want, you could have him go to the counselor with you, and then you could have the courage to tell your husband. But I would say, you seem like a reasonable person, and telling is the only solution to this.

A quick thought - If the roles were reversed,
wouldn't you want your husband to be upfront and honest with you? You have a problem somewhere that allowed this kiss to happen. How can your husband work on it if you are not honest with him about this? In short, honesty begets honesty and lies of omission begets lies of omission. Either you have an honest relationship with your husband or you don't. The choice is yours.

Hmm...thanks for the posts. Good points and well taken. I'm just not sure whether I should apply them to my situation or not. Frankly, Bryan if the roles were reversed (and the situation the same), I wouldn't want to know. I'm not sure I see the point.

I'm just struggling with the complete honesty thing. I'm not sure I buy it, but I do appreciate the input and will continue to search for the right answer. Thanks again!

Well I do think you have to be careful. I have noticed that some H's can be very unforgiving of their wives. And we have all been through the shock to the system of learning about betrayal. Your H will never see you in the same way again.

The first thing I would do is to analyze why you got into that state. What was going on with your M that you were looking outside your marriage? Have you recommitted to your H inside your heart? What about the conditions that made it possible for you to act in this way?

At the very least, you should discuss the conditions and issues with your H. Maybe telling him that you were feeling very disconnected from your M, what can the 2 of you do to reconnect and strengthen your M.

I don't agree that telling is necessarily the only solution. The main reason for telling is so that your spouse can make changes to better meet your needs, so your spouse understands the urgency of working on the marriage. So alot of it depends on the state of your M right now, and why the A occurred.

Kim,

I am a bit surprised by your response. You would really not wish to know that for a period of time your husband was having strong feelings toward another woman and finally it culminated in a kiss and that he was ready to do even more but stopped it and cut off contact. Wouldn't you respect your husband more by him telling you so you could work on the problem together?
It is interesting that the more you read the more you realize that honesty and communication is the key to a healthy relationship. When spouses withhold important events through lies of omission then you problems eventually come into play in the future. You say you are struggling
with the complete honesty thing. Reread what you just said. If you are struggling with complete honesty then what is the alternative? You wish to be in a relationship based on partial honesty?
I don't have any advise if you really felt that you were happy to never know that your husband had strong emotional feelings for another woman and would be happy not to have your husband ever tell you so you could live in blissful ignorance? I hope it works for you but I think it is a recipie for a broken marriage down the line. If you can't be honest with your husband then what do you really have? I wish you luck.

there is only one acceptable reason not to reveal this kind of information. If you intend to divorce, and/or do not feel safe (sort of a prelude to divorce/seperation), then you can make a decision to keep your privacy....BUT if you seek a successful intimate connected relationship with your H it is defined by the level of honesty in it....this particular lie (of ommission) is a big one, it will limit your success, there is no way to escape that limitation Kim, it is inherent in the secret, a consequence of the lie that will be between you forever.

From what I learned when I had an A 1 1/2 ago if you don't tell it will most likely be found out and it will be harder. My H can never forgive what I did to him and will never let me forget it either. Plus even after getting caught and admitting to it the OM lived away and I spoke to him on the phone and my H found out. So in my opinion I would defintly tell him. Also, in December the guy called me when he was in town for the death of his father and he called me 2x's and my H found out and I admitted it to him and now we have been seperated for the past 2 months and he is living with OW. My H thinks I spoke to him because I still had feelings for him, but I did not and do not. My H then said maybe I will disappear for a couple days, but I will probably be back, but never did, only for 2 wks almost only to leave me again for the OW. I don't think I will ever get my H back.

I appreciate the sincere feedback. Although I read it all with an open mind, I don’t believe Complete Honesty is a worthy goal to shoot for. I’m wondering, do you think total honesty is a prerequisite for intimacy? I agree that if there is a persistent problem in a marriage that is causing one or both spouses to cheat or consider cheating, it should be addressed openly and fully. I’m wondering if you would agree that total and complete honesty might not always be warranted, or even in the best interest of either party? Or, do you think it’s called for in ALL situations? One writer mentioned only 1 exception – in cases of abuse. What about…say…depression? Let’s say the betrayed spouse suffers from serious clinical depression? What if I had told you that my husband is unable to have intercourse, due to a life-changing injury? I can imagine a young wife or husband living under those conditions, easily falling into the arms of someone outside the marriage for comfort, affection and sexual needs. Is that a mistake that should be or needs to be addressed?

Obviously those are extreme examples. But, I think black and white logic can be dangerous when dealing with such important and possibly life-altering matters. As intelligent, caring people aren’t we obligated to consider many factors before making decisions that impact not only us but also our loved ones?

To readers who might be struggling with this issue, please consider what espoir wrote. Husbands (and wives) can be very unforgiving. Before rushing to unburden yourself by telling all, please consider your own situation – the current state of your relationship, the current state of your spouse’s emotional and physical health, the likelihood of “it” happening again, etc. Please don’t misunderstand my position. I believe affairs are serious violations of trust and sacred vows. To risk your marriage or your partner’s emotional and physical security by having an affair is reckless. Just don’t be as reckless in your rush to restore whatever it is that was lost.

Grrrr. I know there's a way to reply to someone privately, but how? My mind is not working tonight. I'm babysitting a friend's 2 kids for the entire weekend. I seriously don't know how women with kids have time for anything! I have filled the day with high energy activities and they are still bouncing off the walls! Amazing.

Kim,

Look for the icon at the top of thier post that looks like two people shacking hands next to an envelope.

<small>[ March 01, 2003, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: Capfo ]</small>

To your credit, you are trying to reach understanding (about honesty), not just accept it as a rule. I will give my opinion, then ask you a couple things, answering them will also help you clarify the truth....or reveal self-serving rationalizations.

kim... I don’t believe Complete Honesty is a worthy goal to shoot for.

la...Then you accept anyone can lie about anything anytime to you. Correct? No doubt you will say, of course not, they can't do this, do that....what are you then doing kim, you are defining for YOU what is ok. BUT if complete honesty is not a principle, then each of us decides NOT for us, but for OTHERS what they can know and not know...you can't do that unless you accept WITHOUT objection people lieing to you.

I am unwilling to accept others decideing what I can know about the particulars of my life...therefore I am OBLIGATED to be completely honest with others. How about you kim?

kim....I’m wondering, do you think total honesty is a prerequisite for intimacy?

la...It is impossible to have intimacy without honesty (the lies/secrets are absolute impediments to intimacy). You can have a fake intimacy, a phoney intimacy, a pretend intimacy, but never the real thing. The real thing can only exist with complete vulnerability, and that can only exist with complete honesty. Most do not have this, and most marriages are flawed because of it, are simply accomodations to one degree or another. Folks can and do live without complete honesty, but I wonder why.

kim...I’m wondering if you would agree that total and complete honesty might not always be warranted, or even in the best interest of either party? Or, do you think it’s called for in ALL situations? One writer mentioned only 1 exception – in cases of abuse. What about…say…depression? Let’s say the betrayed spouse suffers from serious clinical depression? What if I had told you that my husband is unable to have intercourse, due to a life-changing injury?

la...There are no exceptions, not even abuse, to the reality intimacy is a function of honesty. It is just obvious with abuse there is no intimacy, it is a dysfunctional co-dependentcy. The lack of honesty is just a sympton. You cannot be honest because it is not safe to do so. No one will be completely honest unless it is safe to do so. The only reason you won't tell is because it is not safe to do so, if you felt safe you would tell. So you will never achieve true intimacy. However, the risk you take in being dishonest in order to succeed at the lesser goal, preserveing the marriage at all cost, is that maybe it is safe, maybe the committment and acts of radical honesty will build an intimate relationship....but you will never know, and that is high price to pay for simply settleing IMO. The same with the depressive example, if someone, for any reason, is incapable of carrying their full weight of intimacy, then you should divorce them, you are not married anyways, you are caretaking. But that is your choice, many people (especially rescuer types) will settle for a caretaking relationship...but make no mistake, it is not true intimacy.

kim...I can imagine a young wife or husband living under those conditions, easily falling into the arms of someone outside the marriage for comfort, affection and sexual needs. Is that a mistake that should be or needs to be addressed?

la...Of course it needs to be addressed unless you want nothing more from marriage than an accomodation. If one cannot be faithful (for, whatever reason), they should divorce.

kim....Obviously those are extreme examples. But, I think black and white logic can be dangerous when dealing with such important and possibly life-altering matters. As intelligent, caring people aren’t we obligated to consider many factors before making decisions that impact not only us but also our loved ones?

la...Some issues are black and white, some are not, honesty is a black and white issue, easily understood, and there are no exceptions. What you do have to do is decide the level of intimacy you want, and that dictates the amount of dishonesty that is....um...allowed. But you asked if trueintimacy was possible with dishonesty, and the answer is NO.

kim....To readers who might be struggling with this issue, please consider what espoir wrote. Husbands (and wives) can be very unforgiving.

la...So what?

kim....Before rushing to unburden yourself by telling all, please consider your own situation – the current state of your relationship, the current state of your spouse’s emotional and physical health, the likelihood of “it” happening again, etc. Please don’t misunderstand my position.

la...Nothing to misunderstand, you are rationalizing lieing, and seeking validation that you can have the same intimate relationship with lies, that you can with truth...you can't. You can choose to lie to yourself about this (and deprive your spouse of the right to determnine their own lives by knowing the truth about you...thereby reducing them to your property to do with as you will), no one can stop you, but you are the worst kind of liar, one who steals anothers life, and says it is for their own good. If you intend to live like this, at least own it, that you will do whatever it takes to get what you want for YOU...

kim....I believe affairs are serious violations of trust and sacred vows. To risk your marriage or your partner’s emotional and physical security by having an affair is reckless. Just don’t be as reckless in your rush to restore whatever it is that was lost.

la...Has nothing to do with affairs, is a simple issue, honesty in all things. The truth is never reckless, if telling the truth ends a marriage, that is ok, cause everyone was on a level playing field, and each got to choose what they wanted, including ending the marriage.... do you have a problem with that?

<small>[ March 01, 2003, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>