No secret now, my W is having A. I found out two weeks ago. OM is married and lives 300 miles away so they only see each other every two weeks or so. She has moved in with her mother, but this can only be temporary. She says she wants to come home for a while until she can make other arrangements, though I think she just wants to be here when she can't be with him. I would still like to save my marriage (I've read HNHN, etc.) and was starting Plan A, but W is in complete withdrawl and says there is no chance and will make no effort. Fiancially it would be a stretch but an apartment or something could be done for either of us, but I am determined to stay and make a home for my girls (15 & 17), who know nothing about the A. W says her name is on the deed and I cannot force her out. I suggested that she could come home if she agreed not to be with OM as long as she was here, hoping time, distance, and home life might give us a better chance, but she insists there is no hope and that she still wants to be with OM when she can. Had she said yes I would have assumed that she was lying, so at least she was being straight up about it. Obviously I do not want to be a willing party to A, but I am in a tough spot. What would be the best living arrangement that will give me an opportunity to save the marriage?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rbbcnwy:
<strong>Fiancially it would be a stretch but an apartment or something could be done for either of us, but I am determined to stay and make a home for my girls (15 & 17), who know nothing about the A. W says her name is on the deed and I cannot force her out. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you can't force her out. But, don't let her force you out. Do not move out under any circumstances. It will be held against you later. If your wife will not end the A, have her move into a different room in the house.

Let me say it again, do not move out of the house.

Michael
Me 40
FWW 39
M 19
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC, IC

I agree with Michael that whatever you do make sure you do not move out. By the way it is a good idea to bring the affair out in the open and allow everyone to know what is going on. The Harley's believe when the affair is exposed to the light of day the ramifications of what they are doing sets in. Otherwise by keeping it secret you are enabling her to be a cakewoman who enjoys a stable family life and while at the same time allowing her to go off when she pleases to have sex with her lover.
If the OM is married please contact his spouse at once. The old saying: No consequences to her actions equals No motivation to change applies here. Hiding her affair from her family and friends simply allows her to continue to engage in this behavior. Do not make it easy on her to have an affair in secret and without consequences.
Good Luck.

Thanks. I really appreciate the input from anyone who can take the time. There is no way that I am going to be the one to leave, that is certain. She spent last night in another room and I think will continue to do so. Actually, my daughters now know there is someone else involved. They are hurt and angry but will not tell their mother that they know, and I feel that I should respect their feelings. I did have one conversation with OM (BIG mistake, see previous post) but have not yet involved his wife. I am just not certain on that issue. Wouldn't my W be pushed even further by this? And would it inflict more pain on another innocent? Should I do it anonymously or tell her who I am? I would sure like her to know, but should I be the one to tell her and damn the concequences? Again, I really appreciate all advice.

Again I would suggest that you contact the OM's wife and tell her who you are. Once the OM's wife knows then the chances are he will dump your wife to save his own marriage. In addition, it makes it so much harder for him to continue the affair if the OM's wife is on his case. By keeping it secret you allow him to continue to keep having sex with your wife and to continue the affair. Why should you make it easier on him and your wife. Let your wife have to deal with an angry OM's spouse who is keeping a sharp eye on him.
Again the more people know the more difficult it is to continue the affair. Of course your wife will be angry because you are making her feel the consequences of her actions. Contact the OM's wife immediately and do not make the affair easy on your wife.

Of course, your WW is going to get upset. And it will push her away. My goodness, how could you do something to disrupt her relationship with a married man? Anyway.....it will be one of those things that helps disrupt the appeal of the A and tip things in favor of your marriage. Even though most fog-bound WS can't see why you would want to tell, they seem to come around once the fog clears. However, no one is guaranteeing that the net effect won't be negative. But given your circumstances, it seems the chances are better for more positive benefits to a resolution.

Regarding pain on an innocent. Would you prefer not to know and have an A breaking up your marriage just to avoid the pain? In one sense, you are letting the OP's W know that her arm got cut off (you're just the messenger) and that maybe she would be interested in stopping the bleeding. Be careful of "damn the consequences" though. When you do tell, you need to be very considerate of the consequences to the OM's W. You don't want to let her know about the bleeding arm by punching her in it. Try coming up with a rough script of what you'll say and maybe you can get some feedback from here.

There were a lot of posts on this topic recently started by 20years. I think like this situation, the OM was unlikely to leave his marriage, so the risk of telling is lower.

FWIW, I don't think the "don't leave" is an absolute rule. If someone needs to leave (for whatever reason - let's say Plan B), and she won't, then it would seem that you have to.

Just curious, why won't your daughters let their mom know that they know? Aren't they interested in preserving the marriage? They don't need to condemn or or anything. Just let her know they know in helpful ways. If it's just conflict avoidance, then maybe "respect their feelings", but point out alternatives. Did you Ds find out because of you? Obviously it would be easier if they had found out independantly.

<small>[ March 03, 2003, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

FYI:

I think it helped my PLAN A to sleep in the same bed with my WS. I had first moved in another room but folks here told me to get back in my bed.

I certainly could sleep much better there.

JMHO

I was the one who finally told my Ds, but they both have decided not to say anything to their mother at this time. She desparately wants to come home but refuses to give up the OM. The disrespect that it would show to her Ds and me by allowing her to be here is just too much for me to understand or accept. She is calling me today to let me know whether or not she will force the issue. BTW, OM's wife is getting a call from a "concerned friend" today.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by est:
<strong>FWIW, I don't think the "don't leave" is an absolute rule. If someone needs to leave (for whatever reason - let's say Plan B), and she won't, then it would seem that you have to.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally disagree. Do not leave. If you won't listen to me, contact a lawyer, and get some advice. He/she will tell you the same thing mine told me, under no circumstances leave the house.

Couple of other things. Yes, short term, revealing her A to the world may drive her away. But, most A's do not survive the light of day, so in the long term, she will come back to the M quicker.

Also, I am a big believer in contacting the OP's spouse (if the OP is married). Not only will it help end the A, but the OP's spouse has a right to know.

Michael

<small>[ March 04, 2003, 07:10 AM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>