Dear Friends,

Well i have done all i can do. I am getting on with it. I am giving what i call my warning shot.
Please read and respond. History

On going affair, will be two years in july.
Says no longer physical, well lying is his specialty. I am going to use my expertice to become a PI
Told the true tail by a member of the "boy's Club" to which my husband belongs, secretly of course. Apparently he plays around on his wife. and doesn't want it out, told wrong person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Timing is everything. Anyway, i now have dates and times, places and a promise to call me the next time he sees them going anywhere together.
And i just got a call this morning, that didn't take him long did it.

So here goes with the letter i am giving him at lunch.

I have reach a point that i didn't know existed. I am exhauseted. I am completely overwhelmed by everything. We need to sit down and discuss issues concerning our relationship, where it is going and what we see happening in our future. I'm desperately alone, and now my family is moving away. I have reached a point that we need to make a decision. I know you say you have already decided to stay with me. And i heard you. However, actions speak louder than words. I know you are still seeing her. You say, i can believe you or not. Well, there are to many things that don't add up. I feel deceived and disrespected by your continued relationship with TJ. (even if it is like you say, not physical)
I felt cheated when i found out that you had been out with Joya in joplin at a club. Its just to much for me anymore. I know you are stressed out because of money. That you are frustrated and angry most of the time. Me too. I feel like i am about to explode. I'm scared, and I feel hopeless. I told myself that when i got to the point that i couldn't do it anymore, i would talk to you one more time. You know i try to avoid conflict at all cost. I hardly ever win, so what is the use. You are so much better at words than I am, You argue like a pro. That is not what i want. I want us to sit down and come to a decision that we can both live with. I don't want to fight or hurt anymore. All I know is we can't go on like this. We both say everything is ok, that "we" are doing better. Well, maybe we arn't. I keep lying to myself, and to you. Hoping that we (our marriage and family) will be ok, but it isn't working. I just feel horrible. I don't even respect myself anymore.

With all my heart

Why not go to Plan B?

notgoing,

You need to work on this before you send it.

First, decide what is the main point.

I think it is "I have had enough! Get with it or get out!" ... something like that.

There are lots of ways to say that, but if that is the message, then you need to leave out the other stuff. Part of your proposed letter is manipulation - trying to influence him by making him feel sorry for you. Other parts are just extra. They don't help you make your point.

The popular theory (which I believe) is that you need to approach this from a position of strength.

Your proposed letter makes you seem weak, helpless, powerless, hopeless etc. - in short, you don't make yourself sound very appealing.

If you want to win, you have to put aside your negative feelings for awhile and put forth an image that is positive, appealing, and interesting to him. Be the kind of person that you think he would like to live his life with. No, don't try to change yourself completely overnight. Don't try to become a copy of OW. But, present yourself in your best form - in your best light.

I'm at work and can't help much now, but I recommend that you wait awhile and get some help on this letter from others on this forum. It can make a big difference.

The main idea is to write the letter from a position of strength; not arrogant, but not begging either.

-AD

<small>[ March 03, 2003, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

I have been following notgoingtodothis, post now for two days. I think she needs her needs met.
You know what gets me, is these a**h**es are just spoiled brats.
What makes their needs more important then ours!!!!!!!! i am so sick of this Lbing and being to wonderful while they have their cake and eating it. I am tired of doing without. Is plan B supposed to do this?????????? what is the purpose of these as*h*les.....needs ..I say get dressed up get out there,or pretend to, to peak their interest again to just let them know that men so want you and would give you a tumble. I have been without my needs being met for over 3yrs. due to a severe crisis. Life altering crisis. I identify with Eleanor and Notdoingthis and it makes me sick to see good people get trambled on....in each case it's different for your dealing with individual tastes and desires.
The stripper one is a huge dilemma. I would rather go find someone else, but in respect to it all, on her side, I would think she would want to go find someone that wasn't into strip scene, it is hard getting back the intimacy that is ruin by a stripper.....only because of what they do...this will turn a man's head so fast there is no competition.......she deserves the best she is so sweet and her husband only sees her fighting for something he left along time ago....she has the chance while she is young to find someone that is not into strip scenes.....get out there and find antoher go on the divorce thread.......

I'm not rrying to hurt you,,,,but I have seen alot of this stuff......it is a waste of your energy and I am for marriage and working on it but wnen the stripper enters your life is over....there is no competition with a stripper. She is into sex and you want family stuff too.

Well, get dressed up and do your thing, let him wonder.....after all he is......I myself need advise on finding out who is causing my unhappiness, I think you should meet with her. telll her to back off or just go and do the same thing for yourself. I know this is against it all, but life is so..........short go find your mate as I should do I am going on 10 yrs not married and I feel cheated..especially what igave up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 11:23 PM: Message edited by: BarbT ]</small>