Since I'm so new to this, I've been trying to make Love Deposits as often as I can and stay away from the LBs. Here are some of the things that I am doing. They are small, insignificant...but my hope is that I won't have to hear him say he doesn't love me anymore again and will realize that his EA with OW is the root of this pain. Please let me know if I'm doing the wrong things. My books won't arrive for another few days.

1) I tell him I love him everyday, he doesn't respond, but I tell him anyways.

2) I listen intently to everything he has to say, without interruption.

3) I've started to fix myself up more, wearing make-up and making sure my hair is always perfect.

4) I'm keeping the TV off to open lines of communication, should he want to talk (he really doesn't much right now).

I know that there are more things that I can do. Please help!!

kim,

You said on your mid-life crisis post that you guys were going to MC. How did that go?

Has your H admitted or came out and said he is in love with the OM?

We can't get in to MC until Friday. He is willing to go, but he doesn't seem very interested in it. I've given him an article on Emotional Infidelity in the hopes that he will read it and see what he's doing. He hasn't admitted anything. He'll hardly talk to me, although he will make eye contact. I'm just trying so hard to be nice, nice, nice all of the time so that I don't pull anything more out of the Love Bank. I don't argue (we never really have anyway), I don't cry in front of him and I don't accuse. I'm just letting him talk as he wants to and about what he wants to talk about. As long as he's still in my house, even though it's the other bedroom I can fight this. He hasn't spoken of OW since Sunday, and then he was still saying that they are just friends.

God, please get me through this.

I've got to go to work now. Only hope I can make it through the day. Everyone will ask about our "romantic" weekend. I'll have to put on a brave face and say how wonderful it was.

Pray for me.

i would like to reply more but I too am at work and need to do some.

I'll say a prayer for you. Do you go to church?

God bless,
D

K: It sounds like you are doing things that you would like him to do for you, not what he would like you to do for him. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with what you suggested, except that they are not likely to have as big an impact as you want (except maybe the keeping yourself as attractive as possible part). If he is the typical guy, you would be better off: 1) asking him for help with things, to show him you need him and value him and give him a sense of accomplishment, 2) complimenting him on the things you admire about him (be specific), the things he does for you (to give him a sense of accomplishment), and the things you like about him (no flattery, be honest) 3) spend time with him doing things he likes to do, but especially things where you interact in the process (ie, watching TV, even if it is a sports thing he loves, probably does not qualify) 4) have sex with him, where you are an active particiapant, and care about his side of things, too. Now, I'm not sure #4 is an option for you now, given he is(was?) sleeping in a different room, and I don't even know if you are capable of that, given how you feel about your relationship right now, but those are the kinds of things that have the biggest impact on the typical man.

The caveat of course is that no-one is entirely typical, and in many affairs, conversation is the main attraction, even for the man, so you also have to rely on what you know about your husbands likes and dislikes, and, if you can, your knowledge of what he is getting out of his relationship w/ the OW. It is possible that your approach is perfect (the undivided attention thing is always good, even if conversation is NOT high on his list of Emotional Needs, because a big part of filling someone's emotional needs is making them feel important (or maybe that's just for people like me who have a high need for Admiration...)), and that he was missing open and honest communication w/ you, and is getting that from her (or thinks he is). I just want you to consider some alternatives.

Hi Kim

I was a real doormat when my H's A was active. Dont know if you will agree to some of the stuff i did , but it worked and i have my H back with me and we are working on our marriage and recovery. Here goes...

1. I knew the problems in our marriage that caused him to have an A and i immediatly started to fix them. Example #1, my H loves sex, i didnt. If you are able to do this, and he is willing, go for it (he needs to wear a condom if you have any concerns about STD'S).

2. We had child raising issues, i never stood behind him in the discipling of our children. Went to work on this, now we are a team and stand behind what ever each other says.

3. 90% of the time i was *****y and irritable, H actually told me sometimes he dreaded coming home from work cause he knew i would be ranting and raving at him the moment he walked through the door.

I dont condone what he did, but that was my part in the breakdown of the marriage. I have now repaired all these issues within myself, and you know what i feel great, i love this new person i have become. That old me was not too nice of a person, and i am glad she is gone.

Do not LB, and no R talk (which is so hard, its like learning a new way of talking for me). You will get alot of help from the books.

Appreciation does wonders for adding to the love bank. Like thank you for cleaning the snow off my car this morning, or putting the kids to bed. However small the gesture may seem make sure you notice it and say something. Men love to be appreciated by woman. Compliments also a biggie. Gee i always thought you looked so handsome in that shirt. I know seems like you are doing all the work, well you are for now, hopefully it will pay off down the road.

Other small stuff i did was....

I make sure dinner is cooking when he comes home from work (before you freak out, let me explain my situation. I am a stay at home mom (or June Cleaver, lol) but before i was usually not even home somedays when he got home from work and dinner was not even started.

Cook his favorite foods and desserts ( a way to mans heart is through his stomach, hehe).

Any annoyancies try to correct them. Example, my H always said my car was a pig pen, called it the SS Garbage Scow, now i always keep it clean.

Keep the cupboards stalked with his favorite snacks. I bought those cookies that you love today. (doubt ow know his fav cookies).

Men love to be treated like they re the king ( i know they dont deserve it, cause what they have done), but in my case, no i didnt deserve this, but i did have a hand in it. So i loved him back to me and now we have a better marriage than we did in all 18 years we have been married.

I am usually on the recovery board, but dont seem to give any advice there, since i am in recovery myslef, maybe i can lend a hand here. I know i was a doormat, but i dont care it worked.

Lor, Orchid and others here i hope you still remember me, would love to hear a reply from you about this post.

Thanks for reading this.....A/C0810

hi. I'm new to this myself.. My wife is divorcing me after almost 9 years of marriage with two little girls.. She says I'm so hard to live with and cause her alot of stress.. she is now inlove with another man but says that it is not sexual.I really love my wife and want to make our lives wonderful.. mmy freinds say that it is not possible and so does M.E. I really want to make this marriage work but I'm out of time.. Ive asked her to go to MC and will agree only to be able to tell the couseor that it is over and thatc I have to accept it..I dont want to take no for an answer since I have a real desire to make this work.. am I crazy and should give up or do I fight to win her back???
I really amd desperate to save this marriage to the most wonderful woman in th world..

Hi Kim,

Right now, with your H in the state he is in, telling him "I love you" everyday is probably more of a lovebuster than it is a deposit. Hearing that, probably makes him more uncomfortable that it makes him feel good. I'd lighten up on the "I love you's" for sure. Continuing to say ILU when the WS has no intention of saying it back, makes you appear needy and clingy. You definitely DO NOT want to appear needy and clingy. IT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE, and will drive your WH further away. The rest of what you are doing sounds fine.

Another thought, get and read James Dobson's book Love Must be Tough. You can find it in most public libraries. It is a good companion to SAA.

In addition, you must find and get proof of your H's affair. There is no way for the fantasy bubble to burst and for your relationship to make a needed turn in the direction of healing until the affair is exposed. Without exposure, without the TRUTH, your H can continue to offer up the "no longer in love with you" excuse for his behavior, or any other lame excuse he chooses to use at any given moment. There's a reason he's no longer in love with you, it's because OW is in the picture. One of the reasons an affair thrives is because it is forbidden and SECRET. You can do something about the secret part.

An additional thought. Right now, we all realize you are overwhelmed with thoguhts about what is going to happen to your cherished marriage. Think about this, what does your H have to think about? Is he wondering at all about what he's got to lose? Maybe, but chances are he's so caught up in his fantasy that he hasn't given that much thought. You need to give him something to think about. Being needy ,begging, pleading and trying to educate him about EA's isn't going to work. Fixing up your hair and makeup, being confident and sure of yourself will give him something to think about because it isn't the reaction he is expecting. He's thrown you for a loop, he needs to be thrown a curve ball as well.

Plan A shouldn't go on for very long if you haven't been an Attila the Hun of a wife. You should acknowledge to H that you realize you have made mistakes and that you have played a part in the deterioration of your marriage and you should express and demonstrate your willingness to fix those things. You have a conversation where you assert these things. In that conversation you let him know that you realize that you cannot control him nor desire to control what he chooses to do at this point and that you want his ultimate happiness. Then you need to go about improving those things you know he needed and you did not provide. All the while you are improving yourself you need to demonstrate that you a perfectly capable of having a meaningful life of your own if he choses to leave. That gives him more to think about than if you're falling apart at the seams. Sure you can fall apart at the seams, we all did when we were in your shoes, but DO NOT let him see it. You can be honest and tearfully tell him how hurt you are but then you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go about being a better you, whether it be for him if he so chooses or for another ( someday WAY down the line) if he never looks back.

Please do a search of MiMi's threads and read from the beginning of her story until now. You will find the kind of advise there that has the best chance of saving your marriage.

All the best to you and God bless!

Wow, all great and wonderful advise. I think you are right, I'll pull the ILU out of the bucket now. I went to IC today, I was completely unable to function at work, at home doesn't matter. The IC advise was great. He helped me to understand what I am feeling, and has put me on meds to enable me to exert more control over my emotions. The last thing I wantis for H to see me fall apart!! I agree if I stay strong, determined and all of the while act like I'm unfazed by his need to make some choices it will be harder for him. Part of the reason that I think he told me what he did was to try to make me angry, make me cry, make me want to give up...whatever, just to make it easier on him and to give him some more ammunition to talk to OW about. I won't supply him with that, he will have to dredge it up all by himself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I also think that in some ways, I need to be a doormat. Not a complete doormat, but at least give him no opportunity to try to start an argument. I have little doubt that will be his next move, he's feeling guilty now and would like to push that feeling onto me. I won't let it happen.

It's nice to have my own IC, one that is on my side. He didn't necessarily tell me that H is wrong, said he hadn't met him so he wouldn't know what's going on in his head. But what he did tell me is that I need to keep myself under control, stay focused on solutions..not problems and to understand that there is light at the end of the tunnel (maybe not the light I want, but eventually I will reach the end of the tunnel). Either way, he reinforced that I am a strong, smart W and I will survive this. He also gave me some pills to help with all of this.

I'm grateful for all of your responses. I haven't been a regular church goer, but I'll be up early Sunday to attend and renew my relationship with God.

One more thing, sex is out of the question. H hardly speaks to me, let alone touches me. I'm afraid that if I run into the guest room naked, he probably would reject me. I think that it will have to wait for a little while.

On a good note, he did call tonight to say he would be late becuase he had to attend a City Commission meeting. This is a good sign, if he truly did not care at all, he wouldn't have even called.

Okay, I think this is a good sign. I gave H the article on Emotional Infidelity last night. I had doubts that he would read it, but tonight he came home and talked with me more than he has since D-day (Mar 2, a day that shall live in infamy). He said that he had read the article, and it was right on target. It was exactly the kind of relationship that he was having with OW. They had not gone P yet, but probably would have eventually. Strongly attracted to each other, and able to talk about their marriages with each other.

H voluntarily cut it off with OW today. Although it is impossible for them to have NC since they work together, they have agreed that they will spend no time without other parties present. They will no longer discuss their personal lives with each other. H told OW that we were going to MC and were going to have a serious try at working it out.

OWH also opened his eyes on Saturday night, and saw what was going on. I guess he thinks it has already been physical, I still believe it did not quite get to that stage and stayed E. OWH is making demands on OW, she is thinking divorce is only solution.

My question now is, do I give OWH a call (remember, we were all very good friends until this) and suggest this site to him? I don't want recriminations or anything like that. I don't even want to discuss H & OW relationship. I just want to try to give him some tools to try to save his own marriage.

Any thoughts?

John H -- You are brilliant.