Please read last few posts on this thread.

After a week since the big shake-up, WH seems much calmer(sincere or up to something?)

2 short phone conv. over the weekend, displayed much calmer demeanor, easy to talk to, no garbage coming out of his mouth. Nothing heavy,just car lease disc., kids, upcoming MIL B-day party, etc.

2 days of no contact with him. He called twice yesterday, but I was out both times, I did not return call.

Making plans for this weekends trip for MIL Party.

Should I ask him if he'd like to travel with us?

Should I inquire somehow about where he's at with the OW & relationship(suspect a crashing)?

What is a good plan A thing to do right now, after being hurt so much during last weeks fallout? It was a pretty heavy week, but I feel a turning point somehow, and want to tread lightly but yet do something.

Don't know how to proceed from here.
Any advice?

lEARNIN,

I would think that you do not ask him to ride with you and the children...to much of scenario of "everythings hunky-doory"...and with kiddies in the car no way to really discuss anything,,,

Makes things to superficial...to swept under the rug...to much of an easy out...to much like saying it'a ok for you treat us like crap and say really awful things...
when it isn't

I think you continue to have him live the consequances of his actions....
be kind
be smashing and glad to see him at the party....
be concerned about him...tell him you hope he is feeling better than he was last week..
tell him you think of him and worry about him sometimes...then let those thoughts hang there and sink in....even if he tries to engage you...just be light about them...
well ofcourse I worry about you...I married you because I care about you....bat eyes....flounce away...leave him thinking....

Good plan A is all about you....
I would suggest you iniate NO relationship talk right now...wait for him...
He owes you quite a few apologies...and if you push him...then it takes him off the hook in having to make the first move....
let him stew awhile
let him process...
love that he is calling frequently..continue to be not so available for calls...

learnin you are doing well.and have been very strong and brave...

make sure you are taking care of you.
ARK

Ark,
Thanks for your input and kind words.
I hate being so needy, but right now any feedback is helpful and keeps me going.
Hope all is well with you.

OW's H called me last night!

Is looking for "proof" that WH & OW are sleeping together. He knows as well as I that they are spending time together. And it has not been denied to me that they are sleeping together.

He says if he can prove it then he will go ahead with the Divorce(they are separated, her intiation I believe), if not he still may fight for her!

My God, I don't want them to Divorce, I don't want her available!!!

She is denying everthing to him, the affair, the jewelry, painting me as a whacko, medicated, nut case! (just for the record, no medication, LOL)

So it would seem to me that she doesn't want to lose her H either.( My dumb [censored] WH is ready to lose everything for someone who is just using him to pass the time, fill a need or two.)she even said to me last week, "Sometimes I think I should just take my H back, I'm treated like a queen, but $ isn't everything, I just want my H at home",(should tell her H that?!)

OW's H, said his lawyer will be calling me?! There's not much I can tell him, It's not like i have photos or anything!

I'd love to send OW's H the book "SAA" or "HNHN", and tell him that they owe it their kids to try to get past this.

I just feel this need to save their marriage, to give mine a chance. Then I think, they'll probably live happily ever after, and we'll still crash & burn!

Haven't talked to my WH in 3 days now, he's called a few times, but I haven't been available, he did not call last night. I'm getting anxious to talk to him, but trying to remain cool.

I feel this could be a real turning point, but know that it still could be some time before he realizes what has happened and what he needs to do. I'm keeping my fingers(&toes) crossed, praying, and waiting for any small signs of progress, hope.

How do I deal with OW's H & lawyer? Have I opened a can of worms?

up, just looking for my daily feedback fix!

learnin-

It does indeed look like you're at a critical juncture so I'd suggest you look at for your interests right now. The fact that the OW's H knows about the A is what's important. It's not up to you to build a case for him....and getting involved right now sounds like it could push your H away. Maybe you should consider telling this person you can't help him right now and to please not contact you? At the same time, stay distant/vague and avoid any serious relationship talk with your H. If he thinks you're seriously considering moving on, he'll come running...

Yesterday I get an overdraft notice from my bank!

I only keep the minimum in my checking to cover a couple of autopayments, one of which is WH's Disability Ins, I knew it wasn't me!

It's a joint account, but usually just to accomodate my small check, expenses.
Our other account is the one that WH uses to desposit his checks, pays bills (buys OW jewelry)etc.

Come to find out, WH wrote a check(took a packet of checks out of the desk when he was here last week & I was at work(time to change the locks, can I do that legally?)and a debit. Supposedly to cover a screw up in his check book, that he later found a double entry. The check was written for cash so he says, last thurs. "when
he was still angry".

I tried to remain calm. I told him I had other checks not cleared, Son's baseball signup, his date's corsage for the semi-formal, etc. He said he had money left in his acct, to get it out and put in mine. I'm not even sure what the overdraft charges will be yet! Hopefully it is enough to cover it. I'll find out today.

I asked him why he didn't tell me, & that we can't afford any extra stupid charges right now. He said well you didn't tell me when you did it last week.

YES I DID! (see early this thread) He was in such a funk over his relationship crumbling he didn't remember?! I told him so that he "wouldn't" write any checks and then I put it back when he convinced me that he had just sent out mortgage etc. He didn't say anything when I reminded him that I told him, cuz he mustve realized, OH yeah, I guess you did!

He said he did it when he was angry and he's trying not to be angry, he said sorry. But he didn't explain why he still hadn't told me!

I did stay cool but still letting him know that it had me upset, that "I" was trying to keep expenses under control, etc.

What the hell is up with him? I know, I know, the fog, etc. I;m just so tired of these games. Is his trying not to be angry a good sign?

I still feel we're at some turning point, things are crashing for him, he's out of control, he has to hit bottom soon, shouldn't he?

And then what, will things start to turn in our favor? I can only hope and pray.

UPDATE:
After last post, WH called me, 7:45 am as I'm getting ready to leave for work. VERY chatty, like nothing has happened over the past week and a half!!
Asked if I got that $$ out of his account ok. THat he'll make up any difference(Charges) over the next couple of weeks, etc.
Talked about his mother's upcoming party, wants to pickup 4-year old and take her up with him the night before.
Just very friendly, how do I interpret this??
IT makes me somewhat nervous!
I asked him if he was doing OK, he said yes and asked about me. I said I was fine.
I ended up being a bit late for work, 3 times I said I had to go or I was going to be late and he kept talking!!
What is going on?

LEARNIN

you hold steady...you be kind...but not to available to be to invlolved....
you thank him for attention to the matters at hand...

you leave him wondering a little....a little mysterious...

you keep the thought of how horrible he was last week to you...not to punish him but because he needs to deal with this...

no relationship talk...
be charming and smashing....but keep it brief...
you will be spending a lot of time with him this weekend...
look great...smell wonderful...how about bringing a dish that's a favorite of his...without mentioning the fact once that you KNOW he likes it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

hold steady and strong...continue plan A to work on you...to figure out in your head what you will tolerate in your future relationship with him...

you are doing goooood
ARK

Ark,
Thanks for the quick reply, I know I just have to keep my cool here and not be too anxious...
I have to keep things in perspective...
I'm hoping it's a good sign.

I agree , your doing good , don't get court up in anything . The nicer he is just be nice to , not needy nice just yourself , don't try to read to much into him thats when you could drive yourself crazy .

You do not know whats going on on his end , so be careful not to fall into a trap of consusming yourself with it .

What do you mean he is picking up 4yr ? only her did he ask you to drive up ? Does he know your going ?

Did he see the lawyer? OR was it just left at he was going and you do not know for shore.

If things are crashing with OW he won't let that out yet to you for awhile , he is not going to give you that satisfaction that you may of done any damage .

Remeber according to MB once exsposed it may take 4 to 6 mon . before anything comes to a head .

Coming out of fog little at a time .

Ark- is right just be the best most wonderful you and the rest I feel will fall into place .

New dress , some leg , hair looking good you know the drill and remeber when you look in the mirrior all the beauty that you see is YOU and for YOU , not for him ,YOU will feel great , YOU will love YOU and YOU know who YOU are .

A strong ,proud ,independnt , beautiful women who can go on and make it without any one else to make her feel that way except herself .

Ok enough pep talk , just think you can use one cause your doing so well I don't want you to loose site of that .

keep your spirts up and just keep going up from there , he will relize what he is missing .

I belive all WS get it no matter when ,it comes to them . Even the ones who move on . If its years later they regret not working on something so special . By then its there problem cause if it happens the BS by then has moved on with NO regrets cause they became the better person for themself and worked hard at there M and know they did all that was possible .

Ok time to go live in my hell for the day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Well be checking in on you ............Later

He knows I'm going to the party, but I'm going up and back in one day. So I think it's better actually for the 4 yr.old to travel that far over 2 days, he's staying at his mom's. He may follow me back sat. night for safety purposes!? It'll be a long day.

He just called me at work too. Just to keep me posted about state of checking acct...
He also got hit with charges because he had me take $$ yesterday...
He accepts responsibility, says it's his fault but that there is money in his acct now, If i need any....
God I wish I knew what was up with the OW. IT's killing me, but I know, you are right, I can't consume myself with it.
Thanks guys for listenin!

He is useing excuses to call you!!!!!!!!!

This could be very good , do not let it get your hopes up , THIS is JMO .

He did not have to call 2 x's alreay and this party gave him another excuse .

He is doing the calling that is a good thing .

Last year when my H world started to crassh , he would make excuses to comein house more offten and say things in refrence to future together .

DO NOT GET CONSUMED WITH THEM (ow)That will be a crash for you , belive me I been there and still am .

Get through this weekend , You are doing fine wrap yourself into work . Go get a pedicure .
(if I had the money I would send it LOL)

FOCUSE , FOCUSE ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How is son doing? Did you call him other night ?

If not call , and is he going to party as well ?

Thanks 3IAC,
Oldest S is doing ok, anxious for $$, just called me inquiring about his savings bonds...I'll prob. let him have a few. I did give him $30 the other night.
The guys he is staying with are trying to get enough $$ together for a fuel delivery, they have been out of heat & hot water for a week, using a small electric heater(scary.)
But he's dealing with it.
Said just now when he called, that he will consider making the trip for his grandmothers party. Maybe he can go with WH.
I know she would like to see him, he doesn't go up with us much anymore so hasn't seen her in a while.
I'm looking forward to this, 1st significant amount of time spent w/WH in weeks.

OK so I get home from work today and go to get my S's savings bonds.

SURPRISE!! They are gone!! All the bonds, several for each child plus the ones my MIL had entrusted to me for our neices & our kids to be given at their high school graduations should something happen to her.

Called WH, he admitted to taking them last thurs., wasn't going to do anything with them, just as well he hold them as me!(sametime he took checks, photos, etc.), says he was just playing by my rules now! But he didn't stay angry(I was playing it cool), I just said Could you please bring them with you when you come up tomorrow and he said he would.
Later...
Our 4-yr old D was excited when I told her she was going up to MIL's with Daddy tomorrow. She wanted to call him(she will rarely talk on phone), she was very talkative and WH was pleased and touched. WH and I again had a pretty good conversation afterwards, talked about job prospects for him(still nothing up here but was surprised that he had even inquired at his Local Hall!)
He had left a message for oldest S to think about going to the Party for MIL on sat. S told me he may go up with me.
These ups & downs(I know the proverbial roller coaster, I never did like those things!!)are exhausting me!
I asked WH if he would like to come up earlier tomorrow, the kids are off from school, he could take 12 yr old S to buy a tie for the dance. He said he will do that.
It's been almost 3 weeks since he's seen them, it was beginning to worry me.
I'm going to bed soon, I'm beat...If this takes months, can I keep this up??

BUmp

Well tomorrow is the party , got it all under control .
DID H pick up D today? Is son going up with you?

I hope so maybe you to can have time to talk ,and how did 12 s look for his date? I am sure great .

Well I expect an update when you get home all the details .

Look good , be charming and strong this is a family event he needs this atmosphere .

When there world is crumbling being around family lets them see what they are loosing , cause its never like this with OW .
This is what the 2 of you built together your history .

Ok got to go having a beer . Little ones aspleep and yes H out with Ow again . I am starting to think I am a baby sitter . <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Party/Weekend Update:

WH showed up fri. to get D to ride up with him. He was much later than expected though, had enough time for a quick supper with us. He didn't take 12 yr. S for a tie, I had to do that later, and didn't spend any of the day with the kids as expected!

But he was friendly, apologized for the things he said when he was angry the week before and returned the Savings Bonds. When they left I said drive carefully, I love you, he said I love you too.

Needed a haircut(always keeps it very short, very punctual about it!, not seeing OW???, so he let it go???, I wonder??)

He did still lead me to believe that he is still seeing OW though. He mentioned his birthday next week and I asked if he'd be coming home for the kids to celebrate, he said he wasn't sure what his plans were yet with a smug little grin(he once mentioned that HE & OW would be celebrating their B-days at midnight(they are a day apart!), so he made it sound like that was still the plan.

But I just DON"T KNOW, he may just be doing this so I won't know that I was successful in splitting them up.

PARTY: Oldest S & 16 yr.old came with me. Met up with WH at MIL's.
WH & I took D downtown for lunch and then he suggested we walk through town and out on Pier(very quiet seacoast town this time of year)
Very nice, pleasant, laughed, nothing heavy discussed.
Dressed at MIL's, I couldn't decide between two sweaters to wear(a ploy on my part!) In bedroom with him, I tried on both and he suggested the one I had planned on wearing, ribbed purple zippered sweater, zipped nice & low(for me anyways!), sz.10 jeans(down from the 14-16 at Christmas)I was feeling pretty good and was complimented a lot at the Party!!
Very nice time at the Party, (Good support from his family, offers to get away from it all at thier homes, anytime I need it, if anything I ever needed, just call, offers from the ones that live in that town, to stay with them over the 4th of July, we vacation there every 4th, Homecoming Week, the only time the sleepy little town comes ALIVE!, and I still plan on going!)The kids have a ball!!

Anyways, Party was fun, BIL beat the pants of WH in Pool, great to see, WH thinks he's such a great player(must need his pool partner, OW to be good!)I was good though, no sarcasm!!, just a little teasing!

WH looked good, but very gray, and heavier in the gut! Smoking like a chimney, something new over the past year!

He followed us home later, long day, he didn't stop at our house but drove straight through another 2.5 hrs to his apt. I called his cell phone when I got in, said I had a good time, he did too,asked if I had heard from 12 y.old about the dance yet, chatted a few minutes, and then I said drive careful and bye, I love you. He said I love you too.

Overall, it went pretty good. But sometimes I think I'm just giving him what he wanted all along, a breakup with no anger, bitterness or ugliness. It's the route he wanted all along, it only got ugly when I didn't play by thier rules or.

I suppose only time will tell. I guess I can do this a little longer...I wanted to touch him and hold him sooo badly...but I'm afraid I'm also feeling like I'm feeling a little less love for him, I'm so scared...and confused...

(Haveing a fantasy also; Hooking up with OW's H and showing up at their favorite Haunt, and having a happy good time...) Tell me this would be a LBing Bad Idea??!!

I can understand if he doesn't want me in his life anymore(not really?), but why doesn't he want to spend time with his kids?

He was always so proud of his family.

How can a minimum amount of time with them be enough?

Maybe what WH says is true, he's been away, on the road too long, he doesn't think he can come back.

Can he ever reconnect? I think if he's away much longer like this, he will never be able to come "home" again.

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