Hi I'm really new to this.. after almost nine years of marriage and 12 years of being together, my wife is leaving me. we have two beautiful daughters 6 and 3.. She says that the touble started four years ago when she go pregnant with our second child. she says that I've treated her like garbage and maybe at times I have..but I know now about my mistakes and an trying to make amends.. she is divorcing me and taking away my two girls all who I love so very much. She is also in love with another man who she works with.. he is everything I am not .. she swears taht she has not has sex with him but has only kissed him.. part of me wants to believe her and another says she is lying.. none the less I want to make this work.. she is not interested and says that she only wants me out of her life for good. Am I stupid should I let the affair run its course and hope she realizes that I wasnt that bad after all, am I beating a dead horse..I try to make those love deposits by telling her I love hewr and saying she is beautiful..but I guess I haven't kept my mouth shut with all the bickering..
I really want to make this marriage work,, but it seems that it is getting hopeless.. she hasn't told the girls and when it does it will be so devastating to the oldest for sure... I'm trying to tell her to stop seeing this guy but she works with him daily and he is going nowhere...in fact he may be leaving his wife... this really seems to be spelling trouble for my dreams..
I really ned a miracle!!!!

marathonman:

You've come to the right place!!! I hope that John39 will chime in here. He's got all the archive threads to help newbies get started working to save their M's all organized.

Your situation sounds like many on this forum. You should take some solace in that fact. We all tend to get complacent, even arguing with our S's over stupid things, and forget to show them how important they are to us. That's how these things tend to start. Affairs with coworkers are VERY common. But all As are fantasies, and usually within months of being exposed to the light of day, the fantasy starts to fall apart.

While this is going on, you've got a lot of work to do on yourself, to make you the best possible companion for your W and father to your girls that you can be. Read all you can about plan A. It's what you should be focusing on right now. If your W is serious about taking the kids with her and moving out, you need to find out what your legal rights are. You should NOT put up with your W exposing the kids to her affair partner - that would set a very bad role example for them and cause them a lot of hurt right now. She may be serious, or she may just be threatening. Only you will know the answer to that.

If you love your W, you have good reason to hope for a happy outcome to this, eventually. But it will take work, counseling (for you, first, then both of you if she will agree to go), reading all you can about infidelity and surviving it, and posting to forums like this one.

Please take care, and know that a lot of people here have been or are in similar situations.
♥ Qfwfq

She is not leaving the house.. she is asking me to leave and as far as I know she won't be bringing the guy into the house just yet.. she has to wait for him to leave his wife..she has already seen a lawyer, bank the whole nine yards.. She says that she doesn't love me anymore and can't stand the thought of living with me.. she actually says that thinking about the marriage being over gives her peace..dont know what sort of quick injection I can give to save it and open her heart but its getting very stressful inthe house and it really seems hopeless. I can't make her love me..but I really need a chance which she is notv willing to give.. this coworker guy who she is falling in loove with is going nowhere whicjh makes matters worse.. in fact theyare spending more time together at work and On the phone( at work and late at night).. she is sleeping in another room and our s. life has been no existant for over two months...

marathonman:

Why are you expected to leave? Are you physically or verbally abusive of her or your kids? If not, don't leave. Let her leave if she needs to get away from you.

See a lawyer yourself. Seek custody of your kids. Work on plan A!

Regards,
-Qfwfq

Whatever you do please do not leave your home.
Some courts can deem that to be abandonment even if it is consenual. She is having the affair and wants to leave your marriage so why should you leave the home? You need to contact a lawyer immediately to protect your rights. She has already contacted a lawyer and you will be royally screwed if you do not have one. Repeat tell her to leave the house because you have no intention of doing so. In addition, contact the OM's wife. I suspect the OM may not be telling her the truth. If they are contemplating leaving both their spouses I guarantee you they have been having sex. You need to get your head out of the sand and contact a lawyer now. Remember do not leave your home ever. I wish you luck.

welcome! your name suggests you're a marathon runner - me too! look at the whole thing like the longest race which you will ever run. I'm at it for 12 months now, counting. first of all, do a lot of background reading what is meant by plan A, B etc. secondly, DO NOT leave the house. all these decisions need to be thought through carefully - dont do any hipshot reactions now. good luck and please give us updates.

Nick:

"welcome! your name suggests you're a marathon runner"

Either that, or a dentist! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (but you'd have to be my age to get that one...

-Qfwfq

I "get it" ~Q~ .... and so does Dustin Hoffman!

Pepper:

Yeah, but you're... ...never mind! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' Qfwfq, the "Fall Chicken" of the group.

To make it easy for you: What Are Plan A and Plan B?

After that, you might want to read all teh infidelity-related Q&A pages, starting here: Coping with Infidelity: Part 1

Hi,

Welcome. I cannot stress enough. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. DO NOT LET HER TAKE YOUR CHILDREN. This can work it will just take alot of work...at least you came to the right place.

be well

ayslyne

Huh? Oh! Q, you mean this? (Gee, maybe I should just put it in a thread I start, and everyone else can reference it easily?):

You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%, providing you do three things:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

BTW, I got the dentist thing too, so even us young-un's know somethin' Well, at least I feel younger now that my arthritis is under control (no drugs!) - and we have a baby on the way!!! EEK! The baby at 45 I can handle, but 48 is too old to be father to a 3-year old!

John39:

Yep, that's the one. Maybe you should post it on it's own and bump it up for the newbies.

-ol' Qfwfq

Marathon man,

I could not resist responding to a fellow runner!

My advice to you right now is slightly off topic: go for a lot a long slow runs! Being a runner, you are probably already doing this, in this time of great stress.

Sorry for your troubles, and I would add that you should try to stay calm, regroup, and do not move out. Let the dust settle over the next few days/weeks, read up on all this, and be NICE to your WW (even though it's difficult!)

gotta go make kids' dinner...more later.

My wife has sworn on a bible that she has not had sex with the OM, but says that doesn't mean she never will. My wife wants to end trhe marriage since she says that I traeted her so bad over the past few years after she got pregnant with our second daughter..looking back I did not traet her like the queen she deserved to be treated. she is so P...off at me and rigtly so.. I guess I made my bed and now I have to lay in it..or as the old adage goes what goes around comes around.. and now its here and it really is too late..I've lost the woman who I love so very much and my family as well. the divorce is coming as she has no intention of giving our marriage an honest chance..she is so angry ...only a miracle will help save it now...I am grasping at straws and feel like a drowning man..there is no hope as far as I can see..

If there is a miracle worker out there,, I am desperatley inneed of your help!!

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE.

If she wants a divorce, let her do the dirty work, but do get legal counsel to make sure your rights as a father are not trampled by her and her attorney.

Marathonman-

You've gotten some good advice here so concentrate on taking care of yourself and let things cool down a bit. The first few months are the toughest (I've been where you are and can relate to your despair) so see a doctor, counselor, whatever you need to do to stay well.

For the short term, I'd second the others advice to get some legal representation and stay in that house. Also, try to avoid any big arguments or confrontations over her poor behavior as she's just not thinking logically. I know it's tough but you can handle it. Good luck and god bless!

Who am I trying to fool here, she says that she is leaving me anyway, affair or no affair.She swears that she hasn't had sex with him but it sounds like she would welcome the opportunity. why try to beat a dead horse, she is proceeding with the divorce and has no interest in reconciling.. I have said a lot of mean things to her and looking back maybe have not treated her like the queen she should she should have been treated. I have made the bed now I have to lay in it.. however looking back she started saying that the OM was her best friend a few years ago,, maybe I should have seen the writing on the wall then. either way looks like it is hopeless.. she does not love me and I can't make her come back.. It only breaks mt heart to know that the girls lives are going to be shattered.. My wife is convinced that they will be okay.. I really need a miracle.. to open her heart and learn to love me and let me love her.
Marathon Man

Who am I trying to fool here, she says that she is leaving me anyway, affair or no affair.She swears that she hasn't had sex with him but it sounds like she would welcome the opportunity. why try to beat a dead horse, she is proceeding with the divorce and has no interest in reconciling.. I have said a lot of mean things to her and looking back maybe have not treated her like the queen she should she should have been treated. I have made the bed now I have to lay in it.. however looking back she started saying that the OM was her best friend a few years ago,, maybe I should have seen the writing on the wall then. either way looks like it is hopeless.. she does not love me and I can't make her come back.. It only breaks mt heart to know that the girls lives are going to be shattered.. My wife is convinced that they will be okay.. I really need a miracle.. to open her heart and learn to love me and let me love her.
Marathon Man