Funny thing, my H phoned me yesterday just to tell me that he'd heard some info through the grapevine that further confirmed that OM is still happily living his life, like nothing's happened, still married, his wife still in the dark. It would seem he's also still drinking lots, going to bars, flirting with young girls, the whole lot. H told me how he felt like "outing" OM. I told him I wished we had done that months ago, and that I felt the same way. I told my H that I felt that we (my H and I) had lost a lot more than OM ever had to lose, and my vengeful side wonders frequently about ratting him out. But I don't think I should do it. Coming from me would look like pure revenge I figure. That and as some of you may remember, another problem is that I work with OM, even if I've become a pro at avoiding him or ever having to interact with him. He leaves me alone too thankfully.

I guess I should mention that OM was originally threatening to report my H to the police over some car sales he'd made last year. Apparently it's only legal to buy and sell a certain number of used cars in a year, and my H thought he may have gone over that number. That was OM's blackmail to keep us quiet. We've since determined that is not really an issue, my H has done nothing wrong. We were just dumb and scared when the threat was made, so we kept our mouths shut. Also, the intent was to give OM a chance to confess to his wife.

At this point (so many months after my H found out and we've been separated), I guess what we both worry about is are we doing this to hurt OM, or because it's the right thing to do?

Should we do it? Isn't the best revenge living well?

What are the pro's and Con's of telling OM's wife?

Has anyone else been foolish or chicken enough to not rat out OM to his wife (or OW to her H) for months like this?

Am I just wasting my time thinking about this for more than a minute of my day?

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

PS: Hey, on the positive side, at least my H and I are on the same side over something for once!

It would seem to me this would be a big plus for your to score points with your husband by informing the OM's wife. Your husband has told you he wishes she would be informed. I think your husband would look quite positive toward you if you did this. You would be showing him how you support him. I say do it.

Wow, Jen, this is a tuffie.

Usually, I personally am of the "big mouth" club - just short of putting up a billboard, I say let the truth be known! But that's when the affair is ongoing. In your case, I'm not so sure.

Before I forget, read the links imbedded in the link in my sig line to get a full perspective.

Clearly, she has a right to know. The question really is, "Who should tell her?" Clearly, again, this should be her H, but we know that won't happen.

I'll stick my neck out here and say either you or your H are justified to spill the beans - in the absence of any one else doing it. Not for revenge, but to clear the air. In addition to informing her, I believe it will be helpful to your and your H's recovery - even if the recovery is only individual and not as a couple. Better yet, I'll propose that it's better if your H does it than you because, well, just because.

Look at it this way. You and your H are suffering. OM's W is in the dark, therefore suffering from ignorance, and OM is reaping the rewards of your and everybody else's knowledge of his crimes. OM is the only one untouched.

My Dad taught me that what is right to do is what you feel good after. Imagine how you'd feel if you or H squealed.

Jen:

before answering your question, I should note the change in your convo with your H. This sounds GOOD.

As to informing the OMW. How do I feel about this? HELL YES, TELL!!! It sounds like the OM is a manipulative @$$hole, and is in the process of repeating what he did with you with these gals at the bars. His W has a right to know before he brings home some creepy crawlers or a kid she didn't carry, and ruins a whole herd of more relationships in the process.

Remember, I stewed over whether to tell Mrs Meat for about 5 months, until I heard that she found out herself. Not only that, she had found out about their first A something like 8 years ago, and didn't tell me. And by not telling me she robbed me of the opportunity to make my own choices and maybe even help HER out by working on my M with full knowledge of what was going on. Not to mention preventing the A from reigniting. In the end, although my "guilt" for not telling her about the A in January last year was obviated by her finding out on her own, I probably would have informed her if she hadn't found out on her own.

The risk is driving the WSs together. Since you're not bloody likely to be driven to the OM because YOU are doing the "outing", the only risk here is what it might do to his M. And since he's living a lie to his W, she's being robbed of the opportunity to decide for herself whether to work on her M or throw the rat bass turd out on his keester. She deserves to know the truth.

-ol' Qfwfq

I guess I'm just afraid of what me outing OM to his W is how he could easily retalliate professionally. What I mean is he could tell people that we work with that I slept with him to ruin, and I mean RUIN my career (we're middle school teachers, the school district isn't that big).

I also worry that my contacting OM's wife will look vengeful on my part. Really, that's my only motivation, I don't much worry about her feelings. I just don't think OM deserves to still be happily living a lie.

Would an anonymous outing, via a letter be a bad idea?

Why am I so reluctant to do this?

Jen (banging head on brick wall again, need ice somebody!)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
<strong>I guess I'm just afraid of what me outing OM to his W is how he could easily retalliate professionally. What I mean is he could tell people that we work with that I slept with him to ruin, and I mean RUIN my career (we're middle school teachers, the school district isn't that big).

I also worry that my contacting OM's wife will look vengeful on my part. Really, that's my only motivation, I don't much worry about her feelings. I just don't think OM deserves to still be happily living a lie.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jen,
If I remember correctly, both you and the OM are middle school teachers. So, if he tells people he slept with you, he will also be putting his own job in jeapardy. I think it's a hollow threat.

I am a firm believer that a BS has the right to know, always. She deserves the opportunity to know the truth about her WS and decide for herself if she wants to be married to him.
Michael

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
<strong>I also worry that my contacting OM's wife will look vengeful on my part.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is why I suggested your H do it.

Another approach would be for your H to tell OM that he (OM) needs to come clean with his wife, and he (your H) will do it in X days to confirm.

This is a mess and I won't pretend to know a perfect answer. No matter how it's done, you will be identified and the school district will likely find out.

WAT

I remember that in your first posts here, you stated that you could not change jobs because of some job contract issues. Well how about waiting until the next time that the opportunity to change districts comes, you take it and then tell OM's BW?

Jen,

Teacher to teacher, May is coming, but, do you live in a place where teaching jobs are hard to get or do you teach special ed LOL, I do and i could have a diferent job anytime, (i think)
anyway. I would tell him i was going to tell her unless he left, just a thought. I would tell her in a letter, stuck in her car, no fingerprints or anything.
Boy, i have been doing this to long. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I live somewhere that jobs are going to be hard to come by this year. Yet more cutbacks by a stupid conservative government being run by a former alcoholic that never even finished high school.

The upside of that is that one of my H's female colleagues at his school is SOL, her job's more than likely to be cut. I'm just so devastated for her, and for my H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The downside is that there will be little or no movement within the district.

For me, to leave the district is to lose nearly 10 years worth of reputation building, and having to go to square one, and work for some nearby crappy rural school board. Call me selfish, but I don't want to go.

OM told me a while back that he is going to look for another job, but won't just take anything that comes up. So, maybe what I'll do is wait for him to leave and then rat him out. Or maybe try the anonymous letter under the windshield wiper trick...good one Notgoingtodothis! I could just say, "Your H slept with his best friend's wife, that's why he never talks to him or her anymore. Just thought you should know!"

Jen

OKlahoma, or ??? me oklahoma sucks to be us.
I personally would do it for you??? I would love someone to do it for me. TAKERS???

Jen - take it or leave it - anon notice is a cop out. Just another form of deception.

Looking long term - 20 years from now - you will be better off personally if she was told honorably by OM, your H, or you. Do what is right, or don't do it at all and carry this load for a long time.

Anything less than right will haunt you.

I really, really believe your FULL recovery - and that of your H - depends on it.

I'll shut up now.

WAT

WAT, I see your point, I really do. It may just be a huge step towards healing. And I guess doing the anonymous note thing is a copout. I'd never know if she got the note, unless I plant it and spy and behave like a nut. I'll try discussing this with my H again the next time we talk. I like the idea of having my H and/or me tell OM you have until XXX date to tell her, or we tell her. It's a reasonable and adult way to do things. I could live with myself if we did that.

Thanks AGAIN for your input WAT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jen

Jen, I'm really glad you see it that way.

It's the "living with myself" thought that I was trying to communicate.

I don't for a minute pretend that this is easy. It is damn hard to do. But what would life be without difficult tasks?

I hope to meet you and your H together, someday.

WAT