I'm so very confused. I try so hard and still get shoved into the dirt. My husband brought his girls to my house over the weekend. We haven't been as close as we were for a while. He went from sharing our bed to sleeping on the couch again. I'm trying so hard to not call him and to let him have his time, but I feel so used. He comes around on weekends. Normally when he has his two girls and has a couple times when he doesn't. Otherwise, he goes out on the weekends and parties. I've mentioned us catching a movie or something, but there is never time for that.

The last major conversation on our relationship that we had, he told me that he was confused. He told me that when he comes to our home he doesn't want to leave and then beats himself up for feeling that way.

I did nearly EVERYTHING for his girls this past weekend. I even went as far as buying some Good Nite pants for his oldest girl who keeps wetting her pants because neither he nor her mother is concerned that the child has continuously got a rash.

Anyway, I don't know where my marriage is heading. I feel like I've given my all and am getting little in return. The only thing I have to hang on to right now is that there have been no papers filed yet and that he had the money and the opportunity to do so, but didn't.

So, do I do plan B, try a better plan A. I'm just so hurt and confused. I want this marriage to work more than anything, but I just don't know how to get him to open up and see that our problems are minimal. Even my counselor, who talked to him one time and talks to me every single week says that she feels our problems are all minimal and something that can be worked through. He says he's afraid that we'll just get into our old habits once again. Well, of course we will if we don't work through our problems and talk them out and work together on them.

I need to calm down, but it's so hard.

Please help me!

Ferbie,

I know you will get some help, unfortunately, My marriage is such a mess, i don't dare. ugh. Any day now i will get it but until i do i stay., ugh
s

Ferbie,

Time is on your side in showing him all the changes you have made permenantly in you life...
showing him changes that have occurred because of no matter what happens in your life relationship YOU have decided to become a person who behaves differently....

Time is also your personal enemy...because if I have heard anything thing in your posts it is your anxiety in wanting this all fixed...

You have come a long long way...you have faced many nights and alone and found out that they don't kill you...that you can do it...

The time may be to pull back a little from meeting all these weekend needs...
perhaps not be so available...or go out if he comes over...as if you have something wonderful planned...

If you truly feel ready...and truly feel you have done all you can in plan A...the think about plan B....but it has to be 100% NO CONTACT....with a contact person about the children...and strict guideline on how to communicate about the children

My opinion is that the worst thing you could do is to really start pushing him on relationship issues....that in your anxiousness you will sound like the old you....
and it will hurt progress you have made...
My recomendation is not to push relationship talk...pull back on contact/communication...not out of hurt or sulleness...but because you suddenly are not so focused on him and you....
Just be to busy on a weekend to be waiting for him to come around...have you tried that at all?

Also what about no more sleeping on the couch..that before it gets to late in a evening thank him for coming over...and scoot him out the door....
Also if you have children together what about him watching them and you going away for a few days....

Perhaps it is time to show him strong independant you...whose happiness is based on you and from within you....

Your last post was really quite full of good news...even though you are having a difficult time seeing it..
ARK

Ark, I am having a hard time seeing much positive in anything that has happened even though it seems some of you on this site and my counselor see it. I guess I just want him to say, "I care and would like to try." That's what I want more than anything. He's fighting with himself all the time. I want him to allow himself to accept my love and not feel guilty and to allow himself to feel the love for me that I know he has and not feel guilty.

He's stopping by tonight and I thought about telling him that I couldn't keep living in this stalemate any longer and to ask him to commit to attending counseling for AT LEAST two months either with both of us going weekly or going alone one week and together the next or ask him to do the counseling and the second month come back home (keeping his current house for the month) and allow himself to stay here and feel everything he felt before and just see how things can be. But part of me is afraid to do this because I'm afraid he'll chose to be alone and end things.

That's my fear more than anything. I think that is why I'm so full of anxiety is because I'm so afraid that it's over.

You asked about being gone for the weekend. I have three children and never get away. He knows that I'm always home because I'm not one to go out and leave my kids much. None of my children are mutually his although my youngest only truly knows him as her father. I just wish something would give!