I found a half-written letter from my W to someone she had a "crush" on while we were married. The letter was dated about two years after the crush and was gushing about friendship and compliments and whatnot. Not explicitly romantic, but still worth a couple of stomach turns.

So anyway, my question is, where is the cutoff for an EA? Does it need to have mutually acknowledged feelings? Or does a one-sided crush qualify? (A friendship that this particular "OM" chose to deny completely when asked in a nice way by me - so obviously it wasn't so innocent)

Just a semantics question for me. And this is pretty trivial compared to my W's actual A. But like I said, the letter still hurt.

<small>[ March 04, 2003, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

its kind of the same question as what constitutes an affiar.
giving your heart,thoughts,feelings for ,or excessive attention to another is betrayal.is it cheating?well she,s cheating you some feelings,some attention,all of her heart.would it matter if she was cheating with a real man,a inernet prowler,or a fantacy person.the thought and inititive is still there.she still has a desire to be with or express feelings for someone other than you.

if i read your post right this has happened before.so most of this you probably already know.you are questioning about the OM.it doesn't matter how the other man feels or what his story is.its your spouce that counts.

if another man would persue your wife and she refused him would she be cheating,not hardly.if she chaced after him,it reallt doesn't matter how he handles it.she is still cheating you.

Hi est,

This is kind of long, but yes, I think EA's can be one-sided, without anything feelings or actions being specifically mentioned. Sometimes people fantasize about OP by putting more meaning into what OP actually say to them or about them. In my case, I did not return the sentiments or attraction.

I found myself in a similar situation last year. There was a very nice man who helped H and I with a couple of business transactions. Married, two kids, lovely wife, the whole deal. At first, he would call me to check the status on things. I had just delivered a baby the month prior, so I was still asleep when he would call. Before long, the calls came everyday around 10 am.

At first, I enjoyed the attention, thought he was just being nice, etc. But then it got down right uncomfortable. H didn't notice, even when this guy called and asked to talk to me instead of him. I would wave him off and say 'You talk to him'. Not once did this guy proposition me. I guess it was the way he complimented me, calling me 'SuperMom', I was so talented, etc., all said in 'bedroom tones', if you get my drift. He would give me what I felt were inappropriate hugs, a little closer and lingering than just a friendly squeeze, and sometimes I would catch him looking at me, especially if I was nursing my daughter (in the car, covered up). I thought it would all be over once the business transactions were completed. But that took almost two years!

The calls stopped for a couple months, then started again. He invited H and I over to his house with the kids. We went and I talked to his W for most of the time in the kitchen. Then all of a sudden, he offers to show ME the house (not H), and took me into the basement??? Getting chills yet? A small voice said "Sit on the stairs!", so that's what I did. The tension was awful, and after some very awkward conversation, ending with me asking what our SPOUSES & KIDS were up to, we went back upstairs. I stayed as close as I could to H the rest of the time. When we left I told H I thought that was the last time we would see them socially. He asked why, and I just said it was a feeling I had.

I had no knowledge of EA's until after H's d-day in 11/02 and I started reading up on A's in general. I was shocked that this had happened, and felt sorry for this guy's wife. She MUST have known why he took me down there. I talked to my H about it, went over all the details. H was really angry. He asked me why I didn't say anything to him about it, and I told him I thought it was just me. I asked him why he didn't notice, and he said he did, but he thought it was just him! Go figure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

H saw him at the store after Christmas, said he invited us to 'get together and catch up' sometime. H just thought "You [censored]!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks for the replies. I really liked EJosef's sharing and showing an example of how even one-sided feelings can manifest themselves in hurtful ways.

Fortunately, my W agreed that whether or not this was an EA didn't so much matter, but that these were inappropriate and hurtful feelings. And we agreed to NC regarding this person last night without issue - almost enthusiastically even.

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

I am not commenting about this specific situation, but the idea of calling unspoken feelings an EA is troubling. There is a condemnation that goes along with labling something an A whether emotional or not that may not be warranted in every situation. Every marriage has rough spots, and everyone thinks from time to time about what it would be like to be with someone else. While I agree that the thoughts can be hurtful, and should be addressed, the S who resists acting on them or communicating them to the OP is to be commended for resisting the temptation and sticking to their vows. I know that lust in the heart is adultery, but no one is without sin. Obvously you have to satisfy yourself that there was no communication, but if you believe that, spend time looking to what ENs were not being met, and what led to the feelings, rather than condemning the S that felt that way. Finding such a letter is very unsettling, but if she kept it, she may have wanted it to be found on some level, and may be calling out to you to work on the M. That means that she really wants you, not someone else. Just a thought.

Bruised,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Here's some more info about my situation that may help (or not).

I agree that labelling certain circumstances as an A can carry extra baggage that is not neccessary. On the other hand, it is important to recognize inappropriate actions/feelings from the background attractions. I think part of the fog-ese is the "just friends, so its not an affair" phrasing. And the letter (and unmentioned phone calls) was definitely inappropriate. This letter was a definite milestone on to the start of an A.

The second thing I wanted to say was that my W did after a EA/PA later on, but we're in recovery now and MC w/ SH and the MB philosophy.

Third thing is that the letter discovery in the recycling bin of a pile of books, so the "call for help" was more likely a "secret that forgot to get destroyed." And I know my W does want someone else. Just not the consequences, so she's here with me (and pretty happy about it most of the time). Not everyone has 2ofakind for a WS.

Sounds like you guys have worked out what is best for you, and are on the right track. I did not mean to imply that you were wrong in the way you approached it. Sounds like you agree with me that you should be careful about throwing around the "affair" accusation, but you had already thought through all of the issues I raised, and there were some other factors that I did not fully pick up on. I agree that in some cases, calling it what it is can be a good way of making the WS see the truth, if they are really that obsessed with the OP. It just needs to be a case by case analysis, and you did that. Good luck with everything.