Hi, I'm feeling really confused and depressed because of recent happenings and hopefully through this board I can get some advice, help, or at least just reassurance. Here's the situation as best as I can describe it.

My girlfriend who I've been with for 5 years and lived with for nearly three years told me last week that she wasn't feeling good about our relationship and she was thinking she wanted to move out. She was saying that she still loved me very much, but she felt she needed to make a change. I had known we were having problems so I picked up a couple books as well as checked out this site for help on making our relationship better. Not only that, I got in touch with a marriage counselor and scheduled an appointment for us. My girlfriend agreed to go to counseling with me.

That brings me to this past weekend. I really started communicating with her and tried to see things through her view point and change the ways I related to her. Right away things started getting better. We had a great time all weekend. This was capped off on Sunday by the most passionate and loving sex we've had in a long time(well, it was also the only sex we've had in a long time too). She told me several times last weekend that she loved me and everything seemed to start looking up.

Then on Monday night she seemed really sad and depressed. I tried hugging her in bed but she kept her back turned to me and really seemed to be forcing herself not to let me get close to her, even asking me to not put my arm around her. So I talked to her and she restated that she'd like to move out and that she loves me but needs a change. I told her I understood that there were things in our relationship that were making her unhappy and I realized what many of those things were. I also told her I was willing to change those things, which is why I set up counseling for us. I asked her if she would be willing to at least give it the time it takes to try what they give us in the counseling sessions. She told me she's still very willing to go to counseling but at this point she's made up her mind and wants to start looking for a new place to live. I tried to remain positive and didn't pressure her too much on anything after this.

Last night she seemed even more depressed so as we were taking a walk outside I tried to put my arm around her and she started to cry and said she's started looking for places to live. Again, I did my best to remain calm, which was very difficult. Once we got inside and to bed we had a good talk. I asked her to be specific about some of the needs she had that weren't being met. I already know the main one and she confirmed it...that I've been too controlling, that she doesn't feel like she can be herself when she's with me. I didn't disagree with her because I know I've been this way. I'd give her the silent treatment if she would stay out late with her friends, or start arguments with her about it. I told her I understood I had this problem and I was absolutely willing to work on it, in fact I knew of this problem before and have gotten better with it, a fact she confirmed for me. But I still need help. And I told her that I was hoping counseling would give me the help I need to finally cure this problem within our relationship. After this talk she took my arm and put it around her and made me hug her while we went to bed, which she resisted Monday night. I still couldn't get her to commit to going into the counseling session with an open mind towards making our relationship work. She says she's very willing to go to counseling and maybe they'll "tell her something different she hasn't thought of" but that she's made up her mind that she wants a change.

I'm so confused because of what happened over the weekend. Also, she still tells me she loves me, and seems very upset about the whole thing. I'm trying to show her through actions that I'm changing but I'm afraid I could change overnight to a person that can meet all her needs within the relationship and I won't be able to erase all the harm I've done from her memory, which I can understand.

I'm also a little worried about the counseling. Neither of us have ever been. I'm worried the counselor will take our situation more lightly because we're not married, therefore there isn't the whole worry of ruining our family by us splitting up. I'm hoping that the therapist is more interested in things we can do to keep us together rather than trying to make it easier for us to part. Anyways, that's it in a nutshell. I'm completely confused and sad about this. I love her so much and can't stand the thought of losing her. Any advice or thoughts on my situation are certainly appreciated.

Thanks,
RD

I would like to say that living together does not provide for a good future in a marriage relationship. The word "sex" belongs only in a marriage relationship between a man and a woman who have made a lifelong committment to eachother. If people are having sex with eachother outside of marriage, living together, what are you doing in the marriage builders forum? Are you looking to get married? Then start the committment by letting her know you value her and will let her get married in white...make a decision to do things God's way, and your marriage will be blessed.
anonymous

Thanks for your reply. We have never pursued marriage seriously nor have we had to, it's just been a personal belief of ours. We both know we'd like to be married someday but neither one of us feels inferior because we're not married. And I appreciate your concern, but our religious beliefs are not really of anybodys concern here. I'm just looking for advice on our relationship and our situation, I'm not looking to find god. This is exactly the type of attitude I'm hoping our therapist doesn't take. I don't believe us not being married diminishes our feelings for each other any less, nor make our situation less important so long as we're both fine with being together and not being married, which we are. Thanks though for your thoughtful response. I did notice after that this forum is in the infidelity section which is not really a problem here so I appologize if I've placed this post in the wrong place.

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: rj5974 ]</small>

Hang on there, girlstuff. He's come here for help and has done so honestly. While it's no secret that the Harley's are Christians and that the focus at the site is on saving marriages, the principles that are taught here at MB are not necessarily Christian and can apply to nearly any relationship. Frankly, your response was a rather disrespectful judgement.

Now, rj, it's good that you're here. There are, in fact, a lot of wonderful people here who can become an excellent support network. You've made some positive steps already and that will help you. I'm not the best in the world at giving advice, but you -- personally -- seem to be on the right track. I do recommend that you read the content at the non-fourm part of MB ... even if you don't think it applies to you. This, of course, assumes you haven't done so already. My apologies if you have.

As for whether you've dropped your story into the right forum or not ... time will tell. In any case, this is one of the busier boards here and someone will likely see your posts. Also try Emotional Needs. I don't want to alarm you. Though, if you've had even the slightest suspicion that your gf has been unfaithful, it's worth investigating.

Keep working on you and continue showing your girlfriend you love her. it will probably be a tough road from here. But doing those two things first will do you well.

Thanks Whippit. The suspicion of her having cheated definitely entered my mind. I asked her if she was seeing somebody else, or if she cheated when this started to happen and she said no, that she would never do that, and I believe her to be honest and took her word for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I asked her if she was seeing somebody else, or if she cheated when this started to happen and she said no, that she would never do that, and I believe her to be honest and took her word for it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did the same thing with my wife. I still followed my gut and kept my eyes open, though. I'm not saying your gf is being unfaithful, but consider the logic behind someone truthfully answering the "are you cheating" question. If they're cheating, they're already lying so why would they answer the question honestly? This is why I recommend you investigate your hunch, as small is it may have been. The first time I had "the thought" it literally crossed my mind for a split second. But it was enough for me to not let the possibility elude me. We talk a lot around here about trusting your gut. It's probably one the best pieces of advice you'll get.

Like I said in my last post, educate yourself as much as you can and make sure your gf knows your love for her is a safe place. These really are, in mine eyes, the best first steps you can take.

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

Ooops ... double post.

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

Call me idiot boy ... triple post.

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

Thanks again Whippit. I certainly hope this is not the case. It would be pretty hard for me to find out, she has her own cell phone and I'm not about to open her bill. However on the plus side it doesn't seem like she's getting calls she usually doesn't get.

Anyhow, for the time being I'm confused as can be. I'm just going to try and be the best parter for her that I can be and hope she starts to see me the way she used to. I'll definitely do everything I can.