Hi USH, in short the dive was FANTASTIC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I understand what you are saying. USH, I still feel sad somedays, especially when something happens or on the year anniversary of the separation - that was a bad day, but it passes. I think that it will be like this for a long time USH, even after I find someone new, every now and then it will come up.

sigh....

Hi unsure...

I just wanted to wish you a Happy Easter and hope all is well in your world...

This is my third Easter here at MB...hard to believe but true.

I will be spending Easter with my WW's family...My mother-in-law wanted all the family together this Easter following FIL's death two weeks ago.

Again some bitersweet moments no doubt 'cause I do love my in-laws a lot....this will be my first holiday with them since X-mas 2001...

Like I said most likely quite bitersweet.

Take care unsure...

E

Elad - I hope you have a happy Easter as well, although I have to believe it will be difficult to have the whole WW family together/in-laws for this holiday since it has been such a long time. I will be curious to hear how this goes and how your WW reacts to this situation.

I am doing fairly well. I have a lot of work to do which keeps me from thinking about this 24 hours a day. WH stopped by this afternoon. He had called Friday night, Saturday day and Saturday night and I was not home (I was up in the mountains with 2 female friends for one last ski day). I don't know what is going on with him. I don't think he's seeing OW (except they still work together) as he has spent the last three weekends, including OW's birthday weekend, working at our house or at his parents house. I haven't been home on the weekends, but I know he's been spending the night there when I am gone and actually had dinner with our neighbors.

This time, however, I do not have my hopes up and, quite frankly, am not sure I would consider reconciling if it came to that. It seems an odd feeling after putting so much time and effort into this, but I truly do not know a) what is happening with WH or b) whether I would want to try again. WH is still unwilling to do the hard personal work he needs to do to grapple with his depression. I had dinner with his three closest male friends last week and they all said to a person that they had not spoken to WH since December and that he was in a bad mental state/they believed he was depressed and that he did not answer calls or emails inviting him to dinner or skiing or other activities that he previously enjoyed.

The A started two years ago. Discovery was over one year ago. WH may no longer be in his other relationship, but he has also not changed.

I have reconciled that I will likely be divorced and know I will meet someone else. I still have feelings of love for WH, but I am certainly not in love with him. I care about him as a friend and hope with all my heart that he eventually sees that the darkness that is over-taking his life and his addiction to work are consuming him. I hope he gets the help he needs, but I no longer try to provide insight, feedback, or support. It sucks me down into the deep pit he lives in now.

I am still relatively young (I wouldn't have said that a few years ago <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and I have a lot to offer my friends, family, and hopefully another partner in the future. I love life and people and generally see the glass as half full. WH for many years has seen only darkness. It really hit me this weekend. I was on the ski lift with a gentleman who was single in the line and as we chatted on our way up, he remarked that it was a beautiful day and weren't we lucky to be here enjoying this day. It sounds a bit trite, but I thought to myself, I haven't heard a positive-sounding comment such as that come out of my WH's mouth in more than two years. We are lucky. It was a beautiful day. WH has so much to be thankful for but he cannot see it or acknowledge it.

Elad I hope the best for you and I hope WW has an epiphany as she sits there with you and her family this Easter. If that does not happen, I do wonder with everything you have offered to her and the years of setting aside your own needs, whether it is time to really let go.

The concept still makes me sad, but acknowledging there is still a life ahead of you that is not consumed by pain is a very peaceful feeling.

I think you know it when you look at them and see that they are good people, but that they still cannot make the commitment to try, that it is time to do something for yourself.

I think you need to plan a trip for you. Do you have any good friends that could take a long weekend and go somewhere with you? I find that just getting out of town and staying with my friends at their condo in the mountains and skiing and playing pool or going out to dinner or anything different helps me remember who I am. Any number of places do that for me -- Santa Fe, New York City, the mountains, Las Vegas, the beach/any beach/Hawaii -- just some place I can be with a friend or friends and spend time smelling the flowers or eating something unusual or doing something I've never done before can remind me that there is much more than dday and the A and WH to life.

Where would you like to go? What would you like to do? What new experiences would you like to have? Do you have family that you are close with that you want to spend time with? Do you have friends you've lost touch with that you could reconnect with? Have you ever thought about going on a trip that included some component of learning a new sport, hobby, skill, etc?

Hi unsure&#8230;

Easter was OK&#8230;sadly an empty spot at the dinner table for my FIL, but we all made it thru.

My WW told me yesterday she couldn&#8217;t quite figure me out because she said I was different&#8230;and not treating her as nicely as a few weeks ago. I don&#8217;t know that that is true&#8230;I guess maybe I just don&#8217;t know what to do or how to have nice and normal relations with the prospect of a divorce hanging over us. But we survived the holiday.

I am glad to hear you are doing well and, it sounds like, staying busy. It is interesting, as you say that your WH has been spending more time at your house. Including the OW&#8217;s b&#8217;day? I thought he had a trip to Mexico planned for then? Have you completely closed the door on your marriage? It sounds like you are kind of there. I&#8217;m not saying you shouldn&#8217;t be if that&#8217;s where you want to be, I am just wondering.

I am glad to hear you have adopted the glass is half full concept&#8230;I don&#8217;t know if I have gotten to that point yet but I am working on it I think.

USH: I think you need to plan a trip for you. Do you have any good friends that could take a long weekend and go somewhere with you?

I have been trying&#8230; In fact, I had a trip planned to spend some time with a friend a few hundred miles from here the weekend that my FIL really took a turn for the worst. I plan to revisit that trip but work and other commitments keep getting in the way&#8230;ya gotta hate it when work screws up your social life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

USH: What new experiences would you like to have?

Well I&#8217;ve been compiling a list. Although so far I have had to cross off a class in snake charming; learning how to bull ride; and I figured I&#8217;m just not graceful enough for the ballet lessons I looked into. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Seriously&#8230;I think the best therapy for me right now is some warm weather and an opportunity to get out on my bike. I bought a new mountain bike last week and since I got it we have had rain, freezing rain, snow and sleet here&#8230;just about one of them every day.

I wouldn&#8217;t mind taking a trip at some point to learn a new sport or hobby but for now, until I am settled with WW and work and financially, I think a visit to a friend and a nice 20-mile bike ride might have to do. I don't race much but I am leaning toward entering a few more races this summer just for the challenge and the fun...I am not all that competitive but I am always up for a new ride. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for keeping in touch and I hope things are well in the mountains.

Take care unsure&#8230;

E

Good morning Elad. I have nothing new to report other than I feel less and less connected to WH.

I am glad you survived the easter dinner and I am sure you all felt a big hole with FIL gone.

I find it interesting that your WW commented that she thinks you aren't being as nice to her. I wonder if she's seeing a glimpse of what life will be like without you there to support her. It is galling in some respects to hear comments like this from the WS -- as if you should be nice all the time despite being treated like doo doo by the WS.

I haven't completely given up, but I am ready to have something different in my life. My WH simply will not respond to my request that he file or put together a proposal for the division of assets or anything else of that nature. I simply do not understand. He says he wants a D, but then is unwilling to do anything to advance it.

At the same time, he shows up every weekend to do yard work. Most of the time I am not there. If I am there working in the yard already, we only talk about the work that needs to be completed. I don't raise any other conversation. I get a bit annoyed with him because I often find dirty dishes in the sink from when he's been there and can't help but think, what is this man thinking?

The only thing we've agreed upon is that I will stay in the house for another year and then we will sell it. We agreed to refinance the house to get out some cash to make improvements (the foundation is crumbling) before we sell it and to lower the mortgage payment to an amount I can afford. We close on the refinancing on Thursday.

He showed up on Sunday afternoon to do more yard clean up/tree removal and appeared disappointed that I was leaving to go a dinner party in a nearby town.

I recognize that I need to move this forward if this is what I want. I think I still have some small hope in the back of my mind that he will want to work on this M, but it really hasn't been an M for a very long time.

Have a great time mountain biking with your friend. I recently purchased a new bike (the last mb I purchased was in 1991 and it doesn't have front or rear shocks) and wow what a difference. I plan to go out to the Colorado National Monument in mid-May and go for my first big ride of the season. Forgive me for being topographically challenged, but are there good places to bike in Michigan? It sounds from your post as if there are, but it is difficult for me to picture.

I like the image of you taking up snake charming and/or ballet (I was kicked out of ballet in grade school for being too boisterous and never looked back).

Take care.

Hi unsure&#8230;

I think I can relate to your feeling of being less and less connected to WS&#8230;My WW and I have much less contact now that the funeral and other issues related to FIL have died down.

She did call me late one night earlier this week, though, in tears about her dad. She is not handling it well and misses him terribly. I talked to her for about an hour and did my best to offer comfort but trying to do that over the phone is hard and not like you can just put your arms around someone and tell them it will all be OK.

She is trying to deal with all this on her own and she was already on meds for depression so this seems to have pulled her even deeper into some sort of hole. I recognize there is only so much I can do for her because it is HER choice not to let me be any part of her life. It is sad that, as her partner, I know I could probably help her more but she won&#8217;t let me. But as I said, I recognize that is HER CHOICE, and I can&#8217;t do much about it.

Do you think your H is still involved with OW? As you mention he keeps showing up to work at your home. I guess I find it interesting, that he does that, but still doesn&#8217;t communicate with relationship issues with you. Is he generally not an easy communicator or is this something new since the A?

USH: I recognize that I need to move this forward if this is what I want. I think I still have some small hope in the back of my mind that he will want to work on this M, but it really hasn't been an M for a very long time.

This is exactly how I feel and we left a lot of stuff on the back burner while we were dealing with FIL illness, but now, well we have to do something and we probably both recognize that. But my WW, like your WH, has not done the dirty business of filing for divorce.

One thing I have done is pack up a lot of her stuff at home so it is ready for her if we get to that phase. While it was difficult to go thru all the stuff that was there it was also probably good for me, too. It is kind of like making that space mine, and acknowledging that in some way.

USH: I recently purchased a new bike (the last mb I purchased was in 1991 and it doesn't have front or rear shocks) and wow what a difference.

We must really be leading parallel lives. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> My last bike purchase was also 12 years ago&#8230;no shocks either but I loved that bike. It was just starting to fall apart (a lot of miles on it) and so my WW gave me a gift certificate for one of the local bike shops for X-mas. My new bike has shocks, shifts easily, great brakes and a very smooth ride and I really like it a lot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

USH: Forgive me for being topographically challenged, but are there good places to bike in Michigan?

Well, yeah. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We don&#8217;t have any &#8220;mountains&#8221; but where I live is actually rated by many as one of the best mountain biking places in the country&#8230;lots of great trails and lots of places to be very adventurous. I am not the extreme biker some younger people are. In fact I have been invited to join an all-women biking group that rides a different trail each week&#8230;first ride is tonite so I am looking forward to it. And I would be pretty stupid at this point in my life to turn down an offer like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

But in answer to your question there is a lot of great variety of trails here to ride on and you can be as extreme here (and risk life and limb if you so choose) as you probably can be in Colorado.

I hope you are doing OK unsure&#8230;enjoy the trails&#8230; <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care,

E

elad - I haven't been reading or posting because I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what I should do.

WH keeps coming over to do yardwork and I realized it was really not a healthy situation for me. I don't know exactly how I drifted out of plan B, but I did and thought I was unequivocal about a divorce.

I had a very frank discussion with WH on Monday night when we picked up our refinance check. We talked about the division of assets and what it would take to file a co-petitioners (we do not have any issues we disagree on regarding the disposition of assets).

I asked him if he was still seeing OW. His response was "a bit, but not much" because he didn't know what he wanted regarding that relationship. I asked him whether OW thought they were getting married. He replied that OW wanted to get married, but he was unsure.

He told me he felt like he was in a prison in his current living situation. I told him that was his choice and he acknowledged that it was, but he felt as if he couldn't change anything.

I realized that I still care about this man deeply and have some love left, but that I cannot go back to our marriage. I've truncated the discussion, but suffice it to say that this man is unwilling to make ANY changes in his life that would improve his own life, much less think of anyone else.

I realized that this has always been a big part of him. Avoiding conflict. Avoiding real intimacy. Life happens to him rather than him making life happen.

I will always care for him, but this is not somebody who can commit to being a partner to anyone. Despite the fact that he admits his life is bad and that he is unhappy, he has done nothing in over a year to make any changes to help himself. He acknowledges he is living in a pit. He acknowledges that he has cut himself off from all of his friends. He acknowledges that he has treated me very poorly. He acknowledges that he is unsure he can be happy with OW. He acknowledges that his job is killing him slowly. When asked whether he wants to change these things, he says yes, but then says he doesn't really have the time (WTF??!!)

Then, he spends a lot of time talking about how he's been living his life on somebody else's demands, I ask calmly who does he feel is demanding something from him. He has no response. He says everyone. I gently ask who is everyone. He cannot answer. I ask whether he thinks I am demanding anything from him and he says no.

I don't think it's laziness or selfishness. I believe it is a much deeper-seated problem that he may or may not ever embrace and try to change.

Spending any time with him leaves me with a feeling of helplessness and despair. I told him that I felt selfish walking away from him when he was in this state, but I need to start being more selfish.

Nothing I do or don't do will affect what happens to him. I feel really worn out.

Thanks for listening Elad. I hope I'm not whining too much -- it's just that you just about the only person that I think really comprehends what I am talking about.

I hope things are better with WW, but it sounds as if she is still in the same place.

How was your all-chicks bike ride <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ?

Hi unsure&#8230;

Your post shows a lot of thought and introspection on your part and I think that is good for those like you and I who continue to be stuck where we are.

We know we have the wherewithal to change things but care deeply about the other person despite what they have done. There is so much that has been shared over the years of marriage that, while they obviously didn&#8217;t give much though to screwing it up&#8230;we have given it a great deal of thought and continue to hang in there.

I think it is part of the thinking that if it does fail, we can look back and know we did our best to make it work.

Your WH still is coming over for yard work? You must have one heck of a yard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

It really sounds like your H is stuck. In many ways it sounds like where my WW was before she took anti-deps. Again, this is no panacea, but I think it did get her out of some of the funk she was in which was similar to where it sounds like your WH is.

And I about choked on my coffee when he said he knows he needs to change things but doesn&#8217;t have the time. DOESN&#8217;T HAVE THE TIME? Yikes&#8230;this is his LIFE he is talking about&#8230;. I guess I can only second your WTF&#8230;

Anyway I think you are showing great patience and compassion and I know that can only carry you so far. I do think you need to be careful about allowing him to suck you into his despair and helplessness and I know you are aware of this and have done a good job of avoiding that so far. Keep it up.

As for my WW. Well she is coming to dinner tonite&#8230;I have no idea what that will be all about but she wants to have dinner and &#8220;talk&#8221; the dreaded four-letter word. I guess I will find out tonite, but I don&#8217;t think she can dish out anything I can&#8217;t handle.

As for my all-chicks bike group. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Well we have had two rides so far this spring and they have been great. Just me and one other guy and about 20 women of varying ages, sizes and skills. We ride one evening a week on a different trail. It is a great diversion and as you know a quality diversion is priceless at this stage of life.

Take care unsure&#8230;you sound good&#8230; <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

E

Hi USH, Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. I imagine your in a very painful place right now, I wish I could change it for you.
Take care

Seahorse - I posted on your thread today. Thinking of you and your visit to your mother's grave today.

Elad - I went for my first big ride on my new bike (I splurged and got a Specialized Stumpjumper). What a difference. I guess I should be thankful I still have enough padding or pain tolerance to not have to buy a full suspension bike (the expense was just too much). Now, I just need to find a weekly riding arrangement that is the mirror image of yours -- 20 men and 2 women <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How was your dinner and talk with WW?

I had to talk to WH this weekend briefly and he is coming over shortly to drop off some work documents (yes, I still have to deal with him professionally which is a challenge) that I need for a presentation.

I have a conference this week near some great mountain biking and am going to carpool with a good friend (and I just discovered that he's originally from Michigan -- the state must be full of nice atheletic men).

I am also going to Vegas again in early June. I have a close female friend that is using her frequent flier miles to take me and another great friend. Normally, I don't think I'd go again so soon (November was my first trip), but hey, free airfare is hard to beat. This same friend is trying to get me to go to Michigan in August. Her family is part of some camp in the upper penisula (I think my understanding of a "camp" and what this really is are far apart -- it sounds like a set of well appointed cabins that have been some kind of summer retreat for a large group of families for generations. "Camp" to me still means tents, meals in a large mess hall, kids learning to canoe).

My parents arrive tonight for dinner and I am very much looking forward to that. They live in Florida so I don't see them all that often.

Take care.

Hi unsure&#8230;

USH: I went for my first big ride on my new bike

Uh, just out of curiosity what would you consider a &#8220;big ride?&#8221;

USH: Now, I just need to find a weekly riding arrangement that is the mirror image of yours -- 20 men and 2 women

LOL, yes&#8230;I&#8217;ll bet you would love it. Actually I like this women's group I&#8217;ve joined&#8230;there are some who are there for the shorter rides and then some who want to go a bit longer&#8230;All-told, those of us in for the whole ride did a total of about 8-9 miles last week&#8230;some single track, some roots, a bit of sand and rocks&#8230;it was a nice ride.

USH: How was your dinner and talk with WW?

Not very enlightening really. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> She didn&#8217;t have anything new to say except that she had seen an attorney. I wasn&#8217;t totally surprised by that. She said she had an initial consultation and that part of that was at the suggestion of her therapist. She said the attorney told her to come back when & if she is ready to file.

Basically she said we need to either get back together or get a divorce, that we can&#8217;t keep living like this. While I agree, to get back together means she has to WANT to and that it has to be the most important thing in the world to her. If she wants a divorce, well then I guess she needs to get on with that. No one is stopping her. That&#8217;s basically what I told her.

She asked how we would ever out this back together after everything. I told her I didn&#8217;t have a road map for that and certainly no guarantees, but if I thought it was impossible I guess I wouldn&#8217;t still be here. She asked how I could ever trust her again and I said that would be up to her. That she would have to figure out how she could EARN that trust if, in fact, she even wanted it.

Anyway, we had dinner, talked about some other stuff and she left early. We didn&#8217;t resolve anything unless, maybe she wanted to see how she felt at our house (her first visit since February) and maybe I will hear from her attorney soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I don&#8217;t know. There was a time when this would have been pretty upsetting, but I have been OK with it since Friday. Just trying to keep getting by. But, you know how that goes, right?

USH: I have a conference this week near some great mountain biking and am going to carpool with a good friend (and I just discovered that he's originally from Michigan -- the state must be full of nice atheletic men).

HA!!! I&#8217;m sure your Michigan friend is nice (I think there are a few of us here) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But athletic? Well, &#8220;active&#8221; might be a better description. We&#8217;re not all buff Colorado mountain climbers here&#8230; <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> but I will pass along your compliment to the rest of my gender in the state. We all thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

USH: I am also going to Vegas again in early June.

Have a great time&#8230;I still love Las Vegas&#8230;it will be very nice (hot) in June&#8230;

USH: This same friend is trying to get me to go to Michigan in August. Her family is part of some camp in the upper penisula (I think my understanding of a "camp" and what this really is are far apart -- it sounds like a set of well appointed cabins that have been some kind of summer retreat for a large group of families for generations. "Camp" to me still means tents, meals in a large mess hall, kids learning to canoe).

HA!!! Now you&#8217;re talking my language. The Upper Peninsula (UP) is where I live, and this cracked me up. Camp here can mean anything from a one-room shack to a lake cottage to, well the description you came up with. There are a couple of &#8220;camps&#8221; that fit the description you gave. Did you friend give you a name?

If you come to the UP in August you may not want to leave&#8230;it is very pretty here. Bring your bike. There is a great point-to-point mb race here in August&#8230;two divisions: a 25-mile and a 45-mile. I have done the 25-miler for the past three years and it is a great ride&#8230; It&#8217;s all downhill <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (one of the big lies) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hope you are enjoying your parents visit and things are OK for unsureheart.

Take care,
E

My father died last night enroute home from visiting me. He and my mother had stopped at a friend's house and he died in his sleep. I can't stop crying.

I'm leaving in a few minutes to drive with my best friend from childhood back to where I grew up.

He was wonderful man.

unsure...

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Having gone thru this with my own father just a year ago and with my father-in-law last month I know how difficult this can be.

I am sure your father was a wonderful man and I know how much this must hurt. You have my deepest sympathy and my thoughts will be with you.

I wish I could say something that would or could help but I know at times like this there really isn't much anyone can say that will take away the feeling of loss.

Take care unsure and you will be in my prayers and thoughts.... ((USH))

E

Hi unsure...

I am sure you aren't around but I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. You and your family remain in my prayers.

I know this is not easy at all. And given the situation it only makes things worse...

Believe me, I have been through it and I know it is difficult. But from the time we have been on this board together I know you are a strong person with a good heart and I know you will get through this...

I've posted the lyrics to a song by Diamond Rio, which sums up my feelings about death.

The song has been a comfort to me since my father-in-law passed away last month.

Your father will always be with you...he is only as far away as your nearest memory...

"I Believe"

Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again
And it&#8217;s like you haven&#8217;t been gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time are holding you and me
And with all my heart I&#8217;m sure we&#8217;re closer than we ever were
I don&#8217;t have to hear or see, I&#8217;ve got all the proof I need
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, I believe

That when you die your life goes on
It doesn&#8217;t end here when you&#8217;re gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends and if I&#8217;m right
Our love can even reach across eternity
I believe, I believe

Forever, you&#8217;re a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
And I&#8217;ll hold you even longer if I can
The people who don&#8217;t see the most
Say that I believe in ghosts
And if that makes me crazy, then I am
&#8216;Cause I believe

There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, I believe


Please take care of yourself unsure and the others who you hold dear...

There is one more angel watching over you...

Hugs

E

Elad -- Thank you so much for the words to that song and for you kind words. It has been very hard, as I was very close to my father. He had a tremendous positive impact on my life and I am very thankful for that.

I thought that WH understood, but boy was I wrong. He was very helpful and supportive and spoke at the funeral. He planted flowers for me. He checked in on me everyday. And then he dropped the bomb.

He came over Tuesday night to presumbaly get some tools. He told me there was something he needed to get off his chest. He then proceeded to tell me that he was going on a trip in July. An expensive dream trip we'd always talked about. And, he was going on this trip with OW. WTF?

I told him that I could not understand how he could possibly need to tell me this right now other than to relieve his own guilt and that it was the most incredibly selfish thing he had ever done. I was devastated. He knows that my heart is torn apart and raw with the pain of losing the most influential and loving person in my life and yet he choses to tell me this now. It was the ultimate betrayal. I had turned to the one person that I had for many years trusted and relied on most on this earth for comfort in my hour of darkness. First, he helps and then he choses to devastate me with this news.

I cannot begin to describe the pain I am in right now. I told him that I was really done with him hurting me and that letting him into my life again in any capacity was a terrible mistake. I don't intend to be in touch with him at all. I hope his next step is to file divorce papers. I don't truly want a divorce, but I think that may be clouded because I'm feeling very alone right now. I cannot imagine that I want to married to a person that could do what he did to me. Maybe he did it so that I would hate him and make it easier to divorce.

Enough about me. How are YOU? What has been happening with WW?

Have you been on any good mountain bike rides lately?

I am off to my mom's again this weekend for another service and to be with all of my father's family.

Hi unsure&#8230;

I know you must feel like you are just getting back on your feet a little after a very difficult time. Sometimes there are no real words that someone else can say that can make the pain of loss any easier, but it sounds like you had great love and respect for your father and I am sure he felt that. As I have said before, I have gone thru this and it can be a very trying time, but it is important that you remember to take care of USH and those around you who you care about.

I get the impression that you do not live near your family and that can make things even more difficult for you, but I also get the impression you have some close friends nearby and it&#8217;s times like these when we realize the importance of those relationships. Even those not nearby are only a phone call or an e-mail away and just having someone to talk to can be very helpful. I hope you are able to rely on those friends and family you are close to.

As for you WH&#8230;WOW!

I guess we should be used to the selfishness involved in this, but man, I have to say that his trip with OW and telling you about it now is low&#8212;very low. I&#8217;d ask what he must be thinking, but then that would presume he WAS thinking and it is obvious that he isn&#8217;t thinking at all. WTF is right&#8230;

I can only imagine how much that must have hurt you at this time---or for that matter at any time&#8212;but certainly under the circumstances it had to be even more devastating.

And you are exactly right in saying that he is trying to relieve his own guilt. It is so sad when that one person you thought you knew best and was your most relied upon friend can do something to turn the dark hours even darker. I am really sorry you have to endure that along with the grieving that you already are going through.

You still sound like you are doing OK, though&#8230;considering everything. While it may not seem like it now, I am confidant you will survive this too. We have to survive, right?

USH: Maybe he did it so that I would hate him and make it easier to divorce.

Do you think so? If he is so determined to get a divorce is there some reason he has not filed?

As for me&#8230;

Not much has changed in my status.

Because my FIL was not buried in April when he died, we had a graveside service and burial last weekend. It was sad and brought out a lot of the sad feelings from his death. But at least there was some finality to things with the burial and all. I spent a fairly significant amount of time with my WW and it was OK. Some of it was good and some of it was not so good. But I survived.

We have gone back to limited contact (e-mails mostly) although I will see her tonite because we have a graduation in the family to attend.

We have discussed divorce but she still has not filed&#8230;we still both hate the life we have now but I haven&#8217;t filed anything to change it and so far she has not either, although she did tell me a couple weeks ago that she had an initial consultation with an attorney.

I am still actively MB-ing with the group I mentioned before. The last couple of times out it has been me and 23 women. My gal pals (who don&#8217;t ride) think it&#8217;s cute and little amusing that I do this&#8230;my guy friends think it&#8217;s strange and don&#8217;t really understand it, but they probably already think I&#8217;m a little bit goofy anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> My WW told me that as weird as it may sound she is glad I am doing this. And the only person who counts&#8212;me&#8212;has been having a great time doing it and we&#8217;ve had some really nice rides (well, except for the mosquitoes). I plan to continue.

All things considered I guess I am doing OK&#8230;but I know that life will need to change for me some way, some day, maybe soon. Who knows?

Take care unsure.

You and your family are in my thoughts&#8230;

I am sure your father is not far from any of you.

E

HI USH

I just want to give you a big
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))

Unsure I know your going through alot right now and just want to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Your WH is an [censored]. I can't believe he told you that. It seems to me he is never going to file D papers. Maybe it's time you do and close that chapter of your life.

I was in class a couple days ago and my instructor read a story about holding on to the past. In summary it said that if you keep holding on to the past and keep thinking of what you had that you can't get back... to just accept what happened and move on because if you don't you'll never be able to move forward or experience happiness cuzz your still to busy holding on to what you had.

I feel you are a wonderful person and deserve happiness. You do not deserve to be hurt over and over by your H. Sorry if I'm encouraging you to D but no one deserves to be hurt over and over. I'm not being a hypocrite either because I am also advising myself to do the same...to let go and find happiness again.

Hi USH, I hope everything is well and you are coping. WS always have bad timing, they are selfish and can't see past their own needs. Just look after you and the people you can trust. Be there for yourself when you are lonely - get back in the moment, for only the moment is perfect.

Best wishes.
I pray and think of you often.
Liz

Elad - As always, your words of encouragement are a blessing to me. I miss my father terribly and can't really accept that he is gone. He was relatively young and healthy and it all seems so surreal.

I have really come to a place of acceptance about my marriage, however. I know that it is over. WH is sorry and he feels guilty and he is the one that cannot get past this. As a result, he cannot forgive himself and thinks it will be easier to start a new life. Those are essentially his words and his choice.

Having done plan A and really struggled a lot with my own actions and choices, I know that he cannot just escape by avoiding what he's done and what he's become. While I still have love left, I do not have any more patience and the love that is left is not enough anymore.

I made a decision that if he has not filed papers by July 1, I will do so either with an attorney that I consulted this week or on my own. I am ready.

While you cannot truly compare people, I have really struggled with a comparison between the man my father was and the man my WH has become. When my mother struggled with depression, my father stepped in and took care of three young daughters without hesitation and made choices about his career that benefitted us three little girls rather than his professional aspirations alone. He was really a remarkable man.

I am not simply puffing up my father's image upon his death. I have always thought that he was a great example of someone that had professional accomplishment, priority on his family, and a deep and abiding love for a woman that was not always easy to be with or a true partner. I will always treasure his faith and commitment to the things that were important to him. I will also treasure what I know now in hindsight he likely gave up to make life as comfortable spiritually and materially for his children.

WH, in contrast, still wants an easy out and an escape from reality. That's his choice. My choice is to walk away from this. I hope one day to be his friend again, but that will not be for a very long time.

depressed1234 - Thank you so much for checking in on me -- I can't find an update for you and hope things are well for you and your little boy. Thank you for sharing the words from your teacher. They are appropriate to my situation.

Seahorse - I am so very thankful you are keeping up with me. I also think of you and like to imagine you scuba diving and enyoying the nightlife with a handsome young man at your side.

I haven't posted much because my life has been so nutty lately between work and family. I still have many blessings in this life and am thankful that I have so many wonderful friends.

I am going to try and post more, especially with the just found outs. This board really made a difference for me in those early days when I felt crazy and alone. It still makes a difference to me now, but I feel I don't have much encouraging to say.

Take care.

Hi USH,

How are you doing? You haven't been on much lately and I've been worried about you. Hope that you are doing OK.

By the way I'm on the Emotional needs forum now and my update is posted in Just Found Out on my old thread, I think but not to sure.

Well my sons tugging my arm for something so I better go because the last time I ignored him he peed in his bed. I felt bad because he tried telling me since he can't climb out of his bed, but I ignored him. I learned from that mistake. Take care and you are in my thoughts and prayers