It's two months, nearly, since my H told me about the OW (one month fling). He insists that there's been no contact. Still, he is rather remote and unaffectionate. Takes affection (and even sex), but doesn't initiate it. But he's here.

He says the affair is his fault, not mine. That he falls into emotional ruts in marriages (I'm his third), then the affair that ends the marriage. He thought to break the pattern this time. All this was preceded by one year of internet porn -- this may be a question of needing a "high." I do think he traded one addictive behavior for another.

It's true I was very unhappy -- pulling my hair out, begging for counseling, begging him to tell me what was wrong before the affair, when he was very negative and cold to me. After D Day, I hit the roof and it took me some time to come down. He feels I "overreacted."

Says he still thinks things may not work out with us, that the emotional efforts needed to overcome his patterns may be too much for him. Not sure he loves me enough, etc. Other times, he seems somewhat committed to change. His reactions are still all over the place. He changes from day to day -- defensive, self-justifying rewrites of history. No good talking to him, because I don't know which group of feelings he's in, but whatever, they are likely to change.

Emotional needs questionnaire showed his fear of wanting anything -- tepid needs, being served adequately by me. Protects himself through blandness, not wanting. He won't tell me what he needs to make things better. On my side, I was running on empty -- emotional needs unmet while being the giver. Still love him, of course, but my Love Bank account went belly-up some time ago. Plan A while I try to recover. OW lives in community -- I run into her occasionally, which is painful.

He was always a heavily armored person -- it's very hard to read.

Help! Any experience out there?

I should add that there has been tons and tons of denial -- all the way along. And with affair, lots and lots of lying. I'm still uncovering manipulative little lies that were meant to keep me from leaving on D-Day. Always throws out just enough energy to keep me in tow. Emotionally, like breathing through a straw.

When an addict is in withdrawl .... they aren't nice to be around. Grouchy. Swinging moods. Imagine a picture of someone who has just quit smoking .... does your H resemble someone like that at all?

Does your H have an addictive personality? (In your opinion, of course) ie; gambling, booze, drugs, porn.

Did you ever have a discussion with either of his former wives of why they divorced ... from the woman's point of view? (this would be interesting, if they are around, try to talk to one or both of them) If there is a really long pattern of this type of avoidance addiction ... your odds lessen that he has the tools to change.

Do you know much about his family history? Was he adopted? Abused? Abandoned? Anything like that in his closet?

"OW lives in community"... in the long run, this is a minor point. SHE is a fly in your soup. She is a mosquitoe buzzing around your ear. When you see her .... do this ....

Start waving your arms around like there is a gnat in your face. Say out loud, "Get away from me .... you pesky bug!"

She will either think you are crazy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> or infested <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .... either way, she'll give YOU a wide birth ... and leave you alone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepper.,

Yes, I think there is some sexual addiction, though he denies it. And also much of the literature doesn't deal with borderline cases -- perhaps in his case it is simply longing for a "high" in a life that doesn't offer many (another story). Perhaps he simply craves admiration. I'm always guessing.

Admits he wants "highs," but an hour ago, said he thinks he can overcome this in marriage. Implied he wants to. I'm trying not to talk about "the relationship" -- I know it's a LB, so this bit of volunteered info was helpful.

No other addictions -- and bizarrely, he is rather inexperienced with women. Which can make things worse -- he doesn't understand much motivation on their side, etc. Maybe that's why he's so awfully clumsy at this adultery thing. Very clumsy emotionally. Doesn't understand the strength of the emotions he provokes.

And also bizarrely, I was good friends with Wife #1. One of the bloodiest divorces in history. He was cruel, insensitive, etc. Left her for much younger wife -- mid-life crisis divorce. Younger wife promptly had an A of her own. Messy triangle and quadrangles, etc. Thought he'd learned something...well, maybe he has. I'm guessing again. He's not a great communicator.

What's an "avoidance addiction"? He has lots of messed-up emotional stuff. Suspect it's the reason Wife #2 left, though I don't know her as well. She simply didn't want a complicated life (e.g., kids), and he has one.

His family couldn't be nicer. Serious illness as child meant hospitalization and a year in bed. He's a candidate for post-polio syndrome: exhaustion, depression. Maybe linked to the need for highs.

I wanna, wanna, wanna make this work. I'm beginning to suspect he does, too, though he might be more stoic about it than I am, and also a bit burned out. I'm wary of my own wishful thinking, however.

Oddly, if he really has broken off with the OW, that will be the first time in his life he's ended a relationship. Usually he lets triangle go on for so long that one person throws him out, breaking his own pattern of waffling indecision. Am I being too optimistic? I don't know...

Thanks for your input!