I strongly suspect that 3 years ago that my husband had an affair with a co-worker. I was clueless as to his involvement with her and then I discovered that he sent her an egreeting card on Feb. 14, 2000 that said, “I’m so horny”. I questioned him, he said that they just friends. I pushed harder and some more details came out, but not much. He would get very angry if I questioned him. I let it go, feeling like I would never get an answer from him. But needless to say my trust in him was gone. If anything physically happened between them, it did not go on for long and it would have just been for sex on his part, as I was 9 months pregnant at the time. Over the last couple of years I have desperately wanted to call OW to see if she would tell me anything. But I did not because they still worked together (different departments) and I did not want to make things difficult or add fuel to the gossip mill. I haven’t asked him about her in a long time. Our marriage is strong and has been for awhile, but I can’t let it go, I still want to know the truth. Fast forward to now. He no longer works there, in fact he is getting to move across the country for a new job. The kids and I are staying here until the end of the school year. So now that he and the OW no longer work together I want to make contact to see if she will tell me anything. I feel I have nothing to lose as we are leaving this town.

What would you do? Since things are very good between DH and myself right, should I bother trying to find out or just let it go?

Ask him or let it go. Do not call her. You may end up prompting her to call him and then all hell breaks lose and they may start up contact again.

If things are good for you now, do not create problems. Forgive him in your heart for YOU and move on.

Just my opinion. I am sorry for what you are going through. It is tough no matter how long ago. His likely lying makes it tougher. Work to affair-proof your marriage and rest easy in the fact that you WON in the end. Enjoy your victory, don't spoil it!!

Conan, I know in my heart you are absolutely right it’s just hard to convince my mind otherwise. Things are wonderful and have been and I am grateful for the devoted husband he is now. But it just kills me to think that he has lied to me. So of course that leads me to think if he lied about it again then he could lie so easily about it again or anything else that he feels I don’t need to know about. So although he is very committed to our family and me and we meet each other needs, the trust I had in him is gone. Will I always wonder in the back of my mind, “Is he telling me the truth”?

I don’t have to worry about OW contacting him, as she does not know where we are moving too, and he really can’t stand to be around her. But then I ask myself what would I do if I did find out something happened, not join him when school lets out? No that’s not what I want. I just want to know the truth and I would prefer that it come from him. Looking back now, if something did happen between them I know the things that were wrong in our marriage at that time (based on what I have read on this site) and I believe that I could accept and forgive. Then continue to “affair proof” our marriage so that he wouldn’t feel the need to look outside our marriage.

I sure wish that there were some magic pill that I could slip in his drink to get him to tell me. I have even considered getting him drunk to see if it would get him to talk. But I should accept that this is all I am ever going to know, and be thankful for what I have.

You know what to do! Listen to your own good advice sweetie.

Assume he did it... he didn't get away with it... you caught him... whether he ever admits it. Be aware he is weak and deal with it the best you can.

hi, i have recently discovered my WH PA, which was nearly two years ago. My H lied about A until i found evidence, then he admitted. says he was scared in case he lost me (shame this didnt bother him during A). The important thing in my case was H didnt show real remorse until he SAW the extent he hurt me (i was physically sick when he told me about PA) I was crushed, and him talking about/facing his choices made him see how selfish he had been. I dont think i could have coped not knowing, or if I found out much more later. If you can accept he cheated and leave it at that, thats fine, but the info you need to heal should be on your terms, not his. good luck, ad x

DM,

My husband told me a year ago tomorrow about an affair he had 4 years ago. I understand how you feel.

Fast forward to now. I am so glad he told me. We realized going through recovery that the secrecy of his affair was very damaging to our marriage.

Until the affair is addressed and the "message of the affair decoded"; he is susceptible to having another one.

This board is full of posts of BS's who wish that the first A had been processed correctly.

Blessings, to you. I don't know what to say about whether or not you should contact the OW. Most would agree that it's not wise; however no one knows your situation better than you.

Get to the bottom of the truth. You owe it to yourself and your marriage. Blessings, CSue

I agree that it would be best if the truth came out!!!!

I just don't think that is going to happen. Do you risk screwing up something now for the truth. I think we all know the "whole truth" rarely comes out even upon a confession of same. The nagging doubts are always there about what the truth was... am I right?

In the end, if you are to heal yourself through this process, you must move on at some point. I happen to think if you have a couple years pass and no new evidence to show, you are not going to get a new answer now. Assume the worst and move on.

I just posted something on Honesty. For me, this has been a stumbling block in my abilty to recover from my H`s affair or whatever it was. There were buisness trips that were actually pleasure trips and various other problems.

We are in consuling. However, I just have no trust in him. I feel like if he would just be honest with me, I would at least have the opportunity to get over what happened, hopefully I could and know that he is capable of being truthful and start working on trusting him again.

without trust, its very hard to really recover.

divamom,

You need to get at the truth somehow or it will drive you bonkers and keep you from developing a level of intimacy that is needed to sustain a marriage. It will also probably happen again unless the truth comes out and the reasons behind the affair are confronted and handled.

I doubt that you will get much out of the OW, though. She won't be eager to implicate herself and will probably try to contact him after your call.

That leaves you with him. I wonder what he would think if he read this from Marriagebuilders:

"From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies. "

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html