I’m new to the board, this is my first post. I’ve been reading many other posts and devoured the info on this website and I think this community can help me. I sincerely wish I had discovered this information years ago. I had an A on my H. I told him about it 2-18-03. I am currently staying in a hotel while he decides if he thinks he can forgive me. Not surprisingly, he is extremely hurt and angry. He keeps asking me how could I have done this. I was basically the poster child for unmet emotional needs. My self esteem has hit rock bottom because of the guilt I feel for what I have done to this man who didn’t deserve it. I want our marriage back, I want to repair the damage I did to our relationship, but he doesn’t understand why I want him back “all of the sudden”. He asks if I was willing to risk everything to be with the OM, why do I want to be with him now? I’ve tried to say that I’ve come to my senses now and realized what a great guy he is and how unbelievably selfish and stupid I was to seek out ego gratification with someone else, but he doesn’t understand how I could have changed ‘so fast’. I’ve also been told that I am not apologizing ‘correctly’; I’ve been saying how sorry I am for hurting him. He thinks I should have been saying that I was sorry for doing it. It seems like no matter what I say I never say the right thing. He has asked me to have NC with the OM, and I have totally agreed to that, and am abiding by it. He also said that he wants to be able to have an A on me anytime for the rest of our marriage. I didn’t agree to that, but I told him he could have 2 years to do that if it made him feel better. I feel like I deserve nearly any pain he wants to inflict on me because of how bad I’ve hurt him. I know most would not think that was such a good idea, but I feel like I deserve punishment. Not forever, but for a while. I have to admit though, that it is extremely hard for me to want to stay if I have to endure years of verbal assault and an eye for an eye. He is trying hard to really think it over if he can forgive me or not, but the waiting and wondering what I should be saying or doing to apologize ‘correctly’ is killing me.

I want to ask the BS’s out there – what do you/did you want to hear your WS say after you learned of the A that would have made you feel better?
The one and only thing that seems to be working is daily emails I've been sending him telling him what a great guy he is and things about him that I like and respect.

Welcome. We can help.

In my view, you've said everything you need to say already. I would have given the world's treasures for a fraction of your humbleness from my wife.

But there's one more thing you can say that you would have never thought of: Tell him to visit this site, register, and post a specific question to me, WAT. Tell him to ask me any question he wants about your affair and your marriage and I or the others here will give him an answer and help him understand it. Print out this post and give it to him.

I also suggest you find a counselor who can help you resolve your issues. The MB counselors are highly recommended.

You are already likely experiencing all the "punishment" you deserve. Him having an afair to balance things out is nuts. Two wrongs don't make......... Oh yea, you've heard that before. Does he not understand this?

I look forward to his posts.

I'd love to hear from him, too!

Never forget that your a human being, capable of as much good as any of the "bad" that you may have done. You deserve compassion from your H as much as he does from you. with guidance, you can both find it! And each other!

All my best,
-Qfwfq

Hi Corrigible,

I'm going to be blunt. Right now, your words don't mean very much to your H. But your ACTIONS do.

I completely understand the pain that both your H and YOU are feeling... Your H's world has just been turned upside down. Anything that you say to him right now will ring hollow.

You and your H need to find a good pro-marriage MC and start going together. His "desire" to reserve the right to have a revenge A is sometimes common, but in the end, most BS realize that having a revenge A really won't take away the pain. You might also want to get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and see if your H would be willing to read it with you.

Hang in there. You did a horrible thing, but that doesn't mean that you are a horrible person. Look for ways to SHOW your H that you love him and that you are committed to him. If you tell him that you will take out the trash at 7:00 am, then take out the trash at 7:00 am.... to do otherwise with only reinforce your H's belief that he can't "trust" you. As you continue SHOW your H that you are trustworthy with "small" things, he will eventually start to regain some trust. This won't be easy, but you MUST do it if you want to earn his trust back.

I'm sorry that you and your H are hurting so much right now. I wish you both the best.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I sincerely appreciate the time you have taken to post responses to my question today. I asked my H to start posting to this board, but he is still reluctant. I am hoping he will change his mind after maybe reading other posts for a while. I think the support would help him a lot. I did order the SAA book from Half.com, I'll have to look into the other one you recommended. Thank you.

I'd be glad to try and answer any questions that your H might have, too.

One of the harder parts that I dealt with was the feeling that I was the only person in the world that was dealing with this... I didn't have anyone to talk with and there wasn't an internet back then...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hi

I am a BS, my wife has had multiple affairs, three that I know of. I can relate to your husbands feelings. He is hurting more than you can imagine. I felt my world had come to an end. How could someone I love so much do something that hurts so bad. He is going through a variety of feeling. He is asking himself, what did he do to deserve this. Yes he has faults but why did you handle them this way. I also realize how bad you are hurting. As far as what you can do, Keep letting him know how much you love him by telling him and showing him however you can. Right now, even if something he did or didn't do may have contributed to the affair, now is not a good time to bring it up. Wait till you start to work on the marriage. My wife brought up all the things that were my weaknesses and these were the same things she said she liked about the OM. Boy was that a put down. I do not agree with his demand for an A, but understand why he said this. He wants you to feel the pain he is feeling but that will pass. For me one of the hardest parts is lack of trust the A creates. It makes me wonder if there were others and has our marriage been a lie. Hang in there, if he really loves you he will come to the point of trying to make it work. I don't know if our M is salvageable but I know it can't go on the way it is because the hurt is killing me. My wife never told me anything unless I have Concrete proof. That makes believing her that much harder.

BS : 57
WS: 57
M: 6-66 (36+ yrs)
1st DD: 3-67
2nd DD: 6-91
3rd DD: 7-02
Presently seperated, getting individual counseling,just started MC, he wants us to try getting back together and make a 6 month committment.

I would suggest that when you and your H get a chance to talk about the A, you tell him how those unmet emotional needs of yours when combined with your failure to respect boundaries (no prolonged contact with a member of the opposite sex other than your H) made it very easy for the A to happen. Do this in a calm and caring fashion so that he won't become defensive and misinterpret your explanation as a way to shift all the blame to him.

I agree that even though your A was a horrible thing, YOU ARE NOT a horrible person (your remorse is proof of this). ALL OF US have probably done a horrible thing or two in our lives for which we are not proud of. It does no good for you and your H to beat yourself up silly. Use this experience to become a better human being and spouse by learning all you can about human relationships. And come here as often as you want to get some support and to help support others that will be seeking help.

I wish you and your H all the best.

Wow, I thought I was reading my own story. I know exactly what your going through. I had an affair in nov, d-day was 11/29/02. I moved out until Dec 31, then he let me start spending the night but i couldn't move my stuff in. Last weekend he let me move my stuff back in and we have been getting along really good. But a week before he let me move back in he had a huge blow up. for two days he was nothing but mean and distant to me, now I feel like i'm not living in reality. I dont get all the affection I want but some is better then nothing. What I did was I started doing things I never did before to show him that i changed because he too thought how can someone change so quick, but it can happen. I started going to church and praying, this really helped. I wrote him letters and poems and planned specials days out he really enjoyed those things. But we still have a lot longer before we are where either one of us wants to be. But I love him so much, like you I am willing to put up with any amount of pain he throws at me. He said the same thing about sleeping with another woman, now he wants a threesome. I'm not sure what to think of this. I have always been curious but i;m not sure this is a good time to experiment.
I think if your husband really loves you he will give you another chance. One more thing when my H yelled at me to leave the house and said he didnt want to see me I stayed he was really mad but later he told me that it showed him i was a strong person and that i really did want to be with him. so that is my advice, dont leave when he tells you to. This is advice that I got from RIF90, he gave me really good advice. My H still wont post on here either, but sometimes I will email him a post and he will read that. There is hope.

Meko I'm glad that you have moved back with your H (he truly does love you) and I hope that you stick around to lend your support to folks like Corrigible.

Make sure that you know the boundaries that you crossed and led you to your affair (no contact with members of the opposite sex without your H being present). Because even though you are a married woman, there are many unscrupulous men out there (like OM) that will not respect this fact and will do everything in their power to try to exploit your weaknesses (like your acknowledged low self esteem) to seduce you into another affair.

As far as what your H has said about wanting to sleep with another woman or engage in threesomes, don't argue for or against them (doing so only gives his idea more power)with your H. But do let him know that your affair was the worse thing you did for your self esteem, and that no matter how much he forgives you, it will be something that you will sadly carry for the rest of your life. Many BS's that went on to have a so called revenge affair, have deeply regretted doing so for the same reasons you did.

I've often found that the difference a doer and a talker, is that the doer doesn't broadcast his/her actions to the world (they simply do it). And this also applies to people that say they want a revenge affair.

<small>[ March 07, 2003, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: 2MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>