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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 120
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 120
Of giving an ultimatum. I'm so tired of being stuck in a rut that I'm about ready to give my WH an ultimatum. There is no other woman. YET! (he's been going out a lot though) He tells me he's confused yet there are times he treats me like I'm nobody to him and other times we are like the best of friends. Is four months of this living in limbo too long? How long is a good plan A? How long before plan B? I don't know. Do you think there could still be some hope?

I had planned to request that WH commit to two months of counseling either with me or part with me and part alone on Wednesday night. Then he got called out to a big house fire and we didn't get a chance to talk. I've had people say that was God's way of saying not to do anything and to just sit tight, but I just don't know. That same night he had bought some things for me for my son's lunch as he had to take a packed lunch and I'm struggling financially and he's helping little to not at all. He bought the stuff for his lunch and bought some milk and was going to give me some cash. He called me from the fire and asked me to meet him half way. They were taking turns warming up and he wanted to make sure that I had the things that I needed and that he got them to me like he promised he would do. So, he briefly left the fire and met me to exchange things. He gave me a check. I'd only asked for $15 dollars to buy some medicine. He gave me $25. My sister tells me that is a sign that he cares because he didn't have to do that at all, none of it, especially the extra $10.

I'm doing my best to live a good plan A. There are times that I have to call him, but I try to keep it to a minimum. Last night I had to go to his place and pick up a jacket my son was going to borrow. I tried to keep it short and he continued to talk to me and then wanted to take me in to show me his new VCR, etc. I acted as though I thought the VCR was really neat, but inside I was hurting as with each thing he buys I feel it's one more step away from our marriage.

Is this normal feelings? Just curious.

Anyway, four months seem like a long time to be sitting stagnant. There is no movement to reconciliation and no movement to divorce. I just am confused and scared and need more direction.

Can anyone help me?

Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 11
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Dear Ferbie, I hate to hear what you are going through. Yes, your feelings are normal, at least I hope so, because I am having the same feelings. I too feel like I'm in Limbo, my husband and I have been separated for 3 1/2 months. We aren't any closer to reuniting or divorcing either. I've come to the conclusion that my husband doesn't want me, but he's afraid if he lets me go I might find someone else, and he might not ever find what he wants, and he'll be alone. He's keeping me on a string, just in case he can't find anything better. I feel I'm being used, but I still love him and hope that things will work out. Don't give up. I pray that thing will turn out okay for you and your family. Donna

Joined: Aug 2002
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Donna, I know exactly how you feel. I've often wondered if he was trying to do the bare minimum to keep me holding on until he found what he thought was a better fish!

I have been encouraged by my counselor to write to him occasionally as a form of communication if he doesn't want face to face talks. Tonight, I gave him a letter to ask if he would consider giving 100% of himself to me and our marriage for AT LEAST two months and begin marriage counseling with me. He wanted to read the letter when he was here, but I told him I would rather him read it when he was home by himself. I wanted his loneliness to be fresh in his mind and I wanted him to have quiet time to think about what I asked and not get immediately upset or frustrated with me.

I'll post an update as soon as I hear from if....if I hear from him. If you would like to see my letter to him, I'll share it with you. My email is littlehollywood_70 @hotmail.com.

It seems we began our journey about the same time. If you would like to talk further, feel free to contact me!! I don't read a lot on these boards, but have left another site and will be here a lot more. Sorry to say that I haven't read your story. I'll look for it. In the meantime, don't be shy about contacting me.

Joined: Nov 2002
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ferbie, you said H is helping little to not at all. If he can buy things like new VCR's,he's shortchanging you and family.
Time to negotiate a weekly or biweekly support payment. If he refuses, then time for filing for interim support.
I agree with you trying to work plan A and save marriage with counseling, etc. But letting this man off the hook financially is not going to help.
It's time he became unconfused about where his responsibilities are. He should be making pretty good pay as a firefighter. Time he paid you a decent amount to live on!
LouLou

Joined: Aug 2002
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LadyLou

My husband is not a professional firefighter, but a volunteer in our town of a little over 200. He actually works at a rock quarry running the scale that weighs the trucks.

There is no way to get any support out of him as we do not share any children. I had three children from a previous marriage and he had two children from his previous marriage. My three children live in our home. His live with their mother. So, although ethically, he should be helping me more, legally he has no liability to do so.

I will say and I think I've posted this before that when we received our taxes they were deposited into his account. He could have used the money to file for divorce, but didn't. Instead we payed off some joint debts and split the rest which gave each about $500. I assume this is the money he is using for clothes, VCR, etc. that he's bought recently. My $500 went to catch me up on bills I fell behind on because of Christmas, so no new clothes or anything for me and my children.

If we divorced today, we have nothing jointly. No joint bills; no joint children; not really any joint property. It would be fairly cut and dry. We've been married only since August 2001 and nearly 100% on our home furniture was mine prior to our relationship/marriage.

That's where we stand financially, but what do you think otherwise about the relationship?


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