An email I just got. How should I respond to this?

Things seemed a bit awkward to me last night. You seemed like you did not want to be there...very superficial, showing up late... Nothing was said about our relationship. Perhaps there is nothing else to say?? Are we dragging this out needlessly? What do you honestly want?

Any comments are appreciated.

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 11:06 AM: Message edited by: Luki ]</small>

Luki-

I forgot, are you in PlanB or PLANA?

It sounds as if she is confused about your lack of pursuit. If your in plan A, then you may want to say something along the lines of -

Things are hard for me and I choose not to discuss R because it only angers us when we are together. Being with you is what is important....etc...

That is want I want to say, but I am afraid of driving her back into the fog if I come on too strong. Why is it that something like this happens when I have all but thrown in the towel. I just posted in another thread that I did not care anymore and then ,poof, not 20 minutes later I get that email. This is such B.S..

Last night I was very chatty and talked alot about my trip. Somehow that came off as superficial. What!!!???

Luki:

That's interesting. Did she read that thread? Or is it just coinky dink?

Sounds like she wants out of the fog. Or control. Hard to know without communicating. Hard to communicate if it hurts.

Take care,
-Qfwfq

It was definitely coincidence.

I am tired of being hurt and am afraid to put even one foot out on a limb. I'll write her back to be sure. It's just hard to do when you have been emotionally decimated.

I don't want to wait too much longer because then I might come off as being more "superficial". I have no idea where she came up with that.

She also quizzed me on my best friend and his GF(potential OW), I told her that I had feeling for some one else in our last counseling session. She asked me how they were doing. I said that they are OK. She asked me if they were having problems. I said they were having some problems. I wonder if she has figured it out. She is very perceptive.

Anyone else?

-Luki

I agree with what Kily said. If you really do, than tell her you love her and you want your M. Also tell her that the only reason you no longer discuss your R is because it hurts you to much and by discussing it you bring down the quality of the time that you do share with her.

What is happening with PotOW by the way?

I wonder how discussing your trip comes off as superficial? Maybe not talking about her all the time? I don't know.

STTSI

STTSI,

I do still love her, but at the same time I have let go. It's tough to grab the rope again after letting go. You know what I mean.

You had to ask about pot. OW didn't you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am doing ok with that. I have seen her, but only in the company of my best friend. Contact is minimal but I'll admit it is good to see her. I know what the right thing to do is and I am doing it. Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Luki:
<strong>It's tough to grab the rope again after letting go.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know exactly what you mean! I think that is why I have no interest in calling my WW as I have said in my thread. Not trying to thread jack but I thought you put it rather well.

Just keep trying to limit contact with Pot. OW. Remember you both are in other R's right now. You need to finish one before you start another.

I wish for you the strength to handle the situation with your W and Pot. OW.

STTSI

As you may noticed I changed the subject line. I met w/ WW at the house last night and gave her a card which expressed my wishes. I wrote in the card that I wanted to show that I can be the husband she deserves.

She said that my reponse to her email was not a very good answer and why would I want to be with someone that has no feelings for me. I said that it will take some time. So round and round we went. She hasn't changed one bit. She denied saying to me that she needed space and because I had not been communicating with her and how I was communicating with her now showed her that I had not changed one bit. It was a total sucker punch on her part. I can do no right in her eyes. She said I was flippant and was treating her like sh**. This really hurt because I have been really trying to better myself and she made me feel like an utter failure.

And now the crux. Her email was not about wanting out of the fog but about getting me to agree to end things. She wants a mutual decision to split up. I said I had already made my decision and I wanted to reconcile. She was not pleased about this.

You see, there is no such thing as divorce in her family. So she wants me to do it so she can say it was my entire fault (as usual). She may have been able to manipulate me in the past but no longer. And it very much displeased her that I was not going along for the ride. I kept my cool through out this absurd conversation. If she would say something in Alien Speak I would respond, “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

Also, she said that there would not have been and OM1 or OM2 if I had treated her right. I said that I set the stage but those were her choices. She said that those choices would not have been there if not for me. Do you get the picture? It ended with me telling her that it was her decision. She didn’t like that. She has become so twisted. I will enter Plan B now without any reservation.

Not a good way to start the week. She made me so angry.

-Luki

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: Luki ]</small>

And another thing!! I brought a chocolate bar for dessert. I guess I bought the wrong type of chocolate. I am such a bad guy because I should have known. She used this as yet another example of my failings. Things are not going to last much longer, I think.

I am feeling sad today. Not for myself, but for her and what a messed up person she has become.

Any thoughts/comments/opinions would be appreciated.

Luki I am sorry to hear about the weekend developments. I wish I had something to say other than it sounds like it is time for plan B. Have you given her a letter before? Maybe there is someway you could end plan a on a good note.

Good luck! Are you going to BAN?

STTSI

Yay, a response!! I don't think there is a way to end Plan A on a good note. The letters are going to be huge LB, esp the one to OM. Tough s!@#, is what I say. I have to stand up for what I believe in as far fetched as it may seem now.

I am BAN bound tonight for sure!!

-Luki

You are right that the letter will be a LB, tough. All I meant is that maybe you could send her the right kind of chocolate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> or maybe some flowers. Something that tells her that yes you care for her and still love her.

STTSI

Wow, she is really deep in the fog!! If you're ready for Plan B, it might be the jolt she needs to wake up. I'm in Plan B 2.5 months now. I'm living alone and sometimes lonely, but at least the A isn't in my face 24/7. I sleep better at night, feel empowered taking care of myself and my house, and can even "forget" about my marital problems for increasingly longer periods of time. In other words, I'm off the rollercoaster and it feels good.

If you truly feel you've done all the Plan A you can, then it's time for Plan B. I hope you find peace. What exactly do you mean by:
"I have to stand up for what I believe in as far fetched as it may seem now"?

Lablady

Totally not the subject that you want to go to I am sure but............... WHAT ABOUT MOVING BACK IN she said , she wants to know what you wanted and if you changed well then , tell her your right you may not have noticed so let me get alittle closer .

I say if and anytime one should LB do it big or don't at all .

What is PLAN B going to get you , she will say your being a baby ,with her twisted way of thought . That will only make her think that you are playing games . (from her thoughts)

I don't know could be totally off here and just thinking from wrong end of the brain today .

But just figured you needed to do some more venting .

What do you want , without the anger getting in the way ? Do you want to just screw it all and wait for her to go for D and end things ? ARE you at that point? DO you feel it is to far gone ? Is this OM getting her to do this to push her ?
Think he is LB'ing?

Well you know her best do you think she really just want to move on? If so how come she wants you to go for D ? Oh never mind you answered that before .

ok I have rambled enough .

double post

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: Luki ]</small>

Hi lablady,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What exactly do you mean by:
"I have to stand up for what I believe in as far fetched as it may seem now"? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess what I am trying to say is that the chances for recovery have dimmed considerably after what I heard last night. Still, I have to stay the course although the odds are clearly not in my favor. That way I can look myself in the mirror and know I did all I could and am better off for it.

I am also living by myself and it got me away from the coaster until last night. I really thought her email was sincere. Living alone is lonely but, it’s better that being “emotionally abused”, if I can use that term.

3,

Good to hear from you.

I hear you about moving back, but I really don’t want to be there for my own mental health. Nothing I say or do is positive to her. If I breathe air it is a LB to her. It is that bad!

Plan B will allow me to firmly state what I believe to her in a way that she will not be able to refute. It will also allow me to contact OM and let him know what he is up against (He really is dumb as a bag of rocks). I am sure that he will LB when he gets his letter.

I really don’t care what she does, but I will not help decide to D. She has to see that though to it’s ugly end by herself. I am sure that OM is pushing for D. He is in lala land as well. After all they were meant to be together and he is rescuing her from an ogre of a husband(me). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

This is to be her D not mine.

".....If I breathe air it is a LB to her...."

Sorry Luki, but this cracked me up for some reason...Jeez, talk about tempermental!! Plan B sounds like the place for you and you might be surprised at the results you get...I think you've still got a good chance here, Good luck!

litchfield,

It sounds crazy(and funnny, I know) but I swear that is how it is. I might as well be a hardened criminal in her eyes!

I hope plan B does something. It seems so hopeless now. As this day goes on I have digested last nights encounter. I am ready to accept what ever happens. I'm just not going to help with a D.

Thanks for the encouragement.

-Luki

Hi Luki. I'm sorry to hear things are in such a horrible state. Your W seems to be very deep in her fog. I wish I had some wise words for you, but I'm creating my own disasters right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I would say that Plan B is not something you should probably ask advice about. It is about you and only you know when it is time for PB. Geesh, it makes you wonder why people seem to like it in the fog. There is some nasty sh** in the fog, just ask Jamie Lee Curtis.

MTD