My husband and I have went completely down hill over the past 2-3 weeks. We had nearly 2 months of being really close where he was even initiating relationship talk, calling me all the time and coming over all the time. Now, it seems as though he's only coming over when he has his girls for visits. For instance, last weekend he was here all weekend, but of course, he needed to have a sitter on Saturday for his girls as he had to work. Then on Wednesday, he was to have his girls and planned to come for the evening, but instead got called to respond to a fire. Last night, he picked up his girls and stopped by and then left when he had to have them back to their mother's home. Many times he came back after dropping them off, but he's stopped doing that as well.

I've posted here before that our last relationship conversation consisted of him telling me that he was still very confused about what he wants and that he's scared to come back and have us return to our old habits, etc. He hasn't told me that he loves me since shortly after he left and that bothers me as well. Even when we were close and sleeping together, etc. he didn't say it.

I'm having a hard time knowing where to turn with all of this. I have a very difficult time not trying to contact him. My counselor encourages me to write him letters. I stopped around the time we started to become more distant again. Last night I sat down and wrote him a letter and will post it here. Can you please read it and give me some direction? Can you see if you think I worded it in a way that might touch his heart? I've changed his name to (H).
*******************************************
(H),

I really wish I had gotten a chance to talk with you last night, but I entirely understand that there were more important things taking your attention with that fire and all. No problem there. Anyway, I wanted to write this to you and tell you some more of my thoughts. I feel at times it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference to you what my thoughts are, but then there are times that I feel so sure that it does matter to you. Strange how I can feel so sure about you when you give me little reason to do so and when you were giving me reasons to do so, I couldn’t. I guess it just goes to show that my fears of never being able to fully trust and believe in someone are being conquered, slowly, but surely.

Anyway, (H), the last time we had a talk about “us” and our marriage, you told me that you were still very confused. You said you were afraid that we would get back together and just fall into our old habits again. You described how you felt when you were here about you not wanting to leave and then getting mad at yourself because you had been the one who chose to leave in the first place. I’m sure you remember all you said to me.

(H), I want to ask something of you. I don’t want you to feel upset with me. I don’t want you to feel pressured by me. I don’t want you to be angry with me. That is by far not my intention. But, I want there to be some type of progression in our lives and I’m hoping somehow we can achieve that. (H), can you please swallow your fears, your uncertainty, your anger, your pain, your resentment and frustration and commit 100% fully and completely to me and this marriage for at least two months and attend counseling with me? Could you let yourself completely accept the love I’ve tried to give to you and completely open up and show the love and caring that is in your heart for me? Could you not fight the inner battle and let your heart lead you back home? (H), I promise you that if in two months with each of us giving our all, we are unable to reach a point where you feel comfortable with either continuing counseling to rebuild our marriage or coming home, then I won’t ask any more of you. But, I really feel we need to try and do this.

Honey, things seem too right when you’re here. I know you feel it too. Yes, it seems awkward to us at times because neither of us really know where our boundaries are anymore. There are times I want to reach out to you and I’m afraid you’ll reject me. There are times I sense you want to do the same and are afraid to do so for fear you’ll find yourself feeling too much again. Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know. But, I don’t believe I’m wrong about your love for me and I don’t believe I’m wrong when I say that your heart wants you here, but your mind is questioning if it would ever work. You basically admitted that to me.

Counselor and I spoke again about my trust issues and about the way I’ve been feeling lately. We talked about how I’ve felt about myself and what I had to offer you or someone else in a relationship. I told her that I use to think that I didn’t have anything to offer because I only looked at myself as a shell. To me, my shell was fat and ugly and I’d always felt that was who I was because I had always been told that is all I was. But I’ve realized through all this that I have more to offer you or someone else than I ever thought possible. I’ve realized that I’m a better woman than any of those other woman that have crossed my path that lead me to jealousy and anxiety and fear. I’m a better person, a better wife, a better mother, a better everything because I’m ME!! The realization hit me when I actually vocalized it to her. I’m a wonderful, beautiful woman who deserves to be loved and treated with just as much respect as I am willing to give to the man in my life. There are times that I feel like I’ve been lacking on the receiving end of that lately. I want to feel that love and respect I once felt from you. And, you know what, (H), I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW you have it inside of you and that it’s there in its special spot just for me.

She also once again asked me if you would be willing to go in and talk to her so that she could get a sense of direction with my counseling. I told her that I planned to ask you to come to counseling with me or go a week with me and a week without me, etc. She thought it was good for me to ask you She also told me that she didn’t want you to look at her as “MY” counselor and have that deter you from speaking with her if you needed to do so. She talked about client confidentiality, etc., (which of course we both know about and understand) and how if you did speak with her, she couldn’t share things with me unless you directly told her she was able to. She also mentioned the fact that she could refer you to someone else if you felt more comfortable talking with someone else.

(H), you may get upset and feel that I’m pushing you, trying to force you to do something, etc. and I hope that you DON’T feel that way as that is not my intentions at all. I just want to find a way to get out of this rut that we talked about being in. I’ve done so much to change things in myself that needed to change and I’m so glad that I’ve been able to do the things that I have thus far, but I want to show you how I can be. I want to show you who I am buried under all the pain I had. I’ve failed at times; terribly at times, but I always get back on track and move forward through this storm that I’m riding out. (H), I hope and I pray with everything inside of me that you will chose to do the same. Step out off the safety raft and dive into the waves and rough water with me and together we can get to shore; together we can conquer the waves one at a time as they crash into us; together we can survive and be stronger because of it. The one thing that I think we’ve realized by this is that each of us need each other, but we also need ourselves. I think we BOTH lost ourselves for the other and I know I didn’t mean for that to happen for you and I very much doubt you wanted that for me, but it happened as well. But, we know so much that we didn’t know before that I think we can survive and have the most amazing family full of love, happiness and a lifetime of memories to create that our children and grandchildren will speak of for years and years and years.

(H), this really didn’t go the way that I wanted it to go, but I have to get to sleep. I love you Sweetie. I miss you so badly when you’re not here. Please know that you are never alone for I am with you always. My heart is yours forever. I love you.

(H), can you please find a time to truly think about giving it two months at the least and let me know over the weekend? We already went for four months and you still say that you are confused and scared and have doubts. If we give 100% of ourselves to each other and realize how much we’ve missed and what we can become that would be wonderful and if we give 100% of ourselves to each and still have no definite answer, then we can at least say that we tried.

I love you Sweetheart.

Always and forever,

ferbie, I think your letter is fine. It tells him you're not trying to put undue pressures, but work together to try and restore the marriage. Counseling for both is also great. Perhaps if he agrees to it, his confusion will disappear.
It helps to have a professional untangle the messes we make of your lives.
Give him the letter.Let us know his response. You've really written that from your heart. I think that's the best way to communicate sometimes.
God bless,LouLou

Anyone else have any comments or advice.

Please, I really need some help here.

I have few friends. You're all my support!

*******************************************
(H),

I really wish I had gotten a chance to talk with you last night, but I entirely understand that there were more important things taking your attention with that fire and all. No problem there. Anyway, I wanted to write this to you and tell you some more of my thoughts. I feel at times it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference to you what my thoughts are(LB'ed), but then there are times that I feel so sure that it does matter to you. Strange how I can feel so sure about you when you give me little reason to do so and when you were giving me reasons to do so, I couldn’t. I guess it just goes to show that my fears of never being able to fully trust and believe in someone are being conquered, slowly, but surely.

Anyway, (H), the last time we had a talk about “us” and our marriage, you told me that you were still very confused. You said you were afraid that we would get back together and just fall into our old habits again. You described how you felt when you were here about you not wanting to leave and then getting mad at yourself because you had been the one who chose to leave in the first place. I’m sure you remember all you said to me.

(H), I want to ask something of you. I don’t want you to feel upset with me. I don’t want you to feel pressured by me. I don’t want you to be angry with me. That is by far not my intention. But, I want there to be some type of progression in our lives and I’m hoping somehow we can achieve that. (H), can you please swallow your fears, your uncertainty, your anger, your pain, your resentment and frustration and commit 100% fully and completely to me and this marriage for at least two months(don't give time frame, you might need it more time) and attend counseling with me? Could you let yourself completely accept the love I’ve tried to give to you and completely open up and show the love and caring that is in your heart for me? Could you not fight the inner battle and let your heart lead you back home? (H), I promise you that if in two months(at least 6 months) with each of us giving our all, we are unable to reach a point where you feel comfortable with either continuing counseling to rebuild our marriage or coming home, then I won’t ask any more of you. But, I really feel we need to try and do this.

Honey, things seem too right when you’re here. I know you feel it too. Yes, it seems awkward to us at times because neither of us really know where our boundaries are anymore. There are times I want to reach out to you and I’m afraid you’ll reject me. There are times I sense you want to do the same and are afraid to do so for fear you’ll find yourself feeling too much again. Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know. But, I don’t believe I’m wrong about your love for me and I don’t believe I’m wrong when I say that your heart wants you here, but your mind is questioning if it would ever work. You basically admitted that to me.

Counselor and I spoke again about my trust issues and about the way I’ve been feeling lately. We talked about how I’ve felt about myself and what I had to offer you or someone else in a relationship. I told her that I use to think that I didn’t have anything to offer because I only looked at myself as a shell. To me, my shell was fat and ugly and I’d always felt that was who I was because I had always been told that is all I was. But I’ve realized through all this that I have more to offer you or someone else than I ever thought possible. I’ve realized that I’m a better woman than any of those other woman that have crossed my path that lead me to jealousy and anxiety and fear. I’m a better person, a better wife, a better mother, a better everything because I’m ME!! The realization hit me when I actually vocalized it to her. I’m a wonderful, beautiful woman who deserves to be loved and treated with just as much respect as I am willing to give to the man in my life. There are times that I feel like I’ve been lacking on the receiving end of that lately. I want to feel that love and respect I once felt from you. And, you know what, (H), I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW you have it inside of you and that it’s there in its special spot just for me.

She also once again asked me if you would be willing to go in and talk to her so that she could get a sense of direction with my counseling. I told her that I planned to ask you to come to counseling with me or go a week with me and a week without me, etc. She thought it was good for me to ask you She also told me that she didn’t want you to look at her as “MY” counselor and have that deter you from speaking with her if you needed to do so. She talked about client confidentiality, etc., (which of course we both know about and understand) and how if you did speak with her, she couldn’t share things with me unless you directly told her she was able to. She also mentioned the fact that she could refer you to someone else if you felt more comfortable talking with someone else.

(H), you may get upset and feel that I’m pushing you, trying to force you to do something, etc. and I hope that you DON’T feel that way as that is not my intentions at all. I just want to find a way to get out of this rut that we talked about being in. I’ve done so much to change things in myself that needed to change and I’m so glad that I’ve been able to do the things that I have thus far, but I want to show you how I can be. I want to show you who I am buried under all the pain I had. I’ve failed at times; terribly at times, but I always get back on track and move forward through this storm that I’m riding out. (H), I hope and I pray with everything inside of me that you will chose to do the same. Step out off the safety raft and dive into the waves and rough water with me and together we can get to shore; together we can conquer the waves one at a time as they crash into us; together we can survive and be stronger because of it. The one thing that I think we’ve realized by this is that each of us need each other, but we also need ourselves. I think we BOTH lost ourselves for the other and I know I didn’t mean for that to happen for you and I very much doubt you wanted that for me, but it happened as well. But, we know so much that we didn’t know before that I think we can survive and have the most amazing family full of love, happiness and a lifetime of memories to create that our children and grandchildren will speak of for years and years and years.

(H), this really didn’t go the way that I wanted it to go, but I have to get to sleep. I love you Sweetie. I miss you so badly when you’re not here. Please know that you are never alone for I am with you always. My heart is yours forever. I love you.

(H), can you please find a time to truly think about giving it two months at the least and let me know over the weekend? We already went for four months and you still say that you are confused and scared and have doubts. If we give 100% of ourselves to each other and realize how much we’ve missed and what we can become that would be wonderful and if we give 100% of ourselves to each and still have no definite answer, then we can at least say that we tried.

I love you Sweetheart.

**************************

Very good ferbie, you have to avoid LB and also you have to ask for more time not 2 months ... please get him SAA & HNHN to read for. This time you have to follow 4 rules of recoveries otherwise you will have problem again.

Try to read The language of love ... it is a very good book that you could use in communication.

-rh-

<small>[ March 08, 2003, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

ferbie,

I agree with ladylou. Those words are from you. JMO but I don't like putting a time frame on it. Maybe that is better for you so it will make it seem more doable to him.

I like the letter. I think I have written or said these very words on more than one occasion.

Good luck and God bless