I have been married three years. My husband is very supportive and loving. He is complimentry and attentive. However, since the beginning of our marriage I have noticed his interest in porn. I'd find a magazine hidden, x movies ordered on pay per view, and finally internet sites he had visted. At first I shrugged it off..boys will be boys right? But the more I mistakenly found the porn the more obsseed I've become with finding it. I look for it now. I check his hiding spots, I follow his trail on the internet, and I check the cable bill. So now I am angry not just about the porn, but at how it has affected me. It makes me feel crazy snooping like this.
That is not the worse however. The more I see of what my husband apperantly likes the more my opinion of him has deminished. I wonder if I really know this man? What's going on behind that loving face? Worst he seems to have a smoking fetish. He likes to watch women smoke!?Wierd enough, but my younger sister smokes and now every time she's over I wonder what is he thinking and it grosses me out! I wonder all the time about him in fact. I feel like I can't trust him. I recently began reading the MB website and have decied to confront him, but I fear that I will never see him as the same man again. Even if he stops looking at porn the desire will still be there..right? And that bothers me just as bad as the act! I want to love my husband. I want a solid marriage. What do I do??

Well you said you were going to confront him, so good luck with that.

The desire will probably fade though as time goes by. I wouldn't assume that it will always be there.

If what you're reading on MB sounds interesting, try to get a sense of how far apart your marriage is on the four main rules. The more tightly you and your H can sign on to those rules, the easier these types of issues are to talk about and resolve.

Consider bringing yourself up to speed on these before the confrontation. Especially if your H has a history of reacting defensively to these kinds of talks. He may feel attacked or judged very easily and that can spin things off in a really unproductive way.

FWIW, a lot of folks here are capable of forgiving infidelity so you may get a general, "sure you can still love/admire your H after this". It may help to understand some of the generalities of why men look at porn.

Good luck. And I commend you for seeking help on this. I hope these random thoughts provide some help.

<small>[ March 08, 2003, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

You didn't say anything about your sexual life: Whether your H is satisfied with your sexual life. Chances are that he is not. Either you are both aren't doing it as often as he wanted or in the ways that he wanted. Either way that could be the reason he is addicted to the porn sites.

If he is not too open with his sexual desires, its time you tell him. Your wouldn't know about them unless he tells you about them.

Hi Julie,

I have to disagree with the previous responses.

It will not just "go away" nor it is necessarily because you aren't meeting his needs sexually.

Yes, it is cheating. As I told my own husband - I have a right to expect a sexually exclusive relationship with my husband. Porn, and the masturbation activities that go with it, is your husband seeking sexual fulfillment in pictures and within himself, instead of sharing and seeking fulfillment with his spouse.

I have experienced first hand the emotional disconnect that happens when there is porn use. His sexual energies are being spent elsewhere, and unfortunately, become less and less fulfilling. Like any other drug, it takes more and more of it to maintain the same kind of "high".

Considering that sexual fulfillment is often a top emotional need in men, and love is created by fulfillment of those needs...you can see that this can definitely be a problem, when isolated fantasy, porn, and masturbation start filling the need instead of a spouse.

Fortunately for me, I was able to get my husband to understand just how devastating his porn addiction was, and as our relationship has recovered, he has definitely started protecting me from this pain. This was possible because we started using the MB principles (POJA, and the rules of protection, honesty, time, and EN meeting).

Sadly, just confronting your husband with your hurt and knowledge of his activities probably won't work. You'll need to get his willingness to work on your marriage. I would really seriously suggest that you try the counseling offered by the Harley's to build a plan that will get your husband willingly on board.

Good luck, I know how bad it hurts.

((hugs))

Hi Julie-
I've been dealing with this on my own thread too. I think the best thing is to talk to your H. Be open and honest, but don't confront. Also take this time to assess your SF and see if how that is going.

But I don't think use of porn is always related to a problem with SF between a couple. Although since you have a 3 month old baby, there may have been a drop off in frequency of sex- pretty normal but it can be hard for a guy to deal with.

I do think the porn issue can become a vicious cycle and you are wise to talk to him about it now.

There is a good column on porn on Dr. Phil's website that you can print out. He says don't do it.

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: espoir ]</small>