Heres the delema - husbands mother, my MIL, got her eviction notice (3rd) one. We went to court this past Monday. She lost, judge told us, she has 3 weeks to get out of the house she is in. And then there is a ? of 10 days after that or not. SNL is going to ask lawyer to clarify. Of course SNL is living in the house his mother bought from the sale of the house she is being evicted from, which was 3 years ago. SNL has known about this eviction for quite a while. First eviction was I think in Aug. or Sept. Now the pressure is coming out that his mother is scared, doesn't want any of her stuff thrown out on the yard. Our boys took a load to the storage unit today. Also, MIL injured her right wrist yesterday. SNL takes a look at the situation, and says tomorrow, is a day to play. We have 3 weeks. And SNL has had stuff in her garage, a 2 story, 3 car garage filled from top/bottom, right/left. Stuffed. Plus her house stuff, about 1/2 in storage now.

I seem to be taking the crux of this burden, MIL is depending on me to get the kids over to move stuff. Depending on me to have the kids get the stuff over to the storage unit. MIL can't depend on SNL for this move. So, I am trying to be patient with her, and asked SNL, one simple request his mother suggested today. SNL lives in this house of his mothers that she is suppose to move in. It is a 4 bedroom ranch, with a living room, 2 baths, family room. It is not finished, and actually inhabitibal. He has all the rooms filled. One small bedroom, she would like for her stuff to store. In it is has an exercise equipment that is SNL's and she would like it taken out, he has posters of men and women on the wall, that are fit and muscular. She would like the ceiling painted and walls painted a neutral color, and put her extra mattresses in it, some good furniture she has, and hobby paints and things like that in this one room, and she wants it to be totally her stuff. Cause there are problems with mice, she wants to put a board across the bottom of the door where it doesn't quite meet the floor, to prevent critters from getting in that room.

I asked SNL tonight, I was just stating, that she would like that bedroom to be her storage for her good stuff. He said unreasonable. I said, I could have our one son take the equipment apart, he doesn't even use it. And put it in boxes, and store in this big semi trailer he has parked in the driveway at that house. He said, no, that she can just pack things around the unit. He doesn't believe that his mother is entitled to one room for her stuff. He has all the rooms filled with all his junk, and he can't even give up one room to his 71 year old mother. He says I am being unreasonable. Cause I don't agree with him. I said, I think you are being unreasonable, that he is putting so much pressure on his mother, and me. Also, he stated today, that MIL is going to come live with me. And he wants me to give up my bedroom for her. My bedroom that is suppose to be my safe zone. Sure, he lives in a 4bedroom home by himself, doesn't have to worry about anyone, or anything. And I give up my one room to myself. Unreasonable. I get to sleep in this little corner of a room where we have a spare bed. Great being a mother, and wife of SNL. This is the respect I get from SNL, and the uncaring unthoughtful request of SNL. Look whos caring for who.

Well, do you guys think that he is being unreasonable, or not? He stated I am unreasonable, that he is not moving anything, and he can't be told to move anything. Got all huffy, cause I disagree with him, and so I will tell his mother, I tried, your son said no way, you pack your stuff around his exercise equipment, and don't paint it, so the hell with his mother. More selfish, mean spirited, uncaring, unthoughtful, son. I am so mad at SNL, and I have been working my butt off all day, getting boys to help grandma, doing laundry at the laundromat, packing things here, taking vehicles to dealership, and I feel like I am going in circles.

I wish, that God would sake this man by his shoulders and say, my God man what in the h*ll do you think you are, God, NO, you will never take my position.

I feel sorry for my MIL, and I feel sorry for SNL and his ballistic behavior. I know there is something mentally wrong with this man. He goes ballistic too often. And this request, was not unreasonable and she thought it was actually a very good plan. But of course it upsets SNL privacy, in the house he is using of hers. It upsets SNL, in having the whole house to himself. It upsets, SNL that this is not his house, and it is in fact his motheres house.

Well, that is what is happening, and I wish that someone would talk to SNL, and say something to him about his selfish acts.

Call him and tell him this:

"That is YOUR mother, you are living in HER house. Since YOU don't want to act like MY husband, I feel NO obligartion to act like your wife and take care of your mother. YOU deal with it. I am through."

Don't get into an argument with him, just say that and then hang up, and take the phone off the hook, so he knows you mean it.

This approach does sound cruel to your MIL, but it is time SNL stopped using you. Don't let him.

Love and light,

Jacky

I just feel for his mother. And I guess after church I will have a talk with her. I will discuss the event last night, that I talked to SNL and made this suggestion, and it was vetoed by SNL. And tell her that he said put her stuff around the exercise equipment. Forget about painting the room, forget about having one room that is entirely hers. For Gods sake, this is her house, and he won't even give her one room.

Had a hard time sleeping last night so I spent time thinking, and it almost seems like, he doesn't want his mother in that house period. Seems like he wants her to live with me, forever. And he live in his HOVEL till he is ready to pack his semi-trailer and leave this state. I am getting so confused, and this reality hit me last night. Maybe this is what he wants. I wouldn't dare say anything to his mother. Might cause her to have a heart attack or something.

But for him to get so unreasonable, about a simple request that his mother suggested, and for him to act in a manner uncalled for, there seems to be something else up his sleeve.

I don't understand him, all I know is his behavior is uncalled for. All I know is that I hope to GOD none of my children treat me like he is treating his mother. Where is the compassion, the caring? And where does he feel that this house he is living in is HIS.

He doesn't even seem to see the stress his mother feels right now. She has been on a roll of packing, getting stuff in boxes, down by the front door, and having the kids come over and take to her unit. She seems to feel the storage unit is her safe zone. When I was over yesterday, she looks around, and tells me she did this and that, took and stored this in boxes and put that in boxes. She seems to be talking and talking. I know she is scared. She is trying to leave it up to God. And she wants her stuff out of the garage too. We have only 3 weeks, and I can't do all of this by myself (organizing the move). Getting stuff out of the garage is going to be a big job. But I will just wait and see, and if the bulldozers or whatever is here, and all of SNL's stuff is not out of the garage, so be it.

Yes, Jacky, I have to do what you suggested. Hurts like heck in my heart, seems like I have to be the one to be the bad guy. But, hey, God knows that I care and love her.

The last few days before we went to the lawyers, SNL was all over me about 2 things. And I talked to his lawyer, and asked him to tell SNL not to use the kids against me. Gave his lawyer an example of what he does, and his lawyer told him to stop using the kids against me. Also, told both lawyers, mine and his, that SNL wants me to get a mortgage on this house to pay off our daughters credit card which is really high. Both told SNL, it is called tough love. And that no, I am not to do this. He got very loud at the office, and both of them talked to SNL and said no. I could hear him talking, cause they put me in another room. And I heard him say, the interest is killing him. I think this is getting him mad too. Cause he threatened me at home here. And when he was coercing me to do this, he wanted to do this Friday morning before we went to the lawyers. Also, at the lawyers we talked about another issue, that I was not willing to sign some papers. And my lawyer nad his lawyer said there was to be a statement made on the papers, for protection to me.

So there is so much pressure he is putting on me. And with his mother, and moving, and she might move in here. I can't take much more. He works hard, and is doing a good job. But he has had since April when he first moved into her house to get the house done. And he keeps saying to me, there is not that much to do. Why if there wasn't that much to do, isn't it done by now. If my kids treat me like this, I hope to GOD someone shoots me, or I die of a heartatttack. Got to get ready for church. Thaks Jacky for responding. Life is not easy here, and divorce is taking awhile.

Faith,
For a man who can post so reasonably, wanting him mom to live with you, kicking you out of your bedroom, while he has 3 noninhabited bedrooms sounds beyond unreasonable to absolutely nuts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SNL is living in the house his mother bought from the sale of the house she is being evicted from </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is the house in his name? Or, does he pay any rent to her? If neither of those things are fact, can't MIL evict HIM?

Does he have someone else living there?

Lor - No SNL's name is not on the papers. It is totally in his mothers name. No SNL does not pay rent there either. And he has not paid any utility bills either, the gas, electric, water, he uses. His mother pays those bills. The only bills he has paid, is the electric to the barn. Cause that is on a separate line. That is where the horses are, and we have a heated water tank for the horses water. And of course the lights when they are on.

So, what do you think his plan is? I am at a loss, and just hurts that he is being so calous and selfish.

Oh yeah, I get up get ready for church, go to my van. It won't start again. This is really getting old. This piece of crap is so unreliable. So I took my sons van. Son thinks it might be the alternator. I don't like driving this vehicle anymore. It has broken down so many times. Last year we paid $3K to fix the van various different times. Now we are starting for the second time it broke down this year. It is a 95 Ford E150 van, with 148K miles on it. It needs to retire, or someone who can fix vehicles, needs to have it.

Well, I am going to call his mother. And see how she is. Her wrist has been bothering her. She will get it x-rayed this Tuesday. I think. Bye.

Faith,

This is who your husband is. You are repeatedly hurt and shocked because you keep thinking you are going to find compassion, kindness and selflessness where there are none.

Kinda like going to the hardware store repeatedly, looking for bread and milk, and being angry, stunned and shocked when you find hammers and nails!

I think you need to step out from in between SNL and his mother. You are getting divorced, and its none of your business. Yes, I know you care about her, but this is really NOT your problem, and right now, your interference in the mess is NOT loving, it is enabling the mess to continue.

SNL will not budge from his mothers house because he knows he can bully both of you into sharing your house.

I absolutely can not believe that his mother pays the utilities to a home her son is living in. Not only that...but she is enabling him to continue to live there and refusing to allow her to use her own home.

I mean seriously, if she stops paying utilities, he'll have to either start taking responsiblity himself....or move out.

And anyway, she's a grown woman....she's perfectly capable of getting an attorney and ousting him. That she doesn't do this is HER problem. And if you come running to the rescue, all you do is allow it to go on.

All I can say is that if you continue to "care" for his mother, and interfere in a problem that should be handled legally between mother and son, you absolutely deserve all the headache you are going to get as a result.

BrambleRose - I agree with you totally. But how do I take and take my body totally out of her life, and say, MIL this is your problem handle it yourself. I have been there for her, I took her to her Dr. visits, her outpatient surgeries, been there for her, to talk to. She is sort of a loner, and I feel I have helped her in the past. I don't want to hurt this woman, but I did talk to her today, and did state that MIL you have created this scene with your son. I told her, I am washing my hands of helping you with the house, until you set some boundaries with your son. I told her, he is walking all over her, using her, and telling her what she can and cannot do. I said, yes you complain to me, I listen, but I said, MIL do you see you are allowing him to do whatever he wants, at all expenses to you. And you keep letting him tell you what you can and cannot do and pay and you are still paying the utility bills there. She said she knows, and I told her kindly, I love you MIL, I care deeply about you, but I can't do this anymore. I said, I am done, until you set some boundaries. I will have the boys help you move stuff out of your house to the storage unit, but I am done, cause I told her emotinally, I am drained with all the **** I am going through with this ugly divorce, and then have to come home and deal with her and her son, I told her I can't handle any more. I stated, this has been going on for almost one year, (April 2002) and nothing has changed, or very little has gotten done at the house. All becuase, SNL will do what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants. I said, I can't live like this anymore. And I am sorry that you have no place to live. I told her I really don't want you living here. This is allowing her to stay here, takes the burden off the son, that I am taking care of his mother, so he will procrastinate some more. I said, I can't do this MIL, and it is hurting me inside to tell you this, but I can't allow you to live here.

She was so understanding, and said, she realized the same thing. She has a sort of plan underway, we talked and she has some phone calls to make Monday. She is being pressured, and hopefully, I can help her in getting phone #'s, giving her support. But as far as givining in to what SNL wants. NO! And mother in law said the same, no way. So that is the outcome today. I discusses the pressure we both are under. And this could cause both of us to get under each others skin. So we both talked, and stated if we feel one or the other is getting to us, come out and discuss it right away, before it festers and busts.

I think BrambleRose, we are hearing each other. I feel a little better today. I came home from church with an excruciating headache and took a 2 hour nap. Feels much better, just a mild one now. But I feel better talking with MIL. I told her I don't want to hurt her in anyway. And I told her that I love her son, and I don't want to hurt him in anyway either. So she now knows that I am taking a back seat. And she is to be in control, and if she needs help, I will be available. Boundaries, are being set, and I feel much better. Stress was really getting to me.

Thanks Bramble Rose, you helped me in the past, and you seem tohave great knowledge in conflict, and relationships. Thankyou, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Faith4me,

I think it is great that you are recognizing your own limitations in this situation--that is an excellent start in being able to figure out the ways you CAN help and support your mil while she goes through this mess with her son, your stbxh.

Sometimes the best way we can help someone is to direct them to people who have more expertise, experience, and SUCCESS in dealing with their problem.

I strongly suggest that you contact Social Services in your state. There is a branch for adult services that is similar to child protective services. They can assign your mil a caseworker who can investigate her situation and work with and monitor the situation both before and after the eviction/move. That is a caseworker's job Faith4me, NOT YOURS. YOUR RESPONSIBILITY is to give complete and accurate information to someone more experienced and successful in dealing with these types of situations, in this case that would probably be Social Services.

Faith4me, I am impressed that you realize that you cannot have your mil live with you and take care of her in that way. I believe that if you could do it, you would. But you can't at this time--and realizing that you can't and turning it over to someone who can help your mil and intervene on her behalf is probably the best help and support you can give her. You will still be able to help her in the ways that you can do and want to do--ways that are good for BOTH of you.

The time to make the call is now--I don't know if Social Services will be able to postpone the eviction this late in the process, but they do have resources that could facilitate her move into her house. I doubt that any caseworker would approve of your stbxh's idea for his mother's bedroom--I think that at the VERY LEAST she will end up with her own private bedroom in her own house. Plus, other more capable people will be able to intervene on her behalf if she is not being treated the way the law says she has the right to be treated.

You sound like a good daughter-in-law Faith4me. I believe that if you continue to recognize your own limitations in this situation with your mil, you will be able to help and support her MORE in the ways that you can--ways that are good, caring, and loving to--and for--both of you.

The last thing I want to say to you is this--

Faith4me, if you hadn't already taken so many recovery and healing steps for yourself in the last few months, it wouldn't be possible for you to help your dear mil in the ways she needs help now. Nice going and good job! Keep working on the plans for recovery and healing that you formed with your drs and counselors--it is the most giving thing you can do for yourself, and it is the most giving thing you can do for the people you love.

Take care Faith4me