Ok, what I'd like to ask about: How do you/did you recover in your marriage without making your life COMPLETELY about recovery? You know, without making the focus of your every move on recovering after the affair; where everything isn't filtered through the prism of "aftermath of the affair." Where the focus doesn't constantly include the affair; but the BUILDING of the marriage. Positive instead of negative, ya know?

This is the topic that the marriage support group I coordinate is going to discuss tonight and I thought that it might be nice to get some thoughts/tips from others who are doing it and from those who feel they've accomplished this. I'd really love the help here...

TC,

This is probably not the answer you are looking for; but for me I DID make my life completely about recovery from the affair.

It's just a little past 1 year since I found out about the affair and I now feel that it has been successfully dealt with by processing it using MB principles right from the beginning. Now I feel I can move forward with my life without making everything I do be "recovery oriented".

I don't know another way to do it; and don't feel that I had a choice but to handle it the way I did. It worked for me, my husband and my marriage.

How rewarding to lead a group like you are! Blessings, CSue

So, CSue, to make sure I'm on the same page; you feel like for the for the first year, it was somewhat recovery focused, but now it's not?

So, in that first year when you were applying MB principles, how did you handle the insecurities, the relationship-talk, the rebuilding? Did you have set times to talk about your relationship progress/concerns, go out on date nights to make sure you were having fun, go to MC, what?? What did you do when thoughts of the FOP would creep into your mind; how did you handle those fears? I would love to hear any details that you can give me, because there's a lot that goes on between the MB lines...

And yes, although I was VERY apprehensive at first about the group (one of my counselors was concerned to the point that he didn't think I should do it because it was constantly reminding me of our marital downfalls and our got me engrossed with the marital pains of others... for awhile, I agreed with him); it has been a major blessing for me. I'm able to feel like I'm helping others while strengthing myself. And there are others there to help me by providing insight, encouragement, rebukes and socialization (gotta use up those 2000 words a day! lol). I think God knew EXACTLY what He was doing when he dropped this in my lap and now I've taken off running with it!

Blessings back at you!
Calypso

As I sit here, fast and furiously printing stuff out for tonight, I realize I forgot to address those recovering ON THEIR OWN... meaning, those who chose not to (or had the choice made for you) continue their marriages. I'm going to post this on the divorce board, too, but if there are any of you who fit this bill, please respond. We have a few in our group who are now flying solo.

If I am reading this right, my husband and I have followed a set of *rules*

Nothing ever infront of the children

If we go out together, the A is left in a box. No talk of it no matter what.

Affair free days, each of us could/can call these

No A talk in the bedroom or while we were eating together.

If I find something for him to read through the week relating to us or our situation. I will folder it and he reads it on a thursday afternoon. No other day.

Thats basically the guist of what we have done. Must be right somewhere we are healing strongly.