I've used this formum when I went through troubles when my ex-husband who had an affair
left me & our twin daughters to marry his mistress. You were all VERY wonderful. Here I am two years later and been re-married for 4 months now. Life and marriage is WONDERFUL. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I'm 31 yrs old
and have twin girls who are 6 yrs old. I re-married in November 2002 to a WONDERFUL 31 yr
old man who I've known for 9 yrs and worked with him from 1994 - 1998. He only dated a few girls he always says he was VERY picky and wanted to find MRS RIGHT and he said he finally found her "ME". I still read a lot of Dr. Harley's
books. I just want to keep each other "happy"
not just me happy or not just my husband happy but I want to be HAPPY TOGETHER. Just a little bit about my new husband. He works a normal job (7am-5pm - Mon thru Fri) he's a very spirited person always full of fun and laughter. He's a very proud person, very pickey person, his brother calls him a "righteous", anal person. He's a person who says what he feels he doesn't keep nothing back. He a VERY honest and true person. When he was just dating he wouldn't put up with anything he didn't like he would say "see ya" and not think twice about it or feel bad he did it. He's a good christian person with a Christian College background. He has A LOT of friends and is VERY popular because he's so friendly and talkative. His family is awesome and close. His mother and my mother passed away when he was 10 and I was 20 when my mother passed away, they both had cancer. We've always got along great and we've been good friends for 9 years. He always thought to himself when he worked with me, "why can't I find a girl like that" I've always thought, why is he single, he's very nice, fun, very talkative, good looking and popular. I've known him since 1994 and we married in 2002. He is the absolute best thing that ever happened to me and my twin daughters. I always looked down on myself for being a divorcee & I never thought anyone would want anything to do with me because of all my baggage.
But along came my new husband. He loves me more
than I thought was imaginable. It was NEVER about sex we were true best friends who fell in love. I was married to my first husband for 9 yrs. He was a police officer and was NEVER home.
He was basically a roomate to me and I was his maid who fixed dinner when he was home and did his laundry. Then my ex husband started this affair at work with a 911 dispatcher then married her. It's so amazing that even though I was married to this man for 9 yrs he seems like a total stranger to me. When I started dating my husband now I realized how much I was taken advantage of. My new husband is a VERY strong person. I just want to keep it that way. The only thing that scares me to death is that he has put me on such a high pedestal that if I don't live up to it he won't be happy anymore. He's always been so happy, cheerful and full of spirit and on some days he's quiet and doesn't show me much affection like he used to when we were dating. We don't fight we always talk things over. My new husband is not a fighter/yeller.
Maybe I'm just looking into this too much. I just DO NOT ever want to get into a "rut" I've always told my new husband that I always want to see him with such spirit and joy that he has.
My new husband has been a batchler for 30 yrs
I just don't want to overwhelm him with all my craziness or over reating about something that I'm looking too much into. I just don't want to lose him by telling or asking him why are you quiet "why this or why that" We both made an enthusiastic agreement to start a family.
We are together all the time but my husband was so used to going out with friends and being around his friends, some of them give him a lot of crap about it. I just don't want to have the person I fell in love with change because of me or be unhappy. To the men out what keeps you happy am I too nice and too much of a door mat because I'm so nice, kind and forgiving. I'm never a ***** or get mad. I do on the other hand take some things too serious and take things hard. I am sensitive but yet I hold things in that bother me. People say I am the nicest sweetest, kind and caring person. I am just your old fashion girl that likes out doors, horses,
cooking, hunting and likes to have fun. I am a little shy at times until I get to know you. I just want to know how to make a man happy, keep my marriage alive and full of joy and happiness? Does my husband seem unhappy or is it just a man thing? THANKS, LOVEMESS

LoveMess,

I was a batchelor until 31. I really enjoyed the batchelor life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Had few close calls but never found the right one. I always told friends I wouldn't marry until I found a girl that I liked being with more than the guys. A few came close, but only one met the requirements. That was 27 years ago.

I did change, but I wanted to. The truth be known I was already changing, hanging with the guys wasn't as much fun. Been there, done that, forgotten most of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My point, you need to do two things. Ask him questions and communicate. Let him deal with his changes, my guess is that he wants to change into being an H and a father. He married you because he was ready to. He loves you because you bring new and happy things into his life. Don't paralyze yourself with too much analysis, but do pay attention.

He isn't a kid. He should handle you asking him how he is feeling. He should see you smiling and happy, and he MUST know what makes you happy, so tell him. You will do just fine as you round of the rough edges his friends says he has. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am glad you life is turning out so well.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL for your advise. I hope you don't mind if I ask you more questions or ask for a man's advise. I just can't believe I found someone similar to my H. I never thought of it that way that he's just adjusting to being
an H and father. I just really do not know what to do. I don't want to smother him with questions to push him away from me. But yet it does scare me it seemed like it just happened over the weekend. We went away with another couple for the weekend to Minnesota after that he just seemed more distant. We went with his best friend and his girl friend of 5 -1/2 yrs.
His best friend is just like my H. He's 31 yrs old never been married. My H best friend does NOT like Public Affection. He said it creates Public Erection. He is always distant from his girl friend in public. Both my H and his best friend would only be with the "right" person but it also takes the "right" woman to be able to put up with them too. Hope that makes sense. I love my H for him I don't want to change him because that was the person I feel in love with. But when he has these quite times and a little distant times it scares me. I'm the type of person that I want to fix things make them better. He also seems to be quiet in bed we used to just talk or if we were quiet he would ask me what I was thinking about so things weren't so quiet. Now I ask him and he just says our life or home. I ask him what about our life and home is he thinking about and he says raising a family and adding onto the house (in more details of course) but he used to just express himself all the time. My H also always has to have everything very exciting like conversation to food. How can I be more exciting in conversation so he's not so quiet? I just don't know what to talk about because what's going through my mind is what he's thinking about, why isn't he talking like he normally does, I wonder if he's not happy like he thought he was earlier in the relationship. What is comforting to me is that my H is the type of person who knows what he wants and settles only for the best so I know he's with me because he
loves me but I want to keep it that way. He also a very willing and strong person to do what it takes to make things work. He told me if he ever get stupid to just hit him over the head with a blunt instrument. That was also when he would say so many nice things he still does but not like before. Now since my H is sometimes quiet or distant I also get that way out of fear because I feel it's my fault and I need to give him space but I know that can lead to problems too. We have to talk. But what about, without pushing him away from me because of the way I look into things for more than they really are.
But he's been a lone a long time when he was at home he was quiet and no one to talk to. But when he's with his friends he very excited and talkative. Maybe I'm just borning. What do you like in a woman that sparks your attention in conversation and just general everyday life.
My H is not very sensitive sometimes that scares me because he brother is the opposite. He's like woman, very sensitive, and gets very emotional when he has woman problems. It drives my H crazy he just tells his brother to move on. I know I should just relax and not look to much into this but I just want to be on top of things before there could be a problem.

Thanks again. Sorry so long but I have to tell someone.

LoveMess-

Wow, you seem to be a very attentive wife!! For what it's worth, I'd suggest that you be careful not to lose your own identity while trying to figure out all of this stuff about your H. Just as he can't "make" you happy, nor can you him. As I'm sure you know, M is a two way street so if there are things going on that you're not comfortable with, by all means discuss it with your H! Don't worry about coming across as trivial or bothersome...if it concerns you, he really should be available to discuss it. Just remember that your worth as a person and wife is not defined by others. It comes from within...Good luck!

LM,

I don't have much time, but this reminds me of a joke. I don't recall all of it, but the GF is stressed out because she is worrying about BF thinks, and what he feels, and if his feelings are hurt, etc. He on the other hand is simply down because his baseball team lost. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think you will learn that if your H is well centered he will be quiet. I also think the life of the party show he puts on while out is NOT him. I am guessing but I think he is comfortable with your and therefore doesn't need to try and perform like he does in public.

Having said this, it is good that you are aware of his quiet times. But I think you need to explain to him your fears. You are recovering from your previous marriage and are perhaps more sensitive than a normal W might be. So explain that to him: " His being quiet is not a problem, but you worry that you are failing." " So there is no problem with quiet, but would he mind if you asked about it to reassure yourself?"

Now on to other things. Responsibility. If you H is a very responsible man, then he is worrying. About what you ask. The kids college expenses, mortgage on a bigger house, will he be able to keep you happy, etc. Men tend to worry about those things more than relationships. They worry about failing to provide. Taking on a new W and twins is quite a task, and a considerable adjustment. He is used to quiet. You never saw this side because you weren't living with him.

I don't think you have any problems. I think it is sweet that you are concerned. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So talk to him, explain that you don't want to bug or nag, but you aren't the most confident person and you really worry that you aren't making him happy.

Now if he has his head screwed on straight, you will explain that YOU are not supposed to make him happy. That is HIS job. But, you can make him feel loved, and cared for, which incidently does lead people to be happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM, talk, communicate, ask him what he thinks. This is a team sport and the team members need to get their signals straight.

God Bless,

JL

Hope you are out there again JL. I need some more advise. I just found out yesterday I'm
pregnant. My husband was excited, happy but yet I feel a little bit like a burdon. As you know my husbands friends are big "party people" & now my husband is VERY tied down. First he got married now he's going to be a dad. We have plans to be with all these friends this weekend to get out of town & stay in a cabin on a lake & have fun (party) but now I'm the wallflower. My husband said a long time ago when I get pregnant he's not drinking either but last night he said he knows he told me that but he thinks he will now. Which is no problem. Like I said my husband just says what's on his mind. He said he's happy BUT had in mind that he would have our addition done on the house this late fall I would tell him I was pregnant then. I told my best friend, she said oh this soon, I just think kids put A LOT of stress on a marriage/relationship. But I told her
my husband came into the marriage with me & twin girls. That's why he waited so long until he was ready to get married & have kids. My husband said to me last night that he wants me to always be the same as I am now. (Not meaning my body)
How would you feel from a man's point of view & knowing our situation. I told him straight out I feel like a burdon somewhat. How do I not damper our relationship? I'm just scared but I don't want to keep telling him I'm a burdon because then he'll believe it. His friends will be the worse & probably shy away us because we are NO FUN anymore. On top of that some of the girl and guy friends of his want exactly what we have but their significant other either doesn't want to get married or if they are married one of them don't want kids. So now that I gave this all to Pete what they want, they will not like me.
My main concern is my husband. I want to make sure we are BOTH happy. It just scares me what my friend said because she said that what happened to her marriage & they divorced. There was other issues too but she said that was the main damper.

Thanks,
Lovemess

Hellooo LM,

Quit worrying or you will ruin all of the fun. Your life is fun right? Well, take it as it comes. His friends will adjust. If you wanted or all he wanted was to party your life away, neither of you would have married.

I will tell you as a guy, the baby almost always comes "too soon" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I don't know a guy that this doesn't shock. It does add to the responsibility and I sure did worry about it. Heck, I still worry about my kids and taking care of my family after all these years.

So realize that this is what you two wanted. Enjoy it, if you have twin girls they are probably very excited. I am sure his family is excited. I will bet even he is excited. But maybe a bit frightened as well.

LM calm down and quit worrying so much. I do think that you need to address the damage done by your first marriage. NOT ALL MEN RUN AWAY, we really don't. AS for the partying, that will end, as you well know but he can handle that, so can you. As your twins get older and into school things your life is going to turn from parties to school events, and that NEVER seems to end. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you are continuing to be worried about this talk with H, and perhaps a counselor. You are doing fine LM. Keep up the good work.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Make sure to take some time to focus on yourself as well.

Your husband is a very straight-forward person. Why don't you just ask him why he is quiet? If you've read Men From Mars / Women From Venus, you would learn that men tend to think their problems through in their own private world, while women would be more likely to talk them through. Perhaps he is worried about the house, the mortgage, the kids, etc. and he is trying to think through the issues. That doesn't mean he is unhappy.

You think that your husband is a strong person...there is a reason for that. I would guess that he doesn't complain much, doesn't show much weakness to you, etc. That is why you think he is strong. Most men realize that women (in general) want strong men. Showing weakness is just something that men do not do.

I will let you know a little of my background. I am 23 and divorcing my wife. She had an affair because I was no longer "fun, laughing, etc." We got married in summer of 2000, built a house during 2001, and she began an affair in early 2002. Her time of unhappiness beginning corresponds to when we started preparing to build a house. I tried to fill the role of a strong provider, but neglected to fulfill the rest of her needs. She turned to someone who has no job or responsibilities and started an affair with him. It's easy to be fun and laughing all of the time when there is nothing to worry about. That's why people generally refer to high school or college as the funnest time of their lives. All play and no work! It is hard to be fun constantly when you need to get up early for work next day so you can pay bills to keep a roof over your head.

I suggest you talk with him or try to get away with him alone for a weekend. You need to sort this stuff through before you end up in a situation similar to mine.