I'm writing this for two purposes: 1. to vent and 2. to see if anyone can explain to me or attempt to explain the rationale behind my wife's actions.

Here's the story:

It's almost been a week and I still don't have a desire to speak with my W. Unfortunately, this means that we cannot communicate about our S, so our mutual friend is once again acting as a messenger. Last Sunday when I dropped off my son I gave my W a note asking for some things. I had our friend read them. One of my petitions was about visitation this Wednesday (tomorrow). I will explain this in more detail. Anyway, my W never responded so our friend called her tonight to find out her answer. Once again she shows how much effort she is putting into her son visiting his dad.

This is what I asked for...

Next week I will not be able to see my son so I asked my W if I could pick him up from school tomorrow Wednesday, have him sleep over and return him to her Thursday evening. She asked our friend what I was going to do with him in the morning since I have to work. My friend did not have an answer initially but when she asked me I told her to tell her I was going to work from home and drop him off at school at noon (he is only going to half day kindergarten). First question I ask, is this an unreasonable request?

She told our friend that she was willing to do one of two things: 1. I could have him Wednesday from 5-8 and Thursday from 5-8 with no overnight stay. 2. He could stay overnight and she was going to pick him up at our house in the morning. The fact that she is willing to pick him up at our house is a great shock to me! What is she trying to prove with this? She has refused to do this and has told me if she picks him up at the house I have to come pick him up at OM's house.

I told our friend to tell her that I was willing to pick him up at school at 3:00pm Wednesday, have him overnight and that she could pick him up between 11:00 and noon Thursday or I could drop him off at school. She told our friend she was going to think about it. Who is she consulting? Again, I ask, is this unreasonable?

She called our friend a couple of hours later and told her that I could pick him up at 5:30pm at our friends house (what happened to 5:00pm???) and that she was going to pick him up at our house at 8:30am. I said OK. What else can I do? I don't want to make a big deal out of everything.

What is she doing???

Last time, she told me she was going to do the minimum as stipulated in the state guidelines for visitation. She knows d*mn well our S keeps insisting on seeing me more often.

Is she trying to get back at me because lately he has shown a preference towards me, because he is so disappointed with her?

Is she trying to make me lose it like I did last Wednesday and therefore try to prove me an unfit parent? Part of the provocations she's been doing to me the last 8 months?

What is she trying to achieve by this? Is she so out of it she cannot see I can use this against her in our custody case, by not allowing her son to see his dad?

Or does she know something I don't. What is she going to say when asked why she prevented her son from seeing his dad? Is she going to fabricate stories that will make it look like it's not healthy for our S to be with his father?

Who can help me make sense of all this???

I am utterly upset, but you know what, I called my sister to prevent myself from calling my W, so I'm finally putting into action all I've learned. After calling her I did not remain so upset, the inner peace taking over me, knowing I'm not at fault here.

Thanks, everyone.

<small>[ March 11, 2003, 09:37 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

uc,

We, BS, will be forever the bad guy since WS is not happy with current life in la la land and we are the easy target. BS always tried to make sense and try to guess why do WS do that ? ... one answer ... selfishness. I do not believe WS intentioanly make BS life hard nor make impossible but their selfishness creates unreasonable action under normal human standard. More evidence of Alien abduction.

BTW, read "Joint Custody with a Jerk" by Julie A. Ross & Judy Corcoran. You need it. I love that book. It will make you understand why.

-rh-

I feel that she is trying to upset you on purpose. Maybe to prove that you are unfit? Maybe because she has seen the positive changes in you and doesn't think it will last so she is trying to change you back? Maybe because she knows it makes you utterly upset?

Either way be strong and keep track of her actions as it may be of assistance in custody hearings.

STTSI

utter surprise! utter confusion!

My W called me at 8:15 right when I was waking up my son to let me know that she could pick him up at noon or I could take him to school at 12:15. I reminded her that's what I counter-proposed a couple of days ago. She then answered that our mutual friend only said 11:00 and she couldn't at 11:00. Even if that's true, she could have said, "I can't at 11:00 but can at noon," or whatever.

Anyway, I'm not complaning. It's great to have my son with me. The last minute change of mind puzzles me and I will try to put it behind me. That's not preventing me from enjoying my son and taking care of him. Of course, what goes through my head is that since OM's kids go to school in the morning, they thought it would be perfect to have wild and noisy, adulterous sex without the worry of the kids waking up. I will have to see her at school and sometimes it hurts just to see her for the above reason. I can see I'm not over this affair yet but these movies don't come as often anymore and the big ol' stop sign works like a charm.

The other day I was thinking that from what I see and hear, she must be very happy with OM and I was asking out loud, "why is she so happy while I am in pain?" How many of you have gone through that? Granted, the pain is not as intense as before but I still wonder about the fairness of it all.

Thanks again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by utterlyconfused:
<strong>The other day I was thinking that from what I see and hear, she must be very happy with OM and I was asking out loud, "why is she so happy while I am in pain?" How many of you have gone through that? Granted, the pain is not as intense as before but I still wonder about the fairness of it all.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A will end. Not now and not yet. The stat is against them 5% to M ... and as any M 50% ends up in split up again ... minus nonfullfiling M. If you believe in karma, they will pay for this A sooner or later and the longer the deed the harder it would hit them.

My ex has a bruise under her eyes couple weeks ago and OM has a bite mark under his arm. Is that a fullfiling R ?. Just stay away from them and go on with your life ... because you are in pain doesn't mean they are happy. Right now the only thing is under your control is your misery ... pain is given but misery is optional.
-rh-

UC you do not know that for a fact. Redhat has an excellent point and your perception may turn out to be totally wrong and on top of that, it is totally destructive and unproductive for you to play these speculative thoughts in your head.

What is true, is that your WW is now totally dependent on the OM and will have to face the day to day stresses of reality with him. She will not only see his good side, but more importantly, his dark side which she has not had a chance to experience prior to her moving in with him. She may regret the day she fell for this man, if his dark side starts to take over and starts making her life miserable. And since she does not have the relationship tools for trying to save a relationship, the moment that times start getting tough with OM, she will be at a loss as to what to do to save it. The odds are definetely NOT in favor of her A lasting and becoming something durable.

<small>[ March 13, 2003, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: 2MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Fairness? Ain't no fairness in this game, at least that's my experience so far :-( maybe, in the long run. I still can look myself in the mirror, you too. WS generally not.
Sorry to see that she jerks you around playing with custody. Just be gentle & firm & agree visitation times & rights. Maybe it's worth putting something in writing?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by utterlyconfused:
<strong>utter surprise! utter confusion!

..... what goes through my head is that since OM's kids go to school in the morning, they thought it would be perfect to have wild and noisy, adulterous sex without the worry of the kids waking up. I will have to see her at school and sometimes it hurts just to see her for the above reason. I can see I'm not over this affair yet but these movies don't come as often anymore and the big ol' stop sign works like a charm.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">UC,

These situations run through the BS head over and over again. The scary piece is that then in some cases the story becomes reality in our head (a type of fog) and we may make decisions on it (more fog), then look stupid (like the WS). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But if you really believe those things are happening and you feel you must do something.....send a person over there (pizza delivery man or some sort of repairperson,etc.) at that time and break the mood. LOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Just kidding..... or am I??!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<small>[ March 14, 2003, 01:27 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

UC-

She is NOT completely happy - She is an addict that will eventually lose her fix! She is daily dealing wtih the guilt of tearing her family apart. Currently she is susprressing this, but trusts me, it is building inside of her....Just a matter of time until it all comes tumbling down.

She's also playing a power game with you over son. She knows that ANY reaction from you is sign that you STILL have feelings for her. WS FOG thought. She is trying to hurt you because she is in pain. It's working too. You need to hide your pain and soncerely do a 180 on her. The less emotion you show her the closer she will want to be to you. WS FOG thought again....

UC I am sorry for your pain but you need to try and get those thoughts out of your head. Trust me I know it is hard but it is not healty for you to be thinking about what WW and OM are doing.

Good luck and do what is best for your S.

STTSI

UC ... did my angels find you yet?

Just keep your head as best you can and don't give her anything she can fight you with. You're on the right path. This may end unfair for you, but you're on the right path.

And, not to flog a dead horse, stop specualting about her intentions and her feelings. What matters now are your intentions and feelings ... and your son's. Continue to protect them all with everything you have.

All of you have been great with your posts! Lots of good advice.

I know the thoughts are self-destructive but I have to tell you that the STOP sign works like a charm! I'm finally using it successfully. The thoughts are less in frequency, much less. When they do come I have the necessary tools to make them stop.

In a way, I keep looking forward to a future without her. I went to TX today, a one day trip, to look at houses, etc. The move would take place in late summer if I get transferred. I came back excited about a new life there. So, yes, the future looks brighter.

I also stopped being combative about her reluctance for my S and I to spend time together or talk on the phone. Custody evaluation is coming and I'm keeping a diary of everything she does regarding my R with my S. My S can now see how she is the obstacle.

Orchid, I have to tell you the interruption has crossed my mind many, many times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Kily, "She is trying to hurt you because she is in pain." That is an interesting perspective. Lately I have been curt with her, only answering her questions briefly. Yesterday, she wanted to know why I was making so many changes next week and asked me if I was traveling somewhere. I just answered shortly that I needed to make those changes, period. It must be eating her alive because she asked our mutual friend twice, asked my son and asked me. Do I have plans next week? Yes, I do, does she need to know them? No, unless it directly affects our son. I'm learning. I think it is finally catching up with me: not showing her any feelings.

whippit, the angels are here. They are taking care of me in unbelievable ways. But you know, they are not helping where I wish they would be, instead they are helping where I NEED to be helped. I feel it; I know they are there.

Thank you all.