Hi all,

an old timer here... I only don't post oftenly now, but still read a lot.

After 3 years of struggle, I think I've come to the end of my patience. If I am to save my sanity, my D's too, I believe I must separate from WH.

I guess I still get more attention from WH than many of you get, but, it worths nothing because the A continues. He keeps saying that I won, he's home again (after 7 months living in BIL's apartment) and has no intention to leave... But, absolutely refuses to talk about ANYTHING - I can't even say how I feel about something, God forbid that I ask him to answer a question - anywhere even distantly related to A - he turns to an angry, raging freak, start yelling at me, shout I DON'T WANT to talk, NEVER, EVER ....

Don't take me wrong, I don't insist, only sometimes, when I'm really hurt by something I try to convey that message to him, in a loving manner. In a way, he wants to sweep everything under carpet and just keep going...

Well, I would maybe accept that, if I knew he's commited now. But he's NOT. The A is very much alive and ongoing, and I have SOLID PROOF about that. They're in daily contact, mostly via cell phone - and I have a track record of ALL his texts messages and calls, sometimes hers too. No, I don't have texts, but sometimes I manage to read her messages to him and boy, they are private, not work related (they're co-workers). Two days ago I discovered he sent her a message 0.30 AM!! - and I was in bed, beside him! Also, I travel a lot, and of course he spends time with her whe I'm away (again, I have proof).

Sadly, but this is not the end of the story: there is another OW in the picture too, for some months - a 26yo newly divorced bimbo with 2 small kids. If I could judge by what I know, and by her character, this one is only for fun, maybe some sex. Anyway, it hurts badly ...

To make a looong story short - I'm just fed up, I had it enough, and really think I've done everything possible to save that marriage - but I just can't take it anymore. Right, if i want this status quo, I can have it for ages, but no thanks.

Bad thing is, I can't kick him out, legally, because the apartment is on his name. I would't be able to do it even if the flat was mine, because we're married, and legally it's not then possible in my country (middle Europe). he won't go willingly, says he came back to stay and feels as if I'm trying to expell him.

I tried to explain him that I just don't understand why he stays here if he's not happy and wants to be with her, but he says he does'nt percieve it this way, but rather as I'm trying to expell him. So, we're coming nowhere with talk. Besides, he gets mad every time when I want to talk with him, so here we stop.

Nothing resolves, I can't move on in this situation, D is also very sad and unhappy ... and I have no money to leave and rent an appartment on my own.

What should I do??

Thanks for listening.

Adrian

My suggestion, and this may be totally off base, but I say give him what he wants for now. Be his roommate. Live with him like that. Work on you. Be happy with you. Do you have a job? If not get one. Start putting money aside so that soon you and your D can move out and get your own place. That way he has none of the control in his hands.

Sorry I don't have much else to offer. I wish you all the very best. Hang in there. You are strong enough to survive. Take care.

I have no money to leave and rent an appartment on my own.
And if you were to divorce, what would you do? How about living with Mom/Dad/sister for a while?

Thank you Princess and Chris.
Yes, being a roommate is what I do for now. But it's very hard and drains all my energy. It also destroys my self esteem - basically, I'm enabling him to have his cake and eat it too. I hate myself for that, and I send a wrong message to my daughter - that it's perfectly all right if you allow men to do what they please and destroy your life as they please - with no consequences.

All this brought me to hate that man, though do some house job for him is a nightmare for me - I have to cook and let him eat with us at the same table, I have to do the laundry, iron his shirts, tidy up rooms, was the dishes ... I've come to the point that I just want to run away - as soon and as fast as I can - but I can't. I feel trapped and think he knows that very well.

I have no family to stay with, nor the money to go on my own. I have a job, but poorly paid. Trying to find better one, but it will take time (high unemployment ratio here). In the meantime, I'm dying inside and not sure how much more could I take.

God bless,
Adrian

Dear Adrian

I am so sorry to hear your story and how sad you are at this difficult time.

I don't know which country you are in, but is it possible you could get some legal help? Here in the UK, we have the Citizen's Advice Bureau (CAB) which provides free legal advice, or you can even see a Solicitor and may be entitled to legal aid. Is this possible in your country? I am sure it would help you no end to understand and find out legally how you may stand in relation to the flat etc.

You do not have to put up with your WH's and unacceptable and frankly cruel behaviour. You and your D deserve better.

Stay strong and wishing you well from London.
Lisa