I am 43 and Wife is 33. We have a two-year-old girl and have been married 3.5 years. We rarely fight and everything was going great with our marriage I thought. Recently we bought a new house (6 months ago) and finically we are strapped. This was a change, I have a good job, but we are going through a rough and slow time at work. She did not want to work outside the home and she tried several home businesses to keep our child out of day care. They did not work out and she tried several part time jobs, which did not work out also. The reason any of them did not work out was not her doings – Two closed up and two cut back.
Three month ago she when out with the girls for drinks, they ended up in a dance hall. Now she cannot seem to stay away from the night-light. After three out of four weekends of her going out with the girls, I confront her with the problem that this type activity will cause. I did not think she was seeing anyone then because she was always with one of a neighbor’s wife and went to different bars. She said she was sorry and would stop, but that she loved the attention she got. When I asking her to go out dancing with me, she always had a reason not to go with me.
She went to see her family two month ago while I stayed with our baby at home.
She did the same thing two weeks later, I found out she was going to a local bar with her sister (43) & her sister’s boy friend (50) and staying out all night. I asked her to stop this and she agreed and said she was sorry. We never had a fight about this, just discussed it.
Two week later she said she was moving out and staying with her sister to be around her family. Her sister has got her a full time job and she put our daughter in day care four hours way from our home. She says she want to keep going to these bars and that she is just having fun.
Through this all she keep saying she loves me and want our marriage to work, but she had to be around her family.
She has always been close to her family and we had discussed moving closer to them on regular basics before this. - Her family has had a rough go with illness and deaths.
I said we would work this out, but please stay out of the bars. She stays out only to the next weekend.
I travel to where she was living ask to go to this bar, to see for myself why she could not stay away. The mimute we walked in you could tell why she like this place. The minute she walked in she was getting attention from every man in the place. She has always been a flirt, but in the past she had direct most of her attention towards me. But not this night, which hurt more because we had talked before about my doubts. This is a very small town and several men & women inquire when we where getting a divorce. After an hour of this while she was at the bar talking to two guys, I when up and asked her to leave. She finally left and blew up in the car – I had ruined her night and she wanted a divorce.
She later changed her mind and said she still loved me. She is still over there (4 hours away) and wants to stay while I sell our house and move into an apartment here in Texas.
I have told her that I would move to this small town, but she says that I could not find a job making what I make in this small town.
She had keep on most of her weight that she gained at childbirth, but she was still a very attractive women. I never said anything negative about this. She has felt bad about her self and we had talked several times about joining a gym for over a year.
Since moving away she has lost twenty pounds, wants braces, and bleached her teeth.

I love her very much, What can I do?
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Hi,

I'm a little confused as to your story. Is she saying she wants to live four hours away where her parents are. You sell the house and move to an apartment where your job is, not where she is.
if so, you might want to find the 50 signs of a affair, because that doesn't sound like you have all the story.

I will go find it for you ok.

I found it


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Below is a list of 50 indicators that your spouse is having an affair. It was compilied from the posting topic: Giveaway Habits of an
Adulterer..... and originally posted November 13, 1999 at 04:35 PM. I have tried to combine the original list with the additions from the follow-up messages. I have made minor changes and if there are any errors or omissions of course they are mine

50 Indicators of Infidelity.

1. A sudden upturn in their demeanor or outlook on life.
2. Constantly late.
3. More possessive toward wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.
4. Comes home more often with alcohol on breath.
5. Starts talking about getting together with old friends they haven't seen in years.
6. Starts shopping for new clothes.
7. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance.
8. Starts keeping an overnight bag in their car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis.
9. Orders dishes or new household items never ordered before.
10. Does not look at other women/men as much as they used to.
11. Starts working late and on holidays and weekends.
12. Express opinions on subjects that they never had an interest in.
13. Takes a new interest in anticipated schedule.
14. Encourages you to visit parents or friends alone.
15. They give you gifts that show a new level of taste or insight about the opposite sex.
16. Car is kept free of paraphernalia belonging to you or the kids.
17. Starts attending extended seminars or conventions.
18. Start using new words and phrases.
19. At odd hours they start remembering things they forgot to do at the office.
20. They suggest that you open up separate checking accounts.
21. Often forget to wear wedding ring.
22. Takes the dog for much longer walks.
23. Makes more phone calls late at night.
24. A marked change of attitude towards secretary, colleagues or friends.
25. Suddenly takes up new hobbies or friends that take them out of the house in the evenings and weekends.
26. They talk about a movie they've seen but you have not.
27. They insist on answering the phone.
28. They call out a different name in sleep.
29. Smell of a different soap from the brand at home and/or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am.
30. They care about how breath smells. New mints, gum, etc. found around house.
31. Uses pre-paid calling card/pager/cell phone for the first time ever.
32. Loses a lot of weight and seems proud of new body.
33. Saddest list item is: change in die-hard pro-life feelings on abortion.
34. Gut feeling. The biggest indicator of an affair is just feeling that it is so.
35. Juvenile behavior and music interests!!!
36. Uses more kid slang than the kids!!!!!
37. Knows all the new pop singers and has CD's.
38. When they lose stuff they accuses you of gettting into their "stuff"....
39. Uses the ATM way too much!
40. All of a sudden, their attitude about people who cheat changes, e.g., "we shouldn't judge because we don't know their whole story."
41."It wasn't a dinner date - it was just a way of saying thank you for carpooling"
42."I never lied about being married - she never asked me, so I just didn't bring it up"
43. Grocery shopping and other excuses to get out "alone."
44.The one difference is that my Wife wants our kids to like the other person because in the back of her head she thinks she will be with him. Very sickening. !!!!!!!!!!!
45. Carries toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash at all times.
46. When other person is co-worker, can't wait to get to work each day .
47. Becomes great friends with people going through divorce.
48. Defends other who are/have/will cheat(ed/ing).
49. Distances themselves from those with strong (any) moral values.
50. Gets "coded" pager messages at all times of the day and night

[This message has been edited by Triumph2 (edited February 23, 2000).]

By all means my thoughts are not those of a professional, but it sounds like W felt that attention from you was not sufficient.

Did you make her feel special?

Does she think that your attention is only from obligation?

Just some thoughts. Sounds like W doesn't realize what she has at home. To me, my family is the most important thing in the world. Some 'cheap' attention from a few drunks at a bar is hardly worth ruining a M and yours and your child's lives.

I hope she wakes up to reality. Good Luck.

What you have is a wife who does not respect you or value her marriage. She is playing mindgames with you. The chances are very high that you will end up being divorced eventually if you enable this situation to continue without putting your foot down. The fact is that as a married woman she should not be going into bars to dance with other men. Moving in with her sister and putting your child into a daycare so that she can continue going to these bars should not be tolerated by you. As things stand right now you might as well be divorced because you are living separate lives. My advice is get her to go for marriage counselling with you. It is not good enough for her to say she loves you. She needs to show by her actions that her first priority is the marriage and her family. If she does not, then you should go for Plan B and hope she comes to her senses.