Yes, technically you're married still. But I think you already knew the answer.

A recovery plan has been very helpful to me. Gave both of us hope. Provided things for both of you to work on. Having a WS who was on board with the plan helped a lot. Feelings have changed. Sometimes before actions. Sometimes after.

Where are you in your recovery plan?

If you don't have one, I think folks here can offer useful tips, but it helps to have someone coach you through one.

Not only are you technically married, you are legally married.

If she was over at your house hanging out, they both broke your trust and behaved rather wretchedly.You are going to have some issues to deal with.

Some things I think you should pursue with your husband, since he hung back while the restraining orders were being arrange, is that he should send her a "no contact" letter. That he has no intention of ever seeing or talking to her again.

And, I'd also strongly encourage counseling, because in letting her into your home, with you there...he's violated your home, how he could do that is something that needs to be addressed, it's beyond unfaithfulness.

If he changes his behavior, your marriage can recover, but it will take effort, both of your efforts.

His affair is not a case of you failing him. No spouse deserves to be cheated on.

And...get rid of the pictures, or, at least put them somewhere in a labelled box so you'll never accidentally come across them.

Read everything on infidelity on this site. Dr. Harley's book SURVIVING THE AFFAIR is an excellent reference to start off with.

I suppose you are still married technically, even though you may not feel like it.
I know that you are very unhappy and miserable, but it sounds like H is sincere. In fact, I know in my heart that H is sincere. I have heard that it is possible for marriages recovering from an A can become stronger and better than they ever were. I think that you and he are one of those couples. I have also heard that "you don't know how much you love someone until they are gone". I lost my grandparents a long time ago and I have never dealt with it. I almost lost my W and child and it was more than I could bear. I have become more in touch with my feelings than I have ever been. I have opened a new vision on my life that I have ever seen. Good Luck, I truly hope you can work things out and find true happiness.

I Love My Pookey.

I can't say that you will get that feeling back or not. No one knows if you will. It is very possible though.

I was a great husband and father according to W and others. No "obvious" problems. W had an in my face A. Heck, in my house A. I didn't just "feel" that vows were broken - I objectively and intellectually knew. No need to make it ambiguous.

But things got better. I do think that everyone should at least give it a decent try - even if it is really hard and undesireable. I would have had a hard time dealing with D if I didn't feel I had tried everything I could. I don't know how strongly you feel about marriage, so this may not matter so much to you.

My advice, give it a decent try following the principles on this site. There's a lot of information around about understanding how these things happen and how to keep them from happening again and restoring a marriage. If he runs again to other women, you can always drop him.

Here's some more advice. Don't make quick decisions based primarily on feelings. That's a recipe for regret. Heck, that's how your H's cheating happened.

Some more advice. Do your best to ignore the (possible crazy, nutcase) OW.

Here's a question. Do you care about your H?

<small>[ March 13, 2003, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>