I cheated on my husband and confessed. We want to try to get through it but he keeps backsliding. He will take me out to a nice lunch or dinner and immediataly after we are done eating and in the car he brings it up again. It is like going up in a hot air balloon and seeing the scenery and somebody fires a shot at your balloon. I just get to thinking that we are on the right path and BAM somebody covers the path with rubble. I understand that it is going to take some time for him but is it healthy for him to keep asking almost perverted questions? I would love NOTHING more than to just forget this ever happened, and I know he would like that too, but everytime I turn around it kicks me in my [censored] all over again.Can ANYONE PLEASE HELP!!! :

that sounds very normal to me. Its 6 mos past dday for us and there are still things that upset and bring back the A for my H. Infact there are several reminders every day. The least of them being that he still works with OM.

SOme people NEED to know the details,your H must be one of them. My H did not want details. Some one hopefully will reply that has experienced that.

Its 2 steps forward, 1 step back, but if you follow the guildlines here it will help.

One more thing. You will never forget that it happened and IMHO you should not pretend that it did not. Its a life changing experience. IMHO when you H brings it up , you should let him get it off his chest and you should always be understanding about that.Once you had the affair you commited yourself to a lifetime of answering those questions. I Consider it our 'fine'we are paying for the crime against my H I commited.

good luck and give us more details about your Relationship and your H.

Luv,

Please realize that the BS is basically in the dark. Trust has been broken by the A and so you need to reestablish that trust. What are you doing to do that?

Now when your H asks for details, calmly ask what will he be doing with that information? Listen to his reason in an effort to understand his request. Then show him your honesty and if you think some of the info will hurt, let him know then ask if it is still needed. If he says yes, then tell him. Eventually he will stop asking as the trust factor increases.

L.

The day your H learned you were a WW, his trust in you went to 0.

An affair betrays every promise and hope that a marraige is built upon. The promise to love, honor, protect, and support.. All of that, shattered the moment an A begins.

That will take a lot to rebuild. For some, it can be rebuilt in a year.. Some take longer. You have to prove yourself trustworthy. Regain that trust.. Show him you love him... honor him.. protect and support him.. Show him the A hurt you too, and help him get through it the best you can.

Learning about my WW's A was like a knife in the back. I felt so betrayed, I didn't know if I could ever trust anyone again in this life. Even now, a month later, I find it hard to trust anyone. Family, friends.. The part of me that trusts people took a severe blow that day.

But, trust can be rebuilt. Give it time. Be patient. A lot of damage was done, and it's going to take a lot of tiem to fix.

Unfortunately the it's not something you can just forget. It's actually something the two of you will never fully forget. In time I promise it will get better and easier to deal with and brought up less, but for now you have the difficult job of viewing it through his eyes and sharing what he needs shared.

I am a FWW. I know exactly what it's to have those "perverted" questions asked and not want to answer them knowing they are full of hurtfull images. Unfortunately, this is something your husband needs in order to heal. He needs the full picture so that he can put all the pieces in and then be done with the puzzle. It's a long hard road you have ahead of you, but I promise you also that it is well worth it.

The key here is that you take the time to look deep inside yourself so that when the time comes you can answer the ultimate question - "WHY?" This is one of the hardest to answer, but for many BS' it is essential to healing. Talk to you BH and let him know that you understand that for some reason he has to ask certain question for his own healing, but that you need to know it's safe to answer them. Meaning that you need to let him know that some of the answers are ugly and will hurt, and that if they will ultimately help your relationship you will discuss them with him, but that you need to know that he's not going to blow up or throw them in your face. My DH was very good with these answers. They hurt, and it really hurt me to see him hurt like that, but I think it was necessary.

Don't be afraid to FEEL his pain, and certainly don't be afraid to express it. Reassurance, reassurance, reassurance - as much as they need it. Don't ever show him you are bothered by answering to where you have been or where you are going, etc. He has every right to, and for as long as he needs too. It will take a very very long time for him to trust in you again, and you have to be able to understand and accept that.

I remember one conversation I had with my DH where he said something about trusting me. I softly smiled at him and said "no you don't. But that's ok, I don't expect you too, but one day I will give you every reason to again."

What you BH is feeling and doing is perfectly normal. Try to understand, and don't try to brush it under the rug. This has to be dealt with in order to heal properly. Hang in there, it is possible to survive, and it's so worth it. The people here are great, and very helpful. You will certainly find many times where you seem to be falling back, but remember 2 steps forward and 1 step back is still progress. I remember many times writing about boulders in my road, and falling back, only to come back the next day to tell how everything worked out great and we had such a productive conversation.

I've attached here a link to a current post where I included several past threads of mine. I thought some of they might be of interest and helpful to you. My best to you. Take care, and hang in there.

My Story

I am just curious but how do you think you would react if your husband suddlenly confessed to you that he was having sex with another woman behind your back. I guess you would not be be thinking of the images of both of them together. I guess you would not be constantly asking questions. I guess you would just forget all about it and work on having a happy marriage. Your husband is absolutely destroyed. His ego, self-respect and trust for the one person he believed in was destroyed in one moment when you confessed your betrayal to him. Do you really think you would be acting any differently if your husband did to you what you did to him?