I mean what exactly do we think here? I've been told time and time again that I have no reason to maintain hope. I've been told my spouse does not want the relationship that I should ignore him telling me that he's confused and listen to him when he says he doesn't want to try. I've been told that I'm not hearing his "No." But also that this is strictly a boundary issue and that I need to follow the boundary of "No" that he's setting up.

I've been told that when I say I believe he is confused that it's really I who has confusion. When I say that I believe deep down he doesn't want things to be like this, it's really I who doesn't want things this way.

Am I really foolish for believing this man loves me? Am I really foolish for believing in him when he told me he was confused?

I just want to understand things a little bit. I don't want to be living in false hope. I just wondered what you all thought. I'm trying to apply the principles found here and elsewhere that I've been thus far unsuccessful in doing, but is believing so wrong?

I'm getting beat up by so many people for hanging on to hope and I don't know exactly what I should be doing.

Is hope wrong?

Ferbie: I mean what exactly do we think here? I've been told time and time again that I have no reason to maintain hope. I've been told my spouse does not want the relationship that I should ignore him telling me that he's confused and listen to him when he says he doesn't want to try. I've been told that I'm not hearing his "No." But also that this is strictly a boundary issue and that I need to follow the boundary of "No" that he's setting up.

Orchid: I was told that also, several times. By the Ws and the OW. But that WS kept coming back. Imagine that. I even played those same words back to the WS and was told it was a lie. So I am here to tell you that those words don't sound convincing. In fact, I challenge you to have the WS prove it to you. You may find that is an Love Busting tool to use between the WS and OW.

Ferbie: I've been told that when I say I believe he is confused that it's really I who has confusion. When I say that I believe deep down he doesn't want things to be like this, it's really I who doesn't want things this way.

Yes and Yes. In reality the Ws is confusing everyone even himself. Now in this state of confusion do you really think he knows what he wants? The one consistent thing is that he does not want you to be right or happy. So when you are, it sets them off.

Ferbie: Am I really foolish for believing this man loves me? Am I really foolish for believing in him when he told me he was confused?

No you are not foolish. You are someone fighting hard for the life of your M. That in itself is not a bad thing. The one you believe in and the one you want back is your real H, not the one he has mutated into. Ask for your real H to come back.

Ferbie: I just want to understand things a little bit. I don't want to be living in false hope. I just wondered what you all thought. I'm trying to apply the principles found here and elsewhere that I've been thus far unsuccessful in doing, but is believing so wrong?

Most BS feel they have to try their best. Remember marital recovery requires the effort of both mates. Personal recovery requires the effort of one. Step back and look at the big picture. Haven't you learned some valuable things here at MB to help make you a better person? If so you have been sucessful.

Don't underestimate the power of love. It bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things.....love never fails. Love means you care and share that care. Even if it means letting go, you do so not out of anger but out of love. Something that the A will never have.

Ferbie: I'm getting beat up by so many people for hanging on to hope and I don't know exactly what I should be doing.

This is common for most who have not been in this situation. Are you getting beat up here at MB?

Ferbie: Is hope wrong?

No. When the time comes to stop hoping and change direction, you will know.

take care,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ferbie: I'm getting beat up by so many people for hanging on to hope and I don't know exactly what I should be doing.

This is common for most who have not been in this situation. Are you getting beat up here at MB?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been told to walk by a few people. And usually they are not married or don't understand.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ferbie: Is hope wrong?

No. When the time comes to stop hoping and change direction, you will know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hope is never wrong. It's not getting on with life that can trip you up. Like Orchid said you will know when to change direction. I woke up one morning and felt different. I still have hope but I sure the heck am not going to this ruin my life.

I ask myself if what I am doing is helping me or not. If it isn't then I don't do it. Right now that includes not talking to or having much to do with my WW.

Hang in there.

-Luki

Is hope wrong?

Well, one could say hope is the opposite of depression (or feeling hopeless). Optimism vs pessimism. Both have their places in our understanding how to proceed in life. Being realistically pessimistic, or giving up hope is a healthy thing, but each has to decide when to do so. Having hope when it is no longer justified, or healthy for you then makes it obsession, or avoidance (fear of moving on), and that is obviously not good.

Still all in all, erring on the side of hope/optimism is IMO more desireable than the other. Ideally we would all be perfectly balanced, and know what to do all the time, but no one I know is that "together". So hope is not wrong...but unrealistic hope is obsessive and paralyzing...not wrong, but not healthy.

IMO you should not base your behaviour on what your s has told you, but on his behaviour. If he is gone, a reasonable time has elapsed, you (in the meantime) have done your personal work, and are ready to live your life...then do so, if he shows up...fine, if not, you will have a good life because you are healthy and make good choices. That includes divorce (at some point, so as to reclaim your life...he can still pursue you, and remarry if that is in the cards, divorce is just boundary setting, means nothing about the future one way or another).

I see you as stuck, waiting, hoping for someone to tell you (so to speak) what to do. It is your life, you will do what you want. You could spend your entire life "waiting" (the so-called standing for your marriage idea, which is an unhealthy psychological decision, but one made sometimes on spiritual grounds...wrongly IMO). I don't think indefinite waiting is a healthy choice, so in that sense at some point "hope" is wrong (as in saying unhealthy things about your psychological well-being). But you will have to decide these things for yourself. What I think you hear people saying is that in their opinion (and because you ask for feedback) you have waited long enough, have changed yourself enough, and now it is time to let go and get on with a healthy life...they are tough loving you so to speak..not validateing your hope turning to obsession.

I agree with Luki, everyone who told me to walk had never been married themselves. Her own sisters told me to walk, but they are the last ones to give me advice. I W gave me the whole "I just don't know what I want, I'm so confused" bit too. Got it for a long time. Hope is never wrong. I almost lost hope before my W came asking me to take her back. The thing is to h continue hoping for the absolute best, no matter what, but preparing yourself for the absolute worst.

Hope this helps.

MTD

I am glad I stumbled on this post , I feel the same as you most of the time . And yes in the past confided in people who said , run don't walk all by married peolpe and some single /and beat up by MB alot to .

My point you are the only one who knows when to throw in the towel and I agree YOU will know when that time is .

Stay strong and yes have HOPE .

We are living in a world that we should be honest with each other. As for my situation, I know my wayward spouse, stbxH is still lieing as of this moment. I know, he knows, and therefore I have given up on all dreams of us being together.

I once thought we could overcome our problems. But I now realize that my wayward spouse has not been honest from day one. With his proposal of marriage, to the altar, to his affair, to his sex with the other woman, and to this day. I know, he knows, and therefore my dream of being with the man I loved, gave my body and heart to, was only a dream on my part. I was used, betrayed, and lied to. Therefore, I have no dream. And if you were to put my husband on a lie detector today, it would show positive for being a liar.

Dreams are only for RADICALLY HONEST people, not vindictive deceitful liars.

Hope is a good thing.

I've been called stupid by some people for hanging onto my marriage. My wife seems completly without guilt/shame/remorse for what she's doing. I know this has to be eating away at her, it's just a matter of time until she realizes/admits it.

My hope fades and grows each day. Sometimes I feel like things will turn around tomorrow and she'll be moving back in. Other times, I consider selling everything I own and moving to the other side of the country. (Considered signing up for the Air Force a time or two as well).

If we're living in a dream, than it'd have to be a nightmare.

Until my wife actually mentions divorce, I'm still hopeful. Even if she does file, I don't think that'll kill all hope. (i hope)

I'm still in love with my wife. I'm just waiting for her to remember that she loves me.